Tag: disability

Saturday Blog 65

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 65

I woke up not even an hour ago. I can’t believe I slept all day. I got a notification from Walgreens that my prescription was ready. I thought this was odd as I haven’t put in any refills. My doc called in a refill but not for twice a day. I am so bullshit. She still thinks taking 4 mg a day is helping me when it’s not. Doesn’t matter, now I have enough pills to last me a month taking it twice a day. When I see her next, I will yell at her. She actually responded to one of my emails late last night. She wants me to keep in touch.

After I got back from Walgreens, holy hell unleashed. I got wicked hot and currently have the AC on. I don’t know why I overheated but I did. I was in wicked pain with my back so I think the walk just exasperated things. My foot/ankle exploded soon as I came home. So I am in pain once again. I didn’t wear my brace because I didn’t think I would need it and I didn’t bring my cane either for the same reason. I did fairly well, though I was really hurting on my last block home.

There is no baseball game today. It’s an off day for my Sox. I hope they use it to regroup. OSU is playing now. The score is tied at 3. I’ll just “watch” it via Twitter. I don’t feel like watching it on TV, not with my ankle hurting me the way it is. Buckeyes just scored! 10-3!! Scored again! 17-3! Whoohoo!! Nebraska has a bye week so it will only be OSU that I will be paying attention to. Tomorrow NFL games, my Pats are playing and I can’t wait to see Brady’s return.

I haven’t eaten anything all day and I don’t really know what to have. I kind of want pancakes but I don’t feel like making them. I really want pizza but I don’t have any cash on me for it. If my back wasn’t hurting me, I would have gone to the grocery store and get my pumpkin so I can make my cake. I will go tomorrow. Maybe if I go tomorrow I can also get French bread pizza to satisfy my pizza craving.

My sisters are in Vegas for the weekend. My middle sister will turn 40 next month and she wanted to do something big. I don’t blame her. She is always the optimist. All I wanted to do for my 40th was to be six feet under or be in an urn or something. I certainly didn’t want to live to see 41, which it looks like it is going to fucking happen whether I like it or not. My crazy bitch therapist is going to make sure of it.

I need to start doing the paperwork for my LTD. I am not looking forward to it as it is just boring. But it needs to be done. I meant to publish this hours ago but I fell back to sleep. I have been having a hard time staying awake today. I hope that doesn’t mean I am going to be up all night. My back is still hurting me. I don’t know why. It feels like I have a band around my waist that tightens and it really hurts when it tightens. It only happens when I am lying down.

I didn’t make pancakes. I just had a big bowl of cereal. That has been the only thing I have eaten today. I am not that hungry. OSU won 38-17. That is I think their 5th win in a row. I am so happy for this team.

Back pain and heating pads

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Back pain and heating pads

I have been in agony most of the day with my back. It doesn’t want to move it’s normal way so it’s hurting me. Any movement that I make, I am in severe pain. I just was able to get it under control using my strong pain pills and a heating pad. I didn’t think a heating pad was going to work but it did. Now that I have slept most of the afternoon and evening, I can’t go to sleep.

My mind is wondering in a million directions. I am thinking of dying because that is what I think of when I can’t sleep and I am in pain. I took some Aleve to help with the pain because I am almost out of my regular pain pills. I get to see a new NP on Friday to get a refill. Oh joy. I hope she isn’t a hard ass.

I have been thinking of making the pumpkin cake again. I would make the pumpkin fluff but I don’t have vanilla pudding. I rather have the cake anyway. I can only make one dessert because I have just one can of pumpkin. I finished off the pumpkin cupcakes today. I don’t think I will make them again unless I use a different liner. The paper one that I used stuck to the cupcake making it very difficult to remove. Didn’t help that the pumpkin became all watery like. It was still good but was gooey.

I texted my therapist that I wanted to die. I don’t see why I have to live. What is the point exactly? To be in pain all the time? I am tired of being in pain. If it’s not back pain, it’s ankle or foot pain. I can’t walk with either pain. Just standing is difficult. I feel like an old crooked man as I can’t stand straight anymore. It’s just something I shouldn’t have to go through. The depression is worse every day and so is the suicidal stuff. The pain is just the icing on the cake. All I have to do is put my plan into motion. And why can’t I? Why can’t I just end my life?

I really wanted to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the MFA in Boston. But if I can’t stand for more than a few seconds, I don’t see how that is going to be possible. I am so damn sad at this. I had bought membership to the museum so I can go a few times as I know it wouldn’t be possible to see everything in one go. Now that I am ill, I can’t go and her exhibit is only for another few weeks. Damn temperature changes causing my back to go out like a damn switch. Happens every fucking year. It’s below 50 degrees right now so I am going to be hurting tomorrow. I just seriously hope by some miracle, my back is okay enough to go into Boston to see the NP to get my prescription. I have tried doing some exercises but those just cause me more pain. I am fucked.

Therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My Therapy session

I had therapy today, my third session this week. We mostly talked about how I am in serious pain and that I didn’t sleep very well last night. I told her I have to call my doctor’s office and reschedule the appointment with my NP as I will run out of my medication by Friday. I did call and will be seeing another NP to get my medication refilled. My NP is off the weekend. Figures. I hope my back is better by then as I still am having a hard time moving around.

I asked my therapist if she could call me on Friday. She is not in the office on Fridays but seeing as it was the day that I was going to end my life, I wanted to talk to her. She agreed and when she has some time open, she will call me. She is also trying to see if a slot opens up tomorrow for me to talk to her.

I broke out the heating pad to put on my back. It is helping, a little bit. I feel really terrible that I am in so much pain. It didn’t help that I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up every couple of hours because I kept on having bad painful spasms. It was horrible because I would be paralyzed in pain. I couldn’t move at all. I hope the heating pad helps and that I am able to walk and stand again. I took an extra baclofen. I am hoping that helps too.

We didn’t talk about anything therapeutic today. We just kept talking about how the pain was affecting me and how lousy I felt. Then we talked about the reading challenge that I am doing. I don’t think I am going to complete it because I haven’t been reading that much the last few days. It’s been hard to read when you are in pain.

The last few days, some one has been hammering and making loud noises in my backyard. It’s driving me crazy because I have been trying to nap and can’t do it with all the noise. It’s terrible. I wish I could make them stop but I can’t. So all day long I am hearing this pounding noise and I have no idea where it’s coming from. I think it’s from the street over from me but I am not sure.

I haven’t received any calls from the resident. I hope he/she calls today. I really would like to get it set up as soon as possible. I really wanted to go out today to get my espresso but that isn’t going to happen. I thought about making coffee but I should be knocked out soon from my medication.

Jar of Frosting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Jar of Frosting

The other day I made pumpkin cupcakes, with the hope of taking them to my therapist today. I have half a jar of cream cheese frosting left over. I think I am going to have it for a snack, along with the cupcakes. I feel totally miserable. My back is still out for whatever reason. And what is worse, is I am out of my regular pain meds. I was supposed to call today to have the appointment moved to Friday as next Tuesday is no good. But after therapy, I just went back to sleep and didn’t get up again until my mother called me for dinner.

I didn’t do anything today. I just rested my back. My sister is going to pick up my prescription at walgreens. I couldn’t go today because I could barely stand up straight, let alone walk to the store and back. I really hate the temperature changes and I know my back is out because it was 70 degrees yesterday and 50 today.

I got the refund from Zipcar for my cancelation. I plan on getting another Zipcar next week so I can see my therapist. I hope to make her the pumpkin fluff I want to try. I just need to get vanilla pudding. I have been feeling paranoid lately so I have been trying to take the trilafon a little more regularly. I forgot to take it this afternoon when I was on the phone with my therapist. I just took it now after dinner, along with three Aleve to see if that helps my back any. The other NSAID that I take doesn’t really help me at all. I have stopped using it. I wish Ketoprofen still worked for me. It worked really well for a while and then stopped for whatever reason. It was really good for back pain.

My therapist talked a lot about food today, even without me bringing it up. I thought it was strange. She felt bad that I didn’t see her today but she understood. I told her I didn’t get much sleep last night because of pain. I don’t think I went to sleep till around 5 and then I woke up around a half hour later to pee. I also was hungry so I had some cupcakes. Then I went back to sleep until my damn mother called me wanting me to put something in the freezer. I was so out of it, I don’t even remember what she wanted me to place in the freezer. Luckily, I woke up a half hour before my therapy appointment.

I told her about the CBT. She is supportive about it and hope that it helps. I told her flat out that it’s my last hope, which I also emailed my psychiatrist at god knows what time in the morning. I know I wrote a blog in the middle of the night to help me sleep. Pain was causing me such havoc. It was more so with my ankle than with my back. My therapist wanted to know why I chose that form of therapy and I told her the research supports it. I found a long PDF about chronic pain and CBT but I couldn’t read it as it was late and I hate reading PDF’s from the computer screen. It was 124 pages so I didn’t want to print it out. I will try reading it later today, if I am up for it. I am still sleepy.

I told her our schedule might have to change when this resident calls me. I don’t know what the availability is. I am hoping it is a day that I don’t have therapy. But we’ll see. I told her I will stress that I want this for chronic pain and not depression. If this resident doesn’t do chronic pain CBT then I will have to look elsewhere, though it will be another setback.