Tag: disability

in Super Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In super pain

I took three of my regular pain meds for my back pain. Within 45 minutes, I began to feel sleepy but I didn’t finish my blog yet so I fought off the sleepiness for a little while. I had to do a couple things on my feet like put my finished powerade bottle in the recycle, shut off the big light and get another powerade bottle to put it by my bed. After all that, my ankle said thank you by exploding in pain. It was driving me to be suicidal so I took a strong pain pill. I have one left and that isn’t going to get me through the month. I wish Walgreens would hurry up with their asking my doc if it is okay that I take my regular pain meds and my strong one. It’s from the same damn office so I don’t know why there is a problem every time I try to get it filled. Drives me fucking nuts. I meant to call them today to hurry them up but I forgot. I will call tomorrow.

Being in this kind of pain just makes me wicked suicidal. If I could walk to where my stash of lethal pills are, I would probably take them. But I don’t want to kill myself in my house. I don’t want a family member finding me. So I have to hold off the suicidal feelings. I hate being in this much pain. It’s a 12 on a scale of 1-10. I really hope that the CBT works for me. I am kind of scared. There is a book that is made specifically for chronic pain and CBT so I am going to get it on my next pay check. This will be the 3rd book I will have purchased for cognitive therapy. I hope I can get something out of it.

I am writing as a means of distracting while I am waiting for the strong pain pill to work. I took it an hour ago so it should be kicking in soon. I thought I was having some relief until I moved my ankle. Bad move. I know if I lie down, I am going to be in more pain so I am just sitting up waiting for pain meds to work. Some life I lead. I can’t even enjoy going out to meet some friends anymore. My life is pathetic. It’s kind of my fault because today should have been a “rest” day because I baked yesterday. I keep pushing the envelope and it’s pushing back, harder than I can take. If I don’t take rest days, I am just messed up and in pain more than I would like and it’s harder to control. That’s why I sadly decided not to see my therapist later today. I hated cancelling but I need to start taking better care of myself. Being in pain all the time is tiring and is causing me to be wicked suicidal at times.

Times like this, I really want to put my date back on the table because I can’t imagine living life like this anymore. But I really want to give this CBT stuff a try and hope for the best. I also need to honestly give it a try even though it might be hard to give up the preconceptions that I have about it. Until then, I have to stick around, even though I am fighting an uphill battle. I feel like I am doing this alone but I know that I have my blog readers behind me and that is a huge comfort to me. Thank you for reading and encouraging me.

Some good news and not so good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Some good news and not so good

I went out with friends tonight. It was good but the bad news is my back went out on me even before I left Boston. I couldn’t stand up straight to save my life. Bad news for someone with back trouble. As the night went on, the pain got worse. I basically had to crawl home, which I didn’t not like at all. But it was good seeing my friends and the kids which continue to grow a few feet every time I see them. They already are taller than I am, which is nothing new.

The really good news came today in regards to the CBT counselor. The intake person called me today during therapy, which I will get to in a few. I called back after therapy and I will be meeting a resident for the sessions. The resident should call me sometime this week to set up an appointment, otherwise, I have to wait until December and there is no way I can wait that long. So my date is off the table, for now.

I haven’t told my therapist this, at all. I didn’t want to give her hopes up nor mine. I was really thinking that my suicidal past was going to keep me from going to see someone. Once they find out I have a therapist, I am not sure how it is going to fly. I know it will have to be on days that I am not having my therapy, otherwise my insurance won’t cover both services. I hope the type of CBT that I will have is centered on pain and not depression. I know what is involved with the CBT stuff and depression and that isn’t something I want to go through. I had one session over 20 years ago and it didn’t go too well. I believe that it does help some people, but I am not some people. I need something to help me manage my pain better. If not then there is not point in seeing someone and I will make that very clear to the resident.

My therapist was giving me a song and dance today about how I should still be around. She is the only therapist that I know that doesn’t talk about hospitalizations when suicide is present. She will if it comes to it but she kind of knows I won’t go for it unless I bring it up and then she is for it. But lately, I been finding the hospital to be more trouble than it’s worth. Even their discharge papers they have sent my therapist have shown they are confused about the kind of care that I need and how to address my transgender. One paragraph had “her”, then next had “him” or “he” in it. It was ridiculous. And this is the leader in the psychiatry field, not some shmuck hospital.

She really doesn’t want me to end my life, obviously. She keeps saying that if I die, I will be breaking “us” up. I don’t really know what that means. It has me wicked confused. I feel like I have been put in a relationship status of some kind and I had no idea about it. The more she says it, the more I want to run away from her, and fast.

After I found out about the CBT stuff, I planned out how I was going to tell my therapist as I would be seeing her in person tomorrow. However, those plans have changed as my back is at less than 50%. I am not going to stress walking to the car and then having to worry about an hour’s drive to and back. I’ll just be out the rest of the week and that won’t be good. But I set my clock for 0645 tomorrow. If I am not in any pain, I will keep the Zipcar reservation. If I am in pain, I will cancel it. I have until 0730 to cancel.

My therapist really wants to see me tomorrow. I really want to see her too, but it might not be possible. I really want to give her the cupcakes I made. If I don’t see her, that means they will be all mine and that isn’t a good thing. I might be able to pawn them off to my brother in law but I know he won’t have more than one or two. If I cancel the zipcar, I will just schedule it for another day next week. The cupcakes won’t be good but I can always whip up another cake for her. I really like the cake better than the cupcakes anyway. But then, I am a cake person.

Saturday Blog 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up every few hours. When I got up, I made coffee but my half and half was sour so I couldn’t drink the coffee. I wanted to go to the grocery store so I went to get my pumpkin stuff and some bacon. I also bought celery so I can add it to my tuna sandwiches. I thought I would have enough energy to make the cupcakes but I don’t. I just want to go back to sleep.

OSU won 58-0 against Rutgers. And Nebraska is winning right now in the first quarter 7-0. I would watch the Nebraska game but I just can’t. I want to be on my bed resting my leg. I am in pain again from walking around the store and then going to Walgreens to pick up my prescription.

After I came home, I was starving because I didn’t have lunch. I had some Naan with some tuna my mother made. I ate all the tuna and most of the Naan. Then I had a nectarine. Now I am bloated and very sleepy.

I keep thinking of my date and what I am going to do about it. If I don’t go through with my plan, I will feel like a failure. If I try and don’t succeed, then at least I tried and that will be that. But I won’t know unless I try and I want to die very badly. I am feeling all sorts of feelings about this. Sadness is the chief one, guilt is another. I know I don’t have to do this but what choice do I have? The thought of living through this nightmare is astounding. I can’t take the pain day in and day out anymore, not when my daily living activities are involved. There are some days I can’t even stand long enough to brush my teeth. How is this living?

My therapist is working hard so that things don’t come to an end soon. In the end, it’s really just my battle and my battle alone. I have tried to prepare her for my death but she doesn’t want to hear one word of it. I have three sessions this week with her, one of which will be in person. I get to drive out there and see her. I am hoping to have my pumpkin cupcakes made tomorrow to take with me when I go. She’ll like that.

the need to write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Need to Write

I watched the ballgame most of the way via Twitter. We won 5-3. I didn’t think I was going to last because I was really tired but I knew if they came back and I missed it I would be upset. I am glad I didn’t miss it.

So I lied down and of course pain coursed through my ankle and foot like they do, 10 times worse tonight. I had to take a strong pain pill and some Neurontin. I was taking all shots tonight. Fuck it. I don’t care. I need pain relief. My foot is on fire. My ankle is searing pain. And I have no fire extinguisher other than the Neurontin. My anxiety is up but I already took some Ativan because my right foot was doing this dance tonight that eventually got painful. It just kept on curling up on me, on it’s own. Annoying.

I was able to sleep for a few hours but then woke up because I had to go pee. Damn bladder. Now I am up and I don’t think I can go back to sleep, least not for the next hour or two. I am surprised that I just slept a few hours given the amount of medication that I took. I am still feeling a little paranoid and psychotic. The voices the last few days have not been pleasant. I can tolerate them but it is exhausting. It takes all that I have to ignore their constant bickering, their sarcastic remarks, their criticism, and their commands. If I am doing something one way, they want me to do it another. It’s tiring. I had to take 12 mg of trilafon yesterday to counteract them. I didn’t take it all at once, just every 4-6 hours I took a 4 mg pill. It was the only way to quiet them down.

Later today, I plan on printing out my book. It’s going to be a huge deal because I have 140 pages to go through. Granted the first few are just fluff, just the title page and then copyright page, stuff like that. I want to see if I can do this without an editor. My stories are short so if I take them one at a time, it should be a piece of cake. And unlike my first book, there is nothing to really trigger me because it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences, which I think are funny and amusing. Course, when they were happening they were scary as all hell. But now they are not that way anymore.

I texted my therapist that I was in pain and lazy because I might not be making the pumpkin cupcakes like I wanted to. I am still cursing the Peapod delivery for not delivering the right kind of pumpkin. Now I have to go to the store and get it. But I don’t want to go out later today. I know I am going to be tired as shit as it’s in the middle of the night and I am awake. Plus, it’s going to be raining most of the day. I should have gone to the store yesterday but I was too tired.