Tag: grief

year anniversary of the death of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

It’s been a year since my father passed away. All day I have been thinking about him and the events that went on that day. I feel really sad.

My therapist wanted me to do something nice for myself so I went to Starbucks and ordered my favorite latte and a breakfast sandwich. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was coming to me. I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Walking there was okay. Then walking back to the train station, my right ankle started bothering me. I felt like going up to the ankle service as I was at MGH to make an appointment with the chief of the service but I didn’t. I just wanted to go home.

I had a half hour before the next bus and didn’t want to wait so I took a cab to walgreens. I left my prescription and said I would be back in an hour. I came home and felt really shitty. Both ankles were bothering me and I couldn’t stand it. I hobbled up the stairs, got the mail. I had to use the bathroom and then I went up to my room. I took three pain meds and 800 mg of ibuprofen. I am in serious pain. It started raining.

I had to call my psychiatrist so I did. I waited for her to call back. We talked for a bit. I told her I would call the ankle service to set up an appointment. I had to get on the computer to get the chief’s name as I couldn’t remember it. I called and even though I specified that I wanted the appointment with the chief, the secretary gave me the appointment with his PA. Asshole. It’s in a few weeks.

I just got notification that my prescriptions are ready. I need a nap. I will probably pick them up later after dinner. I am so tired. Being in chronic pain just takes so much out of you. I feel like a weakling because I just don’t have the stamina I once had to do things. It really depresses me that things I was able to do, I can’t do anymore. It’s very frustrating. I need a nap and then I am more tired than I was before the nap. It’s also frustrating because they are working on the damn house in the street over and they are so damn noisy. They are rebuilding the whole damn thing, it sounds like. Every day there is hammering and sawing. So hard to rest when you hear the noise.

I have been having intrusive memories most of the day. I keep remembering stuff that happened this day last year with the death of my father. I don’t know if I will ever get over his loss. There are so many mixed feelings I have for my father and none of it is good. He was an asshole and a miserable person who only thought of himself. He was vain and loved to stare at pictures of himself. He always had to dress in a shirt and dress pants. He never owned sweatpants or jeans. He always called me fat and ugly. No one contradicted him so I believed him. I still do and probably always will.

a real exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A real exhausting day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4ish and then woke up around 8. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to sleep after I took my blood pressure pill. I slept for the next few hours and did not want to leave my bed at all. I needed to shower so I did that. I came back to my room and I was exhausted. It was around 1300 and I needed to leave the house in an hour. I thought about canceling therapy but it was too late for that. I fiddled with my computer and then got dressed.

I went to Starbucks and had something to eat with my espresso. I really didn’t want to do anything. I tried writing and didn’t get too far. I didn’t want to work on my blog project. I just wanted therapy hour to hurry up so I could go home and sleep.

Therapy came and we mostly talked about my father. I didn’t feel better talking about him. It was old news. The therapist was pissing me off because he was picking at his nails or cleaning them, I am not sure which but it was annoying. Towards the end of session, he wanted me to do something nice for myself tomorrow on my father’s anniversary. I said the only nice thing I do is buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks. That is usually a treat for me. Gets me out of the house for a little while. So he said that was doable. Then he said our time was over and I left.

I caught the train I usually miss so I was able to catch the bus home earlier than I usually do. I was going to get a burrito but I will get it tomorrow when I am out, if I do go out. Everything is up in the air at this point. I am really tired and just want to take my night meds and crash. I had some motivation to work on my blog project on the way home but that went out the window soon as I came to my room. I was hot and sweaty because I wore my winter coat and it wasn’t that cold out today. My ankle is starting to flare so I am not going to eat anything but pain meds right now.

My PCP’s office called me. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will go into town tomorrow to get it. I only have 4 pills left. I will go to Walgreens afterwards to get it filled. Guess I won’t be changing my sheets tomorrow like I had planned. My cousin just texted me and now I feel all depressed because instead of enjoying her retirement, she is taking care of my aunt full-time. I am happy that she is but I know how stressful it can be. Caretaking is so difficult.

Sunday Mass

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Mass

My family went to the Sunday mass for my father’s remembrance. It was a quick mass and the priest said his name correctly. It was touching. Afterwards we went out for breakfast at my new favorite place down the street from where we live. It was good until I spilled juice on my niece. My hands were greasy and I didn’t have a good hold on the cup. I felt like an idiot.

My nephew had a hard time with things today. He was close to his grandfather. It’s hard on the kids more than my sisters. It’s such a huge void in their lives.

I am still feeling the grief of my father. I can’t believe he has been gone a year. It’s been a difficult year. I don’t know how I managed with just one hospitalization. I know there have been times this year that I needed to go in but I didn’t for one reason or another. I just don’t find them useful anymore. Sure, it’s a place to be safe at but they really don’t offer much in ways of coping with stress or dealing with your issues. Most times, they just check you in and then discharge you before you are ready to leave. I hate that and it usually leads to people being readmitted a few days later. The mental health system sucks.

This afternoon, I am going south of Boston to see my friends and go out to dinner. It’s not raining but it is cold. It should be a good time. I am really looking forward to it. I am in pain but I think if I rest now, I should be fine by the time I have to leave. I have to look at the bus schedules and see which one comes first. There are two buses that go to the station I need to go to. There are no buses to the Square today. I would have to get off at another square and walk up the street, which would suck and wear me out so I am not doing that. I do have to change trains but I am going to get off at Downtown Crossing, go to Starbucks, and then catch the red line. I need espresso today because I woke up so friggen early for mass and I never got up to make my coffee. I could make it now but Starbucks espresso would be better. I will only have two shots because it will be late in the afternoon and I don’t want to be up all night.

I filled my med box last night when I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to put my trilafon in. I forgot to put it in last week so I missed a couple days. I always forget because the pill bottle is by my bed not on my bureau where the other meds are. I have it close to me because I need to take a 1 PM dose. That is how I take it. It works well for me and I have no side effects that are noticeable.

I just went “shopping” on Amazon. This place is like crack to me. I spend so much money I should have stock in it. I rebought the things that got lost in the mail a few weeks ago for my friend and also some stuff for another friend in Australia. It’s going to be fun shipping that to him. There were only 4 left in stock so I bought 2 packages and then paid for it. I was going to wait until tomorrow when I got paid but I didn’t want to risk losing it as he really needs this item. It’s not available where he is. I am just happy to help him.

another blog about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another blog about Pain

I have been in serious pain the last few hours and it’s stressing me out. My cousin called me today. She said that she wasn’t able to get a ride for my father’s memorial mass on Sunday as she doesn’t drive on the highway. I told it was okay. Not many of my cousins were going. The talk helped to distract me from pain for a little while.

My foot and ankle can’t decide which is going to hurt more so both are causing me agony. I put some lidocaine on it because the pain was so severe. It knocked the pain down some but didn’t take it away completely. I had to take some more pain meds just now. I might take a strong pain pill in a few.

I don’t know if a cat got in the house or what, but the downstairs area smells of cat piss really bad. I hope it dissipates by morning. We have feral cats that hang around the house so not sure if a cat was marking its spot or what. The smell is giving me a headache.

My mother turned the heat on so my room is a sauna once again. I can’t really blame her because it was really cold today. I turned on the ceiling fan. It’s helping with the heat and the cat smell. I am so damn tired but my foot is just killing me. I was reading some old blogs from last summer and one of them was talking about my foot flaring after brushing my teeth. I got so upset, I wrote I was going to kill myself. I remember that day. I just had enough of pain and I snapped. With the good weather coming, I might end up going through with the plan I have been thinking about. I am not suicidal right now but I can go through with my plan at any time I feel like it. Pain is motivating me to end it.

I try not to think about it though. It’s tough not to when my level of pain is what it is right now. I had a little anxiety attack earlier so I took my night meds early. I didn’t want to have to take 2 mg of Ativan if I didn’t have to. I just become anxious because my body goes berserk with the level of pain. I fucking hate it. It drives me crazy.

My brother in law installed the new dishwasher so now our kitchen sink is useable again. I had to use the bathroom sink to wash my hair out after my haircut because I didn’t want to shower. It would have killed my ankle/foot. I am glad we have the sink back. Now my mother can fill it the new dishwasher to her heart’s content.

I read some of Huck Finn. The language was rough. Mark Twain was writing the way a Negro talked and it was hard to figure out what he was trying to say. Drives me crazy. I had the same problem with the Uncle Tom’s Cabin book. God I am hurting so damn bad. I know it’s most likely because I was standing most of the way home on the train because there were no seats for me to sit down and I feel funny asking people to give up their seats. I just waited till people got off the train. It’s the little things that flare it up. But then I can stand for the bus and it won’t bother me. Go figure that out.

Well, I am going to try and get some sleep now. I hope I can sleep through the night. I really don’t want to sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night due to pain. That will suck. Tomorrow is my youngest niece’s birthday. She will be 12. I haven’t decided if I am going to go to the party or not. Depends on how I feel. Lately I just want to stay in my room and sleep. I am looking forward to seeing my friends on Sunday. I think it will be fun.