Tag: hopelessness

Baking and upsetting things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have had a painful day. I saw my father after picking up his dry cleaning. My ankle is killing me because I then baked cookies and then cleaned up the mess, washing dishes/pans. I thought I would bake two batches, but it was a pain taking them off the pan after they cooled that I don’t think I will be making cookies again for a long time. I still haven’t had dinner yet. I am too full on cookies and cookie dough. It’s hard not eating the dough while making cookies. If someone can not do this, I give them credit. I didn’t substitute the oatmeal like I wanted to because you had to sift the flour. They came out very good, even though it was a pain taking them off the pan. Oh, and I used Giardelli chocolate chips, which made them really chocolaty.

Doesn’t look like I will be having a therapy session today. I am still hurting, psyche wise. I feel bad for the people of the German plane that went down. And am very sad that a suicidal person took the lives of 149 people to do his deed. I just never understand it. Then I read today that a 13 year old shot his 6 year old brother to death, injured his other brother, then killed himself. How does a 13 year old get a gun?? Why wasn’t it locked up and out of the reach of their kids? Just kills me. But I still believe the more they show things like this in the news, the more it will happen. And it has. There are more and more stories of murder/suicide today than there were a few years ago. Ever since Columbine, you are hearing more stories like this.

Ankle is absolutely furious with me right now. I don’t think I am going to make dinner. Last night, I ordered pizza, late. I will have that if I can make the stairs to the kitchen. I don’t feel like making a hamburger and then cleaning up again. My ankle hurts too much.

I got a message from one of my friends saying she read something and is concerned about me. Then I haven’t heard back when I responded. I had no clue what she was talking about. I posted lyrics and ordering pizza last night so not sure what is to be “concerned” about.

Well, I just fucked up my checking account. After everything clears, I will probably be in the negative because I paid my cell phone bill, TWICE. I paid online through their website AND through bill pay with my checking account. I totally forgot I did that because my memory is not that great anymore. FUCK. I am glad I checked my account before I made any purchases. Oh this blows. I really thought I would have money to give my brother in law for his birthday this year but it doesn’t look like I will even afford a fucking card. I swear I need a CPA or someone to manage my finances because I fucking suck at it. Just when I thought I was on top of things. Least I don’t have to worry about a cell bill next month. That is an extra $90 in my pocket. Now I wish I didn’t purchase my sneakers.

I got my eye appointment tomorrow. I hope the copay isn’t $40. I will be screwed, but I got to get my eyes checked. I have already made an appointment and canceled three times. I can’t do it again. I know I will need new glasses. That’s an expense for next month. I really want to get glasses with either polarized lenses or just get glasses and a pair of sunglasses. I don’t want to get transition lenses again, even though I really like them. I just can’t afford them this time around. Last time I got glasses it cost me $600. I am hoping it costs half that this time.

Push

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain

Still in a bad mood. Don’t feel like talking much to anyone. Even my therapist got my growls today. I feel hungover but I haven’t had alcohol. I was hoping coffee would wake me up but it didn’t, least not yet. I bought my new coffee, which I hope to have tomorrow morning. I haven’t decided if I am going to get my hair cut again or not. I have to do an errand for my father tomorrow before I go to his house and will be walking right by the barber’s shop. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

I made an appointment for my eyes for Friday morning. I will then pick up my prescription for my pain meds. I haven’t decided when to make my cookies. I got all the stuff I needed yesterday after my therapy appointment. I even got bacon just because it was there.

I told my therapist I need to get a new pair of sneakers. But they are freaking expensive. I haven’t had the luxury of buying sneakers in three years. And now that I don’t need to wear the AFO, I can get regular sneaks. I used to have to buy one size bigger than the other so the AFO can fit, which meant buying two pairs. It sucked because I had an unmatched pair.

Foot and leg are hurting today. I might end up taking some pain meds and call it a day. I thought I would have energy after my coffee to make cookies but I don’t. My mother will be making dinner soon so I really can’t be messing up the kitchen now. Maybe later tonight. I am still waiting for the butter to get soft. I forgot to take it out last night. I bought both the Giardelli and Hershey’s chocolate chips as I just couldn’t decide which one to get. I plan on making two batches of cookies. Whether that will be one tonight and one tomorrow, or both tomorrow, remains to be seen. I really don’t have the energy to do much of anything. Just going out today for lunch and a coffee was difficult. I didn’t even write in my journal like I usually do.

I think my therapist wants more letters as she wants me to write about my broken heart. No one caused it, least not that I know of. I just know my heart feels like it has been broken in two and I don’t know why I feel this way. Just one day a few weeks ago, I was in immense pain and I have been like that ever since. My psychiatrist is back in business so I don’t have to worry whether I am going to see her ever again. I am sure I can call her and make an appointment sooner than two weeks if I need to. But I don’t want to be seen. How can you describe your heart being broken into millions of pieces when there is no cause? I haven’t suffered a loss. Sure, my game is ended but my heart broke before I found out. I just am so incredibly sad. Baseball season is going to start next week so I should be in better spirits. But as I recall last year, I was feeling the same as I am feeling today. I have no interest in baseball right now, and anyone that knows me, knows that is not a good thing. But I also have no interest in writing about it. I might write her a letter tonight and then post it as a blog password protected. This just saves me from using a stamp in mailing her a letter.

Hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

To live without Hope is to Cease to live. Fyodor Dostoevsky

I am having a rough day. I don’t know why I feel like my heart has been shattered but I do. Nothing or no one has said anything negative to me to make feel this way. I came home from my father’s doctor’s appointment, made lunch, made a few calls, and then wham, heartache struck. I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel completely hopeless. I want to take a nap but I fear that if I do, I will fuck up my sleep schedule. I already had a rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times during the night. I think the anxiety of sleeping through my alarm kept me up.

Other than my father, I really didn’t have interaction with people. Sure maybe the cashier who took my order for my coffee at Starbucks but that was about it. The doctor’s appointment went well, nothing bad happened or was said. My bastard father just need to lie down when he swells up. The cause of the swelling is a little bit more complicated and I don’t wish to discuss it. But it is not the cause of my misery. I just feel really downhearted. It’s like all the air went out of my balloon.

I finished the long, drawn out Civil War book last night, much to my relief. I haven’t started any new book yet. I really want to start “the Idiot” but the print is really small and might give me a headache, even with my glasses on. I am so fed up with my eyesight being poor. And what is weighing on my mind is that I need to see my eye doc for a check up. Think I am going to do it next month, while I still have the insurance. Then I will worry about how to get new glasses later. It is going to be a struggle as glasses don’t come cheap. I also want to get a pair of prescription sunglasses so I don’t have to pay for transition lenses. I love transitions but they cost as much as prescription glasses. And I am in the house mostly so I am very rarely using them except when I go out. Just another expense that is weighing on my mind.

I sold another book today. I should be excited but with this hopelessness that has come over me, I am like “whatever”. I wanted to work on my book today but nothing is inspiring me to write. I just keep thinking about ending my life. I also keep thinking about my friend’s fiancé. He is going through some terrible grief and I think that is what is keeping me from going through with ending my life. I certainly do not want to cause someone that much pain. My friend killed himself in January. I don’t know the circumstances. Not that it matters. He is dead and his lover is in pain. He has to go on living without him and he doesn’t know how.

I read a disturbing one liner while scrolling through Facebook that said “Allah is your one God”. For some reason it made me think of StarGate and how the G’ould think they are gods and rule through alien powers. I don’t know if this is my delusional thinking going on, but could the people of Islam be ruled by alien powers thinking their god is their one true god? In one episode of StarGate, they had Seth, a G’ould, create cults that ended up killing themselves when the G’ould needed a new host. It was interested because this alien was so imbedded into the human religion factor that nobody really questioned that he was truly an alien. But then, I am a sci-fi guy. Things like this interest me and I hold them as truths unless proven otherwise.

Sometime next week after I get paid, I plan on making malt chocolate chip cookies. I just have to get the butter and the malt. You think it would be easy finding it on PeaPod but it’s not. And when I did find it, a 12 oz can was nearly $5! Shit is expensive but I am hoping they have a stop and shop brand that I can use. I just need a fricken ½ cup of the stuff. I might throw in some oatmeal by substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. It called for 2 cups of flour so I will just put in 1 and ½. I really love baking cookies. Only thing I don’t like is the clean up. That is the part that sucks!

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.