Tag: mental pain

Music is soothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

For the past week I have been delusional and psychotic for some reason. I have not really been stressed over anything in particular but lately I have been becoming paranoid on crowded buses. It has been difficult but I have found that I become calm and more focused if I am listening to music. Doesn’t really matter the artist, just as long as its music I am distracted from feeling paranoid and psychotic. Music tends to drown out the voices in my head. So I have been listening to music more. Also been buying more music from my favorite artists. Terri Clark just came out with a classics album of country music and it is pretty excellent. I am going to burn it to a CD so I can listen to it on my new boom box, that is Spanish. Thing was created in Mexico and actually came with Spanish instructions…no Englese anywhere.

Met with my psychiatrist today and discussed my condition. As usual she had no answers for me, just keep doing what I have been doing and see you in two weeks. I am a difficult case, what you would call a non-responder. I have yet to respond to an anti-depressant that works more than a year. So far the only thing that has prevented me from ending up back in the hospital is a little Cymbalta. Otherwise I think my mood would take a nosedive and I would not recover. Course if thing were the way they were 20 yrs ago, I might still be inpatient from my June admission.

Got to work on my paper today a little bit, though I found out my citation program is VERY old, like 6 versions old…I have to get an updated version that is going to be pricey because I am no longer a student and I can’t wait till summer when I am to write this paper. I figure if I work on it a little at a time I will be able to finish it by Christmas, provided my mood doesn’t suck more than it already does and I can actually walk to Starbucks to get the reading for it done. The other day my bag tripped me and so I think I sprained my good ankle. But it’s not hurting me as much as my damaged one so who knows. I just know that my right ankle is swollen and hurts if I stand on it. It sometimes gets stiff when I wake up but after rolling it around a little it usually takes the pain and stiffness away. I hate being in pain all the time with both ankles now but there is nothing I can do except take meds for pain. CES sucks!

Dark Heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

30-Jan-11

Been up the last few hours. I have such a heavy heart that it is ready to kill me. I am haunted by everything that is wrong with my life. Been thinking about my cousin who is now a marine and yet I hardly know because my family drifted apart. It saddens me that I don’t know my “little” cousins anymore. The oldest is engaged and will be married later this year. I feel less a part of their lives with each passing year.

I do not know who I am anymore. Last night in a fit of torment I threw down the gauntlet and told my ptx that I will die this weekend. I so wish I could act on these feelings. The brokenness inside kills me every night. The sorrow that is deep within my chest shall never be revealed nor relieved in any such way. I am just a freak who is suffering silently with only these words to fall on silent blogs. I only wish to end this daily torture. Animals are treated more humanly than human beings. It has been said that you control your own life and happiness. Well my happiness lies beneath the earth or as a pile of ash. I do not care what remains of my bodily essence. My consciousness is what is the death of me. I am not truly dying a slow death but am only being tortured every minute I dare to breath. This can’t be what life is about. To go on suffering just so others do not feel your loss. I have snapped and I don’t know if there is any coming back. I want to put a plastic bag over my head and die of asphyxia. Yes it may be painful but once that last breath is gone, I shall be free

suicide notes

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I found my note that I wrote about a year ago, maybe more. It was also my will as I stated what to do with my things after I had passed. It was creepy finding it. I forgot I had written it. I know that I have another “note” that I borrowed from Night falls fast by Kay Redfield Jamison. It adequately depicts my struggle with depression and states how sorry I am that I had to choose this way. It reads:
“Do not grieve for me. My nerves are shot and for the last year I have been in agony day and night, except when I sleep with sleeping pills, and any peace I have by day is when I am drugged by pills.
I have had a wonderful life but it is over and my nerves get worse and I am afraid they will have to take me away. So please forgive me, all those I love and may god forgive me too but I cannot bear the agony and it is best for everyone this way.
NO ONE IS TO BLAME. I have wonderful friends and they do all the can for me, including my care treaters (AE and LP). I have tried very hard all I know for a year and it gets worse inside, so please take comfort in knowing I will not suffer anymore.”

I have been going over my journal and keep finding all that I have been going through the past three years. I honestly have no idea why I am still alive. According to this journal written in 2009, I should be dead. But I am not. I guess that is a miracle some how but I still don’t want to live. Yet I do. Next to this suicide note is my crisis response plan. VERY IRONIC.

rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide

Been having a rough day. CES flair up left me feeling pretty down. I have been avoiding taking a nap so far but I had to take some Ativan so should be sleeping soon. I took it because I was freaked out after hearing a freaky noise in the house. I was the only one that heard it so of course no one believes me. It sounded like a door creaking open but the door was already open so why the noise?
Voices have been ok until I got a tweet from Voldemort. Now I think he is personally sending me messages. I think its pretty funny I think this way even though I know I am losing my mind. I guess months of boredom has finally drove me nuts.
I started taking the abilify again. I really don’t want to end up back in the hospital. I just don’t understand why I become psychotic after a severe bout of depression. I know I have a psychotic features of depression, but this is kind of unusual.
Today my mother pissed me off. She saw my OLD scars and thought they were new. I HATE it when I am accused of doing something when I haven’t and if looks could kill, I would be dead. WTF. Why would I lie? I haven’t cut in years and though I walk around with t-shirts all the time, they are clearly visible. That’s what scars are. Old wounds that are still visible. They don’t go away no matter what you do. But don’t sit there and pretend that you don’t know about it because you know you do. Granted she has never really seen the full extent of it. I am just too stubborn and shameful to show it willingly. I am not proud of them but it served a purpose in my life for a few years.
Ankle is killing me right now. I swear if I am not dealing with one type of pain or the other every single day. It SUCKS. I swear this morning I started with the waking up and wanting to die again. I just can’t take waking up. It pisses me off. I don’t want to live yet I am “forced” to. I hate myself for living every day and being a coward for not taking my life.