Tag: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 17

I had a very difficult night last night. It wasn’t due to pain, least not the physical kind. My lovely, greedy government gave the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), a list of words that cannot be used in their fiscal year budget. While normally, I try my best to ignore their stupidity, there was one word that was like a dagger to my heart, transgender. If they didn’t include this word because it was banned, I just fear we are moving from a democracy to a more dictatorship where my fellow transgender people will be punished or even killed, if they didn’t kill themselves first. And even if we did kill ourselves, it would be banned to use that “category” so the suicide would not be recorded correctly for further research. But then evidence-based and science-based have been banned as well so there would be no accurate studies anymore. Just broke my heart when I saw that word and I am seriously questioning moving forward with my transition while under Cheeto. I would really hate for my doctors to lawfully report my treatment should the idiot demand such things. (this is my paranoia talking, medical treatment is still under confidentiality.)

Also a few Nos on the tax bill got bribed to a yes, so I have no idea if my Medicare will get cut some time next year or the year after. I still have private insurance, which is going up at least $30-$40 next year. It will cost me over $300 for health insurance between the two insurances. And there is no guarantee that my SSD won’t be cut either. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My foot bones were again hurting when I woke up. I stood up and saw stars. I was not going to make cookies that I wanted to make today. I posted the recipe in a previous blog. It seems easy, though I am going to watch the video again. I still have no idea if I have the right circumference of the muffin pans for the cookie filling. I know I can make the filling okay, it is the cookie part I am worried about. I have never done something like this.

I had breakfast and did okay. I made a cup of tea as I didn’t feel like making coffee. I needed to take a shower but was taking my time. After lunch, my foot really flared up. It settled a little bit and I took that chance for a shower. For the first time in two weeks, I didn’t slip. I guess I should take one when I am not fatigued.

My sister came up after my brother in law brought me a loaf of bread that was three times the size I normally get. He told me to freeze some as it was half frozen so I did. I froze it in three portions, Saran wrap and aluminum foil wrapped. I didn’t want to put it in plastic bag as ice seems to get in it, spoiling it. I left out a portion so I could have it tomorrow for breakfast with maybe some eggs. My foot was getting cold despite wearing my slippers. I came upstairs and my foot went berserk again and got really cold. It then was hurting from being icy cold. I put on thermal socks. Damn thing is still cold, under my blanket and comforter! I don’t know why as it ten degrees warmer than yesterday. For some reason, my mother hasn’t been playing with the heat, which I like. My mother was really hot in her room last night, even though her door was open. Now she knows what I go through when she turns the heat up high. I can’t stand the icy pain I am feeling in my foot. Only half of my foot hurts. This sucks.

I wish I had Doritos as I want to make a tuna sandwich tonight. I like to eat them with Doritos. When I was a kid, my best friend introduced Dorito tuna sandwich. It’s been my favorite ever since. I stole a roll of bread from my sister’s to make a sandwich and that will be my dinner, though my mother said she was going to make a tuna salad so I don’t know what we are having. I hope she doesn’t use my tuna if she makes the salad. My tuna is just 3.5 oz and it’s perfect to make one sandwich.

Last night I was so tired from running around with my head cut off, that I fell asleep before 10 pm. I never watched It’s a Wonderful Life. I will watch it one of these days. It’s my traditional Christmas movie. I also got to dust off Home Alone as that is another of my Christmas favorites. Unfortunately, I don’t have A Christmas Carol. I really would love to get the one where Patrick Stewart plays Scrooge. I have yet to see that version. My favorite version of that movie is the black and white one. I think it was in 1939 or so. I have to look at the year as I don’t remember who played Scrooge but it is my favorite version. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my other favorite cartoon Christmas movie, not the Jim Carrey one. I don’t like the people Grinch. I wish they would leave classics the way they are.

used a lot of spoons today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Used a lot of spoons today

I had a rough night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep till after 0500. I hoped that I would wake up around 1000 so I could make my sauce. I woke up around 0930. That was good enough. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I made oatmeal pancakes. My mother had a nurse come to the house around 1030 and I then started making the sauce. After the nurse left, my mother called me into the TV room to sort out the closed captioning. It wasn’t working. I tried everything I knew and then called Comcast to see if there was something wrong. There answer was the TV wasn’t connected to the cable box as there was no signal. OK. I had to call the TV manufacturer to find out how to fix it. So my mother had to watch TV with the sound on as she couldn’t read the words to the program. I told her I would try and see if disconnecting the TiVO helped at all.

I waited for her to have lunch in the kitchen and then I went into the TV room to finagle things. I disconnected the TiVo box and just connected the TV to the cable. Whatever I did, stopped the cable remote from working. Great. I called comcast again and the idiot tech kept giving me codes for the TV but it didn’t fix the problem. I spent at least an hour inputting 5 digit codes that didn’t work. I took the problem to twitter and within 5 minutes, the remote was working the way it should. I still didn’t have closed captioning though. My mother was upset at this but there was nothing I could do about it.

By the time I finished with the TV issue, the sauce was done. I was still full from the pancakes so didn’t make lunch. I told a friend that I would bring her some sauce and waited for it to cool a bit before I took it to her. She works at my dental office that is up the street from me. I had to mail some stuff and my mother wanted me to get some stamps at Walgreens. I have no idea why she doesn’t get them at the post office. The post office is like a block away from Walgreens. Just sounds stupid to me. So after I dropped off the sauce to my friend and mailed the letters, I went to Walgreens. I just made it to my street when my ankle went berserk. Fuck. I was wearing my AFO but that didn’t make a difference. I had been wearing the boot while making the sauce and fixing the TV. I was in a lot of pain. I made it to my house and carefully went up the stairs. I gave my mother her change and stamps and then went up to my room. My med alarm went off so I took some pain meds. I then played on my phone until I was ready to make dinner. I was getting hungry at this point.

I asked my mother if she was hungry and she said kind of. I decided to make pasta anyway. My ankle pain had subsided but I put the boot back on just in case. I cooked the pasta and then had dinner with my mother. Afterwards, I put what was left of the sauce in a plastic container and put it in the fridge. I was wiped out. I went upstairs to my room. My ankle is still hurting me. I got notification from Walgreens that the med the neuro wants me on is out of stock. Great. I am having misgivings about going on this drug.

I had notifications on Facebook so I checked them. Most were likes or reactions to the pics I posted. One was that It’s a Wonderful Life would be playing at a theater close by. I think I will watch it tonight as I finally reinstalled the DVD software. I was going to watch it the other night but was too tired to install the program to watch the movie. I am completely out of spoons right now and I want to go downstairs and get a twinkie. I really shouldn’t as I have gained a lot of weight. The jeans I wore today were kind of tight on me. Not a good sign. I feel bloated all the time after I eat, which just makes me feel like a fat pig. I know I got to lose weight but it’s so hard to keep track of calories and shit. I also love sweets so being on a diet just isn’t going to work. This weekend I want to make cream cheese cookies. They look easy to make though I don’t know if they really will be. I have to manipulate the dough to form a well for the cream cheese mixture, which is something I have never done before. I hope they come out ok.

Last night before bed, I started the book Tex by SE Hinton. I bawled in the 1st chapter. It was just so sad. I hope the book gets better. It has been years since I read this book. If I don’t watch It’s a Wonderful Life, maybe I will read. All depends on my pain levels and mental awareness. I am feeling really sleepy so I am not sure I can do either at this point. I did a lot today without meaning to. I still need to clear the TV cabinet of the wires I pulled out for the TiVo and throw the TiVo away. I am so sad that it no longer works. I had it for a good 16 years though. It lived its life. I also got to unplug the DVD player as the light is bothering my mother. I have no idea why there IS a light on if the thing is off. So stupid.

just a blog about SSDD, same shit different day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a blog about SSDD, same shit different day

I had gone to bed before 2200. I woke up around 0130 or so and didn’t go back to sleep until 0400. If my pain was down, I planned on calling my PT’s office to see if I could see her. I don’t know if it’s the cold or what, but my foot bones as well as the malleolus were hurting. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I wanted to make a marinara sauce but I think I will make it tomorrow as my mother made chicken cutlets tonight. I basically slept most of the day. I was tired and in pain and didn’t want to do shit.

As I am writing this, I am listening to Luke Combs, one of my new favorite country artists. I can’t believe I missed seeing him when he was in Boston. I didn’t find out until too late that he was here. Not like I had money for tickets or anything but would have been nice to see a concert.

So the Federal Communication Commission has been bought, by who, we don’t know but they repealed net neutrality today. If there isn’t resistance, and there is a lot of talk about it, it will take place in a few months. What this means is that companies can decide for you what websites you see, Google could charge you per search, WordPress might no longer be free or not accessible like it is. Just sucks. I don’t know if my website for my blog will be available, even though I pay for the domain. Or I might pay more for it. Also, internet companies can charge what they want without warning. Just fucking lovely so companies can get more money. The chickenshit Republican party (those elected to Congress) are trying to UNDO everything that All the bones in my foot and ankle have been hurting me all fricken day. Fucking hate CRPShas done while in office. Net Neutrality was one of these things.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I checked on The Ride and how it works. I have to apply and possible be examined by their staff. Screwed that. I don’t have severe pain every day that keeps me from going out and I usually don’t know until the day of that I hurt too much to go out. It would kind of be useless.

My cousin called me as I was going to take a nap around 1300. Fucking idiot saw the pic I posted while I was all hooked up for the sleep study and wanted to tell me his comments about it, like I cared. I still have a rash from the tape on my neck. He has been annoying me lately, so I blocked his number. He said he was going to call me in a few hours to “wake me up so I can sleep at night”. Fuck that. Who the hell are you to determine my sleep hours?? He is such a fucking idiot. And no matter how many times I correct him on calling me G, he still fucking calls me my birth name. That pisses me off more than anything.

I got nine days till my birthday. I am dreading it because I won’t be spending it with people I want to spend it with. My friend who makes dresses and things made an apron and I like it. I had her make one for me and it came today. If I make the marinara tomorrow, I will wear it so I don’t get sauce on me as some times it splatters when I pour the crushed tomatoes in the pan. It was a simple apron, white with a navy blue pocket. I like it a lot. It is my first apron. I am going to try and make the cookies I wanted to make last week this week. It should be fun.

12 Dec and I’m hot as hell as well as mad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

12 Dec and I’m hot as hell (as well as mad)

Around 2 pm, I went to my sister’s to get some lunch. My brother in law made some pasta last night so I was going to have that. I left my ceiling fan running. I ate and then went back to my room. HOLY FUCKING HELL. My mother had turned the heat up to 71 so I am roasting. There was a burning smell coming from the ceiling fan. Now I am stuck with just the window being open. It is not that cold out! I am so damn mad. I got to tell my mother not to turn the heat up so fucking high. I am also mad at my brother in law for not replacing the fan this weekend. He BETTER do it this weekend or I will hire someone!

I spent the morning getting my laptop in order. I successfully loaded the recovery disk for Win 10 onto my USB drive. I then called Canon to figure out how to install the drivers for my printer. It took about 10 mins and I was kicking myself for not thinking of doing what she said to do. That being done, the next project was reinstalling Office and then McAfee. Both took a long time to install. I have 6 GB of memory left on my laptop. I still need to install the program to play DVDs. Last night I wanted to watch It’s a Wonderful Life but couldn’t be bothered with installing a program when I needed to clear memory for the stupid recovery disk. The Dell support person said that Win 10 needs 20 GB so that the other 12 GB are, I have no clue. He kept telling me that the laptop was for email and internet videos. That doesn’t solve my problem of needing 8 GB for the disk recovery!! Anyways, everything is done now. I won’t attempt to reformat the hard drive until I have a new one, which probably won’t be until March as I have to get more RAM and Office 2016. I need to get Office 2016 first because dumb Office 365 will expire and then I won’t be able to use Word. Because I didn’t get a full 30 day trial, I will need to buy the download version, which costs more, because I don’t have time to have the PC key card delivered, whatever that is. I don’t know why a download version costs more than a stick. I might be able to find it cheaper at another site than Amazon or something, or used version. I don’t know. I will worry about it when my check comes in.

Tonight I have my sleep study. I am really nervous about it because I haven’t been able to sleep the past 4 nights till after 3 am. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about it but have not received a response. I kind of flipped out in that I became suicidal again. I have a date in mind that I want to end things. I don’t feel like it today but it is in the back of my mind. I really want to die to escape this fucking pain. My ankle went out on me, again, while I was in my kitchen making a cup a tea. When I went downstairs to get my brother in law’s pasta, I wore the AFO. I think I need to switch sneakers as the laces are really irritating the top of my foot where it is sensitive. I had to really lace up my shoe because it felt too lose after the modifications were done. I have decided that I am just going to wear my PJs that I am wearing now to the study and bring my sweatpants in a bag along with my meds. I’ll bring my journal with me to write so I can settle down. I hope I sleep a few hours because I really want to go to PT tomorrow afternoon.

I’ve been bad about doing the exercises. I have been using the app and just doing the calf and hamstring stretches. I have no idea where my notebook is that has the paper where the PT wrote down all the exercises I was to do. I just remember the stretches and not the other ones. I used the app this morning as I woke up around 5. I didn’t do too good because I was in pain. There is a test called context and I can’t get a good score on it no matter how many times I do it. I can’t distinguish right from left when the foot is in a weird position and in a boot or shoe. Really frustrates me.