Tag: mood disorders

Pain too much today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain too much today

I woke up around 8. According to my phone (I have no idea how it knows when I sleep), I slept 9.5 hours. I went to the bathroom and then came back to my room. I was going to make cookies today. Around 0840, my mother calls me to go to her room. I do and she is kind of slurring her words, which can only mean trouble. She said she felt weak and to get her blood sugar testing supplies. I also got her some juice. Her sugar was 70, which is kind of low but not really low. She drank the juice. I think she might have been lower but her body recovered because her sheets and bed clothes were wet. She wanted me to take them off so she could wash them. I did so and brought them downstairs. I asked her if she needed any help going down and she didn’t. I went down carrying her water glass and testing supplies.

When she came down, I asked what she wanted for breakfast. She said an egg McMuffin. I made if for her and then took out my oatmeal I made. I wanted an egg McMuffin but I had the oatmeal. I might make if for dinner. Her sugar went up to over 150 after breakfast. I stayed until I knew she was okay. All the going up and down stairs killed my ankle. I rested for a bit and then checked to see if my prescription was ready for pick up. It was still listed as out of stock so I called. The tech I was friends with said the stock just came in and by the time I got there, it would be ready. Cool. Except, I really didn’t feel like going out. I waited a little bit and then got dressed. I wore some sweatpants as I didn’t feel like wearing jeans. I then went downstairs and checked on my mother. I asked her if she would be okay for like 20 minutes while I went to the pharmacy. She said she would be. I grabbed a coupon for White Castle burgers and left. It was warm so I didn’t wear a jacket. I grabbed the burgers from the freezer. They also had buffalo wings so I grabbed a box of that. I got my meds and sure enough the new med is a controlled substance because it needed my ID. I thought that was weird but whatever. By the time I came home, it was almost noon time, too late to take a dose. I put the oven on for the wings. I had bought a Coke Zero, which I thought was regular but turned out to be cherry. I like cherry coke better than Pepsi. It tasted okay.

By the time I got back to my room, my ankle had started to act up and my foot was beyond painful. I got back into my PJs as the sweatpants were too warm. I figured I would give some time for my pain to settle before making the cookies. Nope, it never settled. I then I had to go back downstairs because I had to pee. I put the cream cheese back in the fridge and covered the cinnamon sugar I made in prep for baking. I had some craving for pancakes but I didn’t want to tax my ankle more than it was already. I was still a little hungry after I ate the wings. I made the burgers instead. It was quicker and easier than pancakes. I asked what my mother was doing for dinner and she said leftovers. Guess I will be making the egg McMuffin after all. My ankle is still hurting. I am off it now as I am writing this, but CRPS doesn’t care. Pain will still happen. I took a strong pain pill as I just couldn’t stand the ankle flare anymore. According to my phone, I have already taken more than 2100 steps. I am taking it with a grain of salt as I found out that shaking the phone will add at least 30-40 steps. Going up and down stairs probably added 1000 steps I didn’t really take.

I got an email letter from my PCP. To my surprise, results from the sleep study are back. I have very mild sleep apnea, which can be treated by losing weight. It was noted in the report that I woke up a few times due to pain, which is what I have been telling him all along. He didn’t say anything about putting me on a longer acting pain med, so I sent him a message. It’s kind of late so I probably won’t get a response until tomorrow or Thursday. I know I need to lose weight but I got bigger fish to fry. I just wish the damn combo of Invega and gabapentin didn’t send my appetite through the roof. Being immobile on some days doesn’t help either as there are days I don’t leave the house, mostly due to pain.

hopelessness and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hopelessness and other things

I only got about 3 hours sleep and woke up around 5 am. Yucky hour. I tried to go back to bed but couldn’t. I even took some Ativan but once I am up, I am up. I didn’t want to sleep and then have the alarm go off. I knew I would feel terrible. I made breakfast and coffee. I had enough time to catch the 0845 bus so around 0830, I got dressed. I got to Starbucks and ordered an eggnog latte with 3 shots of espresso and a lemon cake. I brought my laptop hoping to work on my story but inspiration failed me. I gave up and then started writing in my journal. I wrote about a paragraph when I got hit with intense hopelessness out of the blue. I wasn’t writing anything specific, least I don’t remember. But it was awful. I felt like my world was going to end at any minute. I tried to shrug it off but it was latched to me like glue.

I got a text saying the red line was delayed so I packed up my things and walked to the station, hoping I would get hit by a semi. Everything just seemed so depressing and bleak. I know I had a discouraging morning as more and more evidence is being pumped into the opioid crisis, even though reports specifically say it is heroin and illicit fentanyl doing most of the ODs. But they are coming for drug makers now, telling them they can only produce so many kilos of the stuff in the upcoming year. That is fair to the legit chronic pain patients who don’t abuse and take their pain meds the way they are supposed to. The joint commission is also proposing ways to treat pain non pharmacologically. I dreaded reading this word because I knew what it meant and I was right. I guess all this stuff finally sunk in and now I was feeling hopeless about being a chronic pain patient and not being able to get pain meds due to shortages. If I was in the hospital again, I might have a harder time getting pain meds.

I made my way to my psychiatrist’s office and just had enough time to pee and then walk to her office. I got there within 5 minutes to spare. I asked her if I should still be in therapy and she shocked me. She said it was up to me. She also said it was a privilege to see a therapist. That I failed to see. I almost started crying because I thought of the pain of my former therapist and how she left me high and dry with no reason for termination. I also told my psych that my current therapist and I don’t have the interaction like we do. She asked and said rapport? I said yea. I could be talking the whole 45 minutes and then he says see you next week. I just am tired of therapy. I know it is useful. I know there are benefits in seeing someone but I just can’t anymore. I think I got to heal some after being dumped by someone who I knew for 16 years. Now I just got to let my therapist know this. I am not sure how I am going to do it. I owe him some money as I have gotten behind in paying him. Also doesn’t help that he doesn’t give me statements every month so I am just guessing what I owe him.

I am relieved my psych is just putting it on me to decide whether or not I should be in therapy. I was nervous about bringing it up. She asked what I was doing for Christmas and I told her. She busted out laughing when I told her I was ordering Chinese food on Christmas Eve while the rest of my family eats fish. In all my years knowing her, I never heard her laugh so hard. I felt better when I left her office.

I had to pick up some bread for my mother so did that on the way home. Then I stopped in the liquor store across the street but I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I might ask my sister for a bottle of red wine made by Mark West. It’s one of my favorite reds.

Painsomnia Strikes Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painsomnia Strikes Again

So after I read three chapters of Tex, I was getting sleepy. I twittered for a while before a chat began that I didn’t want to participate in. All day a certain part of my ankle had been throbbing and feeling like it was being dug into. When I decided to sleep, all fucking hell broke loose. My metatarsals, particularly the heads, starting hurting. And the pain piggy backed from there. Ankle. Metatarsals and back again. I took a strong pain pill, hoping it would settle down. That was about two hours ago. Now in addition to these pains, other parts of my foot and ankle are hurting. They are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I just want to lie down and sleep but I know if I try, I might be in more pain. I haven’t tried yet. I just took some gabapentin as now my foot is on fire as well. I didn’t take it earlier because I didn’t think it would get to this point.

Time is now 0115. I need to be up in about 8 hours. I doubt I will sleep that long. I never do unless there are interruptions. I might lie down and see if anything bad happens. I just don’t want to play the lie down and sit up game that my foot likes to play. I have the bad foot out from under the blankets. It sometimes help with dealing with the nerve pain because the slight pressure of the sheets and blankets irritate my skin nerves. I keep it out until it gets cold and then put it back under to warm it up. That is the other game it likes to play, out and in.

Wish me luck. I am going to lie down and try and get comfy. I hope my sister got me the body pillow I asked her to get me for my Xmas/bday gift. I think I will be more comfortable on that than just a head pillow. The nice thing about the body pillow that I wanted was that it had different positions you can put the pillow in so you can sit up in bed while reading or using a laptop, with your back being supported. I tend to lean forward when I am sitting as my spine is that way. Sitting straight up hurts my back but having a pillow near my lower back does help. The past few days I have just been house bound, going out for just 10-20 minutes at a day. It sucks because when I walk down the street, it kills my legs because I don’t use them enough. It’s hard to go out every day when a) you’re in pain and b) depression kills the motivation you have to go out. Just brushing my teeth was hard. But I did it.

Ceiling fan replaced, finally!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ceiling fan is replaced, finally!

My brother in law finally replaced the ceiling fan today. Hoorah! Even though the one my mother had looked the same like mine, it was different. The light fixture on mine had like 3 settings whereas my mother’s only had two, off and on. I like this better. It has 4 lights but I only use 2 as they provide enough light for me to see. I mostly use my desk lamp as sometimes the ceiling fan light is too bright, like it is now. I will change lights when I take my meds in a couple of hours.

I was supposed to get one of my meds refilled last week and forgot so when I was filling my med box for the week, I had to order them. I made it so it would be ready in a couple of hours as I didn’t want to miss a dose. I hate missing meds because my brain forgets things. It’s my hormone pill so I can’t miss one as I don’t want my menses, though I found out in my last admission that I could miss up to 3 days. Fuck that. I probably will have to come off them anyway when I go for testosterone. I won’t find that out until Feb when I meet with the LGBT doc.

I see my psych tomorrow and will need refills on two meds as I don’t have anymore. She had told me that MGH will be having an LGBT clinic soon. Seeing as I don’t get MGH notifications anymore other than what is on twitter, I will ask her to tell me when they are up and running. It will be more convenient than where the LGBT doc is as that is in the heart of Boston. I think I am going to chance taking the later bus. I usually leave an two hours before my appt so I can write and drink espresso at Starbucks. I don’t feel like doing that. I know I might regret it. If I wake up early enough, maybe I will go. It all depends on how I feel.

I cancelled my therapy appt for tomorrow. I am going to talk to my psych about therapy and whether I truly need it. He is the first therapist that allowed me to cancel two weeks in a row without questions. Usually, they say come in to talk about it. Not him. He doesn’t even ask why I am cancelling. I really feel like he doesn’t care, even though he says he does. I never heard from the other two therapists that I emailed. I might call them and leave a message. Some time after the holidays or maybe during, I will somehow google therapists in my area and see who I can find. I wish there were resources for people with my history looking for new therapists. I am still angry that my former therapist left me high and dry without one and then terminated our relationship. The few therapists she wanted me to see were not taking on new clients. It’s so hard finding a good a therapist, and then finding one that fits with you. I thought it might work with the one I am seeing, I really did. But I am tired of feeling like it would be better for me to talk to the wall or my voices than him. Both give the same feedback, none, though talking with my voices is fun sometimes, except when I want to sleep and they want to chat. That drives me crazy.

I can’t believe my birthday is the end of the week. I am dreading it. I really want to spend at least one birthday with my father’s side. It just makes me sad knowing I will be spending it with my mother’s side, who I cannot stand, well, my cousins are okay but I can’t stand one of my mother’s sisters. I feel more loved by my father’s side because I grew up with them. Due to my father’s fight with my mother’s mother, I never knew her side until I was 13. I just knew one of her sisters because she made it a point to keep contact with her despite my grandmother telling her kids not to be in touch with my mother. Just makes me mad that the fight happened and then I was to embrace these people that were my family yet didn’t act like family. They were totally different than my father’s side in a couple of ways that I won’t mention. Now that only one of my father’s sister is surviving and in poor health, I want to spend more time with her. I might get a Zipcar so I can see her in the afternoon one day as a surprise visit. I love my aunt. She is my godmother. Her memory is kind of gone so she doesn’t know who I am most of the time and her hearing is going. It’s also hard for her to understand language as she has Parkinson’s disease. Her son and daughter in law take really good care of her, though it is hard watching her deteriorate. It is taking a toll on them that I cannot imagine. Just kills me that I can’t do anything for them but be there for them.

Last night as I saved my blog (I use a word doc before posting just in case of a website glitch, I don’t lose it), I decided to possibly work on the story that has been running in my head. I wanted to see what I had in the outline. I panicked when I didn’t see it on my laptop or 128 GB thumb drive. That meant it was on the 64 GB that I formatted. Thank goodness I backed it up before erasing the content. I would have lost the paper. I then put the thing on the One drive so I can have it where ever I go. I can access it through my phone. I am glad I back up my files every other month or so, for that reason. Least if I lose one, I have another copy somewhere else. So my message to all of you reading this that write: BACK UP YOUR FILES!!!