Tag: mood disorders

Up and at ’em 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up and at em?

I woke up at 0145, from a sound sleep, because of pain. Now I can’t get back to sleep so I thought I would write for a bit and see if that works. I took my pain meds, both of them. I am thinking of taking an Ativan but will see if I am sleepy in an hour once the pain meds have a chance to work.

My pain has settled down some but my brain has not. I decided to charge my Bluetooth headphones because it’s been a while since they were last charged. I have to watch my niece on Tuesday so I am thinking of taking her to the museum of fine arts. It all depends of how today goes for me. I want to make bacon for breakfast. Usually, that takes a lot out of me. I took two of my “extra strong” pain pills (Dove dark chocolate). It was yummy and hit the spot.

The damn birds are chirping. I don’t fucking believe it and it’s not even daylight out!! It’s 0300! Not even close to dawn. So damn annoying!! They even chirp in the evening too, usually at dusk. If I had a bazooka, I’d shoot them. Damn birds!

I have decided I am going to come up with a list of things to work on in therapy when my therapist is back from vacation. I think it will be a good idea so that there is a plan in place. We don’t have to stick with it but it’s something to do other than me talk the whole session about my past PTSD experiences and such. I know that he is collecting information about me as he doesn’t know me and I just expect him to. I know that is kind of stupid as he is new and doesn’t know a thing about me. Just wishful thinking I guess.

Dammit! I just moved my ankle and it exploded. My ankle down to my toes are hurting really bad. Damn pain syndrome! I never know what is going to cause a flare up and now I am again thinking of ending my life. It’s such a trigger for me to be in intense pain and then thinking of wanting to end my life. It doesn’t happen all the time but it’s happening more and more because I do have a plan to end it. Might not be the best plan but I hope it will work.

I am going to tell the therapist about this because this is the second time in about a week that I have had intense suicidal thoughts when I have intense pain. Maybe he and I can work on some kind of strategy to combat the thoughts so that I don’t resort to wanting to end my life. Dealing with chronic pain is so damn difficult. I never know what brings it on and it can be the slightest movement or thing that I have done a thousand times before but it sets off pain. It’s a real stress situation because you are always wondering if this time it will set it off or not. Like putting on or taking off socks. Or getting more comfortable on my bed while lying down and boom, the movement of my leg sets off ankle pain or toe pain. It’s so frustrating. It makes you not want to do anything but these movements don’t always cause pain so you are just confused and pissed off. Not that you want to be in pain every time you put on socks or take them off, but that the possibility is there.

UGH, I am getting annoyed and it’s not helping to go back to sleep. I guess I am angry that the pain woke me up from a good dream. I don’t remember it but it was something to do with being cared for. I felt really good in the dream, like there was a relief in it.

I have been thinking of starting my diet again of drinking protein shakes for two weeks. I don’t think I will start today because I want bacon. But I think I will substitute a meal for a shake. I heard that is a good way to lose weight. I would do a cereal diet but all I have are cocoa pebble and I don’t think that will help me lose weight because of the sugar in it. If I could just lose ten pounds I would be happy. It’s so damn hard to lose yet it’s so easy to gain. I know the Neurontin doesn’t help me. I can easily gain five pounds without even changing my diet too much. I think it’s mostly water weight because soon as I stop taking it, I lose the extra weight. It is frustrating because I need this medication yet I don’t want to gain weight from it. There isn’t another medication that I can take that works as well as this one. I have tried Lyrica and Lamotagrine. It didn’t really help the nerve pain at all and just made me sick.

I am glad my therapy appointments are in the afternoon because it gives me a chance to wake up and relax a bit if my night was shitty. It doesn’t always work out that way but at least I can go to Starbucks and write a little in my journal before the appointment. I can either go to the Square or Central because there is a Starbucks right at the corner when you exit the station.

I hope I go to sleep soon. It’s really hot in my room but with the damn birds chirping I know it will be louder if I open my window. That will annoy me and it will be hard to get to sleep. Maybe I will take a shower to cool off some. I am kind of sweaty, even though I took a shower yesterday. It might exhaust me some and let me go to sleep afterwards. We’ll see.

Easter 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Easter 2017

I had Easter dinner with the family and afterwards needed a nap, even though I had a cappuccino. I was just so full and tired. I had slept pretty well so I don’t know why I was so tired. No weird dreams today. It was warm so I woke up sweating because I was under my blankets. It’s 80 degrees out so my room is hot, even with the ceiling fan going. I hate the heat. It is much too early though to put in the AC. Luckily it’s just for today and tomorrow the warm weather and then it goes down to the 50s or so. It’s supposed to be nice all week except for Friday. It figures because I have to go out.

Sox won 7-5 so I am happy about that. It was another comeback from behind win. I hope that isn’t the trend for the season. Sox are playing their typical early game tomorrow morning because it’s Patriot’s Day and the Boston Marathon. One of my childhood friends is running. It’s his 19th year and I am so proud of him. I have known him and his wife forever it seems. I am so glad we reconnected through Facebook.

My pain has been minimal today. I haven’t needed my regular pain meds for most of the day. I will take them before bed so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, I hope, anyways. I didn’t work on my project because of family events. I’m going to try tomorrow. I might do some reading tonight. That nap gave me some energy. I don’t think I will be going to sleep right away. I just hope I am not up all night.

My sister and cousin made pillows out of my father’s shirts and ties. She gave my younger sister and I the pillows today. They did a good job.

Ok, maybe I have watched a little bit too much of Criminal Minds, but I really think there is a Charles River Serial Killer out there. Another young adult male was found in the river after leaving the Boston Garden. He was 23 years old. I just know that my nephew is NEVER going there alone. Just too many coincidences that are making me think there is a killer on the loose and the authorities aren’t saying a damn word about it.

in a cranky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a cranky mood

I am in a lot of fucking pain right now and it’s causing me to think about suicide. This is the third consecutive day I have been in pain above an 8 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. I am going out of my mind. I have thought about paging my psych but I know she will just want me in the hospital and I don’t want to go. I am just feeling really bad.

I never worked on my blog project. I keep looking at the notebook and nothing comes. I look at the book but I don’t want to read. I am in the middle of a case vignette on how to use cognitive therapy. So far it’s good learning but I just can’t get back into the book. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s bugging me and making me feel like a loser. I set out to do things and I don’t follow through. Just like the suicidology book that I started reading that was a piece of shit. I was supposed to review that book but I never even read more than maybe three chapters? I know I started writing about what I read but I have no idea what happened to the notebook I was keeping my notes in so now I have to start all over. Pisser.

I’m trying to distract from my suicidal feeling by writing. My throbbing foot is not helping. I just took some more of my regular pain meds. I need a refill soon for those. I just emailed it in. It probably won’t get done until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Maybe I can take my niece to the hospital and have her see the Ether dome. I will be watching her on Tuesday.

I want to go to the museum of fine arts next week. I don’t want my membership to be a loss. I only went once so far. It’s hard to find the motivation to go. I want to see the Egyptian exhibit. It’s my favorite. The first time I went, I went to the gift shop and bought an Egyptian pen. It was a ceramic rollerball. It wrote really fine. I liked it but I kind of like my Jetstream better. It is smoother writing.

My cousin that has bipolar disorder called me tonight. He is going to give me some money so that I can order his a foam topper for his bed, the same kind that I bought. I don’t mind doing this for him. I have been meaning to add my new therapist to my bill pay, but I have been lazy about it. It’s a pain to do it because I have to do it through the web. I can’t do it on my phone. Logging in through the web is so much more difficult than the damn phone. It’s ridiculous. Every single time I log on, I have to have a “security” code sent to my phone to prove it’s me. Meanwhile anyone can log onto my phone and that is okay? I don’t get it. Then to add a new payee you have to go through this rigmarole. I think I will add him when I get my first bill. I just hope it’s reasonable. I can’t afford more than $20/session a week.

I’m feeling really cranky about being in pain. People always say to me they don’t know how I deal with it day in and day out. Frankly, I don’t know how either. It’s like it just became a part of my life and as much as I want it gone, it isn’t going anywhere. Which makes me feel so distressed at times that I want to end my life. It’s funny that the new therapist asked me what I would like to change and I told him I wanted to finish my degree and be a therapist. But that is only going to happen if I win the lottery. I feel so hopeless about everything else in my life. Pain just takes so much from me that it’s really ruining the quality of my life. I am just existing from day to day. I eat, sleep, take my meds, repeat the next day. I have nothing I look forward to except this blog and my readers. Some days it’s a struggle to write. I just don’t have the same thought process I once had. I think the meds are messing that up for me. But my suicidality hasn’t changed at all. My PTSD symptoms have gotten worse with each flare up. I stay up most nights wondering when I will sleep and if I will sleep through the night. It’s hard.

I think the only reason I didn’t grab a bottle of pills tonight is because tomorrow is Easter. It’s always the little things that keep me here. Maybe next flare up, I won’t be so lucky.

procrastinating Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Procrastinating Saturday

I woke up early this morning due to pain and a full bladder. I checked Twitter and one of my Twitter buddies posted that they saw hooves on April the giraffe. I quickly went to the bathroom and then checked Facebook to see if my groups had any info. They posted a link to watch the live birth and I clicked on it using my phone. It took a couple hours for this baby to be born but it was so amazing to see.

I wanted to work on my blog project but things kept on getting in the way. I was procrastinating and the baby giraffe didn’t help. It was a distraction but it also made me fall in love more with giraffes. My friend who is south of Boston started texting me as I was ready to start typing the blog. I just couldn’t do it. So I was texting my friend and his wife for a bit. We agreed to meet up next weekend. I haven’t seen them since January and miss them. Then my other friend PM’d me and I was bombarded between messenger and texts. My battery was drained due to watching the live feed this morning of the giraffe being born so I had to charge my phone.

The friend that PM’d me was telling me about her problems and I was sharing mine with the chronic pain condition that we have. I’m starting to think she is a little bit of a hypochondriac, but I could be wrong. We all want answers to our symptoms and will see what fits and what doesn’t.

Another reason I was procrastinating was that I got a pain flare up. My foot got cold and when I went to put on the sock, the elastic rubbed my ankle the “wrong” way and caused it to be in intense pain. I was seeing stars for a few minutes and then I could feel my ankle spasming. Hello Ativan and pain meds. My mother made eggplant as she is making eggplant parmigiana tomorrow. It smelled so good I risked going downstairs to have some. It gave me great pain but I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I got a text from Walgreens saying my prescription was ready to be picked up so I went. Bad idea. My foot is killing me and felt like I was walking on rocks the whole way and back. It was warm out so of course I sweated from pain and heat. I had to take a strong pain pill when I got home. I think that is the only way out of this flare up that I am in.

While I was sleeping, my android system downloaded a new update. It’s doing its thing now so I don’t have any more distractions while writing this blog. I don’t know why I have been extremely distracted today. I just don’t have the motivation to do anything and I know being in a flare up doesn’t help. I think I am going to try and read the CBT book later this evening. I had an eggplant sandwich while I was downstairs before I left for Walgreens so I shouldn’t be hungry later. I don’t think I will type up what I wrote for my blog project. I just don’t have the patience to read my handwriting and type. I did start a word doc this morning before the calf was born and then it just happened. The birth was pretty fast once the head came out. I am so glad I saw it. It truly was amazing to see. They haven’t named him yet, though some of the people in the groups want to name him Apollo. I am fine with that! It’s a cool name.

When I went downstairs to make my sandwich, my mother wanted me to get a baking dish for her. I think that is what set off my foot pain while walking to Walgreens. I had to put my weight on my foot to get on and off the chair. I don’t know why contractors have to put cabinet shelves so damn high that only tall people can reach them. Ridiculous!

I had another weird dream last night. This one included Wil Wheaton and his wife, Anne. So bizarre. Other than remembering they were in my dream, I don’t remember any other details. I have to take a shower but it won’t be tonight. I am hoping it will be tomorrow morning before Easter dinner. I hope my pain levels will be down by then. Being in pain the last few days has really taken a toll on me. I emailed my psychiatrist in desperation the other night asking if I could hack my ankle off. She didn’t respond.

I had a good talk with my sister today about things. We exchanged our frustrations over stuff. It was good to talk to her as we haven’t really talked that way in a while. She is always busy with her kid or husband so it is hard to talk to her at times.