Tag: mood disorders

Friday evening blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday evening blog

Other than writing a blog this morning, I have done absolutely nothing but eat pizza. I got my book and notebook to try and do some “work” but it didn’t work out for me. I joined some new groups on Facebook about the pregnant giraffe called April to see when and if she will have her calf. I didn’t know giraffe’s gestation periods were 14-16 months long. HOLY SHIT! She showed some abnormal behavior today so everyone is thinking she is going to have the baby this weekend. I hope so. I would love seeing a baby giraffe being born. I love giraffes. So for most of the afternoon, all I did was check my Facebook feeds for news and of course Twitter for my trump news. Boring ass he is spending the government money to pay for his resort and vacation time. I could see if he has done anything worthy of a vacation but I think we have our first Monday through Friday president in office.

It got really cold though the temp was near 60 today so my mother turned on the heat after I closed the window. My room is warm now so I have the ceiling fan on. I haven’t re-opened the window, yet. I got hit with a flare after lunch so I have been trying to stay off my ankle as much as possible. I don’t know why it flared up as I haven’t done anything today. I forgot to note the time I took my regular pain meds, which sucks because I don’t know what time to take them next. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I hate doing so because it makes me loopy and fucks with my sleep.

A friend in Australia has some wounds that are not healing for him. It’s because of bad circulation and nerve damage. I told him about Manuka honey and he bought a jar. I don’t think it’s the kind for wound healing so it’s not helping him any. I found some CVS brand bandages that I am going to buy for him and ship to him when I get paid next. I just hope they are big enough for his wound as it looks pretty big. He showed me the pics last night. They weren’t seeping or anything but looked nasty. It’s a good thing he is numb or he’d be in some mighty big pain.

Can’t believe my father has been gone for almost a year now. So strange not having him in my life anymore. I still expect him to call or I want to call him to see how he is and then I remember he is gone. I still remember the day he died as if it was yesterday. I never finished the story I wrote when I was in the hospital last year. I have not touched the notebook I wrote it on. It’s still in my backpack. His anniversary date is not this Tuesday but the Tuesday afterwards. It’s going to be a hard day.

Friday Morning blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday morning blog

I am watching my niece today because it’s Good Friday, a religious Catholic holiday. She has the day off from school, something that I never got when I was in school. Apparently, rules changes concerning religion so any time there is a religious holiday due to whatever domination, the kids have the day off from school.

Next week is April vacation week. I will be watching my niece on Tuesday as well. Today I will be ordering pizza. I don’t know what I will be doing Tuesday. Maybe I will take her to Starbucks with me, if she is willing to go. I was thinking of going today but my ankle is hurting kind of severely. I really don’t want to leave the house.

I woke up to a weird dream. I dreamed that I was in therapy with an older woman. It was our second session and I could barely hear her as she had laryngitis. My former therapist was in the room while we were talking. Then my teddy bear became a male toddler. He had just a diaper on him and was getting cranky because it was wet. I didn’t have another diaper but the therapist did. As I was changing him, he started crapping and it was diarrhea. I cleaned him up and he crapped green shit again. I got it all over myself. There was a shower in the office so I washed him and myself up. I didn’t have another diaper to change him. I felt like a bad father. I had no idea why my teddy bear became a live human. Anyways he walks to a chair and as I am telling him not to sit down, he sits and shit gets all over the chair. I pick him up and then I wake up, shaking my head. Weirdest dream ever.

I just ordered pizza and fries. Should be here in about a half hour or less. I can’t wait. I have been craving pizza all week long. I ordered a large so that my mother can have some, too. I usually order half because no one but me eats cold pizza. I don’t like it reheated. It tastes funny.

I am going to try finishing the CBT book that I started earlier this week after lunch. I should type up what I have written for the blog I am writing. I wrote it in a notebook on Monday. It’s an interesting book and I find it exciting to read because it stimulates my thought process. It’s a short book, only about 8 or 9 chapters and I am in chapter 5 right now. Reading it is not technical, least for me because I have a clinician brain. I am learning as I go as I am more psychodynamically oriented than Cognitive behaviorally. I can’t wait to write up this blog!

Random 334

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 334

I had a good sleep. I then made lunch. I heated up some ribs that I bought. It was half a rack and they were yummy. I ate the whole thing. I still am pretty full so I don’t think I will have anything else tonight. I might have cereal if I get hungry. As I went out on the porch to grab a soda, I found the box of cocoa pebbles that I knew I had. I didn’t put it in the cabinet. It was on the chair that is out there. In my recent grocery delivery, I bought three boxes so I wouldn’t run out. Now I have four. I just wish I bought some almond milk but by the time I thought of it, it was past the deadline to add stuff to the order. I will just grab it at Walgreens the next time I go.

I spent the day resting my leg and ankle today. I was in a lot of pain last night and had to take two strong pain meds to quiet down the intensity. I shouldn’t have gone up the stairs at the train station. I thought I could handle it. I thought wrong. Going down the stairs is easier for me than going up. And then having to walk to my therapist’s office was a killer.

Late last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her if she thought I needed therapy. I felt like I was handling things okay since my other therapist basically dumped me. I really don’t know if going to therapy is going to help me at this point in my life. I have been going for so long that I kind of enjoyed the break. I am not saying it made me less suicidal or anything. I do know that since increasing the Zoloft dose, I have been able to cope with things better. Pain bothers me but doesn’t send me to a suicidal crisis every time I have a flare up. I have been managing my pain a little better, though I don’t really know what has been different. I guess being able to use my strong pain meds more liberally has been a help. Before that, I was just taking it when I was at a suicidal point. Now I take it before I reach that and the pain usually quiets down so I can manage.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me this morning and said yes, I need therapy and that I should be in it for six months. I cringed. That seems like an awfully long time to know if this is going to work or not. My biggest fear is being dumped again. I don’t have the sense that this guy is going to do that but I didn’t think that after 16 years, my former therapist and I would call it quits either.

My therapist that I am seeing calls losing my former therapist a loss. I try not to think about it much because it’s like this huge hole inside me. She hurt me a lot by ending it and not being able to work on what wasn’t working. Maybe we just reached the end of the line and there was nothing to do but terminate in the end. She still has not called me about my things being ready to be picked up. I definitely want my bears back. I don’t care so much about the paperwork and books. But I want my Johnny, Bucky, and Amelia. If I don’t hear from her next week, I will text her. Her billing still hasn’t fixed their error. I have no idea what I owe her and I refuse to pay her until it’s sorted out.

It’s that hour where my ankle/foot/toes go berserk. I am in pain, again, even though I haven’t done anything the past hour. That is the frustrating part of this condition, that I will be in pain if I do nothing or do something. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I need to take my night meds soon. I hope the nap I took in the afternoon didn’t screw up my sleep. It was a good nap, though I dreamt I went to China and the smell made me sick. Weird.

Feeling out of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling out of sorts

I didn’t sleep well last night, despite being really tired. I woke up a few times during the night that messed up my sleep. When I woke up at 0530, I was in pain so took some pain meds. Luckily, I went back to sleep for a few hours. I heard my mother get up and turn on the tea kettle. I decided to make a cup of tea as I will be having my espresso this afternoon.

The new therapist got back to me yesterday and I have an appointment with him this afternoon. I am kind of nervous. I just want to clarify some things with him before I fully decide to stay with him.

I ordered some groceries and they will be delivered in a few hours. I really want to go back to sleep but I don’t want to be sleeping all day. I was hoping the tea would wake me up some but it didn’t. I just feel really groggy. It’s warm in my room but there are supposed to be storms this afternoon so I don’t want to open the window. It’s nice right now, a little over 60 degrees out. I will be wearing shorts today when I go out. I hope the groceries comes before 1300. I really would like to get out and get coffee to try and wake up. I feel like shit right now.

I took a shower last night because I was sweating so much. It was so warm yesterday and it got humid out. I hate humidity. The shower was good. I ended up having to take another strong pain med afterwards because my ankle was really sore afterwards. I then was groggy and fell asleep earlier than I usually do. I was just so tired.

My groceries came sooner than I thought and I put everything away. I had some lunch and will be leaving soon to catch the 1300 bus. I figure that will give me time to have my espresso and read a little bit while at Starbucks. I want to take a nap but I don’t think that will be a good idea.

I went to Starbucks and wrote until it was time to catch the train. By then it had started to rain and I was cursing because I did my hair. Luckily it wasn’t downpours so I didn’t get too wet. I met with the therapist and discussed my concerns. He seems okay with my suicidality but then, I am not in crisis so we’ll see how that goes. We are just getting to know one another. I told him my life history again, with a little more detail about my childhood and how I grew up with my father. I haven’t delved into more than physical and emotional abuse at this point. All in good time, I guess. The hour went by pretty fast.

I again missed the bus so had to wait twenty minutes for the next one. As I was waiting, a girl who looked to be around my niece’s age sat next to me and man did her hair smell, like it hadn’t been washed in some time. I had to get away from her because it was making me sick. On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick up eggs for my mother. Now I am home and my ankle is hurting me so bad. I hope that I can sleep tonight. I still have to make a burger for dinner. It’s my last one. Tomorrow, I plan on making the ribs I bought. I just haven’t decided if I am going to have them for lunch or dinner.