Tag: physical pain

espresso, exhaustion, and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Espresso, exhaustion, and pain

I woke up several times during the night and early morning. I kept having weird dreams. I finally got up around 11. I wanted espresso, though I really didn’t feel like going out to get it. I had to return the thing I bought from Amazon so I figure I might as well get something to eat and my favorite drink.

Allergies were bad today. I keep sniffling and my nose keeps running. Didn’t help that they were cutting the grass. I love the smell of fresh cut grass but sometimes it makes my allergies worse. The bus was late and I was contemplating going back home. But I stuck it out and did my errand.

I think the soy milk was bad because there was residue at the bottom of the cup and the drink didn’t taste right. I drank some of it and wanted a nap. I didn’t feel like writing. I just wanted to go home. The next bus wasn’t for another hour so I played with my phone. A friend that I had met in the hospital sent me a pic of my book. She was reading it and liked it a lot. That made me feel good. I was feeling pretty depressed most of the day, suicidal at times. I am having a hard time because pain is making me crazy.

The bus came and I wasn’t even half way done with my espresso. I tried to drink more of it while on the ride home but it was so bitter it was hard to do. I dumped it when I got off the bus. I went to Walgreens to get a Dew Kickstarter. It’s like an energy drink. Maybe that will keep me from going to sleep. I don’t know. I got to my street and my ankle exploded. FUCK. Going up the stairs was torture. Then my bladder told me it needed to be relieved so I had to go back down the stairs. It was really muggy in the house so I was sweating. I hate the heat so bad. I am glad I brought the cane with me when I went downstairs. My ankle didn’t want to work at all.

I am really tired but I don’t want to sleep for fear of screwing up my sleep cycle, whatever the hell that is at the moment. I have a lot of things going on in Oct. I talked to my friend last night and we coordinated a dinner date south of Boston with my friend’s family. They wanted to do it on a Monday but because I have therapy, I can’t go. I also have the meeting with the pain group coordinator the following day. Then every Thursday there is an appt. I meet with the new neuro and then I have my physical. I hope somewhere in between to get my name changed. I was hoping the 1st week in Oct but I don’t think that will happen. I still need to call the courthouse to find out what kind of payment they accept for name changes. I’ll call after I finish this blog as it will be before closing time.

My Sox lost last night. It was a crappy night. They had a rain delay around 9 or 10 and I took that time to go to sleep. I wasn’t sure if the game was going to be postponed or continued and I wasn’t staying up to find out.

This weekend, I am going to try and buy some more zucchini so I can make the zucchini bread I made a few weeks ago. I want to bring it in to my psychiatrist. She loved the cookies I made. I somehow got to figure out a day and time to get my fasting blood work done. I’d say morning but I am never up in the morning anymore. Very rare that I am up before 9 these days because I have such an erratic sleep pattern.

I think my not sleeping is really fucking with my mood. Since I have been sleeping more and have no energy, my depression has deepened and I’m thinking a lot about suicide. I keep imagining my death and how I would do it. I got no plans to act on my thoughts but keep wondering if I could act. I just feel so miserable. Being in pain all the time is not fun and you can’t get used to it because it changes all the time. I tried to push through today and it exhausted me more than if I stayed home. I haven’t showered all week and I don’t care. Just feel really hopeless that things are never going to get better, that I am stuck with my ankle and foot acting up whenever they feel like it, regardless of whether or not I have done anything. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

Is it pain or depression making you tired?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Is it pain or depression making you tired?

Past two days, I have been sleeping a lot. Yesterday was hard after my PCP’s appt because I was in so much pain, I couldn’t sleep. But after the pain settled down, I was able to sleep, least until 0530 when pain woke me up again. I stayed up till 0700 so I could shut off the medication alarms that would go off in a few hours. Since that time, I have been sleeping on and off most of the day. I feel so lifeless. I don’t have motivation to do anything. One of my cousin’s invited my sisters and I to her house Friday night. I don’t think we are going to go. I just feel so shitty and I’m sure my sisters would be able to come up with some excuse. It would be nice to see them again, though. I just don’t have a car to see them even if I wanted to. She is not on a bus line.

My suicidality is also up. The intense pain that I was feeling this morning really triggered me. I am counting up the days. I don’t care. I should pick a date and then go through with it but I don’t want to do that. I really don’t want to exist.

I wanted a hug from my sister last night so asked her to come up as I wasn’t able to go down. She had an asthma attack soon as she entered my room. I felt really bad. I am going to get an air purifier. I need to vacuum my rug. That is the hard part. I don’t have the energy or the stamina to do it. I’ve been meaning to do it for weeks now. There is no way it is happening today. I don’t have enough energy for anything. I feel like a lump on a log. I was able to brush my teeth today. Yesterday, I didn’t at all. I just couldn’t bring myself to.

I sent multiple emails to my psych yesterday and I think this morning. I have not had any replies. Probably too busy. I told her I got my lab orders in the computer so I just need to fast to get my blood drawn. I’ll probably get it done next week when I see her next. I almost felt like paging her last night as I felt so shitty and overwhelmed with pain. I don’t know how I am going to deal with this if my foot doesn’t get better. It’s been gnawing me all day.

My mother made supper, pasta with oil and garlic. My stomach is probably going to be in knots as garlic has been bothering my stomach lately. I like the flavor ok but not the cloves. Afterwards, my ankle and foot started bothering me and it was really hot in the kitchen so I left for my room. It’s really warm today so I have the AC on. Hopefully when the temps drop, I won’t freeze my butt off.

Random 911 Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 911 post

Remembering all those that perished this day 16 years ago and the military that died fighting over the past 16 years. Their lives were not lost in vain. Never forget that dreadful day.

I went to therapy today. I didn’t talk much as there was nothing I felt like talking about. I thought he would bring up the text I sent him about my suicidal plan but he didn’t. I knew he wouldn’t. He spent most of the time picking his nails, even during the time I was silent. Think I’m just going to refer him as Nail Picker from now on.

I forgot to put some pain meds in my pocket pill box so I went without them again. I am paying the price for it now. My ankle is really hurting. On the safe side, I am using my cane around the house. I’m supposed to start the lower dose of Invega but I will wait till tomorrow.

It’s warm today so I had the AC running when I finished my dinner. My mother made stir fry chicken. It was good. Now I’m cold so I shut it off. I had it running before going to sleep, which was not a good idea as the temp dropped below 60 degrees. I woke up around 0330 freezing my ass off. Then I woke up 3 hours later due to my med alarm going off. I really didn’t want to get up at 1 but I was low on Starbucks cash so couldn’t get something to eat there. I had just enough for my espresso, which was more important. I had a bowl of cereal. I then got dressed as the time changed for the bus.

All day Facebook and Twitter were offering remembrances of the events that occurred on this day. It was sad. And then you had a few jerks that talked about it all being a conspiracy. No asshole 2 planes went into the Twin Towers, 1 went into a cornfield in Pennsylvania and another went into the Pentagon. By terrorists!! Makes me so mad that people come up with other ideas. If this had happened during Trump’s admin, I might buy it as a whole bunch of government lies are being told daily, chiefly by him. But Bush? I don’t think so.

I listened to Pearl Jam most of the time I was out, least until my Bluetooth headset lost power as I forgot to charge it. After therapy, I just wore a wired headset. You really get used to a wireless headset and don’t realize what a pain it is to use a wired set.

I have an early morning appointment with my PCP tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I need his input about my ankle giving out on me. I also want a referral to occupational health to see if they can help get me a brace of some sort around the house so I don’t have to use a cane or hang on to the walls for support. It happens randomly and I’ve noticed it happens more when my ankle is fatigued. It feels really tired and just doesn’t want to operate anymore. Then I am hit with intense pain so bad that I can’t bear weight on it. I will be very upset if he doesn’t do anything about it and tells me to wait until next month for the new neuro appt. I’ll lose it on him or on someone. If I could wear my AFO around the house, I would but my sense of sensing where my foot is is not that great and even worse when I wear the thing. I really don’t want to fall down my stairs.

I have a feeling, I am not going to get much sleep tonight because I am in a lot of pain right now. I still need to take my night meds. Standing up is going to be fun. Maybe I should take a strong pain pill now so it doesn’t get worse. But that is no guarantee it will work the way I hope it will. If there was another time available for my PCP I would have taken it because I am not a morning person. I’ll be lucky if I get at least 3 or 4 hours sleep. What really sucks is because the appt is so early, my pain is going to be low and my ankle should be functioning the way it should be. That is the frustrating part of this damn condition, CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It never acts up at doctor appts. But if I am sleep deprived, the ankle might not act the way it should. I guess if I had confidence in my doc, I wouldn’t be worried. This will only be the 4th or 5th time seeing him since we met last December. He is very cautious and likes to think on things a little too much, in my opinion. I still haven’t figured out if this is a good or bad thing. It is annoying as you are just waiting for him to come up with some kind of plan or treatment. Maybe I shouldn’t have coffee so I can be grumpy, LOL

Sunday Blog 10 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 10 September 2017

I was up till at least 0330. That was the last time I looked at the clock, least until my med alarm went off. I was in a lot of pain. My foot was on fire so I took it out from under the blankets and I have no idea what I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I was hurting so bad. I had to take a strong pain pill and then I started getting anxiety from the pain so I took some Ativan.

My mother called me around 1500 to see where I was and what I wanted for dinner. She asked why I was sleeping and I said because of pain. She then asked if I had pain medication to take. Really?? Just because I do, doesn’t mean it works right away or that it takes the pain away 100%. I was too tired to argue with her so just let her talk. It just angered me that after all this time, she still doesn’t get it.

I took a shower and decided to wear my American Association of Suicidology shirt that I got. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I posted a pic of me wearing it on my social media. I look like a girl. My stupid breasts are huge and my smile is dorky. I hate taking pictures of myself.

My bad foot slipped in the shower a few times and then while I was walking to go back to my room, it gave out on me. I didn’t bring my cane down because it wasn’t bothering me. I did the best I could going up the stairs. I then did my meds for the week and took another strong pain pill. I tried putting on the brace that I have but when I put a little pressure on the top of my foot to secure the Velcro, that set off more pain. I am so tired I just want to go back to sleep but I know that if I do, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have been thinking about the people down in Florida who are being flooded by Irma. Miami is nothing but water. I hope no one drowns or gets killed. The sheriffs have issued warnings not to shoot at Irma. I swear the Floridians are just gun happy people that will shoot at anything or anybody.

I’m going to try and stay up till 8 pm. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am really tired now. I feel really hungover and I hate that feeling. Tomorrow I am going to try and call the court and find out what method of payment they take to get my name change and which courthouse to go to as there are two buildings. I really want to be able to change my name at the end of the month. I am excited and scared of doing this. I know when I do, there will be no turning back but keep moving forward.

I want to have a cup of coffee but it’s after 1800 and if I do have one, it might keep me up all night. I have therapy tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to. I haven’t seen him in two weeks because last Monday was a holiday. Maybe I will make a cup of tea…