Tag: physical pain

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting, painful, and depressing day

I did not want to get out of bed today but I knew that if I didn’t, I’d get slapped with a $190 charge from my therapist for not canceling within 24 hours. It was an incentive to get up, but not enough of one to shower. I did brush my teeth.

I felt like I was walking in mud most of the day, soon as I left my house. I was just really tired. My legs felt heavy, like I couldn’t move them. My ankle was fine until I got to my therapist’s office building. Then it felt like it was being torn apart. I can’t stand when my depression is like this. I am going to ask my psych if I can increase the Zoloft to 200 mg/day. It might break some of this stuff.

The weather is awful. It was muggy when I came home and then the temp dropped so it is freezing now. I had to shut off the AC. Only thing I had to eat today was a pumpkin scone, a bite of a brownie, and some microwavable mac and cheese. I am not too hungry. I just want to sleep. I am in a lot of pain and the night is still young. I’m not sure I am going to sleep.

While I was at Starbucks, it started raining. I was trying to write in my journal but it was difficult. I couldn’t really concentrate on writing so mostly just listened to my music and twittled with my phone. I think I am going to avoid Twitter over the next few days because the Senate is proposing a bill to cut Medicaid and that is all people are talking about. Call your senators. I’m so tired of seeing this every few months. And if I am, I am sure that other people are as well. It sucks that the public has to tell their elected senators to do the right thing. Dispicable.

As I couldn’t write in my journal, I decided to get some zucchini so I could make my zucchini bread. I know it won’t be tomorrow as I am in too much pain and I doubt I will sleep. I’ll probably make it either Wed or Thursday. After I got the zucchini, I just went to the train station where it was warmer than Starbucks.

Therapy went ok. Guy is still picking his nails as he talks to me. We talked about how my depression can be so heavy at times that it’s overwhelming. I also told him I wanted to give up. He didn’t say anything. I’m starting to think this therapy is just whatever I want it to be about without any therapy happening. I just talk with no structure at all. I get more from talking to my psychiatrist for 20 minutes.

I got to get my blood drawn this week. I think I will get it done on Friday when I have to be at the hospital anyway to see my psych. Results won’t be done until later that day but as long as I have them in, that is all that matters. The hard part will be fasting because I tend to drink PowerAde with my meds, especially at night. Guess I will have to drink water if I need my meds.

The top of my foot is screaming. I already took a strong pain pill and can’t take my regular meds for another hour. Maybe I’ll use some lidocaine. I know I am going to be hurting at least the next three days because a hurricane is coming up this way. It’s mostly going to be on the coast where it will be worst, but we’ll have rain. My back is already aching. I honestly don’t know how I am going to make the zucchini bread when I know I am going to be in a lot of pain. Even if I am having a low pain day, I could still flare up from baking. Least I will have something chocolate when I want it.

don’t give a fuck Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t give a fuck Saturday

I woke up around 11 or so. I needed coffee. I had a late night listening to the ball game as they went into extra innings. We won 13-6 in the 15th. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I made coffee. I had a pop tart with it and then went up to my room. By the time I got to my room, my ankle flared up. I got really depressed. I took some pain meds and waited for them to work.

I decided to read for a bit hoping that would distract me from my pain. I finished my coffee and brought my cup downstairs. I ate some turkey breast and then decided to take a nap. My ankle wasn’t having none of it. I really wanted to die at this point. I couldn’t take anymore pain meds as I just took them. It was a gnawing type of pain all around my ankle bone. I posted some things on Facebook and took an Ativan. Then I put some lidocaine on my ankle, which the bone was tender to the touch. I then forced myself to lie down and try and sleep. I put the AC on energy saver so I wouldn’t freeze my ass off.

I just didn’t care anymore. My Buckeyes were playing and I could care less. My Huskers were too. Sox are playing now. I just want to sleep. I am tired of being in pain. Tired of being.

trans issues and other things on a Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trans Issues and other things on a Friday

I was having lunch with my mother this afternoon. She had made tuna and I was having some with crackers. As I had made my decision to change my name soon, I thought I would tell her that. She seemed okay with me changing my name so I went a little further and told her I was trans. She asked what I meant and I said that I am a man in a female body. I also said that I plan on going forward with getting hormones so I could be a man. She seemed okay with it. I was overjoyed. I went up to her and said, are you okay with me being a man? She said, you dress like one anyway.

I felt such relief, my head was spinning. I texted everyone and then wrote on Twitter. I got a lot of responses that were supportive. I still can’t believe my mother, who I was convinced hated me, said the words, “I just want you to be happy”. My sister sent me the most supportive message, which is what I needed to hear because my mood has been so dark lately.

After lunch, I went to my room and tried to write a blog solely on the transgender issue but pain interrupted that. I tried napping to ease it and my foot/ankle cramped up. I didn’t want to take an Ativan because I really didn’t want to sleep so heavy or feel out of it, like the Neurontin is making me. I took some magnesium supplements and waited a few hours. I went down to the basement to fetch my dirty gravy and some frozen dinners. Tomorrow I will heat up the gravy and make some pasta for lunch.

I don’t know why my pain is so damn high. All I did was shower and make breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes, which I have had in a while. They were good, even though I forgot to put sugar in the batter. But that is why you use syrup. I also made coffee, which was good as I used spring water rather than tap and boiled it in a pan rather than the tea kettle. I wanted to see if there would be a different taste and there was. The downside was that because I used the amount of water for the cup, it wasn’t enough for the coffee so the coffee was a bit strong, good though. I needed it to get me through the fog I was in.

A friend of mine is reading my Darkness Always Wins book. I guess I didn’t edit it too well as she found some typos. She is going to read the book and then edit it for me. I can always upload changes to the book. I sent her the word doc for the book so she will get back to me when she is done reading it. She said she is advertising my book to anyone that might be interested in it. I thought that was sweet of her. The sales haven’t been so great on this book so any advertising would be awesome.

Ankle Chronicles 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 14

I had to look up the last time I wrote about this. It was almost a year ago. I know I talk about my ankle and foot pain in most of my blogs but sometimes I dedicate a blog solely to my ankle. It helps me takes my mind off the pain.

I took a lot of Neurontin tonight. I just couldn’t deal. Unfortunately, it didn’t take care of the bone pain that I felt. I slept for a few hours and then I wanted some cocoa pebbles. I threw in some granola and oats cereal that I had. I like mixing the two. It tastes really good. I am hoping later today to make oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a while.

I haven’t called any physical therapy (PT) places. Thing is, most of these places you need to fax in the prescription order before they call you. It is ridiculous. I don’t know if they will help me or harm me. I am going to try and fax the script over to Spaulding Rehab which is down the street from me rather than go to Charlestown. Both places seem to be good though I never have had PT at the place down the street. I just seen the physiatrist (bone and muscle specialist). Thing that bothers me is that my PCP didn’t give me the diagnosis of CRPS. He just wrote “ankle pain of unknown etiology”. Etiology mean they don’t know the cause of the pain. I am so frustrated with not having the diagnosis of CRPS when I clearly have it. It is pissing me off to the nth degree.

I woke up from my 2.5 hour nap. My ankle felt okay so I didn’t take the cane down the stairs with me when I had the bowl of cereal. When I was placing the bowl on the table, my ankle acted up. I was not happy. It settle down though. I had take my pain meds an hour ago so I should get some relief soon. I also took an Ativan to get back to sleep. I am not sure if I am going to sleep all day or not. I might sleep in spirts. Because I took a high dose of Neurontin, I am not sure how my sleep will be. I am just glad that the burning and nerve pain is not there. Sometimes it’s difficult to know physical pain from nerve pain. You just know that you hurt really bad and you want it gone, no matter what.

Other than sleeping off the Neurontin and making pancakes, I was thinking of making the lemon sour cream cookies that I made last week. I need to use up the sour cream before it goes bad. If I don’t make it today, I will try tomorrow. I really like baking. It’s fun. Now that I know what temp to cook the cookies at and not leave a pan on the bottom rack, I think it will be cookie time for a while. The cookies are great with coffee. I brought them with me when I went to Starbucks.

My ankle bone is hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill soon. This pill is the only thing that takes away that pain. I hate taking it because lately I have had problems peeing. I sit on the toilet and it take a while for me to pee. I hate having this hesitancy. It’s awful. It also increases my constipation so I don’t go for a few days at a time. I have to take fiber pills in order to go. It is such a balancing act.

While I was trying to sleep, all I thought about was killing myself. The pain was just so bad and I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I hate it when I am overtired. It always makes me suicidal. I keep wanting to end my life in my backyard but I am too afraid of being eaten by animals. I just want the pain to be gone and I don’t really care that it will take my life in the process. I don’t really have a life worth living.

I checked my sales for last month. I sold 3 of my memoir books. 2 books and one eBook. I am feeling sad that no one has bought my second book, at all. Only person to buy it was my psychiatrist and a friend in Ireland. She bought the Kindle version. I think I sold more as signed books than I have through Amazon. I am going to try and talk to an independent book store that I pass by every week when I go to therapy. Maybe they will stock one or both of my books. It will be interesting to see. I don’t know if they will do it but I can ask. I just need the courage to do it.