Tag: physical pain

Chronic Pain Patients and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Chronic Pain Patients and Suicide

I was reading my tweets on Twitter. One of the chronic pain people that I follow retweeted something from a pain doctor. It was about suicides and the CDC guidelines that want to cut opioid prescriptions or limited them to only certain doctors. The article was badly editing as there were plenty of typos and I did not like the use of the word “committed” for every suicide he listed. It is sad and I know that more suicides are going to happen as the government tries to control doctors due to basically peer pressure. They have no idea what kind of havoc they are doing to those suffering from chronic pain and lead good lives because their pain is controlled.

Most of you all know I suffer from chronic pain and suicidal thoughts. My only saving grace at times is that I know after taking my meds, even though it takes a while to work, my pain will go away and be better in the morning. My suicidal thoughts will also be better when I wake up. If I no longer have my meds, I am as good as dead. There will be no point in living. I can see what all those people mentioned in the article go through. They died within weeks of being either taken off their meds or having them reduced. Some docs just stopped prescribing out of fear of losing their medical license. Some pain clinics closed their doors, leaving the patients to find other docs to just turn them down and having no where to go. This isn’t right. Taking away pain meds from patients who are not addicted and have adequate control is doing harm and causing deaths by suicide. Here is the article if you want to read it: https://medium.com/@ThomasKlineMD/here-is-a-list-of-suicides-as-of-9-9-17-caused-by-governmental-recommendations-to-educe-opioid-903c460abbc

Sometimes I think I need to end my life before my meds are taken away from me. I don’t know if my state will pressure docs to reduce their opioid prescribing privileges or number of scripts they write a year. I’m not on a lot of pain meds and I don’t abuse what I take. I take my meds in the manner they are prescribed to the letter. The sad thing is, even though my pain is somewhat managed, I still am disabled because I can’t walk that far or stand for any length of time. Just waiting for the bus or standing on the train is enough to cause me wicked bad pain at night. I remember what my pain was like when I was working. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night and then would only have a few hours to start my next shift. It would be a really long day and then half way through my shift, I would start feeling excruciating pain that would sometimes land me in the ED. It was terrible. I know now that I will never be able to work again because my pain is just becoming unpredictable and too severe. There are some nights where all I can think about is ending my life because the pain is so severe I don’t think it’s ever going to go away or lessen. I am lucky, in a sense, that I can’t walk to where I want to die in these moments. Hell, sometimes I can’t even go to the bathroom.

Living with chronic pain is terrible and if people without a medical degree continue to dictate what a person with a medical degree does with their patients, the suicide rate is going to go up. There is no way it can go down, even with the best suicide prevention out there. There will be no stopping someone from taking their life because of untreated chronic pain. I am not talking about psychache, but I know those with chronic pain also have that too and can contribute to their suicidal thinking. I also know that if a chronic pain patient starts thinking about suicide, they should be referred to a mental health counselor or treatment center. Their pain meds should not be reduced or played with because of suicide risk. I know in my situation I was fortunate to have doctors that knew me well enough and knew that I would get help should my depression or suicidal thoughts got worse. Some patients don’t have that luxury. Always take suicidal thinking seriously. If that person owns a firearm, ask to hold it for them until their suicidal crisis is over. Make sure they get the mental health help they need. Also makes sure their pain is being properly treated or it’s not going to matter if they get that mental health help or not.

If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text START to 741741, if in the US. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to other countries hotlines but they are available. I know Austrailia has a bunch and the UK has Samaritans 116 123 is their number off the top of my head. You matter and are important and enough, always!

pdoc, pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pdoc, pain, and other things

I woke up early despite going to bed late. My text alert for the bus I take was going off so thought it was my alarm. My psych sent me an email about the time I woke up to reschedule our appt to an earlier time. That was fine with me. I took a shower and then tried to go back to sleep but I got hungry. I left to catch the bus for the Square so I could eat at Starbucks. I knew it was going to be a long day but I can rest the weekend.

I picked up my scripts at my PCP’s office and then went to my psych’s building. When the time for our appt approached, my ankle bone started hurting and then my toe bones did too. Fuck. I didn’t have medication on me to take because I forgot to refill my pill pack. While I met with my doc, my ankle really hurt and I almost let out a yell while she was looking at my labs. I told her the Invega was causing weight gain. She said I needed fasting blood work and she lowered my dose. Hopefully that helps and I don’t hear the bad voices again. I have been doing well with this med. But I don’t want to weigh 300 pounds either. I have been careful with eating but my appetite sometimes get the better of me. I have a sweet tooth but I am not eating candy all the time or sweets. Mostly it’s regular food but in large quantities. I don’t feel full until my stomach hurts.

We also discussed my ankle pain. She wanted me to see my PCP but he didn’t have any openings until Tuesday. She wants me to bring up the blood work up with him, in case he decides to order anything. I hate getting my blood drawn because I am hard stick. I am going to requested a referral to occupational health to see if they can provide some brace I can walk around the house in to keep my ankle stable. It doesn’t like to be flexed when it goes out and then becomes so painful, I can bear weight on it, making walking really difficult. I can’t use the AFO in the house because I have too many stairs. If my proprioception (sense of sensing, basically) wasn’t off, I don’t think it would be a problem. I just don’t want to fall down the stairs because I couldn’t sense where my foot is and with the AFO, it’s harder to sense where it is. I did buy an ankle support off Amazon that will be coming with today’s mail. It’s a short term fix and I have no idea if it will help but it’s worth a shot.

My fricken ankle is hurting so bad right now, it’s not funny. It’s throbbing and stabbing me. Half my foot and ankle hurts. If I could cut it off, I would. As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a guy with a prosthetic ankle and I was so envious. I know amputation has its own pain but it can’t be worse than what I am going through. I wish I could say this was my “normal” pain but it’s not. It’s bone pain and it’s getting more and more frequent. I don’t like the way this condition is progressing. I have started taking 1000 mg of vitamin C to see if that can help with the pain. I’ve been on it a week now and there has been no change. I am going to give it a month and see if it helps. I am trying to get on top of the pain but it keeps fucking changing and I can’t keep up. Like I wrote the other night, it’s not like I can say okay at this time, I am going to feel this so I should take this med now. Doesn’t work that way and by the time you feel the pain, you are stuck with it for more than hour because that is how long it takes the pills to fucking work. But then the physical pain changes to nerve pain so you need to take another med for that. It’s a never ending game you play. I am sick of it. I want off the rollercoaster, permanently! I hope my PCP can help me or I’ll tell him to fuck off. But the appt is at 0800 so my pain levels are going to be low. Just shoot me now.

feeling a day off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling a day off

Because I had a rough night sleeping, I woke feeling disoriented. Despite my phone being near me, I missed a phone call this morning from my PCP’s office. I’m glad they left a detailed message so I didn’t have to call to find out what they wanted. My scripts are ready so I’ll pick it up tomorrow before my psych appointment. I thought today was Friday when I woke up but when I checked my phone, it was Thursday. Totally disorienting. I woke up feeling stuffy. Allergies are bad today. I need to use my Flonase to clear up the congestion.

I felt like going out as my pain was minimal. I checked the new schedule and there was a bus at 1145 I could catch. I washed up and brushed my teeth. I grabbed some cookies to bring with me and left to walk to the bus stop. My phone was at 50% but I figured I could charge it at Starbucks. I ordered my drink and something to eat when I got close to Starbucks. I really like the mobile order. I felt like getting a snickers latte today so I created it. I then saved it in my favorites so I can order it when I am in the mood.

I didn’t stay long as the portable charger I had was dead. I couldn’t charge my phone. It was good I left when I did because an estimator was at the door but my mother didn’t hear the doorbell. We need to redo the porches as the wood is rotting. I stayed with him while he was talking to my mother so I knew what was going on and my mother could hear him and understand. He said he would call with an estimate.

Last night my laptop screen went berserk on me. It’s glitchiness is getting worse. I think I am going to get a new laptop. I was pricing what I need/want from Dell. Whatever model I chose, it still was around $600, the most expensive was the software for Office 2016. I am going to try and see if I can get a better price online. Maybe Amazon has it a little lower price or something.

I’m feeling really tired as I was up late. I wrote a blog while I was up in pain. Someone I don’t know on Twitter tweeted me and we talked for a while until sleep entered our brains. She said she would tweet me in the afternoon but I haven’t heard from her yet. I was full of despair last night as I was so fed up being in pain for the 4th day in a row. I have no idea what I wrote in the blog as I didn’t type it on my laptop. I just used the WordPress app. I was feeling so miserable so god only knows what I wrote.

I asked what my mother wanted for dinner and she wanted me to cook pasta. Normally, I wouldn’t mind but I was thinking of a turkey roll up so I’m having that and she is going to make herself pasta. I need to use up the turkey breast I bought. I bought a pound because I was going through smaller amounts. But I am the only that eats it. My mother doesn’t like it for whatever reason. She never really likes what I buy.

failed nap and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Failed nap and other things

I was supposed to have a phone interview for a back pain study but I overslept. I just could wake up at the time I was supposed to. I got up around noon time and made coffee. I had some of my cookies with the coffee. I had to resort to walking around with a cane because last night, my ankle gave way and I couldn’t bear weight on it. It really freaked me out. I wrote a long post to my various support groups. The only one that was helpful was my CRPS. The others had no clue about CRPS and just thought I twisted my ankle. I didn’t respond to their “helpful hints” as it just made me mad. One person was practically yelling at me to do what she wanted me to do. I wanted to respond back but I didn’t. It took huge restraint on my part.

I brought the coffee up to my room and then tried to write a suicide blog that I had started last night. I couldn’t finish it because the pain got too bad. I had sent the rough draft to a friend to read and he liked it as it was. I added a few things he suggested. Then I published it. It didn’t take me too long so I then fiddled on Twitter. There is a Mental Health Chat going on right now about pain. I’m trying to stay away from it because it can be interpreted so differently. No one’s pain is the same, even if they have gone through the same events at the same time or even the same ordeal. I’m in enough pain today that I just can’t deal with stupid people not understanding what chronic pain is like. I happened to look at one tweet and this idiot was like “you need more ‘wellness solution’ to your problem”. Yeah, because I can cure my injured nerves, no thanks asshole.

Because my pain got worse when I was trying to nap, I also got panicky. I took some Ativan and another strong pain pill. This pain doesn’t want to quit today. The weather is terrible. Rain, humidity, drop in temps, thunderstorms. Ugh. It’s an awful weather day and it’s only going to get worse as these horrific hurricanes come closer to the US coast. I hope my friends and family down in Florida don’t get too much damage and stay safe.

I told my mother I wanted hot dogs for supper and she said fine, make them. So when I get hungry later, I will have my Fenway Franks. Those are my favorite brand of hot dogs. I bought hot dog rolls as I like them better than using bread.

I’m going to try and stay home again tomorrow. I see my psych on Friday afternoon. It’s a late appt. I probably won’t be home till around 5 ish that day. I had emailed her last night when I was freaking out about my ankle but she didn’t reply. I wish there was a way to break the cycle of pain. I’m getting sleepy from the Ativan. I want a snack before trying to take a nap again. But I really should have dinner before I have a snack.