Tag: psychache

Guilt trip

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Since putting the suicidal plan off the table, I’ve been feeling like I’ve let myself down, almost to the point of feeling ashamed of myself for doing so. I don’t know why I feel this way. But it sucks. I can always put it back on the table and the past few hours I have been thinking about it. What would it belike to hang myself somewhere? I would kill myself in my car but I don’t want to be found my family members. I wish the car was useful and could take me to a rest spot some place away so I could die. Yes I might have placed the ultimate date of killing myself off the table but the thoughts of killing myself are still rampant.

I’m supposed to go out with friends tonight but I really don’t feel like it. We will be going to Olive Garden, a place I like but I just don’t have the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend all is right with the world. I ended up going and it was worse than I imagined. I feel like I have been scarred for life. While going to the women’s bathroom I was suddenly aware of my misplacement. I felt like a girl as I was in there with girl underwear. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I hate myself more than I ever have right now. SO much for this being a good evening.

It was raining earlier while I was writing this and I talked about wanting to go to the Chinese restaurant across the street from Starbucks. They usually have a lunch buffet but they didn’t today for some reason. Maybe I was too early. I had McDonald’s instead.

I should have brought my laptop today so I would have typed this up while thinking about rather than dictating it as I am now. But then I probably would just go on Facebook and play my games and be distracted too much to write anything. I am not hooked on Candy Crush.

Getting back to guilt it’s depressing me. I feel lost, like I should have known better than to give up MY hopes of ending my suffering. I don’t know why I put a stop to my plans. Guilt always seems to work. It works to stop me and it works to make me feel bad that I don’t give in to my impulses. I don’t know what stopped me this time. My therapist didn’t have much to do with it as I usually defy her anyways. I guess I felt that my friend JD non response to my message to him and me feeling non-suicidal all of two weeks caused the shift. Now I am feeling depressed and don’t feel like I have a way out. I’m trapped again in the land of the living. I so wish I could wish my life away. Give my life to a patient dying of cancer and have them go on while I die or something. I don’t feel despairing. Just feel anguish that I can’t quelch.

I feel so lost, like something is missing. It has been months that I have been planning on taking my life and now that it’s no longer in the works, I feel lost, dejected, defeated. I didn’t go through with the act. So I feel a sense of longing. Like if I have to go through with it and I do die, I will accept my fate. But if I don’t die, then I will also accept my fate and not try again. I just wish I did go through with it. It’s a longing like I have never experienced before. It’s like I am not good enough to die or something. I know that sounds silly. How can I be too good to die? Maybe it should be that I am not bad enough to kill myself. I’ve planned my death numerous times over the years. I have never gone through with any of them. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. Do I live or do I die.

I guess I will never know. I just continue to live in this misery called life. And I don’t like it.

Enduring

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I can’t sleep. I have so much on my mind. My thoughts are racing and the voices have come out, like they do every night. Having conversations with them have been difficult. I can still block them out but it’s getting harder and harder the more tired I become.

After thinking seriously about things, I have decided that ending my life right now would not be the best thing. I just can’t put my needs and wants ahead of everybody. I can’t be selfish for once in my life. Not that taking your life is selfish. But I always think of others before I put my needs first. It is something that was drilled into me while I was growing up. My father always said that you can’t think of yourself at all. So I started thinking about what other people wanted and never thought of myself. As much as I want to do this I just can’t. My therapist would be devastated as would probably my psychiatrist. I don’t know if I can keep this decision. As right now I am thinking of it only because I am feeling no pain. I have not had pain in three weeks. I have not been horrendous pain. I haven’t even so much as have nerve pain, which is kind of weirding me out. I have not been pain free in over two years.

If things continue to be good, I will let my therapist know at next session. I don’t want to text her as she might not believe me. I don’t even know if I believe myself. I don’t feel let down by this decision. But I still think about suicide even though I might not feel pain. I often wonder what it will be like if I am dead. Those thoughts have been with me since I first thought about killing myself when I was eight years old.

I know I am probably hormonal right now and maybe things have leveled off since I have my menses but I do feel better. Even though right now I feel kind of depressed it is a manageable depression. I am not happy that I am depressed, well maybe a little. It is better than the ups that I have been feeling. Those were scary for me because that was uncharted territory. So my unsuicide has happened. I just hope that when my date rolls around it is just another day and I don’t feel a sense of defeat.

Four Buses to Perform my Civic Duty

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to take four buses today to vote for the Mass Senate election today. It would have been five had my cousin not dropped me off at Starbucks first. And it is hot and muggy out. I thought I was going to fry while waiting for my third bus.

UGH, Just got a text from my baseball network tweets that my favorite infielder is going to AAA and another infielder that I never heard of is taking his place. Took me I don’t know how many scrolls to figure out that this guy was an infielder because in the tweet that I got, it also listed the backup catcher on the 60-day disabled list. I wasn’t sure if we got another catcher or infielder. Wish they would be more clear but I understand that you have only so many letters to tweet.

I have a week off of therapy. I am glad as yesterday’s session annoyed me. She was the inquisitor asking me fifty million questions ranging from how I am doing to how I was feeling to when my next appointment was with my primary. I felt like I was getting drilled. And then we talked more about my suicidal plan. Today she wanted to know what I wanted to talk about but I had no clue. We tried to keep it light but it ended up going over to the dark side for a bit. She still insists that I cannot kill myself in the month of August and September. And I am like, the other months are ok? Killing myself in December would be ok? I just don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if I really want to kill myself. I haven’t been in intense pain for the past couple of weeks. We also talked about pain, but she kept referring to psychache and I was talking about my physical. Talk about being on opposite sides. On the other hand I could just kill myself because I can. I am just so torn. If I continue to live, would it be okay for me to do so? I know that might be a silly question, but given on hell bent I am/was on killing myself, wouldn’t I go against my own personal principles? Not like there is a law that says I have to. No one can really order me to kill myself (other than perhaps the voices in my head, which they have done before). Only I can make or break that decision. I guess since I have been feeling a little bit better, the land of the living seems ok, for now. But I also brought up the point that if I am in the throws of a flare up, I would be wishing for death and then feel a betrayal to myself for not following through.

In the midst of this, I have been reading Lincoln’s Melancholy. Lincoln has to be the my most favorite person in the world. I know he lived more than 160 yrs before I was born, before the time of even recognizing mental illness for what it is now. He suffered through I don’t know how many major depressive episodes and somehow got through them without killing himself. He once said during his first presidency, that he would have killed himself but what kind of message would that bring to the southern states? I have always admired him. He is the true staple of what resiliency is.

During our discussion in therapy, I brought up my scars on my wrist. My therapist said that I would get through this time like I have in the past, like my scars tell me. She kept on telling me that was what I wrote. At first I had no idea what she was talking about until I figured out it was this blog she was referring to. I forgot that I sent it to her. My mind is like a sieve. Soon as things filter their way through, I forget I did them. I probably won’t remember half of what I am writing here today. I guess it is a way for my head to get rid of what I am feeling in that moment.

I am eight hundred views shy of reaching ten thousand views. If I reach it before July 18th, that will be awesome. That is the start of my blog. Hard to believe my blog will be a year old. I just got five new followers within the last twenty-four hours. I surpassed two hundred. I would call my blog successful, I guess. But then I don’t know how my blog fairs with say the new AAS blog. I am sure they have more readers than I do, but I do get some filtering in when I post there or when someone reads the “who we are” page. I have fun writing for them.

End of Story

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

I had a difficult day, though I slept through most of the day. I still have bad cramps and after taking a shower tonight, my leg is not acting up. I thought I was done with the pain and dreams of going back to work were filling in my head. But I guess I stood too long in the three song shower. Literally it takes me three songs to take and be done with a shower, four if one of the songs are short. I brushed my teeth.

It has been a hot week so I have taken a shower nearly every day. But today I guess my foot had enough. I just took pain meds. There isn’t a baseball game on tonight so I won’t be up late.

I am thinking about calling my cousin Paul but I don’t know if I want to talk. I kind of am discouraged and feeling really bad with the menses and the cramps are really getting to me. I still can’t believe that I got my menses. I really thought the patch was going to work. I will try again after. I only have about a month and half to live so I don’t see the point in making an appointment with my endo doc.

Been feeling down since last night. I think the good mood that I was in evaporated with the heat. I have been trying to feel good today but it has been such an effort. I got my hair cut from my cousin but he didn’t cut it short enough for me. I might go to the barbers on Wednesday like I was planning. I don’t know. I know a good hair SHORT haircut always makes me feel good.

I had therapy this morning. I don’t remember much except that I fibbed. I told my therapist that my plan was off but she didn’t believe me. I just couldn’t take talking about it with her anymore. She kept on asking stupid questions. She wants me to see a consultant. What am I going to say to him, really? I am going to kill myself and there is nothing you can do, have a nice day? Why bother involving him? Doesn’t make sense to me. Not like he is going to help me. He doesn’t have anything useful that I could use. I would have found it by now. I am tired of being in pain. END OF STORY. And by the end means taking my life, so be it. I am kind of scared though. I never have meant it like I mean it now. I just want relief. I want to be pain free. I don’t want to be stuck taking pain pills for the rest of my life. Funny how I am comfortable taking my psych meds though. I know I need those for my well being, not that they work the greatest. It is just enough to keep me out of the hospital. But I still get psychache at points in my life and it brings me down. I want reprieve. I don’t think I am asking too much. I know a lot of people suffer every day, but I am now one of those people and I can’t bear it anymore.