Today was a rough day. I had an annoying appt with my therapist. I wish I hung up on her (we have phone sessions because it is too far for me to see her as I do not have a car). I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts but she was not having any part of it.
I am in a seriously depressed mood. I started talking about my plans and how I am going to cancel my Tuesday appt because I just don’t feel like talking and she schedules me for a Monday session. I don’t want to fucking talk. I just want to be left alone you idiot but she didn’t get the message.
We talked about how to tell my mother about me being Mike. I am scared. Maybe I don’t have to tell her. There is no time limit that says I have to tell her now. Let me get comfortable with being Mike before I go telling my family. That is how I came out. I came out to my friends before I came out to my family. So far my friends have been more than supportive. My former coworkers are happy for me. Why am I not happy? Why am I feeling so down all I want to do is kill myself?
After therapy and the ensuing fight of getting another session in, I fell asleep. It was cold in my room and I was exhausted from getting up early to see my psychiatrist earlier this morning. Besides it was really cold out so it’s not like I could take a walk anywhere. I can’t walk too far anyways. Damn ankle prevents that from happening. Though my ankle has been behaving the past few days. Until now. Now it is aching and throbbing. I hear the temp is going down to 8 degrees tomorrow, which is a good 20 degrees lower than it is now. Just wonderful that I am a human barometer. I hate that the change in temp causes me pain. I used to love the winter because I love the cold. Now the cold hurts so I don’t love it as much. I just popped 3 baby aspirin because I couldn’t find my advil gelcaps. My left calf is sore and with all the laying around that I have been doing I am scared I might get a DVT, a deep venous thrombosis, a very bad blood clot. But I am trying not to worry because it might be the ticket out this world and keep me from having to kill myself. It takes a lot of planning and energy to kill yourself. I just am too exhausted to try again. Though I still have my plans of throwing myself off my back porch with a rope around my neck. Chances are though I will make a terrible knot and fall to the ground. That will be embarrassing…
Listening to number 8 on my playlist, Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift. Her music always seems to lift me up. Her and Mary Chapin Carpenter are my favorite female artists that I listen to when I am down and out. Right now I have my MP3 player on party shuffle as part of the writing challenge that I am doing. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one because it talks about family. I think I will just make it short and sweet and be done with it.
Tag: psychological pain
Ramblings 20
I am tired. So very tired and don’t know why. I didn’t sleep last night. I didn’t go to bed till six in the morning because my brain just would not shut off.
I kept on thinking about my TG issues. I finally came out to my group to call me Mike. I also changed my name on Facebook to call me Mike. So far everyone has been so supportive I am almost tempted to try my real family and see if I still get the support but I am very afraid to. I am so afraid of rejection that I know it will send me to a tailspin suicidal crisis. I don’t think anyone understands the pain that I am feeling. Maybe that is what is making me exhausted. I could take my meds now and fall asleep. Another day will rise and maybe this would all be a dream.
I am cold. I still have this bloody cold and cough for the past week. I hate being sick.
I also been thinking about what I wrote last night about Shneidman. Maybe he wouldn’t be rolling over in his grave because there would be less man hours going over hundreds of notes. The hard part of this study is that all of them have to be inputted by hand into computer. Now that is a lot of man hours!! But if it helps the greater good so be it.
I was talking with a fellow blogger who was suicidal and he/she wanted help yet when they got it, rejected it, saying that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I got really mad. Telling me I don’t know what depression is like is telling me I don’t know how to breathe. This dude has some serious issues. SO I walked away. Obviously he didn’t want to be helped and so be it if he wanted to kill himself there was no way I could stop him. I was trying to be there for him and he was rejecting my help so fuck him. Let him stay in his own miserable world, thinking he is the ONLY person that feels pain. I never seen such a case of stupidity but then again I am new to this blogging thing. I can’t help everyone I guess.
a four letter word
Been having on and off bouts of depression and self worthlessness today. I don’t know why I feel like crap. I realized it’s been a week since I have taken my day time med. I have been suffering from a cold all week and am just starting to feel better except for this cough that won’t go away despite me taking loads of vitamin D. I am convinced that increased vit D will tail off a viral infection such as a cold. When I get better I will go back to taking it every day.
My therapist and pdoc are on vacation at the same time. It’s been a rough week you could say. I keep thinking about why am i alive. According to what I read, I should be dead 10 years ago yet I have not made a single attempt on my life in that span of time, well with the minor exception of a month ago when I was in severe physical pain. I don’t feel like I should live. I just want to scream and I don’t know why I am so frustrated. But I am. I want to be dead and yet these people who don’t even know me want me to live, for me to talk of my struggles like it was some kind of game. I feel exploited and some of that is my fault for having this blog and trying to reach other people who feel the same way. I just feel so burdened with this. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere but in the misfit group.
Tonight my writing partner sent me a link on her study that she is working on. She is almost done with it, just a few more pages to go for analysis and she is done. The work is interesting and the fact that a computer can distinguish between non suicidal and suicidal individuals is impressive. Shneidman would be proud, though given his proclivity to new age technology, he might be daunted. He spent his life going over suicide notes and now a computer can tell him what he always wanted to know. I find this depressing. I wonder if the computer could tell me if I am suicidal.
There has been a lot of studies of analyzing handwriting to find out if someone is suicidal. The key in my mind is a four letter word, only. That word to me is whether the person is truly suicidal or not. As in, it is my only option. I wonder if I were to talk to Dr. Shneidman today what he would say. But I have missed my chance. I am a low life that is trying for affiliation and failing at it.
Feeling low and insecure, really am feeling like I could slash my wrist. I hate being stuck in this body. Trigger tonight was people calling me by my birth name. I couldn’t stand it. I want to cut so bad. I hate myself. I want to stab myself over and over to get the badness out of me. I hate feeling like this, like a damn freak.
Shneidman’s work has been replaced by computers. He must be rolling over in his grave the poor man. And I feel disconnected, like I’m somebody but I am not. I hate feeling like a loser. I hate it when Bozo is on vacation. I never needed her more and I can’t even put into words what I am feeling. I’m just imagining myself wit stab wounds in the kitchen because I’m so pissed at myself. There was an article from 1978, 34 yrs ago about suicide attempts and FTM. 34 years and nothing since then. Maybe I am past my prime. I know my fucking period is what is throwing me off balance as much as I have been trying to ignore it for the past week but I just can’t anymore because I am bleeding a little heavier every day. I know that if I see someone I will most likely have to do the female exam and that will just torture my soul. I just took two vicoden because my foot is in danger of being hacked into. Funny how the narcotics can help with the physical pain but not the psychological. I hate my life. I hate living this way.
why the stigma in preventing suicide?
People always scramble when there is lightening but not for suicide prevention. Lightening takes less lives each year than suicide does. I think people don’t scramble because there still is this stigma that it won’t happen. People don’t want to acknowledge that suicide exists and if it doesn’t exist, why prevent it? The stigma is that you run into the old “every man has a choice”. People believe that suicidal people are just going to do it anyway so why bother preventing the inevitable. It happens to those that see it in the ER. Most people cannot fathom why someone would want to take their own life. They think life is so grand that nobody would want to take it. They believe in this bubble that if it doesn’t happen to me, it doesn’t happen at all. I have a cousin who thinks this way. She thinks that if she doesn’t pay attention to the bad stuff, maybe it won’t happen as often. She just wants to be happy all the time. There is nothing wrong with that but not acknowledging serious mental illness is a problem. They have to believe that there is always good things in their world for their sanity. Thomas Joiner, a psychologist that deals with suicidality believes that most suicide prevention would cost less if people actually believed it exists. In his book why people die by suicide, he proposes the risk of a bicyclist getting hit by a car over the prevention barrier of the SF bridge. More people die by suicide (30 per year) than someone dying by getting hit while riding a bicycle.
I think I understand why people are afraid. They still have it in their mind that suicide should not be talked about. If it is talked about then it is real. And if it is real, then something should be done to prevent it. Unfortunately, not enough people think that suicide is real despite it climbing and it being in the top 10th percentile in the U.S.
midnightdemons7 
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