Tag: psychological pain

the thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The thing

I am up past my “magic” hour because my thing aka my ankle/foot is causing me severe pain. I have taken all the meds I could possibly take and have just put on some lidocaine. I’m waiting for it to dry so I can possibly go to sleep.

I emailed my psych because I can’t sleep. It seems if I am up past 0200, I don’t go to sleep until the hours between 0400-0600. It’s a guessing game. I took an Ativan but I am so overtired, I don’t think it is going to calm me down enough to sleep. I really think I need a sleeping pill on nights like these, but I am afraid to take it because of the sleep walking or other strange things that people experience while taking it.

I am not expecting my psych to respond to my email, but she might. I was going to make a sauce today but I don’t think it is likely as I will want to sleep. I have therapy at 1600. As long as I can make it out of the house by 1400, I should be okay. Then I can have my espresso at Starbucks, which I hope will keep me up for a little bit. I think I might fry the ground beef and then refrigerate it until I make the sauce so the meat doesn’t go bad.

I am so tired but my damn thing is being a fucking bastard. I have decided to call it thing because different parts of my foot/ankle will hurt so it’s just easier calling it thing. I’m tired of having to differentiate what hurts and what doesn’t. The pain likes to hop around and go up and down and all around. It’s so infuriating. My physical pain was taken cared of by my pain meds and then it changed to nerve pain which isn’t taken cared of by my pain meds. I have to take Neurontin and that works whenever it decides to work. UGH. So in the meantime, I am suffering and can’t fucking sleep.

My toes are now part of the thing. The last three always fucking hurts and it’s like I am stubbing all three at once. It’s so painful. I guess I am not going to make any phone calls today. I will be too sleep deprived to make them. I wish I could move my therapy appt to another time but it’s too late to change it. I have 24 hours before the time to move and/or cancel it and it’s less than that time. I really don’t want to keep going to therapy. I just think it is a waste of time. I am fine handling things on my own. I have for a very long time.

I am getting hungry but I don’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I don’t think standing on my foot will help the pain any and I really don’t want it get worse. I won’t sleep until later and that won’t be good. It’s supposed to rain off and on all the day and tomorrow it’s supposed to rain all day. I have a dinner date with a friend of mine tomorrow night. We are going to my favorite restaurant for Thai food. I can’t wait. I haven’t had Pad Thai in a long time. It should be a good night out, despite the wet weather.

Did I mention I have songs shuffling in my head? It keeps jumping from one song to another and back again. It is driving me crazy. There is nothing I can take to stop the music playing unless I actually turn on my MP3 player but it’s too late for music and might keep me up rather than help me sleep.

I really need to call the dentist to reschedule my appointment. They had called me a few weeks ago saying that the dentist is no longer seeing patients on Tuesdays. Apparently he moved his schedule to Thursdays and Fridays, I think the message said. It’s fine with me, but I just need to call to make the appointment, which I have been procrastinating about. I hate going to the dentist. I hate the scraping of my teeth. I used to like it when I was a kid but now that I am an adult, it bothers me. I do have a cavity that needs to be filled, which further makes me want to postpone the appointment. I know that isn’t good because it could get bigger and cause me more problems, which is why I try and brush my teeth every day even if I don’t feel like it.

I need to lie down. Maybe if I do lie down, I will fall asleep. My back is starting to hurt from sitting the past several hours. I will write more later.

burrito fix satisfied

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Burrito fix satisfied

It was cool in the house, so I thought it would be the same outside. I wore my new Sox hoodie and I was sweating by the time I reached the bus stop. My cousin saw me and gave me a ride. While we were talking, I told him I was trans. He accepted it better than I thought he would, though I don’t think he really got it. He just thought, I think, that I meant I was gay. I told him I was going to transition to being a male. He seemed ok with the idea, much to my relief. I told him that my mother just pushed me over the edge and I had enough of not being who I really am.

I got my burrito at Chipotle and took it to Starbucks where I had a iced tea Lemonade. I didn’t want more caffeine because I just had coffee. The burrito was good. And then I wrote in my journal for a bit. I wanted to go to the butcher shop to get some ground beef. My mother wanted me to check the price of the chicken wings and fish. The fish was too expensive and the chicken was too fatty. I’ll get them at Stop and Shop.

I’m feeling really good that I came out to my cousin and him accepting me. I wish my mother could. My foot acted up on the bus ride home and got worse when I got up to my room. I’m going to rest and then try to take a shower. I think that will help my mood a little bit. I really want to change my sheets so they don’t keep coming undone but I am too tired and I really don’t want my back to hurt. I’ll do it sometime next week.

Another hit to the chronic pain community. I just read an article that stated addiction treatment centers do not routinely test for drugs because of various reasons, mostly due to the “cost”, yet it’s perfectly acceptable to test a chronic pain patient at random or routinely. This really pissed me off because I am one of many chronic pain patients that get tested, even though I do take my meds the way I am supposed to. I don’t use more, I don’t sell or give away my meds, I adhere to the policy in the contract that I signed because I need these meds to function and want to have some kind of life outside the four walls of my room. I am so sick of pain patients going through this rigmarole because addicts have taken over the truthfulness of true chronic patients. It just saddens me.

I’m going to have some ice cream. I have been thinking about it since leaving the Square. Until later…

when you want a burrito but GrubHub is too expensive…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

When you want a burrito but GrubHub is too expensive

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I got up around noon. I made coffee afterwards and had a butterbeer cookie that I made. It was good but now my tastes are turning towards Mexican and I want a burrito. Unfortunately, GrubHub was too expensive and I wasn’t sure what kind of meat “Muchaka” is. I wasn’t going to pay $30 for two items when I can get more than that at Chipotle. So in an hour, I will go to the Square to get my burrito fix.

It’s kind of good that I will be going to the Square because I can get some ground beef to make my dirty gravy on Monday. I would make it tomorrow but I am going to my Aunt’s house and I just don’t have time. My mother just made a gravy but she froze most of it. I really would love to have penne pasta with my sauce.

I’ll probably got to Starbucks to write after I eat. I still haven’t showered and I really don’t want to. I just feel really blah and my foot/ankle is a mess. It’s really bothering me so I know that standing is going to be painful. It most likely will exhaust me so I will try and take it tonight so it might help me sleep. I had a shitty sleep last night, waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

This month is Pride month and I so want to tell my mother I am trans. Monday I plan on talking to my therapist about going forward with transition. I am just afraid my mother will flip out and kick me out of the house. I know that is my fear and there is a 45% chance she would. I am just afraid it will further strain our relationship. I am just tired of being called “her” and “miss” or “missy”. It just hurts and drives my suicidal drivers.

More later…

bad physical pain day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad physical pain day

I did way too much yesterday and the day before. I tried resting but my damn allergies kept me up. I did take a nap, eventually. My Achilles is really painful. After I had supper, I iced it. It helped to numb it so I could bear weight on it. I am completely miserable today.

Last night I went off on my psychiatrist. I told her I didn’t want to see any doctor including her. I am tired of seeing them. She responded today asking if I was serious. I told her I was just frustrated at not being heard and being dismissed all the time with my concerns. I told her I would see her tomorrow for our scheduled appointment but to have tissues ready. I have been crying a lot lately because of pain and because I am just so upset at the medical profession. Why did people chose this profession if they are not going to be helpful?

It’s hot and humid so I just turned on the AC so I could freeze my ass off. I hope it helps the allergies as I have been stuffed up and coughing most of the day. I thought when I woke up this morning, I was getting a cold. It cleared up after I used my Flonase. I am just miserable and I have been taking my pain meds but it’s not helping my Achilles at all. I feel so upset with this. I bought another $25 worth of pens last night as retail therapy. I bought a 12 pack and a single pen that I like. I want this one to be in my carryon bag that I take with me when I go out.

I took 900 mg of Neurontin after my mother rudely woke me from a sound sleep to find out where my childhood friend now lives. I was so annoyed. She knows I have been in a lot of pain yesterday. I had a hard time sleeping despite taking my night meds early. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so tired. I didn’t fall asleep till around midnight, six hours after I took my meds. I had to take another Ativan to calm down. The Neurontin is helping with the burning pain, even though it’s making my waistline bigger. I weighed myself yesterday and found I had gained 10 pounds in a week. This med just adds weight, even if you don’t eat more than you usually do. Then when you stop it, you lose the weight, or some of it anyway. I hate it but it works so I can’t do anything about it.

I’m feeling really depressed and at times I just want to kill myself because I feel so worthless. If I can’t walk, what is the point of living? I just want to go to my spot and end it. I might this weekend if my pain lets up. I will tell my psych this. I don’t care. I know I am going to bawl when I see her. I just am so upset at my PCP.

Both ankles are hurting me but my left is hurting me more than my Achilles. The game is on as to which part of my ankle/foot is going to hurt more with my left. My ankle will start hurting and then it will move down to my metatarsal bones. These are the major bones in the foot. My last three always hurt when they flare. I have already taken two strong pain pills to quiet down my Achilles but it didn’t do anything. I am feeling hopeless that nothing is working for my right ankle. My mother saw how swollen it was and saw the lump. I am tempted to just get a sharp knife and cut it out. Maybe then my Achilles will stop hurting me.

I ordered my favorite dinner, pizza and fries. I only ordered half a pizza and I am glad I did because I’m the only one that wanted a second slice. My mother and niece ate the fries and one slice each. I like when there is no left overs because I am the only one that usually eats it.

My Red Sox gear that I ordered finally came. I bought another hat and a hoodie. I know summer is coming but it’s a lightweight hoodie for cool nights. Plus I can use it as the temps keep fluctuating to cold even though it’s fricken June! My left ankle is not happy that I went down and up two flights of stairs. Stupid fucking CRPS!