Tag: psychosis

All I want to do is sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

All I want to do is sleep

I had a very rough night last night. I was so exhausted, I couldn’t sleep. Then this doctor made a tweet that really made me angry. So we exchanged words last night, well after midnight. I was so pissed, I couldn’t calm down. And my foot wasn’t helping because soon as I would relax, it flared up in pain. I had taken a strong pain pill to see if that helped. It did bring the pain down, made me a little high, and was about to knock me out but I just couldn’t relax enough to sleep.

My sister reminded me that I had to babysit and as the hours passed by, I knew I was going to be fucked for the day. I think I finally did fall asleep around 0330 and then woke up about 5 hours later. I checked my phone to see if I needed to go downstairs and there were no messages so I tried to sleep. I did for an hour or so. I then tried calling my niece to see if she was okay and there was no answer. She doesn’t pick up the phone. It is really annoying. So I went downstairs to check on her to find she wasn’t at home. My older niece told me that she had gone to the park. So that left me to do whatever I wanted to do.

I went back up to my room, with the intention of going back to sleep but my stomach was doing flip flops. Then I got hungry. I made a bagel with cream cheese and then went back to my room. I couldn’t sleep. I was wicked exhausted and still am. A couple of hours went by so I decided to make lunch and then try again to sleep. I was successful this go around. Least until my mother called me to help fix dinner. Her sugar dropped so she needed help. We had asparagus and eggs for supper. I would have had the cauliflower but I was so full off the asparagus I couldn’t eat it.

I finally got a response back from my psychiatrist. She wants me to keep her posted. I might page her tomorrow, just to talk. Part of the reason I couldn’t sleep was because the voices were talking to me the whole fucking time. They were keeping me up with their endless chatter. I wanted to take a trilafon last night but I never got the chance. I was so upset over what that doctor had said that it really agitated me. I was going to blog about it and actually started one but never got done because I was so tired.

I texted my therapist to call me or let me know if there was an appointment available. I haven’t heard anything back. It’s really warm today so I didn’t want to go out in the condition I was in. It would have made me more tired. I am going to take my meds early tonight and hope I sleep until tomorrow morning, like at least after 0400! Pain is still there but it’s getting better. I hope it doesn’t flare up again. My suicidality has increased over the pain the last three days. It wouldn’t be good to have a fourth night of pain.

Severe pain continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Severe pain continues

I finally was able to sleep around 0230 or so. All the meds I was taking finally knocked me out so I could sleep. I shut my phone off so I wouldn’t be disturbed. I woke up around 1100, which was good. But the pain was still there and now my upper ankle is hurting me like I have been standing on it all night. I know that this pain is nerve pain because it’s more of a throbbing pain like the rest of my ankle and foot.

I needed coffee when I woke up so I made it. I brewed Pike’s coffee, a Starbucks blend. It is strong coffee but not the acid burning kind. I find that it is stronger than the Brazil coffee that I have. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t make anything. I planned on making hot dogs, which I just had. They were yummy. I bought Fenway Franks which are the best dogs on the planet, to me anyway. I then had a piece of pumpkin pie. I am so full. I think I will have supper later tonight, if I get hungry. I still have the ribs from yesterday to finish off. I plan on making biscuits sometime today but it depends on how my foot is feeling. Taking a shower and making lunch really brought back the pain so I am going to rest for the next few hours.

Sox game is starting. I was going to listen to it but my favorite pitcher is pitching and he has been sucking big time lately. I really think he still has potential to be a great pitcher. I just think something mentally is going on. Maybe the pressure of being in Boston is getting to him. His first outing he pitched a no hitter and he hasn’t pitched well since. So every time he is on the mound people are expecting him to pitch well. Only reason I am not listening to it is that it is painful to hear him pitch badly. Much worse to watch.

I am glad I was able to shower. I feel better, a little bit than I did last night. I emailed my psychiatrist twice last night. I sent her my blog and then a few hours later, I sent her an email exactly telling her what was on my mind. It wasn’t good. Between the voices creeping up and the severe pain, I am suicidal, again. The voices aren’t telling me to harm myself. But they are just encroaching on my space. They want to know everything that I am doing, all the time and why I am doing it. If I pick this coffee over that one, they want to know why. If I take a pill, they want to know why I don’t take two instead. It’s exhausting. I wrote a lot last night. I had started writing at 0130 that day so around 2340 I continued where I left off. I think I wrote until it was well after 0100. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I still fear a hospitalization is coming. I just don’t want to go back because I don’t want to be doped on meds. I can still function, well, as a psychotic person can. I am used to it. I am not scared except when I am paranoid. But that is mostly when I am out and about. It’s really hot today so I am just staying in my room.

I plan on reading more of “Common Struggle”. It’s a good book and it’s hooking me in because he is at the point where he is realizing he has an alcohol and drug problem. I find it amazing when people recover and do something about their illness. He also has been pushing mental health parity in the US Congress. He really wants brain diseases (mental illness) and addiction to be treated the same way as diabetes and cancer. Unfortunately, there is more stigma to fight because people don’t seek help for fear of not being helped or being told to “tough it out” or think positive thoughts. Most often, people seek help and find there are huge waiting lists to see someone. The same is true everywhere. Sometimes even after a suicide attempt, there isn’t a bed available so they stay in the medical ER until a bed becomes available, only to be released a few days later with the “promise” not to try again. No follow up or after care is given, usually. There just isn’t money to follow up. That is why I think it’s a joke that some places are taking on the “Zero suicide” initiative. That is all well and good until someone falls through the cracks and kills himself or herself.

Saturday Blog 54

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My groceries came a little after the Wales/Northern Ireland game started. I normally don’t watch football as the Europeans call it, but no other sport was on worth watching. I put the ribs on to cook while I put the groceries away. My back almost went out a couple of times because I was standing and walking around the house, putting the various things away. My cheesecake and pumpkin pies came. After everything was away, I had a slice of pumpkin. I wanted to savor the cheesecake after I had the ribs and cole slaw. While watching the game, I saw the horrific goal made by Northern Ireland in their own post! I couldn’t believe it and of course they had to show it a million times at different angles. I feel so bad for NI because they probably would have won in OT or a shootout.

Now that I have had something to eat, I can rest. I don’t plan on going out because it’s hot out. Just cooking in the kitchen made me sweat. I can only wonder how much more I will if I start walking to the bus stop and head to the meat market to get the hamburgers. Looks like that won’t be until Monday. The grocery store substituted another brand of hamburger rolls, which works out good because the rolls are bigger. I got my avocados ready for that burger.

Tomorrow I am invited to my cousin’s for his son’s birthday. I am not going to go, even though they have a pool. It’s going to be really hot tomorrow and I can’t stand being in the sun, let alone being in a pool in the sun. I will stay in my AC’d room and eat the lovely food I bought.

I have been in a sad mood most of the day. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my father’s passing. I still haven’t cried for him. I do miss him. It is very weird not having him around. I don’t know if you get used to it. I do miss his sister, who we still have not seen because her illness has prevented us from seeing her. She gets confused very easily now these days and I am thinking the Parkinson’s is getting worse as time goes on. She will be 93 in November.

Last night, I decided to sign up for yet another email address. This one is on my contact page for those that want to contact me there. It’s Collerone at yahoo dot com. I miss having a yahoo account. I used to have one that I used regularly but it’s been compromised so many times that I had to deactivate it. Plus, I kept forgetting the password so good riddance. I thought of getting a gmail but I don’t really like it. I have to have one for my phone but that is all I use it for. Every so often I will check the mail and it’s mostly MLB stuff or LinkedIn, neither of which are important to me.

I really wasn’t expecting to get wiped out putting the groceries away. I could take a nap right now. I had really wanted to go out but now it doesn’t look to be the case. I still need to take a shower. My luck I will take one and then need another one because it’s so damn hot. Maybe I will take one before bedtime so it will relax me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I was fighting taking a nap around 1730/1800. Then around 1930, I got my second wind. I was up most of the night. I think I didn’t fall asleep till after or around midnight. I slept till 0930, which was good. I think having all those ribs made me sleepy. I ate like half a rack. They were so good! I now know to get baby back ribs rather than the St. Louis style. I like them better.

Last night I read some of Harry Potter and some of Dostoevsky. I would have read some of Common Struggle but I didn’t feel like it. I will read some of it today. I really need to get into a reading groove of some sort. Baseball isn’t on until around 2130, which is close to my projected bedtime. Sucks they are in Texas. They had a HUGE comeback win last night. I am so proud of them.

Paranoia continues once more

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Paranoia continues once more

My cousin saw me at the bus stop so gave me a ride to the Square. I wasn’t up for going because I was so tired but I wanted my hair cut. I woke up too late for my regular barber. Things were a little creepy. The music I was listening to sounded louder than it usually is and it felt like it was sending me messages but I couldn’t interpret them. I went to Starbucks for a frappe as I already made coffee at home. After I had my haircut, I waited at the bus stop to go home. I started feeling paranoid then, like everyone was watching me. I put on the music again to distract myself. I kept on hearing all of David Nail’s songs plus one song of Randy Houser. There weren’t that many songs so it repeated fairly quickly. The distraction wasn’t working. There was a guy that kept talking to himself with a radio set. He was freaking me out. The bus was of course late. It was a long way home.

I started walking home and the paranoia increased as well as the voices. I decided to take a trilafon when I got home. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I haven’t been sleeping during normal hours. I usually fall asleep between 0400-0500 or later. But once I get to sleep, I sleep for a few hours, as long as no one wakes me up. I had a few hours of good sleep this morning before my mother woke me up around 0930. I had to watch my niece for an hour before her grandmother came to pick her up. By the time she came, it was too late for me to see my regular barber. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I made some coffee. I didn’t drink all of it. I had about ten ounces. I was hoping it would give me a bowel movement as I haven’t gone in two days but no such luck. I’ll just take some fiber pills tonight.

I got my new bag and used it today when I went out. Because my cousin picked me up, it kind of messed up my plans. I had planned on going to the barber first then to Starbucks. I went the reverse. I got too antsy at Starbucks and didn’t take my laptop out even though I brought it with me. I could barely write in my journal, I was so distracted. I figured I had better go to the barber before I changed my mind and I did. I got a nice buzz cut. I think it’s shorter than my previous haircut. My mother hasn’t seen it yet because I have been wearing my hat. She is not going to like it and that makes me happy, for some reason. I guess it’s defiance as she told me not to get it cut like this again. My head, my hair so I will do what I want with it.

I checked my student loan status today and it is once again under review. They did change the status date to April so that is an improvement. I am still waiting for a letter of some kind. I hate being in the dark.

I placed my huge grocery order today. I have no idea what the hell I bought but it’s slightly over $150. I just know I ordered ribs, cole slaw and my powerade. And oreos and cheesecake. The rest is just food that is not junk like steak and hot dogs. I have been craving a hot dog with hot dog relish on a bun. So that is what I got. My mother will usually buy hot dogs but not the buns. We usually use wheat bread for a bun. It’s okay but I like the bun better. It’s more filling to me. Now I just got to go to the meat market to get hamburgers. I bought some more avocados to make a good cheeseburger with my honey Dijon mustard. I was hoping to get it today but I didn’t want to miss the bus. I might go tomorrow, if I time the bus schedule right.

As I made a decision to go home, I wanted to get the sandwich I bought yesterday at Au Bon Pain. I couldn’t believe they were out of sliced bread! What kind of bakery place runs out of bread?? I was so disappointed. I am glad my mother made cod fish for dinner. It was good. She also made a potato salad with vinegar. I love that kind of potato salad, but then, I like vinegar more than mayo. It’s healthier.

I wish I brought my cane with me today. My ankle was and is really bad. The sidewalk I was walking on was uneven and that made my ankle hurt more. I hear the city is going to replace the brick with asphalt. I say yes, to some areas, especially the area I was walking on as it was so uneven. You could easily twist your ankle. I had to keep my eyesight on the ground instead of looking up because of my proprioception is so bad. It would take nothing for me to trip. That just caused the paranoia to get worse because I was fearful of the people around me as I was walking. I could swear they were making fun of me as I was walking by them. The voices were telling me this all through the walk back to the bus stop. I was never so fearful in my life.