Tag: psychosis

Post 1800

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1800

I just woke up from a three hour nap. It wasn’t planned but I was just so tired. Now it’s close to midnight and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I keep thinking about the ex that wrote to me. There was no return address so I have no idea where she is living. The post mark is Boston but that doesn’t mean anything. The Boston zip code was cut off so I don’t know what part of Boston she mailed the card. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more complicated, she shows up in my life. I hope I don’t hear from her again.

My psych called me back. She thinks I have a low level psychosis going on. She isn’t too worried about it. She think it will pass with time. I forgot to tell her I need a refill of trilafon. She doesn’t want me to take more than 4 mg/day. That is fine. I really don’t think I will need to take more unless I am really in a bad spot. But I will call her first. I took my meds early tonight, which is why I was so sleepy. I wanted to take the abilify so I could get some relief from the voices. I told my psych that it’s like static in my brain right now, like they are just mumbling and I can’t make out what they are saying. She says to try and listen to music and take the trilafon. Also to page her if things get worse. I see her on Friday. She was appreciative of me calling her. I only call her when I need to, outside our scheduled appointments. She is good about it. She knows I am having a hard time with the loss of my father.

My psych thinks that things are harder for me because I essentially have mental illness. It would be difficult for anyone losing a parent but with me, it’s harder because I have the depression and psychosis. She thinks it will pass with time. I hope it’s fast because I don’t like being psychotic. It scares me, especially when the voices want me to take more medication than I need to. Like tonight I had to take some Neurontin. I took two pills and the voices were like “take 4”. I didn’t need four pills. I am not in that much pain. I just needed at least 600 mg (2 300 mg capsules). I always feel like every decision I make needs to be “cleared” by the voices before I take action. It’s so annoying. Usually I ignore it but lately that has been very difficult. They are just harping on me left and right.

Saturday Blog 53

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 53

I got a sympathy card today. What is odd is that it’s from my ex that I haven’t spoken to in more than ten years. I have no idea how she got my addressed or changed my name as it was addressed to my current name. If she is reading this blog, that would explain some things but not all. Just creepy if she is keeping tabs on me after all this time.

I made coffee today. I was trying to enjoy it by reading my Dostoevsky book but my mother needed me to clean the bathroom drain. Yea, that was fun. I nearly gagged when I seen what was under the strainer. It was pretty gross. Of course, I have no idea when the last time it was cleaned. Probably never. The hard part was putting the damn screws back in the drain cover. Things wouldn’t go in flush like they did before. I didn’t want to strip the screw so I just left it as is. My brother in law can sort it out. My leg nearly gave way from crouching down. Then when I got in a kneeling position, my calf cramped. I said fuck it and gave up.

I still have my stupid menses. I am hoping tomorrow I can go back to mens underwear because wearing female underwear really irritates me in more ways than one. I just find it very uncomfortable as I am not used to wearing them. I think I would kill myself just for that reason alone.

The voices are still active so I paged my psychiatrist. I wasn’t going to but I got static going on in my brain and I am almost out of trilafon. I have two pills left so I need to ration it. I don’t see her till Friday. I don’t know how long these breakthrough psychotic symptoms are going to be around. I am also feeling agitated for no reason. Maybe the Zoloft is causing some of this but I think it’s more of a reaction to the grief that I am feeling. That coupled with the flashbacks I had earlier this week and I am on a fucking roll. I just hope my psych doesn’t want me to go to the ER. I would be stuck as there are no buses to the Square today or tomorrow and I don’t want to ask my sister for a ride to the hospital. I really don’t want to be hospitalized anyway. The most they are going to do is drug me up so I don’t feel anything. I can do that at home. I just need more trilafon to make it happen. The only down side to this is I won’t be able to read like I was hoping to because trilafon messes with my thinking. It kills ALL the voices including my reading voice. Without this voice, the words in the book are just words without meaning. I might as well just be reading a dictionary or something. It’s hard to explain. There just isn’t a narrative going on that gives me insight into what I am reading. I can read the words but they are just words on a page. It is boring and dull without the voice reading to me. It’s been that way all my life having this voice. It is male even if the author of the book is female, though come to think of it, I mostly read male authors so that might be why.

If my psych calls me, I will tell her I need a refill of the trilafon. I know she doesn’t want me to take it with the abilify but I need something with these breakthrough symptoms. I am very careful not to take too much. Hell, the script I have is more than a year old so that should give you some idea on how much I use it. And it was for 30 pills. I have two left. I thought I had more than that but I don’t. I could use the Ativan to calm down the agitation but Ativan wouldn’t help the static going on in my head. I have a shit load of voices talking all at once. It’s like a radio going on in my head at a party where you hear the murmurs of people talking but can’t quite make out what the hell they are saying. It’s hard to think with all the noise. I was listening to my music through headphones and that helped a little bit.

I had lunch with my youngest sister today. She made burgers, raviolis, and fries. It was really good. She cooked the burgers on the grill despite the rain. I love grilled burgers. They just taste so much better than fried. We didn’t talk like I was hoping to because my brother in law was doing paperwork in the kitchen. I just ate, showed her the letter I wrote for the hospice group and left. She said the letter was fine. My other sister thought so too, though she was wondering who I was sending it to. Sometimes she isn’t all there.

I was going to go to Walgreens today but decided not to. My ankles were really hurting me last night and I must have gone up and down the stairs a million times today. I am just going to spend the rest of the time on my laptop keeping track of the Sox game. They were leading 4-0 but the Twins tied the game. Our rookie pitcher gave up the lead. I am not too happy right now.

Did too much and paying for it

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Did too much and paying for it

Nearly every day this week, I have made a trip to Starbucks. And practically every night, I have been paying for it. I usually go every other day because I need a rest day in between. But I didn’t take a rest day because I felt “okay”. Now it’s the end of the week and I am hurting really bad. So bad, that it’s making depressed.

I wish I was seeing my psychiatrist earlier than next Friday. I feel like I am hanging by a thread today. The voices have been non stop since I let them in. They just won’t shut up. I don’t understand it because I haven’t been stressed and we were just having a normal conversation. Nothing stressful or triggering. Now my brain is just firing away and the voices are wicked loud. I am in serious pain and I just can’t quiet them down to think of what I can do to ease it. I have music playing to try and distract me.

I took some pain meds once I got a break. Then I was quizzed on how many I took and why I was taking them. They always want me to take more than what I need, like more is better. More isn’t better. It’s no more effective than taking a handful of Tylenol for a headache. They just want me to hurt myself. I will do it with other drugs but not my pain meds. I don’t want to die like my father, with liver problems due to the Tylenol that is in my pain meds. I am not stupid like the voices think I am.

I haven’t told my therapist about all this. Not much she can do about it anyways. Even if I text her to talk to her, the most she is going to say is for me to page my psych or go to the ER. If I go to the ER, chance are I will be admitted. I don’t want to be admitted so the ER is out. I can be admitted after the 17th when I see my psych and get my pain meds appointment. I really was hoping that I wouldn’t need another admission so soon after my last one. But then, I wasn’t expecting to become psychotic either.

Being in pain is not helping my thoughts. I feel really depressed and it’s feeding the suicide demons. For the first time in two months (?), I am thinking of taking my life again. It’s not serious. It is just in passing, like what if I would take my life? Then I think of the plan that I cooked up a few months ago. I can still go through with it. It could work this time. A more lethal medication. Only question is, do I actually have enough to kill myself. The LD is 10 mg and I am not sure I have it. I have to count the pills and I am scared to because it will just mean one more step closer to killing myself when I want to.

After my father died, I was thinking about getting a life insurance policy. I got a response from the one I applied for online. They want medical documentation for my illnesses. Nope. Not getting it. Chances are they will have this information just to deny me. I will find another policy holder. I thought it would be too easy to get on the first try. I never got life insurance through my work. I did have insurance in case something happened to me while I working. It was something like $100,000 coverage in case of injury or accidental death and it was for something ridiculously small amount of like $6/wk. There were higher amounts but that was the cheapest and in my line of work, the risk of me losing a limb was quite low.

I wanted to get the life insurance just in case something happened to me. Then my family wouldn’t have to scramble like we did for my father with arrangements and such. I do have a pension with my work but I don’t know what happens to it when I die. Maybe I should find out. It most likely will die with me.

Soon as the pain meds kick in, I will take my night meds. I was going to listen to the game but I don’t feel up to it. I will follow it on Twitter or the MLB website until I can’t fight sleep any longer. Or I might just read something so I can feel like I did something productive today. Today just feels wasted. Voices are loud now. They are pissed I am typing and ignoring them. Maybe I will take a trilafon, too.

Pissed off and Paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off and Paranoid

I have been really pissed off the past couple of hours and I don’t know why. Nothing has upset me. Hell, no one has really talked to me in that span of time. Yet I am feeling very angry.

I got my delivery. The watch that I bought I need to return because it doesn’t have military time (24 hr.) I wish I knew that before I bought it. It looked to be the same as my current watch and I just guessed that all G-Shock watches were 24 hr. I am a little mad at myself for that because now I got to go through the hassle of mailing back the watch. I did find a 24 hr. watch that is $20 more than the one I need to return. If I want to return it. My current watch is losing battery power and I don’t know how long it will last. I wish I could just find a place that replaces batteries but there are none in my area. It’s a pain! It’s a good watch, too. The new watch is okay. I suppose I could live with a 12 hr. watch, though it will definitely take some getting used to because I have my brain trained to be at the 24 hr. clock.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my psychotic episode. If I really think about it, I had my first visual hallucination today because letters were literally flying off the van that I saw and they were talking to me. I then became paranoid because everyone could see me and was waiting for me to respond to these words. It was very alarming. Nothing like this has happened before. I am kind of scared. I won’t be going out tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain anyways. And I can finally change my damn sheets. I hate changing them. It ALWAYS throws my back out, wrestling with the sheets to put them off and then on. It was much easier when I had a twin size bed. But now I have a full size bed and it’s trickier.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent my therapist a bunch of blogs and messages over the last few days. I hope she gets to read all of them, or at least some of them. I also sent her pictures. My sister gave me a small urn of my father. The velvet purse it comes with it smells awful. I took a pic and sent it to my therapist. I really didn’t want it but she bought it so I got it. I tucked it away carefully in my sock drawer.

I think I might go back to the hospital after I see my psychiatrist on the 17th. I am feeling like I need extra support and my outpatient providers just aren’t enough right now. I really didn’t have a long enough stay the last time. I just hope the psychosis isn’t permanent. Every time I have a breakthrough episode, I think it’s time to go up on the abilify. I am on a small dose, only 10 mg. My cousin takes 15 mg. He gets really paranoid and he has bipolar 2 as well. I don’t know what he is paranoid about. He never tells me but he just says he is. When I feel paranoid, people are out to get me. I am being watched constantly by outside forces. It’s worse when I am on a crowded bus or train. The bus I was on today wasn’t that crowded but every time someone walked past me I felt their eyes on me. I know rationally they could give two shits about me, but I couldn’t help the feeling they were watching me. It’s a terrible feeling, being paranoid.