Tag: psychotherapy

Random 255

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 255

My appetite is finally back, least it was for today. I had a couple slices of homemade pizza for lunch and then some ice cream. Now I feel sick to my stomach but I am full. I didn’t know where my mother put the ice cream. Apparently, there are two freezer drawers in my sister’s fridge that I didn’t know about. That’s where it was hiding. I am thinking about getting some Ensure for the days I am not eating, but it’s expensive so we’ll see how it goes.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me today. She is back in the office. I have been waiting all day for an appointment with her. I’ll probably have to email her again. But the way that I have been feeling, I really don’t want to see anyone. I feel like I am a burden or that I am just too much for my psychiatrist. I know I feel that way about my therapist. I was writing about it in my journal this morning. I just feel that both will be better off without me.

I am again plagued with fatigue today. I kind of wish my thyroid wasn’t normal. It would explain so much, not that I want another medical condition. But then I wouldn’t have to always blame my tiredness on the depression or chronic pain. It’s just so hard to deal with and it’s difficult to get going when you don’t have anything to do all day. Tomorrow I will have to go to my father’s to do his meds just in case I need to call his doctor’s office for a refill. If I wait till Saturday, I will have to wait till Monday and I might not remember.

This morning I was dealing with pain. My ankle just didn’t want anything to do with walking, standing, or going up or down stairs. It made such a fuss that I had take two pain meds to calm it down. It made me sleepy so I took a nap for a couple of hours. Even during the day I can’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. Even now, after I had lunch and a snack, my ankle is starting to flare up again. I was going to go to Walgreens to get some stuff but I think it will be another day. I am just too tired and I don’t want to test my ankle walking. Plus it’s cold as anything out. Even the house is cold.

I vaguely remember Jack coming out today because he was so angry at my therapist. It doesn’t look like I will be talking with her today. And I think Jack is really mad because of that. I think he thinks she just doesn’t care anymore. And with the depression being as bad as it is, I kind of believe it. Lately, she has been so distant and I don’t know why. Maybe I am too much for her. I told her she should just run away from me. She is only going to get hurt. Jack really wants to cancel therapy next week and not go back. I fear that if I cancel, she is going to honor the cancellation, something she has never done in the past. Usually, I have to beg and plead to get out of a session. Now, if I cancel, that is it. Session is gone. No more fighting or talking about it. I think she is tired of me. I think I am not going to see her for a while, get caught up with my account with her and then cut her out of my life. I don’t need therapy. There is nothing forcing me to go. I have no court order or anything of the sort. I think I am just going to stop therapy. I will tell her I just don’t need therapy and will continue to pay her until my account is paid off. I am sure her billing people will be glad to get rid of me.

Why Do I Need Therapy?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychology, suicide

Why do I Need Therapy?

I woke up from oblivion and asked myself, why do I need therapy? I think I am doing it more out of obligation than for help. Sure, it’s nice to talk to someone every week. I just don’t know if I should continue or not. I know that I will feel a certain kind of loneliness without therapy. I have been doing this for fifteen years now. I still wonder if me paying her to talk is worth it. I feel really worthless and guilty for some reason. My head is foggy from the medication and I need to take my psych meds before I go loopy again. Withdrawal from oxcarbazepine is not pleasant as I found out on Wednesday.

Sure, therapy has helped me with things and stuff but do I need it? Can I stop therapy and be okay. I have my blog to write my feelings down and vent. Course, it is not the same as venting to someone on the phone or in person. Lately, we have been trying to work on self-care. I have never done that before. I have taken “mental health” days off work, more than I should have. I just couldn’t handle it and my therapist kept pushing me to take some time off of work. But then I was working 50-60 hours a week. I miss being well enough to work that many hours. In the end I was working either 20-32 hours and I was a 40 hour employee. I had to use my earned time to get 40 hours. Within weeks, my bank of time ran out and so did my job. I was deemed disabled and unable to do my job by some committee that I have no idea who was involved in. And I certainly wasn’t invited to share my experience with these people. But there went my job that I have been working in for 14 years. My psychiatrist thinks that there is no way I can work a job anymore with my back situation. That was kind of reassuring for me. And my therapist thinks the same way..

I know mentally I have been up and down and all around. My therapist knew that I was going to oblivion tonight and though she was concerned, didn’t really try to stop me. She didn’t like what I was doing, but she knew I needed an escape. I slept really hard, a good seven hours straight. Now I am foggy as hell and kind of hungry. I don’t know if I should have the yummy red velvet pop tarts or Oreo’s thin golden cookies. I am a sucker for sugar cookies.

I knew my oblivion was not going to be permanent and my therapist knew that. I have texted her what I was doing all weekend. I deleted the messages on my phone in case I really didn’t wake up or tried to go to the bathroom and fell down the stairs. That was my only fear. The password on my phone is easy. It’s my niece’s birthday and my sister knows this. She knows because I told her when my niece wanted to use my phone for games. Unfortunately, I have had to delete the games because my phone is out of fucking memory. I have 16 GB and it’s all used up. I had to also delete the FB app because it was taking up a good chunk of memory. I use my web browser on my phone to check FB now.

I feel like I am obligated to be in therapy because I owe my therapist money. Though, if you think about it, the more I see her, the more I have to pay. Thing is, I don’t think I am being “analyzed” when we talk. I know things are harder on the phone than in person. I get that. But shouldn’t my words be scrutinized? I am just thinking out loud here, throwing my thoughts on this computer screen. Sure, we talked about Hyde and the dealings he is making and we talk about my suicidality but really don’t have a plan. We just go by my word that I won’t kill myself. I am not saying I need a new therapist. I am just wondering if I truly need to talk to someone every week.

I am not saying that I am stable enough to be without therapy. I just wonder if I am just wasting her time and my own by talking. She gets that I have been injured by father’s narcissism and we try to work through that, course it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. I just can’t retain what she says because it hits me a certain way and I can’t deal with it at that moment. I do a lot of self-reflection after therapy so I write down what we talked about and such. I had started to keep a notebook of what we talked about but this week I didn’t keep notes because of my damn narcissistic father. All we talked about was his medical needs and how stupid he is about understanding what is going on at times. Sometimes he gets things and sometimes he is out to lunch. I don’t understand why I have to tell her the details of my father’s dilemma. It just takes up so much of our time that we don’t talk about anything else.

I feel like the only reason I keep going is because I am obligated some how to talk to her. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s like I have to humor her to stay in therapy. We talk more like we are friends than a professional relationship. I am not saying this is wrong or anything. Sometimes I like this and other times I feel like we are doing something wrong. Lately we have been talking about self-care, something we have never really talked about in the whole 15 years we have been talking. My taking the Neurontin was part of self-care because I really needed sleep and to zone out. It might have been in excess but the dose that I took I knew it wasn’t lethal. If I had taken say my trileptal at that dose, it might have been a different story.

Recovery…what does it mean?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Recovery…what does it mean?

I keep hearing people talk about recovery and I am at a loss. Can someone enlighten me on what the hell it is? And what exactly are you recovering from?

I hear from suicide attempt survivors all the time this word. Do people who think about suicide really recover after they attempt? Because I keep wanting to try again and again. I haven’t made an attempt in years but I think about suicide constantly. Or is recovery just something that happens after you learn different coping mechanisms?

The reason I do a lot of suicide research is because I want to find something to help me. If I never looked for it, I wouldn’t have found CAMS and the SSF so useful. I have also found other assessment tools but nothing else worked. Traditional therapy didn’t work for me. I had to find a therapist that treated me as an equal and collaborate with me on what works and what doesn’t. It’s still an ongoing process as my suicidality gets worse during certain times of the year than others.

I don’t think I will ever recover from my mental illness. I think it will wax and wane, just like my suicidality, but it will never get better. I might find symptom relief through medication but even with medication, my depressions get the better of me. They are too severe and too frequent to really get relief from them. Medication has been proven useless with treating them. I am just left to suffer through them until they pass.

Then I have the physical pain that I deal with. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. It just seems to get worse during the temps of New England. My former PCP thought that I can just do something to make me feel better and things would be better. Wishful thinking. As much as I don’t want to be on meds, I know it’s my new way of life. It’s the only way I can survive. Otherwise, I think I would entertain the thoughts of killing myself, and by entertain, I mean attempt.

Random 145

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night as I was reading Twitter, I came across a tweet by one of the psychologists I follow. He is big on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I read the article in his tweet, written by the Wall Street Journal, rather than a more reputable medical source. I was skeptical and sure enough I had reason to be. The article was on back pain and for a whopping $17,000 you can have this new form of therapy called “Functional restorative therapy”. It’s a combination of physical therapy and psychotherapy (CBT) to help you basically learn to live with the pain after other medical treatments have failed. I am not against CBT, but I am against the other stuff as someone with my condition, Cauda Equina Syndrome, might not be able to do their exercises and stretches because we no longer have the strength to do so. The article fails to mention this and when I said that this method needs more research, this psychologist went off on me, wanting to know why I said what I did. For fucks sake. I have been living with CES for the past 15 years almost. Been through almost every type of physical therapy out there. I don’t think it would be right for me and might actually harm me. The CBT might be helpful and after I said this, he settled down. That is all he wanted me to say. He is a real trouble maker as when you go against HIS views he starts an argument. I don’t know why I continue to follow him. I should mute him.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 0230 and then went back to sleep around 0300. Then I woke up a few hours later. I thought I would sleep till at least 0900 but nope. My bladder put those dreams to rest. I am so tired and the day hasn’t even started yet. I really want a coffee. But I will be leaving in about an hour to have my Starbucks. Yesterday, I tried a vanilla soy latte and I really liked it. I am going to have another one today. I think I will have time to write in my journal and eat a pop tart. I like the cherry and smores. I forgot to buy the smores kind so all I have is cherry.

Last night I told my sister I will be going to the neurosurgeon next week. I hope she doesn’t tell my mother. I don’t need them to worry right before Christmas. This morning my back feels ok, but then I haven’t started to do anything that would aggravate it. It’s cold this morning and is not supposed to go beyond the 40s today. I might wear my Red Sox jacket but I am not sure if that will be too warm. It’s a lightweight jacket but really insulated. I like being warm but hate being too warm.

My therapist told me she finagled the bagel and will be working on my birthday. I am going to try and get a Zipcar that day to see her. It will be good to see her before she goes on vacation. I just realized that both my psychiatrist and therapist will be gone the week following Christmas. This sucks.