Tag: reading

Reading and other things on my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.

lots of do nothings today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lots of do nothings today

I woke up at a decent hour. I thought my mother would leave the house so I could make pancakes undisturbed but she was watching my niece. I was in minimal pain but decided to rest it as I knew when my groceries came later this evening, it would be stressed.

I tried to rest but I kept getting alerts on my phone. It was annoying. I just ended up playing with my phone. I did catch a nap a couple of hours before the groceries came so that was good. I really didn’t do anything except empty my recycles.

I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. No one called me today so I might have to call next week. Tomorrow I see my psych and I know I am going to be tired when I come home. I have to get up early. I think I will catch the 0850 bus so I am not too early.

I wanted to read today but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I brought up my Kindle so I could charge it and maybe read some Dostoevsky. I have 2 books left in the book overall plus three chapters of the epilogue. When I am done, I am not opening this book again for a good few years! It’s a collection of his books in one Kindle book. I thought I would be able to get through it but it’s taken more time than I thought. I was hoping to get through some of it this month but that didn’t happen.

My groceries came and everything I ordered was delivered. I forgot I had ordered cheesecake so that was a surprise to me. I can have that later if my sweet tooth calls. I am really tired and I just want to take my meds and go to sleep.

Random 754

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 754

I woke up on my back late this morning and it didn’t like it one bit. I usually sleep on one of my sides so I have no idea how I ended up on my back. I didn’t think I was going to be able to go out, my lower back was hurting so bad. But my therapist pissed me off as she said next week doesn’t look good either for an appointment. WTF are you kidding me?? I honestly think she is avoiding me at this point. I got really mad and needed to get out of the house. My mother was diagnosed with shingles and I didn’t want to catch it so I needed to go out.

I gingerly got dressed. A former therapist wanted my book so I popped one in the mailer. I had to mail out my cousin’s book as it was returned to me. I had put the wrong address on the first one I sent out. OOPS. So I went to the post office and then hit my Starbucks for my coffee fix. I also had a sandwich. I wanted to get my haircut so after I finished my drink, I headed over to the barber’s. He is a good guy and we talked about random shit the entire time. I told about my book and he wanted to buy it. I told him I would be back tomorrow with a copy. Neat. Basically a free haircut! He is a cool dude.

I just missed the bus so had to wait twenty minutes for the next one. While I was waiting, there were people that were annoying me. Inside the bus waiting area, two idiots were spraying perfume or cologne and it smelled horrible. I had to go outside. Then there were two more idiots smoking pot. They were passing a joint between them. Lovely. I wish they were away from the bus loading area as I couldn’t stand the smell of it. It’s worse than cigarettes. Technically, they are not supposed to be smoking on MBTA property but of course, there wasn’t a transit officer around. Pissed me off.

I was glad they took a different bus route than mine. My bus finally came and my bladder was thankful. I just made it home before it was ready to say fuck you, you held me long enough. I really did as it was at least more than an hour. I think I am getting an infection because while going my bladder started spasming. It never really does that unless there is an infection. I got to call the doctor’s tomorrow. Fun, Fun Fun.

When I came home, my mother was cooking dinner. I went up to change into my PJs and then she called me down saying it was ready. It was good. She saw that I had a haircut and then she said she could cut my hair. I laughed. There was no way she is cutting my hair. I rather have a professional do it. Gets me out of the house.

I got to take a shower tonight to get the excess hair off my head. I got a good cut. My barber does an excellent job. I need to start reading Dostoevsky tonight. I want to try and finish “Brothers Karamazov” this month. If I read a chapter or two a day, that goal might be accomplished. But I need to stay off Twitter, my laptop, and Facebook to do it. I will definitely be reading the book tomorrow night to avoid the Twitter/Facebook chatter about the inauguration. It’s going to be a shitshow.

just don’t have spoons today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just don’t have the spoons today

I had another aggravating therapy session. My therapist was talking heavily into my pain and I finally had enough after twenty minutes or so. When I said I wanted to talk about something else, she asked why? I told her because this was Psychotherapy not pain therapy. Then she went on about how my pain is influenced by trauma and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Well, why weren’t we talking about that then?? So annoys me that she thinks we are talking about one thing and she is talking about another.

Then to make me really lose my patience, she had the audacity to say that I stigmatize myself. I asked her how do I do that. She says because I tell her that I am worthless. I lost it. It’s a goddamn symptom of depression for crying out loud not a stigmatization. I told her we weren’t on the same page today, at all. To make my fucking day, she says that I should see another therapist as a therapist and use this therapy as an adjunctive therapy. WHAT??!!! She still thinks, in her mind, that finding a therapist that is closer to me is the solution to the problem. Yea, her problem.

By the end of session, I was exhausted. I had wanted to go to Starbucks and have my cake but I lost whatever energy I had. I just wanted to sleep. I took another pain pill with my trilafon and read Twitter. I got bored with that so I decided to read “Dark Tide”. I have one chapter left. I will save it for this evening. I didn’t make coffee, but I did have my cake. It was really yummy. The chocolate chips added flavor to it that was incredible. Of course, chocolate makes everything better.

I saw chicken on the counter so I thought my mother would be making it for dinner. She came home from shopping and didn’t want to make it. We had cold cuts instead. Other than the cake and the sandwich, I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I am really hungry but I am trying to control myself. I think I will have some crackers with cheese.

My protein shakes came. I have one in the fridge to have tomorrow to try it out to see if I like it. I hope I do. It doesn’t have a lot of calories like I was hoping, far less than say an Ensure. I talked with my therapist about this diet and she flipped out. Another reason why I lost my patience with her. I can never have a discussion around my eating habits with her. I swear she thinks I am anorexic or something. It really bothers me.