Tag: schizoaffective disorder

grumpy mood and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Grumpy mood and irritable

I woke up late and barely had time to catch the bus for my psych appointment. I was not happy that I slept so late. That started my day off to a bad start. Then after I finished putting my brace on, I realized I forgot my jacket in my office. I had to go up the stairs to get it. While going down the stairs to leave the house, my ankle freaks out. That put me in a better mood. NOT. I took a pain pill before leaving my room so I couldn’t take another pill until later.

I was hoping to get coffee before my appointment. Everything annoyed me today. There were four fucking strollers on the bus. Two Arabic women speaking their language, one at one end of the bus, the other at the other end. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up. There was no reason for them to be shouting. Whatever it is, it could wait till they were off the damn bus. Then one of the kids started crying. I just wanted off the damned bus. I got my coffee and my favorite person at Starbucks didn’t charge me for my espresso. I was happy. It was the only good thing that happened today.

I met with my psych. She was concerned about me, not like I haven’t given her reason to be. I told her my plan was off the table unless I found another lethal method. She wanted to discuss things if I did find one. I said ok. We talked about the new therapist that I could be seeing. I will call her on Monday to see how it goes. I hope she is taking new clients. I will be really sad if she isn’t taking them. Then we talked about my therapist that I will be ending soon. I told her I was putting an end to it as my therapist won’t. And I won’t have the stupid termination sessions that she wants. That just makes it harder. Fuck her anyways for not setting up a therapist for me before she decided to make things monthly. I am still pissed off at her for doing this so now Wednesday will be our final session, I don’t fucking care. She is not talking me into another one no matter how much she begs.

My psychiatrist wants to see me next week. I told her I would probably go into the hospital the following Monday. I just feel so defeated that I can’t kill myself. I am such an idiot. We talked about books that I have been reading. I might take a Neil Gaiman book in the hospital with me. I still have a bag that is packed. Now I just have to have some excuse for my family when I go in.

My ankle is really sore and I don’t think my regular pain meds are going to work. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I wanted to shower today but it’s not in the cards. I also wanted to take my nieces out for dinner Sunday. Those plans are tentative right now. Course, the way I feel right now, I just want to nix the whole idea and make it some other time. I really don’t want to be away from my bed with my ankle hurting me the way it is right now. I am in a terrible mood and really just want to fucking die. Sometimes I wish just by wishing it, it could come true. Takes the whole suicide thing to a new level.

I really am tired of being in pain all the fucking time. Being in this much pain this early in the day is not a good thing. I am basically stuck on my bed. I hope I don’t have to use the bathroom because that will just increase my pain as I need to go up and down stairs. I really hate what my life has become. Maybe if I save enough money I can hire someone to kill me.

fucking pissed off with good reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Fucking pissed off with good reason

So I planned my death, went through the motions, prepared my will (still not finalized), bought my meds that I need, and then today I double checked the research. The med I thought would kill me even at the dose on some end of life website, was wrong. I would get very sick but not die. Fucking great. I am glad I am find this out now and now on my date that I planned on taking my life because waking up in the ICU or the next morning would anger me more. So the plans are off. Unless I can get a sharp fucking knife to stab myself to sever arteries, which I don’t think I have the guts to do.

I am beyond bullshit. But I know some of you are thankful for not going ahead with my stupid plan. But let me have my pity party because I wanted to end my life. I thought about this for over a month and now it’s crushed out like the butt end of a cigarette. I might still OD on something on my date, not enough to kill me but enough to knock me out for a few hours.

I get to return the pills I bought because I didn’t think I had enough. Least I will get some money back. I can’t get the other box refunded because I already disposed of evidence. So now I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself for being a fool. I have no therapist I can vent to about this, just my stinking blog. I don’t know who reads this pile of dung anymore. I am kind of tripping on pain meds right now so please forgive the idiocy of my comments. They are more directed towards me and my shitty writing than you, the readers who I know are good people.

Now I get to live my life in pain, isn’t that just wonderful? It’s a gas. I had to take the strong pain pill early tonight because the pain was so bad and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet because it was too early. There has to be a better way to manage. I am seriously contemplating asking my doc for the $60/month pain pill that might help me. It might cause other problems like the strong pain pill does but at least I will get longer pain relief than a few hours here and there. This expensive pain pill is supposed to last 12 hours. It would be perfect for the night time hours because then I wouldn’t have to wake up at 3 in the morning to take another dose of meds because they wore off. Or wake up in severe pain at god knows what hour because my meds have wore off. It would certainly help my PTSD anxiety if I wasn’t in agony all the time. And most of the time it’s the anxiety keeping me up more than the pain.

So, readers, you get more blogs until I figure out a better way to end my life or I decide to actually live life, which I doubt. Thank you for reading.

got out of the house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Got out of the house

I woke up earlier than I thought as the house was quiet so I thought my mother had left the house. Then I started hearing the god forsaken sound of dice hitting the glass table top and I was wrong. It was 0815. I thought about hurrying to catch the 0822 bus but I just woke up and didn’t feel like rushing. I ended up taking the 0950 bus so I could wake up properly and use the bathroom.

I made it to Starbucks, even though the bus hit nearly every single stop getting there. I guess I was in an annoyed mood today because I was hungry. My appetite hasn’t been great the past few days. I have literally just been having one meal and coffee to decrease my appetite. Anyways, my favorite cashier was at the register and didn’t charge me for my espresso. Score. I got my sandwich free because I had a reward. I had my sandwich and played with my phone. I can’t stand being on Twitter anymore because it just talks about the Orange Blunder and his antics, which so annoys me. If they aren’t talking about him, they are talking about his cabinet or SCOTUS pick. I fear this country is doomed for the next four years. Least I won’t know about it as my time here is limited. Pretty soon, if all goes well, all that will remain are these blogs.

After eating my sandwich, I started writing in my journal. I updated it and wrote of my fears of my plan. I seriously have to make preparations that go beyond just writing my will. My friend would like some clothing of mine so I will be sending it to her next week. She had a breakdown the last time we video chatted. It was difficult to see her cry. But since I have become a robot, I didn’t share the feelings she was feeling. I guess that is good that my emotions have been cut off due to medication because otherwise, I think I would be a lunatic.

I need to take a shower but my foot and ankle flared up soon as I took off my sock as I was changing into my PJs. I might take it tomorrow morning if I wake up early enough before heading to my psych appointment. I am nervous about this appointment because it could be the last time I see my psych, if she allows my shenanigans, which she usually doesn’t. She has always been straight and to the point kind of doctor. One of the many reasons why we get along so well.

My therapist friend got back to me this morning and gave me a name for therapy. I Googled her and found that she actually specializes in suicidality. I was shocked to read that on her profile. Maybe if I survive my attempt, we might work out if she is accepting new clients. I kind of sort of want to get in contact with her now to see how she is so that I won’t be disappointed if she isn’t accepting new clients. She is in Harvard Sq. so she is accessible to me, though the walk can be a challenge. We’ll see how it goes. If she isn’t accepting clients maybe she knows someone else that does.

I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I left the house. Then while I was at Starbucks, an Adele song came on so I switched to her album as I really haven’t listened to her music since I bought her latest album. I really love Adele, though I think her album 21 is better than her current one. There are some songs on 25 that I like and others that are okay.

Protected: Doc xx33245

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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