Tag: schizoaffective disorder

a day of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up about an hour ago and now I want to go back to sleep. My mother will be making hot dogs and beans for dinner soon. I guess it will be good to eat something other than cake. I had three slices of the Nantucket Cranberry cake I made yesterday. It is so good. I really like it. I made myself a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but I don’t think it is going to work. I can drink several cups of tea and then go right to sleep. But the caffeine might be enough to get me through dinner.

I woke up around 6 in severe pain to start my day. I don’t know how but my feet were not under the blankets and were really cold. It hurt moving my legs because my back was so sore. I was in an awkward position, which is probably why my back was hurting. I reluctantly took two pain pills. I am running low and will run out by the end of the week. Question is, which pain pill will I run out first. I have 4 strong pain pills and 10 regular pain pills. I think my regular pills will run out sooner. I am so sad that this is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it, other than ration my pills. If I am in any pain for the rest of the day, I will have to take the strong pain pills. I think that with some Ativan will help ease my pain. Last night I went into PTSD mode because I started getting pain down my left leg. I was so freaking out. Back pain radiating down my leg always freaks me out. Luckily the Ativan worked and I went to sleep without incident.

I wanted to watch the baseball game tonight but I am way too tired. I still need to wash my hair because I put gel in it last night and it’s making my head itch. I don’t know if that will be done today. I am so damn sleepy. And it’s not like I have been piling on the medications either. I haven’t taken anything since early this morning. I guess all my activities from yesterday are coming out today, making me really tired. I never had dinner as my mother called and I was feeling kind of full of cake. I also didn’t feel like having hot dogs. I’m not that hungry today so I think I will take my meds soon and call it a day. It’s raining out now.

Saturday Blog 67

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 67

I woke up around 1000 and decided to take a shower as I was hungover from the meds I took last night to relieve my pain. Then I decided to make breakfast. My back had cramped up while in the shower so I had to take little breaks while cooking. After I ate, I made coffee. It was so good. I think I finally figured out how to make the House blend coffee just right. I still plan on going to the party tonight but I looked at the invitation and noticed I had to RSVP by the 21st. I didn’t do that. I am going to show up anyway. I am wearing my shirt that I plan on wearing for the costume party. I just hope I don’t spill anything on it between now and then.

I finally made the Nantucket cranberry cake today. It’s cooling off so I haven’t had a slice yet. It took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to use the food processor I have. I couldn’t figure it out and thought it was broken. I just had it turned the wrong way. I also didn’t realize that you had to chop the cranberries and walnuts together so they are separate in the mixture. Oh well. I am sure it will come out fine. The almond extract was overpowering. I guess that is why they only asked for ¼ teaspoon. Other than using the food processor, the cake was easy to make. I did have to ask my mother to help me spread the batter evenly as I am not good at that. I am glad that it all fit on a 10 inch pie plate. I was worried at first that the batter was going to overfill the dish but it didn’t.

And of course my back flared up several times while making the cake and then washing the dishes. I had to sit down several times to ease the cramping. It really sucked. I still need to go to the party and I am wicked tired. I did too much today, between cooking breakfast and making this cake. I know that might not sound like a lot, but for someone with chronic pain, it’s too much. I am sure my ankle is going to be screaming at me tonight. I have decided I am just going to wear jeans and my slippers as we will be going next door to my neighbor’s. If I was feeling up to it yesterday, I would have made the pumpkin cake for the party but I wasn’t feeling up to it.

I went to the party and had way too much to eat and drink. I had an alcoholic beverage as well as soda. The alcohol got to me quickly because I took a pain pill before I left. I always forget not to drink but the host of the party had Mai Tai drink and I wanted to try it. It was very sweet and went down way too easy. I only had half a glass and I was flying. I lived next door so it wasn’t like I had to drive home or anything. They had loads of Chinese food there. I had some, which is why I feel so bloated right now. I usually don’t eat so late but I was at a party and I love Chinese food.

My ankle started flaring up because I was standing more than I was sitting. It was getting late for me anyways as I always try to take my meds by 2100 or I am up all night. My ankle is thanking me now and I am probably going to have to take a strong pain pill or I am not going to sleep tonight. I got to wait for my stomach to settle down some because I don’t want to get nauseous.

I did a lot today and I am sure I am going to be sore tomorrow. Least I will have my Nantucket cake to have with my coffee. I am so looking forward to seeing how it came out. It was still cooling before I left for the party so I didn’t want to have a slice.

Just a lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.

another day of therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of therapy

My therapist had an opening early this morning and I reluctantly took it. I managed to get a Zipcar so I could see her. Traffic was a little hairy but I made it on time. I forgot how bad morning traffic could be as I haven’t driven in the morning in so long. We talked about my plan and about ditching the pills. I told her there was a high probability that I couldn’t walk to my destination anyways. I would have to do a trial run and I never did because my pain flare ups prevented that. She wanted to do a psychache scale but I told her it’s worthless because my physical pain is overshadowing my emotional pain right now. We did talk about my LTD paperwork and what I basically wanted her to say. I will pick up the papers when I see her on Tuesday.

I got back with 10 minutes to spare so I went to my house to grab my bag with my book and journal and returned the car. I wanted to go to Starbucks to edit my book and have another espresso drink. While I was there, they had these really cool Boston mugs with baseball on it. They were pricey but I didn’t care, I bought it. It was my reward for living. My mother is going to freak because I have so many mugs but only use one consistently. I might give it to a friend as a Christmas gift. Depends on how much I like it, haha. It’s a ceramic one so I need to be really careful with it because I am a clutz. I edited one story for my book and got tired. I tried writing in my journal but it wasn’t happening. I wanted a nap. I left for the station to get my pass for the month and then waited for the bus.

I wanted to show off my haircut to my therapist so I did my hair. Rain was in the forecast but I was hoping to beat it. No such luck. I just reached my stop home and it started raining. Figures, the one day I don’t wear my baseball cap, it rains. My bowels started acting up so I was glad I was going home. I had milk in the morning and I never know when it’s going to activate my bowels to go haywire. When I got home, my mother was in the bathroom and I knew I couldn’t hold it so I ran downstairs to my sister’s bathroom. I am so glad we have access to another bathroom or I would have had an accident. I just made it, too.

I am still going to try and make the pumpkin cake for my friend’s party Saturday. It all depends on how I feel. I feel like shit right now because I had to get up so fricken early. My energy levels have dropped since being home. I think I am crashing from all the espresso I drank today. I still need to make dinner. My mother is making pork chops but I got a burger that I need to cook or it’s going to go bad. I rather have the burger than pork. Sometimes, pork doesn’t agree with my digestive tract.

I had to call Zipcar today because the last driver that used the car I had smoked pot and cigarettes. It really reeked and I had to keep the windows rolled down most of my trip. I am glad the rain didn’t come until the afternoon because I can’t stand the smell of pot. I can’t believe someone would drive under the influence of pot. Just because they don’t own the car, doesn’t mean they should jeopardize other drivers. I was really pissed off. I won’t be using that car again, even though it’s more convenient for me.