A Special Blog Post

This is my 500th blog post. I wanted it to be memorable. And it will be, I hope, to me anyways.

I thought I would talk about David Jobes. He is my idol in the field of suicidology. I talk a lot about his work on my blog because I want to spread the word that there are treatment plans and assessment scales available for those who are suicidal. It took twenty-five years for this to happen. It might not catch on like DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) did for borderline personality disorder but I am hoping that through my blog, someone has at least an inkling about it.

His work is CAMS: the Collaborating Assessment and Managing of Suicide. It is a framework that allows the suicidal patient/client to work with the therapist in his or her treatment plan. By working together, therapist and client, it is hoped that suicidal thinking will decrease enough so a completed suicide is avoided. This does not mean that the suicidal thinking will go away completely. Nor does it totally prevent a suicide. During one of his talks, he spoke of a clinician in Texas that followed the CAMS and the assessment tool, SSF (suicide Status Form) to the letter with one of his suicidal clients. The client ended up killing himself. The clinician did everything that he could. But sometimes, there is still the risk.

The SSF is a seven page form that uses an initial, tracking, and outcome form to monitor and assess suicidality. It is based on the work of several clinicians. I won’t go into great detail about this because you can find out more in Dr. Jobes’s book, Managing Suicidal Risk. The link it to the Amazon website where you can purchase it. I would love to post the SSF one day but I would be violating copyrights, though in the book you can make copies of the form. I just can’t do it electronically, yet.

The wonderful thing about this form is that it is a self report about the client’s thinking about suicide and also has clinical information in the end so that both client and clinician fill it out to assess and document the suicide risk. It doesn’t take more than 10-15 minutes to fill it out (might take longer if the person has trouble understanding reading and writing English or has a disability that prevents that from happening, such as dyslexia). It is individualized for the client and that is a huge thing Jobes tries to do. It is not a fit all in one box, so to speak. It should broaden the thinking of the client and clinician to help bring together and work together to prevent the client from committing suicide. In the SSF, it talks about reasons for living and dying, assess psychological pain, hopelessness, the need to escape, and also asks the question, what would make you not kill yourself? I have used this form in my therapy sessions and that is the first question my therapist asks me when I am in the throws of a suicidal crisis, which happens more times than not for various reasons.
Mostly it has been my word that has kept me alive and I do hate myself for it at times. I have told my therapist that I would keep myself safe and I have, though sometimes, I overmedicate to do so.

Background information of Jobes is that he is a professor at the Catholic University of America and also has a private practice in the Washington, D.C. He has written in at least a half dozen books (some of which I own, if I could afford it I would own all) and countless research articles relating to his work and also to the field of suicidology. He not only write about his work but also about the legality and ethical matters of dealing with a suicidal client.

my heating system sucks

Today started off ok. I got my niece ready for school and walked her to school. We took the way I normally take because there are no inclines or hills, which is normally good for my foot. But I guess all the up and down stairs yesterday and the few that I did today to get my clothes finally took its toll. My ankle and three toes are aching like no tomorrow and feel like I have my foot submerged in a bucket of ice water. I have it wearing a sock and under 3 blankets. There is no warming this foot up and frankly, I don’t want it warm because I will be in more pain. It will get warm then VERY HOT, like it is on fire. Happens all the time. The weather is very cold today even though the weatherman says it is 56 degrees. They are lying as Google just told me that it is 42 degrees. It is so cold in my room, despite the heat being on, that I think my radiator finally shit the bed. It was hot last week. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I didn’t turn the heat up high enough. My heating system sucks. It has to be the worse heating system on the planet. The only way to get it to turn on is putting it higher than 70 degrees. Then the house melts, you lower it and it stays warm for a little while. I am not as cold as I was earlier but it doesn’t matter. My foot has its own heating/cooling system since it has nerve damage. That is why I try to keep it as warm as possible during the colder months of the year. It is not easy as even in the summer it will be cold. I have to wear socks 90% of the time. I miss being barefoot but I just can’t risk getting my foot cold, especially as we have ceramic tile floors. They get REALLY cold, and fast.

I did nothing this weekend but vegetate. I needed some time away from the blog and my book. I got wicked stressed out Friday and didn’t want to risk another psychotic break so I stepped back. I had to for my own sanity. I thought I would be able to get back to editing today but I didn’t sleep very good last night and then had to wake up early for the kiddos.

Today’s WordPress challenge is about Dear Abbey. I thought about posting a good piece of advice but that is not what my blog is about. Most I have is to have a good therapist that is willing to work with you, and that goes for all professionals, from doctors to physical therapists. If the doctor already has it in his mind about you before you walk in the door, see someone who has a brighter bulb in their head. It is hard for chronic pain patients to get treatment because these doctors have been sidelined by the fake patients who say their back hurts and get pain medication just to use it illegally or to sell it. But the sad part is that these pain patients are undermedicated sometimes which leads to possible overdoses because they cannot get a flare up under control. I know, I have been there. I might not overdose myself all the time, but when I do, it is for a good reason. And that reason is PAIN. I don’t mean overdose in the sense I take the bottle. NO I DO NOT DO THAT, though I may be thinking that. I mean that instead of my allotment of 4 pills a day, I might take 6 or 8 a day. Fortunately for me, those 6 or 8 pills a day are far and wide in between. My doctor trusts my judgment. I am fortunate that he does otherwise I would be six feet under, NO JOKE. And it all stems from that day that I saw a chiropractor to adjust my spine and she ruptured my disc, permanently disrupting my life forever. I always will have nerve damage. I always will have weakness in my foot. It might not be visible to the world but I can assure you it is felt every single day. My minimum pain level is always a 3 on a scale of 1-10. That is what I live with on a daily basis and my surgery is coming up on 13 years. So that is why my heating system in my foot is all messed up.

school shooting and other stuff

Well, like very year, it is one extreme temperature or another. We had mild weather last week and today we are dipping close to freezing. Some places had snow or frost this morning! And it’s not even Halloween yet!

My mood has been bleak the past few days. Tuesday I had a rough night of pain so was popping pain pills until I got relief or passed out. Then I was hungover most of yesterday so was not able to blog at all. I was too foggy brained and slept most of the day.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist asked how my suicidality was. Frankly, I don’t know anymore. I know I don’t want to live but yet I have no plans of making that happen. I stopped the scheming and planning a while ago. I haven’t really felt suicidal in any sense of the word for over two weeks now. I feel that if I talk about it, it might come back so when she asks me about it, I generally say no but she doesn’t believe me. Course I have been suicidal nearly every day for the past 9 years so how could she believe that my suicidality has suddenly cease to exist. I don’t know what brought over the change. Maybe because I am not psychotic anymore, the suicidal feelings went away with the increase in medication too. Not really likely, but it is possible. I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel horrendously depressed and I don’t feel happy. I just feel nothing. Just a blank slate. My mood is dependent on other things. My taste buds still have not been the same. Yesterday I was having Pad Thai and the voices were telling me that mice were in there. It was hard to eat but I knew it wasn’t true as if there were mice at the restaurant, it wouldn’t stay in business. I know that not all kitchens are perfectly clean but the food tasted the way it should, except for the chicken. I don’t know what my problem is with chicken lately. I either love or hate the smell or can’t stand the taste. Even if my mother makes chicken cutlets, sometimes I can’t stand to eat it. It just taste funny even if it is bought and made that day. So I just ate the Thai noodles. I really just like the noodles but I guess you need to have protein. Maybe next time I will get tofu and just take it out.

I am watching my niece this weekend and I am kind of scared. I never watched her for more than a few hours. My biggest fear is that she won’t listen to me or worse, be late for school because she won’t wake up and do what she is supposed to do. She has a routine that she has to do every day for school days. This is why I am not a parent. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a little one. I hope that it goes well and I am worrying for nothing.

I finally got Pearl Jam’s latest CD. I don’t know how I feel about it. There are only like three songs that I really like and the rest are just ok. I have been listening to Siren’s non stop since I came home.

The day after the school shootings in Nevada, there was another that was closer to where I live. A high school teacher was killed and a student is in custody. I don’t know the specifics of the shooting. I just know that it occurred in a town north of where I live. I feel more upset that this happened in conservative Massachusetts. The state gun laws have changed and yet this kid still managed to get one. Unbelievable. The high school was closed today for grieving. I suspect it is going to be a long year for these kids. When I was growing up, you had to watch out for other kids getting killed not teachers. Gangs were rampant and so were drugs. At least three of my former high school classmates are dead because of drug overdoses. Then there are the ones that are still fighting the addiction. Some of my classmates are doing well today. They have graduated from college to become nurses and businessmen or work in healthcare. Our twenty year reunion is coming up next year. I wonder who will be showing up.

Paranoid troubles continue

I have been having a facial migraine all day. One side of my face is numb and tingling. I have had them before. They usually are caused by bright sunny days and being overtired. I have been up since very early this morning. I wanted to get my editing done on my book and get to Starbucks early to get a seat. I got there around eight-thirty this morning as I was up at seven. I got the migraine when I came home. I guess I am stressing about this book a little bit.

I’m getting tied up in the details and when I asked a friend about quoting she said it’s different than quoting for a paper or article. CRAP. I have to find out if I can use this information with consent or half my book goes bye-bye. Not helping my migraine today.

Then today as I was looking for my migraine medicine, I realized I have two packages of old birth control patches that I am never going to use. I called the pharmacy to find out what to do with them and they tell me to call my city for medication dump. Well, it’s too late now to call. I was annoyed because I was on hold for like five minutes but it felt longer than that because of this damn migraine. I just feel pressure all around me and I just can’t get a hold of myself. I hate feeling out of control. I don’t know what effect the migraine med and my anti-psychotic pill will have so I don’t want to mix the two right now. I just have to ride it out and I can’t tolerate it. I feel like I am being pulled into different directions. It’s not even eight o’clock yet and I am ready for bed, which I might do but am afraid I will wake up early in the morning again, but this time at two or three o’clock. I can’t win no matter how hard I try with sleep. My days of sleeping for more than 7 hrs straight are over.

It’s a terrible feeling being watched by an unknown entity. Thankfully the voices aren’t chiming in with banter or I would really be losing it. Not that I would harm myself, just feel like I need to be back in the hospital again or something for fear of losing control. Maybe this book is just too much for me. I am starting to have second thoughts about it. I already feel like it will suck anyways. My therapist keeps trying to tell me that my book will be good like my blog is but my blog is different. I can write what I want to without being censored, per se. And I can quote pretty well to promote that things are not my ideas, least I hope that comes across. Maybe I am just worrying about nothing. My friend wants me to contact my idol about his stuff and the Aeschi model that I wrote. I just have to find it and make it in a document that is readable to him and pray he has time to read it and consent and then me not have a heart attack if he says yea or nay. This is the big leagues and I don’t want to fuck up on my first book. I would be utterly devastated if I got sued or something for what I wrote. I am like totally paranoid, and possibly with good reason. I wish I had my therapy appointment tomorrow but I don’t. I had to cancel because I am seeing my PCP. My monthly pain management appointment. I know he just is going to comment about my weight again. I put on a few pounds while I was in the hospital, I know I did. I haven’t weighed myself because I am too scared. I hate myself for it but sometimes I have no control over my eating. I sometimes eat when I feel it and other times I don’t eat at all because I have no appetite. Such is the struggle with depression. You would think a medical professional would know this but they don’t. They just want you in their set guidelines of a healthy weight, which is ridiculous. Technically I should be 125, at the most, and I haven’t weighed that much since high school. Medication is to blame and my back and ankle issues. It’s hard to exercise when it hurts. I try to push through it but it always backfires on me. Like today after I came home, my sister asked me to pick up my niece. It was a good walk from my house and now I am hurting because of the hills in my area. I don’t do inclinations too well with my bad ankle and there was no other way to get to my house without going downhill, unless I wanted to walk another three blocks or so. I know I shouldn’t be complaining because other people have it worse than I do with CES. But being in chronic pain every day changes you. For two and half years I have had pain nearly every single day, all day on some level. It gets worse at night, part of the reason I wake up in the middle of the night. My doctor calls this “inactivity” while I call it trying to sleep!! Sometimes I really think he doesn’t get it when he says he does. Did I also mention that he stresses me out going to see him? I never know what new thing he will come up with about my ankle pain or what kind of doctor he will refer me to next. I won’t go. I am tired of seeing new doctors and they always tell me the same thing, nothing is wrong with my foot or they don’t know why I am having pain as there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle. I have seen them all and I am DONE. I just want my pain medication and just send me on my merry way. The end.