Tag: suicidality

Hang Over

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Hang Over

I got a Neurontin hang over because I took a lot of it last night to help with the pain as I am low on my pain meds. I also took a lot to help me sleep through the night. Now I am on my second cup of coffee to help clear the cobwebs.

Today is my sister’s birthday. I wrote her a sentimental note and placed it in the card. We are going out for dinner tonight. My mother’s back is hurting so I am hoping she can make it. It would be good to have the family together. Course, this is the first of many birthdays without my father so I know it’s going to be weird. I have been thinking about him a lot today.

One of the clinicians that I know on Twitter sent me a response to my upsetting chat blog. He gave me an article to read and would like my insights into it. I read the article with interest though it was hard to do with this hang over I have. I told him I would write a blog about it because 140 characters are too short for my response. I am still thinking of a response, but I had a question for the psychologist that the article is about. I am waiting for a response before I write a blog.

The game of taking my foot in and out of the covers is still going on. It is so annoying. Half the time I am waking up with my foot frozen. I need to get the AC out of my room so it can be a little warmer. And for some reason, I had the ceiling fan going. That helped my foot a whole lot, NOT. I hate when my feet get so cold and then warm up because it’s like going through the process of freezer burn. It warms up and then it hurts like a SOB. I can’t win.

I have the appointment with the NP for my pain management. I hope that my psychiatrist has emailed her. Otherwise, I fear that it’s going to be another status quo appointment. I am going to ask that the order be changed to how I take it. And I am going to ask for the 2 extra pills a day to help ease my pain. Four pills a day just isn’t cutting it. I am really nervous about speaking up about this. I am terrified of her saying no to my request or saying that a MD needs to change the order, which means I need to wait another damn month. I have decided I won’t wait the month. I am in too much pain as it is and dealing with another month of this bullshit because she is an NP and not an MD is just ridiculous. I am tired of dealing with stupidity around my meds and not being heard.

My therapist wanted to know the outcome of the appointment via text. I just texted telling her I won’t be texting her tomorrow, regardless of how it goes down. I just don’t care or give a shit anymore. I tried to convey this to her yesterday when we had our appointment and it fell on deaf ears. She is another one that doesn’t hear me, but she knows the severity of my suicidality so there is some cause for concern.

In the article that I read today, which I post a full blog about, it was talking about suicide being its own diagnosis, specifically as an acute suicidal affective disturbance. I unfortunately, fall into the criteria for it but my only saving grace (so far) has been that I haven’t been able to walk to my destination of choice to kill myself. The criteria does exclude some stuff but not medical conditions, such as chronic physical pain. This is the information I am waiting on before I write my thoughts on this new diagnosis they are proposing.

don’t know if I should write anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Don’t know if I should write anymore

I have been contemplating writing today. It’s been a difficult day. I again had pain and I think because I have been rationing my pain medication, I have been going through withdrawal. That hasn’t been pleasant. But there is nothing I can do about it until Friday. I feel like all I do is talk about my pain and also that it is boring you guys.

I didn’t go out today because I wanted to rest my ankle. Friday will be a long day because I have two appointments. I want to prepare myself for it as much as I can. I am not hopeful that the NP appointment will go well. If anything, I will get my usual amount of meds and hopefully a refill for the strong pain pill but nothing else will change. And I will be pissed off because I will feel unheard. If the NP gets freaked out and refuses to give me my meds because she is worried, I will end things sooner than planned.

I was talking with my therapist today about this. I told her somethings and it made her worry. She wants me to text her after the appointment with the NP to see how it goes. I told her I have no intention to do so. I feel things aren’t going to matter, which is why I didn’t want to write today. Nothing matters to me anymore. I am tired of fighting pain. I give up.

I took a shower today and made coffee. I was really tired after all the Neurontin I took last night. I plan on taking the same dose tonight. It helps me sleep some. I woke up this morning without the sock I had worn to bed. It’s hiding somewhere under the covers because it’s not on the floor. When I told my therapist this, she laughed and said I was such a guy.

I might write tomorrow, which could be my last blog. Depends on how I feel. Just feeling really down right now and not sure what to do about it.

an upsetting chat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

An upsetting chat

Nathaan Demers ‏@Doc_Demers 3h3 hours ago
We need protocols in primary care regarding MH & suicidal ideation. We flag pt records for med conditions- lets do the same for MH. #spsm

I came across this statement while going through the SPSM chat that goes on every Sunday on Twitter. What I find upsetting is that these suicide preventionists don’t realize that suicide and suicidal thinking are time limited. People who think of this in time of extreme distress are not going to think about it down the line. Now if they make an attempt, that is a different matter.

The way I see it, you can let the medical providers know that the patient has mental health issues. I am for that. But telling them they have suicidal ideation that won’t go on like pneumonia is just foolish. Sure you can document that the person had ideation but for what? So that some idiot insurance policy can deny claims because they were going through a tough patch and wanted to get out of it? To me, that is just perpetuating the stigma of suicide. If the patient attempted suicide, then that is cause for concern because the best indicator that we have right now is survived attempts leading to a death by suicide.

This isn’t the first chat that has called for the medical providers and mental health professionals to be working together. But once you place it in the patient’s chart, it’s there forever. You can’t erase it. More thought needs to go into this before I feel comfortable about my own thoughts going into my medical record. We’re not talking about a deathly reaction to penicillin. Those kind of things should of course be documented at every medical visit.

But passing suicidal thoughts that were thought of last week or last month or even ten years ago? Everyone has these thoughts. Not all go through with them. It’s the attempts that should be documented not the ideas if we want to save a life. Granted patients might be ashamed or embarrassed to bring up a failed attempt but it should be asked about. And again, this should all be done with dignity and respect and compassion. It shouldn’t be hurried and passed over once talked about. It should also be respected about the time. If the patient is currently have these thoughts they should be addressed. If it happened ten years ago and the patient is stable, then in my opinion, it should be documented but not be hounded and beaten to death. The crisis is over and dealt with. It’s what is going on now in the patient’s life that should matter, not the long ago past.