Tag: suicide

Jumping around (a book) and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Jumping around (a book) and other thoughts

So my last blog I wrote about how I bought a book about the standard legal and ethical care of the suicidal patient. In the appendix it listed an “Anti-suicide” contract. I was curious about this as I was hoping it had nothing to do with a “no harm” contract. I was correct. It was similar to the “commitment to living” contract that I wrote about here. But the funny thing and I don’t mean the HAHA funny, is that it lists the lethal dose of common drugs in this book. I won’t go into specifics about these tables, but for an anti-suicide book, I find it odd. I have never seen a table like this listed in a preventative book before.

The book is the second edition, not the first like what I thought I ordered. The original book was printed in 1991. The second edition, 2002. I didn’t know this. I have heard of the author before. He is in another book about the legal and ethical treatment of suicidal patients. That book is co-edited with a bunch of other suicidologists. I had bought both books because it was referenced with an article I was reading and I wanted to read the reference. Trouble is, I forgot the article and the reference. I didn’t make note and so now I have these books but I don’t know why I have them. They will be read in the course of the year. I am doing a reading challenge on GoodReads.com. It will come in handy because I don’t have 20 books to read this year. I have about 15, which leaves me 5 short. I have read 6 books so far this year for this challenge. I had put Dostoevsky’s Brothers Karamazov on it but I think I am going to remove it. It’s much too long to read and I have like 6 books on Kindle I downloaded that I want to read. Four of these book are Lawrence Block books. I had started one book but I read “Common Struggle” today and I am wiped out for reading. I still have Harry Potter to read. I don’t know when I will get around to reading that book.

I had pizza for supper. My mother made it and it was good but my stomach didn’t like it. I think I ate too much as I haven’t been eating good the past three weeks or so. I think I am going to have to have some Alka-Seltzer to settle my stomach. Tomorrow I will buy the generic version of Mylanta. The PPI that I have been using for my reflux just hasn’t been cutting it for indigestion.

I had to bust out laughing when I saw the weather report for Friday. We are supposed to get 0.1 inch of snow. That is nothing! Why even bother reporting it??!! And they are calling it a fucking storm! Are you serious?? The weathermen have nothing better to do these days then to call snow that is 0.1 inch a storm. RIDICULOUS!

For the past half hour, my leg/ankle/foot has been having a weird pain. It’s starting from my calf muscle and is wrapping its way around my leg to down my ankle and foot. I have never felt this before and it’s not my usual pain that I have. My toes are singing to me. That is my usual pain. But that is also because I got zaps in my toes a little while ago before this weird pain started.

My father is still mad at me. He is paranoid. He thinks my sister and I are conspiring to kill him. I had the “pleasant” task of talking to his doctor’s staff today about his refusal to take his medication. Apparently, he told my father he doesn’t want him taking it. Well, don’t you think I should know that?? I am so pissed. Here I am telling the guy to take his meds or bad things will happen and the doc told him not to. I am livid. As the “keeper” of this medication, I should have been told this information. And getting him back on this medication is going to be a hassle. I am not going to be the one to tell my father this because I am “trying to kill him”. He better be put on some other blood thinner. Or I will have him go back to his cardiologist and have him explain to him that he needs to be on it. I am done with coordinating with a PCP that has no regard for the family members who deal with my father’s medication and then leave out pertinent information regarding it.

In other news, there was a “trespasser” on one of the commuter rail lines today and he/she got hit by a train. This is the second person to get hit and now they are closing the station temporarily. I seriously doubt they will say it is a suicide attempt or not. The T doesn’t report “jumpers”. But I am wondering if someone was crossing the tracks and they got hit by the train because it was easier than going around the world to get to the other side. I have seen that happen before. No one got hurt but it is still risky.

Twitter Rant: CAMS and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I wrote this at 0400 today. excuse the hashtags

Twitter rant CAMS and Suicide

I wonder if there will ever come a day when there isn’t a hierarchical relationship between client and clinician in the matters of #suicide. That clinician and client work together to deal with #suicide and all that it portends, without judgement, stigma, or fear. These are the musings I have at this hour. Anyone can be trained for suicide prevention but do they go with that training or own prejudices. I have seen that changing clinicians’ minds about how they deal with #suicide training doesn’t change their perception of it. The old stigma of “they’re going to do it anyways” so why bother helping them is prevalent. If it doesn’t change their perception of #suicide, why then bother spending hundreds of dollars for training if you aren’t going to use it?? Case in point, at the Menninger clinic, they had a CAMS study where the authors noted the clinicians resistance to this easy framework. Again, it was hierarchical, the clinician knows best, the client knows nothing, This truly needs to change if we are to prevent #suicides. CAMS was designed to work with all disciplines (SW, PhD, PsyD, MD, etc.) Yet these clinicians had their biases & stigma preventing an open mind. CAMS is unlike any other theory, is quick to learn, and has less paperwork. Along with the SSF, it really help deal with #suicidal clients. I might be biased for CAMS only because it saved my life and I think it is the most superior #suicide assessment out there. Here is my blog about #CAMS. #CAMS is also NOT a replacement or new treatment but a theory that working collaboratively helps someone who is #suicidal. my musings started when a therapist was complaining about the use of the CBT paperwork and stayed away from it in her practice. As a patient, I can totally understand why the CBT paperwork is so daunting. I never liked it and don’t think it is helpful but others have found it helpful. And you have the CBT nuts that swear by it. I just wonder if it is because that is all that they were trained to be like DBT therapists. You don’t have to change disciplines to work with #CAMS, after the assessments, the client will need that discipline for treatment. I still would love to replicate the study in the Boston area about therapists and their attitudes toward suicide and training. Final thoughts are that #suicide training is under utilized in this country and not mandated. when is that going to change??

Why Do I Need Therapy?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychology, suicide

Why do I Need Therapy?

I woke up from oblivion and asked myself, why do I need therapy? I think I am doing it more out of obligation than for help. Sure, it’s nice to talk to someone every week. I just don’t know if I should continue or not. I know that I will feel a certain kind of loneliness without therapy. I have been doing this for fifteen years now. I still wonder if me paying her to talk is worth it. I feel really worthless and guilty for some reason. My head is foggy from the medication and I need to take my psych meds before I go loopy again. Withdrawal from oxcarbazepine is not pleasant as I found out on Wednesday.

Sure, therapy has helped me with things and stuff but do I need it? Can I stop therapy and be okay. I have my blog to write my feelings down and vent. Course, it is not the same as venting to someone on the phone or in person. Lately, we have been trying to work on self-care. I have never done that before. I have taken “mental health” days off work, more than I should have. I just couldn’t handle it and my therapist kept pushing me to take some time off of work. But then I was working 50-60 hours a week. I miss being well enough to work that many hours. In the end I was working either 20-32 hours and I was a 40 hour employee. I had to use my earned time to get 40 hours. Within weeks, my bank of time ran out and so did my job. I was deemed disabled and unable to do my job by some committee that I have no idea who was involved in. And I certainly wasn’t invited to share my experience with these people. But there went my job that I have been working in for 14 years. My psychiatrist thinks that there is no way I can work a job anymore with my back situation. That was kind of reassuring for me. And my therapist thinks the same way..

I know mentally I have been up and down and all around. My therapist knew that I was going to oblivion tonight and though she was concerned, didn’t really try to stop me. She didn’t like what I was doing, but she knew I needed an escape. I slept really hard, a good seven hours straight. Now I am foggy as hell and kind of hungry. I don’t know if I should have the yummy red velvet pop tarts or Oreo’s thin golden cookies. I am a sucker for sugar cookies.

I knew my oblivion was not going to be permanent and my therapist knew that. I have texted her what I was doing all weekend. I deleted the messages on my phone in case I really didn’t wake up or tried to go to the bathroom and fell down the stairs. That was my only fear. The password on my phone is easy. It’s my niece’s birthday and my sister knows this. She knows because I told her when my niece wanted to use my phone for games. Unfortunately, I have had to delete the games because my phone is out of fucking memory. I have 16 GB and it’s all used up. I had to also delete the FB app because it was taking up a good chunk of memory. I use my web browser on my phone to check FB now.

I feel like I am obligated to be in therapy because I owe my therapist money. Though, if you think about it, the more I see her, the more I have to pay. Thing is, I don’t think I am being “analyzed” when we talk. I know things are harder on the phone than in person. I get that. But shouldn’t my words be scrutinized? I am just thinking out loud here, throwing my thoughts on this computer screen. Sure, we talked about Hyde and the dealings he is making and we talk about my suicidality but really don’t have a plan. We just go by my word that I won’t kill myself. I am not saying I need a new therapist. I am just wondering if I truly need to talk to someone every week.

I am not saying that I am stable enough to be without therapy. I just wonder if I am just wasting her time and my own by talking. She gets that I have been injured by father’s narcissism and we try to work through that, course it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. I just can’t retain what she says because it hits me a certain way and I can’t deal with it at that moment. I do a lot of self-reflection after therapy so I write down what we talked about and such. I had started to keep a notebook of what we talked about but this week I didn’t keep notes because of my damn narcissistic father. All we talked about was his medical needs and how stupid he is about understanding what is going on at times. Sometimes he gets things and sometimes he is out to lunch. I don’t understand why I have to tell her the details of my father’s dilemma. It just takes up so much of our time that we don’t talk about anything else.

I feel like the only reason I keep going is because I am obligated some how to talk to her. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s like I have to humor her to stay in therapy. We talk more like we are friends than a professional relationship. I am not saying this is wrong or anything. Sometimes I like this and other times I feel like we are doing something wrong. Lately we have been talking about self-care, something we have never really talked about in the whole 15 years we have been talking. My taking the Neurontin was part of self-care because I really needed sleep and to zone out. It might have been in excess but the dose that I took I knew it wasn’t lethal. If I had taken say my trileptal at that dose, it might have been a different story.

I am Dumb

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My ex got in touch with me tonight. She still hasn’t told me what she wants. She just keeps asking how I am. I refuse to answer. She has lost the right to know how I feel. She changed her Facebook profile. I don’t know if she has done this to get in touch with me or if there is another reason. Frankly, I could care less.

As much as I didn’t want to do it, I did some research on the subject I am looking for on Google. I got some interesting results. And it makes me sick and more depressed. I have been trying to write a story about narcissism NOT using my father as an example but that is proving to be impossible. Every example that I have read tonight points toward him and his ways. I will say that my therapist is wrong about narcissistic injury. You can only have that type of injury if you are narcissistic and I am definitely not. I did one of the online test and scored very low. The test even called me humble, something that I know my father is not. He is a cunning bastard. From what I gather from multiple sources is that there is no getting around this personality. You are best to leave the person. Oh, how I would LOVE to do that. I would do it in a heartbeat and not look back.

What I learned is that the narcissist is incapable of love. I knew this on some level but it was confirmed tonight. I am unloveable and have been for quite some time. I don’t believe anyone that says they love me because my father lies so much. He only says it now because he is a despicable person and thinks he is being truthful. That is his way of showing he “cares” but he could give two shits. He has no feeling for us, my sisters and I, in reality. It’s all in his mind and as long as you go along with it, all is hunky dory. That is why I don’t argue with him, even though it angers me so. I have learned not to show my anger, least not to him or anyone else I care about. Hell, I don’t even show it to my therapist though she provokes me sometimes.

My therapist says she cares and that she loves me. My psychiatrist I know cares but I shield it off, especially when my suicidality is at its peak. It’s too dangerous to have these people care for a moron like me. I am nothing and always will be. I am good for nothing. This has been instilled in me since I was young and continues to this day because of the cunning ways of my father. He is not a dad by any means. He is a sperm donor to me. I am never right. I am always wrong. And that is the way it living under the roof of a narcissist.

I am wasting more money on books next week. One of them is called “rethinking Narcissism” by Craig Malkin. I figure I might as well read it to further poison myself. I doubt it will change my thinking of myself. My therapist and psych have tried for years. But it’s all a sham. My father would say that I am crazy for seeking help, if he knew. Hell, he did tell me to kill myself, so I do have his permission to do so. If I wasn’t afraid of heights, the Tobin might be my way out. But I have other plans. I always have other plans. It’s what I do. I plan my death all the time. So in moments when I feel like acting, there just has to be a time and place to act on it. I haven’t been successful as I wouldn’t be writing this if I was. I am a loser at killing myself. I always seem to tell someone important to me that I am going to do it and then they thwart me from going through with it. I am dumb, just like my father says I am.

I haven’t eaten much the last few days. I wish I could say that it was on purpose but I just have no appetite. Today I ate a little better but small meals. A sandwich here, soup there. I just don’t feel like eating. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I kind of know when a depression is coming because my appetite because scarce. But I have enough fat so I am not worrying about being underweight. I might be malnourished but that is a matter of debate. Most people think that because you are overweight, you are well-nourished. I wish that were true but it’s not. I hardly eat what I am supposed to. Sugar and fat is my diet mostly, hence my composition. But this article isn’t about weighty matters.