Tag: transgender

trans issues and other things on a Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trans Issues and other things on a Friday

I was having lunch with my mother this afternoon. She had made tuna and I was having some with crackers. As I had made my decision to change my name soon, I thought I would tell her that. She seemed okay with me changing my name so I went a little further and told her I was trans. She asked what I meant and I said that I am a man in a female body. I also said that I plan on going forward with getting hormones so I could be a man. She seemed okay with it. I was overjoyed. I went up to her and said, are you okay with me being a man? She said, you dress like one anyway.

I felt such relief, my head was spinning. I texted everyone and then wrote on Twitter. I got a lot of responses that were supportive. I still can’t believe my mother, who I was convinced hated me, said the words, “I just want you to be happy”. My sister sent me the most supportive message, which is what I needed to hear because my mood has been so dark lately.

After lunch, I went to my room and tried to write a blog solely on the transgender issue but pain interrupted that. I tried napping to ease it and my foot/ankle cramped up. I didn’t want to take an Ativan because I really didn’t want to sleep so heavy or feel out of it, like the Neurontin is making me. I took some magnesium supplements and waited a few hours. I went down to the basement to fetch my dirty gravy and some frozen dinners. Tomorrow I will heat up the gravy and make some pasta for lunch.

I don’t know why my pain is so damn high. All I did was shower and make breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes, which I have had in a while. They were good, even though I forgot to put sugar in the batter. But that is why you use syrup. I also made coffee, which was good as I used spring water rather than tap and boiled it in a pan rather than the tea kettle. I wanted to see if there would be a different taste and there was. The downside was that because I used the amount of water for the cup, it wasn’t enough for the coffee so the coffee was a bit strong, good though. I needed it to get me through the fog I was in.

A friend of mine is reading my Darkness Always Wins book. I guess I didn’t edit it too well as she found some typos. She is going to read the book and then edit it for me. I can always upload changes to the book. I sent her the word doc for the book so she will get back to me when she is done reading it. She said she is advertising my book to anyone that might be interested in it. I thought that was sweet of her. The sales haven’t been so great on this book so any advertising would be awesome.

long ass day and dental problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long ass day and dental problems

Because my medication alarm is annoying, I got up around 8 even though I didn’t want to. I took a shower and I was exhausted. I wanted to go back to bed but I really wanted to get my haircut early. I caught the next bus and found that the shop didn’t open till 10. I went to Starbucks and had breakfast.

Around 10, I went to the barber shop and got my haircut. I still had time before my psych appt so I went back to Starbucks for a coffee. Should not have done that. My heart was pounding by the time I saw my psych. Before I saw her, I went to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescriptions, least I thought there would be 2. There was one so I went back. The idiot medical assistant was confused about the two medication so only printed out one and of course my PCP wasn’t there to sign for it. I’d have to have another doc sign. I have to go back Monday to pick it up. I will run out by then. I am beyond pissed.

I talked a lot with my psych. I told her about the gender dysphoria I was having this week as my breasts seem to weigh a hundred pounds. I hate looking at them so I avoid putting my head down. It was awful showering as one was more tender than the other. I really can’t wait to have them cut off. Don’t know when that will be but I hope it will be within a good time frame once I start testosterone.

We also talked about the idiot therapist place that said I was too sick. A friend suggested I write a blog. I tried working on it while I was at Starbucks but nothing came to me as I just thought about my ex-therapist. It made me sad. I miss her so much. She sent off a refill for my Zoloft as that is the only medication that I need at the moment. I don’t have any refills left on it and it will need to be refilled before she is back from vacation.

After the appt, I went to mall to get my sunglasses fixed. I was so tired despite the caffeine intake. I hope I sleep good tonight and am not in too much pain. My mother made fish for dinner and as I was eating, some of the food irritated my gumline. It has been sore for more than a week now so I looked at it and it looks like I have an abscess. Wonderful. Guess I’ll be seeing the dentist on Monday rather than Thursday. I don’t think I can risk waiting that long.

I won’t be doing anything the rest of the night. I thought about taking another shower to get rid of the excess hair on my head but I used a facecloth to scrub it off. My hair is short anyways. I was too tired to take one. Sox are playing tonight so I will listen to the game. While on the bus ride home, a passenger accidently kicked my foot so I am sore and then my phone fell on it. So in addition to walking all over the place, I really hope pain doesn’t flare up. I took my pain meds soon as I got home. I might take the strong pain pill as a precaution. I had to take some ibuprofen while I was eating dinner as I haven’t taken any all day. Because I had food in my stomach, I took 800 mg. I usually take 600 mg when I haven’t eaten. I ate a lot of fish as it was really good and I didn’t have lunch.

Tomorrow is the cruise. I hope I am not in a lot of pain. I have been looking forward to this for a while now. A former coworker of mine will be going so it will be good to see her. I just hope the weather will be good. Rain will kill cause me so much pain but it’s supposed to be humid so we’ll see. I am so excited. My sister wants to go to Legal Seafood before the cruise. I’ll just have their clam chowder. I am not big on their food. Last time I ate there I had fried clams and it was not seasoned with anything but flour. It was awful. My sister like their lobster rolls. I am not a lobster fan so don’t get the appeal.

Out of memory

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

I had 21 updates to my apps on my phone and nearly half of them didn’t go through because I don’t have enough internal memory on my phone. I just spent the last half hour trying to make space and didn’t get anywhere. Will have to go through my apps and see what can be transferred to my external memory card.

I had such a hard time last night that I barely remember freaking out. I didn’t get discharged today as it was too soon, I’m suicidal, and they want to see if the new med works. I wish the doc I had today was the regular doc. He is so easy to work with. He changed the med order so I can have one of my pain meds every 6 hrs up to 4 times a day. I’m glad or I would have insisted on being discharged. 

I so wish I brought some shorts rather than long pants. It’s hot on the unit as the AC isn’t working well. I hate being hot. The only pair of shorts I have are my Jean shorts which is not very comfy after a while. 

I’m still in a lot of pain. My ankle crapped out on me in the morning so had to wear the AFO the rest of the day. Even then, it didn’t stop my ankle from hurting but did prevent me from having to limp. I’m really fluctuating between feeling ok and intensely suicidal. I still want to purchase my lethal method Amazon. I think I told the doc what I planned on doing. Tomorrow I will have the regular doc that can be temperamental with me. So far, no one has shown me any coping skills to help me deal with the pain and suicidal urges. I think the social worker is useless. I so wish I had the team I had my last admission. They were great and actually wanted to help me.

I’m kind of feeling dissociative tonight. I just feel so spacey and like things are out of reach. I also feel really hopeless. I was talking to a gay woman who is married to a transman. We exchanged contact info tonight. It was good talking to her tonight as she gets it. I told her I planned on changing my name soon. It was a hassle for her husband but glad it was done. I just hope I can have the guts to do it. It will be a big step for me.

I am so not used to writing my blog from my phone or my Kindle. I mostly use the WordPress app to check my stats. Not write blogs. Stupid phone likes to change words on me so I have to really pay attention while writing. Today I have zero tolerance for errors so I am getting frustrated. 

Saturday Blog 85

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 85

I had a fairly good sleep, though I did wake up around 0500 in pain. I was able to get back to sleep until 1300. I made coffee. My mother came home and said she needed somethings at Walgreens. I told her I would go. I drank my coffee enough so I could put the lid on and got dressed. It was really muggy and I was sweating by the time I got to the store. I got everything she needed and bought myself some turkey bacon. I haven’t had it in a while.

I came home and my shirt was soaked with sweat. I cooled off a bit and then decided to change my sheets. I didn’t have any problems, though my hip was aching me. I then decided to shower. My mother said I had to clean the shower floor because it was dirty from my feet. I don’t understand her logic. After I finished shaving my head, I showered and then cleaned the shower floor. We really need a mat as the floor can be slippery at times. I didn’t get dressed because it was too hot. I told my mother if she showered to be careful as it might be slippery. I then went upstairs to my cold room to get dressed.

I decided I was going to order Pad Thai for a reward for changing my sheets. I checked off medium as a spice level. It was hotter than I thought it would be! Next time, I am ordering mild. My mouth is still burning me. I didn’t finish it but I knew I wasn’t going to reheat it so I tossed what was left.

I was watching the game while waiting for the food and eating it. They currently are losing 1-0. But it’s still early in the game. My head is filled with music and it’s driving me nuts. So I put on my MP3 player. I need music to counteract the music in my head. I think I am getting a migraine. My head hurts. I am really tired from everything that I have done today.

It’s too early to take my night meds, though I would if I could. I am in pain but it’s tolerable. I am not going to do anything the rest of the night. I might read a few chapters of “the Adventures of Maya the Bee”. I would like to finish this book. It’s a cute little story about this bee that goes out of the hive and decides she is not going to return. Every adventure is meeting up with a new insect. She really wants to see what humans are like as she has heard conflicting stories about them.

For some reason, I have been having breast pain and I don’t know why. It is really annoying. I really would love to cut the suckers off. I fucking hate them. I was looking at top surgeons and there are none in the Boston area. There was one in Brookline but he won’t see overweight people. I think I am a little ways from having surgery anyway. I want to be on testosterone for a while before I think of surgery. I have no idea if my insurance will cover it or not. I still would love to lose some weight. I really have to control my eating habits and stop eating desserts. It’s hard though because I love desserts and ice cream. I am still eating my lemon lasagna that I made the other day. No one else is eating it so it’s all mine. I usually have a slice for breakfast. Not the best, I know but it’s so good. It’s almost gone and I won’t make another dessert for now.