Tag: transgender

ramblings 33

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Been thinking back on the past to write my book. I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing that I can’t remember the last few years at all. I remember some stuff but I don’t remember what classes I was taking at the time all this stuff was happening. What was going on at work. How I truly felt about things. My therapist has my journals at that time frame I am writing about now but there is no way I can go out and get them. I suppose I could go out Tuesday if I wake up early enough. It would be good to take the long drive. I miss being on the road but I just can’t afford a vehicle right now.

Today has been productive as I wrote a few pages about my past. It was difficult because as I said I don’t remember what I was feeling and I was trying to capture it again. I tried my best to write what I do remember and how quirky my therapist was.

I’m bored because the baseball game is not on until tonight. I was hoping for a 1 pm game. Just something to pass the time but all I can do is play my games. I could try cleaning my room but it is too overwhelming for me. Yesterday I slept all day. I had coffee today so I am pretty wired. I guess I could rearrange my bookcase and see where that gets me. I want to go out but it’s cold out. And I just don’t feel like getting dressed. Plus my stomach isn’t feeling too good so to avoid an accident, I think I will stay home.

I want to try and avoid a nap. That was my downfall yesterday. I should have gotten up and had coffee. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so tired. I really did need the rest though because of Wed and Thursday being days I really had to go into town. I had appointments both those days. My eye exam Thursday took forever. I swear I had the slowest intern in the world. I have to have visual therapy but I don’t think I can afford it. My insurance doesn’t cover it. It barely covered my eye exam. I had a $40 co-pay so that meant this place was out of network. Sucks. I can’t say that I liked the doctor or not. I barely saw him for more than a few minutes. If I can manage a few sessions with him for the visual therapy I think that I can manage that. But we will see…

Wednesday I had group therapy. It went well, I guess. I still felt really suicidal afterwards which I still have no idea why I do. But I managed to handle it without calling my therapist. I don’t know if it is because of the transgender that I feel suicidal or the fact that I am still being referred to as a female that is bothering me but I talked a little about where I am at with the transgender. I had little feedback but I was respected. I had a member tell me about breast binding and did a Google search. Those things are not cheap!! I don’t know if I can afford things anymore as my benefits are getting slashed. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even going to group next week is going to be tough because I am running out of cash for co-pays. I can probably get the money from my sister as I paid for dinner last night.

Now that the group knows I am transgender, I wonder if I can move forward and get the services for me, like getting the hormones but I have heard other transgendered folk having trouble because of their psychiatric illness. I hope that they don’t take my psych history into account but seeing as I am suicidal nearly every day, I don’t know how they can deny me. 85% of the reason why I am suicidal is because I am not a male.

I know I should probably take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I just don’t really feel like doing anything. I just want to be on the computer and maybe go out later for my walk around the block but that is questionable as it is supposed to snow. And it is bitter cold out. I hate walking in cold weather because it gives me bad back spasms.

the end

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

I have not been feeling too hot the past day or so. I went to group yesterday and it was a disaster, though most of it was good…in other respects. I got call Mike and I could see a lot of heads and eyes turning. People were respectful but I could see that all they saw was a female and not a man. That killed me and so I plan on ending my life soon because I just can’t live like this anymore. It is obvious that I can never be seen as a male, just an overweight female. And that hurts way too much for me take.

Nemo, The Blizzard of 2013, New England

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, transgender, writing

Nemo, The Blizzard of 2013, New England

I have lived in Boston most of my life and the craziness every time the word “snow” is mentioned is wicked funny. People go crazy in the stores thinking the world is going to end. They buy ridiculous amounts of milk, eggs, bread and other items that will probably go bad if the power goes out during the supposed storm. I have been taking pictures since noon time to compare the accumulation for my friends in the UK and elsewhere. It is kind of fun doing so.

Right now I am installing software on my old laptop because the software is not compatible on my new laptop. I have to get a newer version for it but I am not going to pay another $80 USD for this software when my old laptop can still run it. Even if I did it would take me years to figure it out like when I first bought this software. I just wanted to burn CD’s. And it was complicated. I needed the 200 page manual to figure it out. I am not a software geek that is for sure.

On a personal note, I am a man again! My 7 and a half week siege of the menses has ceased. I can now go back to my manly clothing. I am so happy I think it knocked out the cutting urges finally. I still feel depressed but it’s just my normal level of depression. Though the psychache is still there. That has not lifted at all. I don’t think that ever will. It’s always there like a monkey on my back. I am going to try and work in a shower today. I really need it and then I can slip into my boxers again. I am so relieved that stopping the OCP’s worked. I was really getting worried that something was wrong.

blah 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Mood has shifted just a little bit but I still have not left the house for anything. I just feel like my world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it. Least today the numbness wore off just a little bit to let some feelings in so I can write a bit.

Got a bunch of paperwork, one for the group therapy place and the other from my long term disability place. Each packet is like twenty pages. I have my work cut out for me. Though I hardly have the energy to do it. I still need to get my taxes done. I keep saying tomorrow and tomorrow comes and goes. I feel weighed down though I don’t know from what.

I stopped taking the birth control pill last night to hurry things up. I figure there is no point taking them for the rest of the week if I am just going to stop them anyway. I’m kind of scared because I don’t know what kind of havoc this is going to place on me mentally. So far there has been no change in my menses and thankfully I don’t have any cramps. But the wearing of female products I still killing me. I just have gotten so used to not having a menstrual cycle that now it just feels so overwhelming. It’s making me so depressed and suicidal that all I can think about is ending my life because I don’t want to go through with this. That is what my suicidality is truly about. Not being able to cope with my false identity. And I am really pissed off that no one really cares except for my therapist. She is kind of freaked out right now as my mood is unpredictable. I know my friend that I have been writing with is kind of worried too though she is pretending she is not. I just don’t have many people to talk to about this. I feel that it’s too much information or just to hard to try and explain.

I just don’t know if I will be ok during this period. I know my shrink is worried since my post the beginning of the week. I still want to cut but the feeling come and go. I haven’t yet but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I hate that I love walking about in t-shirts all the time. If I start wearing long sleeve shirts my family might notice something off. Cutting is a huge thing to cover up. I used to not care when I was a teen, but now that I am an adult it still is kind of hard to cover up when you have a 7 yr old that smells band aids a mile a way.