Tag: transgender

today’s therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Like every Tuesday afternoon, I had therapy with a crazy therapist. Today she really annoyed the crap out of me because she wanted to know what was inhibiting me from seeking help. I had asked her why I was in therapy. I don’t feel like I need therapy anymore yet I am chronically suicidal and depressed at times. I constantly think of ending my life. I don’t know why I asked her this. It started a fight as she got into one of her raves and it killed me hearing her listing all the reasons I need therapy. Made me sound like a big psycho. I just feel like I am wasting her time. I feel like I am a worthless loser who just is never going to get better.
I told her I told my sister I wanted to be Mike. I thought she was going to have a breakdown. She got so happy and said that I am making progress. But then I told her the downfall of it. I overdosed most of the weekend to escape from the pain I was feeling and I don’t mean the chronic physical pain I normally deal with. I was just overwhelmed with everything I didn’t want to face the world. SO I didn’t. I drugged myself to oblivion. I honestly don’t remember much about this past weekend. I know I wrote four blogs in one day. I don’t even remember what they were about. I totally checked out in my own way. I think I dissociated. It was the most painful experience I ever had and the weird part of it all was that my sister was accepting of it. She was ok with me being Mike but she told me the unpleasant side of things with my mother and my other sister and that I just couldn’t face. That was what I felt so painful. I just wanted to check out. I couldn’t stand myself for saying something. I was completely mentally exhausted from the conversation with my sister. I couldn’t and still can’t really do much of anything but stare out into space. Not working doesn’t help. I have no place I can go to get away from my feelings or from myself. I no longer have the luxury of losing myself in a pile of samples. SO I did some self harming. I checked out by taking a bunch of pills to deal with the pain of coming out as a transgender.

I told my therapist all this. She was happy but not really that I had checked out most of the weekend. But I didn’t cut like I had wanted to. I knew that if I did there would be no stopping me. I wouldn’t stop. It would be like cocaine, once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. I would need to cut more and more to get the feeling of nothing. Those that cut know what I am talking about.

The end of the session my therapist got tearful and I’m not sure why. I think she was happy I was progressing along with the transgender stuff but I am not sure. I know two months ago I wouldn’t even think about it. But seeing as I set a date on killing myself, I want to see how far along I can go with this transgender transitioning. If I can progress toward it maybe I won’t have to kill myself, but that is no guarantee that I will not kill myself sooner. I still have thoughts and urges of hanging myself. I hope that I don’t but you never know.

Ramblings 23

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender, writing

Seeing as I didn’t go to bed till six this morning, I fell asleep only to wake up at 10 and then 12 then at 4. I didn’t go to Walgreens like I had planned. But I did take a shower and brush my teeth.
I watched the football game, well the Patriots one as always. I am so happy they won. It was an awesome game.
At around 5 this morning I took some more neurontin, about 1500 mg. that is my normal dose. I took it to get some sleep but it back fired and I hardly slept at all. I am just so tired even though I slept in intervals. I hope I don’t have an all nighter tonight. I am feeling still out of it like Neurontin makes me. I keep bumping into things like a drunk person. My mother mad me mad and so I punched the wall. She was blaming me for the settings on the tv. She messes them up then blames me for it. I hate her for it. And it’s so damn simple if she would just pay attention but no it’s better to yell and scream at me for doing something that I didn’t do.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. It is going to be interesting because my therapist left her a voicemail and I sent her one of my blogs. She didn’t send the police after me so I guess that is a good thing. But she does know about my plan to kill myself later this year is all doesn’t go well. Right now that plan seems far away. I know some people will hate me for it but if I can’t be who I am going to be then I am just going to end it. Screw everything. I won’t have a life anyways.

coping skills not working

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

I have been depressed for the past few days and my coping skills are not working. Because of this I thought about cutting my wrist but instead I mixed my meds up a bit and slept. I guess you can say that I was a drunk because all I did in the morning was stumble around.
I didn’t plan on doing this I just couldn’t cope with the pain of living anymore. I needed an escape and I needed it badly. I know I could have called my psychiatrist or therapist but most likely they would have said go to the ER. The ER is useless. You wait for hours to be seen because more urgent cases take precedent and because you are not actively doing anything to harm yourself you just are forced to sit and wait. Then when you get put into a room you are searched, made to give a urine sample and might have blood drawn if they think you need to be admitted. Or you might have blood drawn anyways if you overdosed like I did last night. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to cut really bad and I knew that if I did and I needed stitched I would be screwed. Least with OD’g you don’t leave scars. I didn’t OD with the plan to kill myself. I just wanted an escape for a few hours as things have been shitty the past few days. I told my sister that I wanted to be a man. She asked if me if I was sure. I started to break down. Obviously I wasn’t that obvious to my family. I was just a tomboy that never grew out of it. Except tomboys don’t usually wear men’s clothes all the time. This has been the most difficult conversation that I have had in a long time, since I came out as being gay. I refuse to use the word lesbian because I am a male not a female.
I want to be able to tell my family this year because I will be going to a clinic soon as I get the guts to call to make an appointment. I don’t want to start the hormones and then questioning me why I have facial hair. I have a little facial hair now but it’s kind of stupid looking because there is a space in the middle of it.
I just want to be myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. The only person getting hurt is me because I can’t be who I am. That is why I want to cut, want to OD, want to kill myself. Though I still feel like it would be better to bury me as their “daughter” than as their “son”. My parents are of the old generation. They don’t understand things of today. Much less gender identity disorder or being transgender. Right now I guess you can say that I am just a crossdresser except my damn boobs get in the way of that. How I loathe my boobs. It is one part that I hate the most. I want to look at my chest and see nothing but my pectoral muscles, not breast material.
The biggest question so far that I have had since coming out as transgender is when am I going to have surgery. Are you kidding me? Let me get used to being freely who I am first!! Let me try the hormones first and see how they work. I hate to think of surgery before hormone replacement and most surgeons won’t do it unless you truly have been living as the opposite sex for some time. It is not an easy thing to go through. And mentally it messes with you big time.
I know this road I have been on is the right now. My sister was worried that it is going to mess with my depression. What she doesn’t realize is that part of my depression is not being who I truly am.

a bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, medical, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Been in a funk the past two days. I have ben really down because of the condition I have called CES, or Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have had to bladder accidents that have cut my mood to shreds. Then in my dreariness, I told one of my sisters that I wanted to be Mike. She was supportive but didn’t understand that the reason why I have been so miserable is because of being in the wrong body. I cried myself to sleep last night only to wake up at two o’clock in the morning. I didn’t fall back asleep until six thirty. I hate the disrupted sleep.
Now that she knows, I feel relieved but I have the urge to cut really bad. I hate myself and want relief. The only way I have been able to do that in the past is by cutting. But I am afraid that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I took some meds to help calm me down but they have not kicked in yet. I have been up since nine thirty and really just don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep but I am not. I played some online poker and lost a big amount of chips. Not a big deal as it’s not real money. I can always get it back or buy more chips.
I have been playing on the computer most of the morning trying to get rid of the awfulness that I feel. But nothing is working. I’m looking at razors and bandages. I am imagining how it will feel and if I will need stitches. That will suck as I will most likely be hospitalized. I should pack a bag just in case so my family knows what I need. I know I have a lot of writing to do but right now I just can’t do it. I don’t have the energy. I really want to go off on a person in the CESSG group for being a whinebag. She is complaining about everything that is wrong with her life. I hate people like that. Most of it has NOTHING to do with CES and that bothers me.
I still want to end my life. Nothing has changed my plans for my date with death. I have to have this just so that I can live. Surprisingly it is a national day of something. I forget what it was but it was pretty funny. I really have to decide what I want to do today to harm myself. I feel like I deserve it. The pain that I feel is intense and I can’t bear it too much longer, though I am trying. Though any time I talk about suicide or cutting pain is usually involved. It’s not a physical type of pain. Just a kind of heartache that won’t go away.
I am happy that I am transitioning but it’s hard as hell. One of my aunts suggested I say a Hail Mary ten times a day. I have been out of the Catholic church for years and the only way for me to remember the word is to look them up. I am not going to do that because I do not believe in prayer. I am not a religious person in the least. I wish people would just listen to me and not have too much to say other than they understand. Is that too much to ask. Most people when they open up to issues like I am describing just need an ear to vent out their frustration and maybe a shoulder to cry on. They don’t need their problem fixed or delegated to someone else. They just need support to get through that moment of time they are in distress.