Tag: writing

tg issues, weekend, and sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

TG issues, weekend, and sleep

To my regular readers, I apologize for not writing as often I should. I am in the throws of another depression brought about by who knows what but I am pretty sure it has to do with my mobility issues and not being able to go to Starbucks as much as I would like. To further complicate matters, there will soon be a bridge on the main road taken out to accommodate the new public transportation line that the scum bag mayor wants. It will be a longer route to the Square (I am told by a friend). This will be the middle of March and will supposedly last for a year. I have never seen bridges taken down and rebuilt in a year’s time so we’ll see.

I also have sort of lost interest in blogging. I knew if I stopped blogging every day this would happen. And it happened. I think there were three days where I didn’t blog or just posted a pic. But it is hard to continue to write when there is little to no feedback. For a while I was writing just for the sake of writing. I kept track of my stats and there were few people who read the blog for that day or the day after. But no likes or comments. I thought I was okay with it and part of me is, but there are some days where I feel like no one will care if I just stopped writing. Hence my little hiatus every now and then. Some days I just write to give an update on what is going on. I hardly every write a blog about the chronic pain and how awful it is. I might but not in the moment because I can get suicidal very quickly, if I am not already suicidal. So if you don’t see me post, this is why. I am either in a rut of depression or I just am not up to blogging.

I’ve been thinking more about top surgery. I asked my sisters what did they think and my youngest was like if you have it done, I need to know so I can take off work. She didn’t care, I guess. Then she asked me if I wanted to be in more pain than I am in. This further made me realize she has no clue about CRPS and how it is. I most likely will be in pain post op from my surgery. But it won’t last forever and I will eventually heal, maybe have to go to PT for a bit, and then be who I am meant to be, provided everything goes according to plan. So, in reality, the decision is mine and only mine to make. Still would like to have some support on the issue, which is what I was looking for. I don’t think “hurry up and give me a date so I can take off work” was what I was looking for.

My middle sister will soon be living here with one or two of her kids. I am not sure. But this is going to be stressful because my sister yells at her kids all the fucking time and has no respect for others but herself. I am hoping she will be living with us just long enough for her to save up the money she needs to get an apartment for herself. I also hope they don’t think they can turn my office into a bedroom because that isn’t going to happen! I am not looking forward to this. The only benefit will be that she will help my mother more than I could, in regards to doing the laundry and dishes and maybe dusting. With these changes, I am not sure I will go ahead and have surgery as it will be quite crowded in the house.

Since Thursday, I have been recovering. Yesterday I went out to get a few things at the grocery store. Last week my sister bought me 5 powerades and they were bad. They were supposed to be lemon-lime but tasted like orange. One I had to throw out because I felt like it was burning my tongue. Another one or two, I diluted with water and that was okay. So yesterday while I was at the store, I bought a few more and looked at the lot number to make sure it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t so I bought three. I also bought my coffee that I was out of.

I pretty much had a resting weekend. Yesterday when I was doing my PT exercises, I still couldn’t move my foot outward without pain. I haven’t tried to do my exercises today yet. I still need to fill my meds boxes for the week. I am officially off the Trileptal. I am kind of sad about this because I have been on it for so long and now I am no longer on it. I hope I won’t have withdrawal symptoms from it. My psychiatrist and I went very slow with it, like we are doing with the Lamictal. I started with 100 mg last week. I think it is adding to my constipation as it has been really hard to go since I have started it. Usually fiber pills save me but even then it takes a few days to work and then I feel awful. I still haven’t found the right combo. I had take two senna today and still nothing! Hope I go later tonight or tomorrow. I hate being backed up.

New PCP and of course, pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender, writing

New PCP and of course, pain

I had two appointments today, one for PT and then another with a new PCP. PT went okay. By the time I reached the train station after, I had to take off the support for my ankle I was wearing. It was causing too much heel pain. When I got to the hospital for the pcp (primary care provider) appointment, I took some pain meds and ibuprofen. My heel felt like it was being split in half. I have no idea how I endured this much pain without passing out. I used the walker as I navigated the hospital. I only went in the hospital rather than the streets because it snowed last night and I wasn’t sure how the sidewalks would be. I also didn’t want the wheels to get salt on them.

I was seen rather quickly. I was met with a social worker and the doctor. They introduced themselves and told me more about the transgender program as well as the services they provided. They offered counseling and I asked if I could meet with someone as I was having difficulty with my current one. I did mention that I was having mobility issues so it was okay if I didn’t see them right away. I also asked her if there was a way to deal with financial issues as I really would like to start saving some money a month but currently I can’t because I am an impulsive spender due to my mental illness. She said we could meet to work it out. She said she would set up the time and then send me a message when she did as she didn’t have her calendar in front of her.

She left and then the doctor examined me while talking some more about things. He agreed to take over my pain management. I was so happy. He asked about top surgery and we talked about it for a bit. He said I would need a note from my psychiatrist before I could have it. Then it would be some working with my insurance to pay for it. I am excited about this but as I was emailing my psych to tell her about him, I kind of realized I don’t know if I am as ready as I think I am. I mean, things have been moving so fast since Oct. I am not sure I want to have surgery after being on testosterone for only four months! I haven’t really thought what it will be like after my chest is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I want these guys gone, but I am sort of attached to them! It is weird. I have to think about it some more. I do kind of wish I had my therapist to talk to just to bounce ideas off him. But I don’t right now. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about it that isn’t coercive about it. The social work did mention a group that is at the hospital that is just transmen to talk and support one another. I am going to look into it. It would be nice to meet others going through this that are around my age. We joked about it as I often get the younger look and I am not that young! She said she was a few months older than I was. I found that funny because she didn’t look her age either!

I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist but I see her next week. I feel like she is my only support right now as I am not seeing my therapist due to mobility issues. This is the first time I have been without a therapist because I couldn’t walk to their office. Makes me miss my former therapist all the more because we had phone sessions. I have no idea what kind of therapist the social worker has in mind that I see or where. The hospital is a huge place with office space all over the area. I can talk to my psychiatrist, she is easy going about it. I just don’t know if I am ready for the conversation with her. We have never discussed this subject before though when I asked her to change my sex on my license, she was more than willing to do so. She is okay with me being a different sex for than when she first met me 26 years ago. I really wonder if they ask kids how they feel about themselves if they have problems. I know that if I was asked when I was 19 or so if I felt comfortable being a female or not, I know I would have answered yes. I remember having to go through a pap smear even though I wasn’t sexually active and then being placed on birth control pills because I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I asked my psychiatrist treating me in the hospital if it would change me into a woman, basically, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that because I didn’t want to sound crazy. When she read my memoir a couple years ago, she said it made sense now rather than then and I saw her for three years. I don’t know if I would gone through transition then as my mother was not cool with my sexuality. But she isn’t happy now with me being me either. I just don’t know about what will happen when my boobs are gone. I have thought about it in passing but now that the surgery is like yeah when do you want to talk to the surgeon, I am taken aback. I guess part of me is still waiting for someone to say to me you are a female not a male get with the program or something. But I can’t help but feel masculine. I don’t like being female. I am not female. I am a male. I just don’t know about things right now. I think I want to wait till I feel comfortable talking to my psych before I talk to a surgeon.

I have my friend’s husband reading my Darkness Always Wins book. He is giving me some insights into it. He is honest about it but I can tell it is hard. I just bluntly write shit. I guess that is why my story hasn’t been written. It also doesn’t help that the T is redoing the bridge on the main street that takes me to the Square. I am so upset that I won’t be going to Starbucks as frequently as I was. Since my therapist and I have halted sessions, I haven’t been to the square as much. I am so depressed about this. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. I might have to seriously have money put aside for Uber (and stick with it!) just to go to another Starbucks that is hard to get to due to a long walk. On days I am okay, it might be okay to walk that far but on a regular basis, no way. And I would seriously have to commit to writing on my story and not play on my phone while there. I want my brain emptied! So to speak…

wanting to hide under the couch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Wanting to hide under the couch

Yesterday after I left my PT office, I was walking to the grocery store and I took a nosedive to the ground. My left foot didn’t clear the damn sidewalk because it was unlevel. Most of the sidewalks in the area are like that and I tweeted to the city about how awful their streets are but of course, no response because they are assholes. Today I am so sore. Every muscle hurts. But I had to see my psychiatrist so went. I had decided to wear the new brace I bought but I must have had it too tight or maybe it is too small, either way when I got to the hospital, I took the sucker off. I won’t be wearing it again.

My psych appointment went well until she asked me when my next book was coming out. I panicked and swear I wanted to hide under the couch I was sitting on. I told her about the story I had in my head but it was too emotional to write but am trying to find a way to do that so I don’t go nuts. I don’t know if this story, when it gets written, will be published. I think if you have been following my blog, you know my dilemma surrounding that issue. There are characters that I am not sure I can use without infringing on copyrights. I might change names if I have to, which is easy enough. Or just use their rank, now that I think about it. I don’t know. Everything is up in the air and stuff. So we discussed that and whatever I do, she will support me. HA I think she is bias but what do I know. This is our 26th Anniversary. We don’t know the exact date but know it is the beginning of February. I am grateful she is still working with me.

On the way home, I thought my legs were going to collapse. I had been leaning on one or the other. Using a cane wasn’t helpful. It just caused me more pain. I am definitely using a walker when I see the PT next week and I told her so. She said it was a good idea seeing as I have had balance issues. She did show me ways of turning so I don’t fall. It is all because my ankles are being taxed too much. So until my right leg is strong enough, I have to do what I can in the form of using aids. She wants me to bring in the walker I am using so that it is right for me and that I am using it right, I guess. Next week is going to be tough because I have PT and then I need to see my new PCP, I hope. His office is further from the train station and I know after PT I am going to need the support of the walker as a cane is just not going to be steady enough.

I am in mega pain. My left ankle had started to hurt soon as I woke this morning when my med alarm went off. Miraculously, I had slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I had only gotten 2 hours sleep yesterday so I was glad I got more than 6 hours today. I took my night meds early as well as other stuff to try and calm down this flare I am having. My foot feels like it is going to cramp awfully bad at any moment. And the fall I took didn’t help matters. My left arm too the majority of the weight as well as my knees which are a nice shade of black at the moment. My left arm is sore as well as my left shoulder. I had placed a call to my mother and just putting the phone to my ear hurt and caused pain across my clavicle (collar bone to all you non-medical people). I hope I didn’t damage anything and it is just sore from using my backpack. I had my backpack on me yesterday which clunked me in the head and then fell on my neck. My neck is also sore but not as much as my limbs. I didn’t have my cane with me so had to hunker home without it. Then I had to go to urgent care because I thought I broke one of my knuckles as there was a pinching at the bone and it was swollen. Such awful fall but thankfully nothing is broken just sore as hell. I am not doing anything this weekend. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get what I needed but couldn’t carry with me but it can wait. I am just mad that in my hurry to get home, I didn’t purchase the roast beef I wanted! I went to the deli and put it on the holder thing but just rang up the Powerade, paid, and left without the roast beef! I didn’t realize it until I was on the waiting for the bus at the train station. Stupid me. I will get it probably Monday when my muscles have a chance to recuperate.

Meds are kicking in and I haven’t had supper or anything to eat since 11 am. I am hungry but don’t think I can go downstairs. I don’t want food in my room. I don’t think my mother can make it up the stairs anyways. She is having a hard time getting around worse than me but won’t go to PT or see the doctor about it. She just uses the walker around the house. We share it LOL. When she isn’t using it, I will. I am getting so sleepy that I don’t think going downstairs is a good idea. I have peanut butter protein bars in my room but lately they have been bothering my stomach, even though I drink a lot of fluid to help it digest better. I don’t know why peanut butter is bothering my stomach so much lately. I love it but I guess my stomach doesn’t anymore. Think I will nap and if I wake up later, I will go eat if my legs don’t fall off.

harrowing friggen day part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Harrowing friggin day part 2

So Thursday I saw my neuro. I took my walker because I knew I was going to be hurting walking to the hospital and back. It was a good idea because it also meant I got a seat and the T driver of the trolley waited for me. That was really nice of him. The appointment sucked. She had the basics of CRPS but couldn’t really treat the new symptoms I was having so just said to take Neurontin 3 times a day and have the PT I am seeing use the TENS machine on my foot. I don’t think PT will be able to do this because I am seeing them for my right foot not my left. The PT has told me that they cannot work on two limbs at the same time, the insurance just won’t pay for it. So I am not sure what will happen when I see the PT on Tuesday. I walked away cursing and by the time I got home, I was in so much pain, I just wanted to take my meds and go to bed, which I wanted so badly to do but pain stopped me. I had woken up at 5 am and reached the overtired phase. I couldn’t sleep. I think around 330-345 I laid down but pain caused me to sit up again. By this time it was after 5 am so I was up for 24 hours for the first time ever. When I finally fell asleep, I didn’t wake up until after 1 pm. I stayed up for a few hours and tried to go back to sleep before midnight but that didn’t happen.

Friday I was in no mood to do anything. I was still in pain and I was taking a lot of Neurontin to cope (also hoping it would knock me out). I wanted to shower but I knew that if I tried to stand, I would pay. I had taken a shower the day before and before I even left the house, I was in a lot of pain. This didn’t bode well as it was before noon. The weather has been up and down like crazy. There were a few days that were in the 60s and then it went down to 30s on Thursday so I knew that was one reason. It didn’t improve much the last two days as it got really cold but up to the 50s then back down again. I think it went down to 28 degrees last night. It was so cold, I wore a knitted hat, mostly because I just shaved my head and the coldness in my room made me feel cold. I wore a thermal shirt all weekend. I slept most of the day yesterday. I kind of knew I would because it is always the day after that I am super sleepy for being sleep deprived.

Today I woke up at 7 to use the bathroom and then went back to sleep. I took my morning meds and then passed out. I woke up again at noon. I wasn’t really hungry but I definitely wanted coffee. I had a pop tart. My mother was finishing lunch and watching a Hallmark movie with Kelly Martin playing detective. There was a Matthew playing and my mother thought it was McConaughey. I had to look up the series to find the actor because she didn’t believe me that it wasn’t him. He is too big of an actor to play on Hallmark. I remember to seeing Kelly Martin on the 7th Heaven. She was a teen then. She looks so much older on the series so I looked her up and found she was only two months older than I am! Shit! I never knew that. I guess people age differently even if they are born the same year as you.

I wanted to make cookies today but after I had my coffee, I didn’t want to do anything. I woke up with my upper right arm being itchy. I asked my mother if something was there and she said I had a rash. I was nervous as the Lamictal can cause rashes. I took a shower hoping to wash away the irritant. It has so far, stopped itching. I hope no where else itches because I really don’t want to be allergic to this drug. I have been on it for 5 weeks now. Today will be the start of the 6th, which reminds me I need to do my med boxes. I want to clean the blades of my ceiling fan as they are full of dust. But I need to find the duster and the cloth thing that goes with it. I know the vicinity where they are. I just am too lazy to get up and do it. The shower wiped me out. Maybe I will do it later. I just want to read my book today. I am getting behind in my reading as I didn’t read for three days. I wanted to read while riding to my neuro appointment but I just ended up listening to music. I also found that some music was missing again. GGRRRR I had to uninstall/reinstall the Amazon app. I decided to move the music to a different folder so if I have to do it again, I won’t lose the music again, hopefully. I don’t know why the music file is different than it was. It has a bunch of letters and then the artist/album/song.mp3. Maybe that is so people won’t distribute the music? I don’t know. I have transferred the files to different media (like my SD card and other phones) and the tracks still work. Nix the dusting. Ankle just started hurting, the fucker.

I sort of joined this writing community on Twitter. I followed a bunch of authors and have been picking up some info about writing and the publishing. One person I just followed is also an editor willing to edit your book. I thought that was neat. I asked how much she charges, like per word or word count. She was vague and just said word count. I am not sure I trust someone that is vague. I don’t have anything in progress. I want to start on this story that I started last year but never went back to. I still am not sure if it is worth writing or not. I honestly don’t know if I will just write it just to get it out of my head and then have no one see it or what. I really don’t know if I can publish it because I might be infringing copyrights and stuff. That is the one setback in why I haven’t written. I would hate to write all this stuff and get emotional just for it to sit on my hard drive or other media because of this. But then, I can write it and just be done with it. If it gets published one day, fine. If not, then so be it. I really need to find out about it and I should ask someone who has written with these characters before. I just don’t know if he will talk to me or not.