Tag: writing

death of a good man

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, medical

7-Feb-2011
Found out today that my godfather passed away due to a blood clot. It happened so sudden and his wife was real freaked out as he died right in front of her. She was in shock when I talked with her, not that I blame her. She is a good woman. She was more concerned with us than with herself.
After I talked with her, I watched the superbowl game. I guess it was to get my mind of losing my Godfather who I loved very much. I just talked with him around Thanksgiving. I feel really bad now that I didn’t get to see him around Christmas like I had hoped to. My godfather was a funny fellow. He would talk with such intelligence and seriousness and yet still get what you were saying. His mind wasn’t what it used to be. I would have to tell him who I was and what I was doing every time I called as he didn’t remember. Alzheimer’s is like that. It runs in my family on both sides so I know the chances are great that I may have the gene for it.
I called out for half this week. I am more depressed than I was and I just can’t function right now when I know I have a wake and funeral to go to. I want to be there for my godfather’s wife but my car is in the shop so there is no way of me getting there. She lives in Westwood, which isn’t close to Boston. I guess I will just have to see what to do. I’m just glad he didn’t suffer.

11-14-2012
Yesterday would have been my godfather’s 85th Birthday. I think of him every day and it’s hard this time of year because we used to get together on his birthday. It was really the only time I got to see him. I am sad that he is no longer with us but seeing as he was declining, I am glad he is in a better place.

I sprained my good ankle the other day. I am not happy about it because I feel more with this ankle than my left. Now I don’t know which one to limp on. I might have to wear the boot to stabilize it even though I know it will cause me more pain in other areas. I will have an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) on my left and a boot on my right. Just lovely, huh?

Dark Heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

30-Jan-11

Been up the last few hours. I have such a heavy heart that it is ready to kill me. I am haunted by everything that is wrong with my life. Been thinking about my cousin who is now a marine and yet I hardly know because my family drifted apart. It saddens me that I don’t know my “little” cousins anymore. The oldest is engaged and will be married later this year. I feel less a part of their lives with each passing year.

I do not know who I am anymore. Last night in a fit of torment I threw down the gauntlet and told my ptx that I will die this weekend. I so wish I could act on these feelings. The brokenness inside kills me every night. The sorrow that is deep within my chest shall never be revealed nor relieved in any such way. I am just a freak who is suffering silently with only these words to fall on silent blogs. I only wish to end this daily torture. Animals are treated more humanly than human beings. It has been said that you control your own life and happiness. Well my happiness lies beneath the earth or as a pile of ash. I do not care what remains of my bodily essence. My consciousness is what is the death of me. I am not truly dying a slow death but am only being tortured every minute I dare to breath. This can’t be what life is about. To go on suffering just so others do not feel your loss. I have snapped and I don’t know if there is any coming back. I want to put a plastic bag over my head and die of asphyxia. Yes it may be painful but once that last breath is gone, I shall be free

suicide notes

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I found my note that I wrote about a year ago, maybe more. It was also my will as I stated what to do with my things after I had passed. It was creepy finding it. I forgot I had written it. I know that I have another “note” that I borrowed from Night falls fast by Kay Redfield Jamison. It adequately depicts my struggle with depression and states how sorry I am that I had to choose this way. It reads:
“Do not grieve for me. My nerves are shot and for the last year I have been in agony day and night, except when I sleep with sleeping pills, and any peace I have by day is when I am drugged by pills.
I have had a wonderful life but it is over and my nerves get worse and I am afraid they will have to take me away. So please forgive me, all those I love and may god forgive me too but I cannot bear the agony and it is best for everyone this way.
NO ONE IS TO BLAME. I have wonderful friends and they do all the can for me, including my care treaters (AE and LP). I have tried very hard all I know for a year and it gets worse inside, so please take comfort in knowing I will not suffer anymore.”

I have been going over my journal and keep finding all that I have been going through the past three years. I honestly have no idea why I am still alive. According to this journal written in 2009, I should be dead. But I am not. I guess that is a miracle some how but I still don’t want to live. Yet I do. Next to this suicide note is my crisis response plan. VERY IRONIC.

complaints

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, medical

CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) is a literal pain in the ass. Just when you think you have things going fine, it will flare up on you to remind you of all that you have been through, to remind you that you still have nerve damaged parts of self, whether it be your bottom and genitals or you lower extremities. Just now I got into bed after using the bathroom. I don’t know what I did but I know I didn’t just stub my toe through it feels like I just did. I forgot to use my slippers on my feet because unlike pre-CES I still like to walk barefoot. But there is ceramic tile that is COLD and can cause spasms in my bad foot if exposed to this temp, like it did tonight. So my foot is reminding me that I can no longer walk barefoot around my house and that I somehow stubbed my toe today without realizing it. Wonderful.
I had my sister’s car today and while driving to pick up my dad, I was pretty tired. I didn’t sleep too well last night and woke up early this morning to do some errands. The errands exhausted me and I should have taken a nap but I knew if I did, I probably wouldn’t sleep well tonight. So I am driving my sister’s car and wondering why I am slowing down. I have my foot on the gas, or so I thought. So I push a little harder on the pedal and come to a complete stop. I didn’t know where my foot was. I mentally took a break from the proprioception because I was tired and because of that my foot was on the wrong pedal. From that point on I knew it was going to be a long night. I keep having to remind myself where my right foot was at all times and this gets to be mentally tiring. I am sure those who are reading this have no clue what I am talking about. But think right now, do you know where your feet are? Can you close your eyes and move your feet up and down and then know when your foot is up and when it is down? I no longer have that sense. It was gone. Sure I compensate for it now but when I am tired, all bets are off. It’s like driving on automatic pilot when you go somewhere. You want to get to point A but your mind is thinking point B and when you get half way to B, you realize you really wanted to go to point A and have to turn around. Mentally, I have to be aware of my feet at all times or I will trip or in this case, I will just come to a complete stop in the middle of the road and wonder what is wrong with the car…
I question driving. I don’t like to drive at night because I am more fatigued and my proprioception (sense of sensing) can be off more. This doesn’t happen all the time and luckily I don’t drive that often anymore since my car hit its last pothole.