Tag: writing

Saturday Blog 26 August 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 26 August 2017

I woke up around 8ish. My foot was being crushed and my bladder needed to be emptied. I played with my phone for a bit and wanted to go back to sleep but knew if I did, I wouldn’t go out to the meat shop. I checked to see when the next bus was and it was at 0915. I got dressed and then went to the bus stop. My mother didn’t hear me leave. She never does.

I got breakfast at Starbucks and wrote for a bit. Then I checked when the bus home would be. It was in about 40 mins so I left to do some shopping. I had to get eggs and my ground beef. The meat market had the ground beef on sale so I got a big package as that was the only way to get the special price. I didn’t want to get 4 pounds but whatever. I’d use some and then freeze the rest.

I called my mother when I got to the bus stop waiting area. I told her I got the eggs and she said she was calling me a mouse from now on because she didn’t hear me leave. Whatever. She asked how much the eggs were and then called me a “good girl” for getting two dozen. I cringed. She wanted me to get chicken wings but I told her I had already left the store. The chicken breast was too “expensive” and she was glad that I didn’t get it. For some reason, it didn’t look right to me so I didn’t want to get it anyway.

I came home and put the stuff away. I’m always super careful when I buy eggs because I can be a bit of a klutz. I have broken one too many eggs in my lifetime because I wasn’t careful. I took out some butter for making the chocolate zucchini bread I plan to bake. I was going to make it yesterday but was too tired. Today is still cool so I can turn on the oven. Shredding the zucchini is going to be fun, I hope. I bought four because it calls for I think 2 cups packed. It also calls for a lot of chocolate. YUM! I bought dark chocolate. I hope it comes out good.

I’m listening to Taylor Swift because I am in that kind of mood. I’m still on the fence on liking her new song. I don’t know what to make of it. I know it will grow on me if I listen to it enough. I can’t wait for her new album to come out.

My laptop screen is really going. The glitch problem is getting worse. I can only have my screen a certain angle to have it clear. I am so annoyed. I got to get in touch with my friend to find out how much a new one is going to cost. I hate to buy a new laptop when everything else on this baby is working fine. I eventually need to upgrade Microsoft office but I’ll do that when I feel like it or buy another laptop. I will get two licenses so I can put it on this laptop and the new one. Sucks that they will only allow a licensed copy on one computer when the software costs so damn much. No more sharing of CDs though I think now you just download the software. Most new laptops don’t have a CD drive anymore. Pretty soon they will be obsolete like the 3 inch diskettes.

I’m going to make Manwich for lunch. It will be my meal for the next few days because I am the only one that likes it. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Fat Friday cancelled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fat Friday cancelled

I really, really wanted to get donuts today. A dozen and some munchkins (basically donut holes). I went to the Square as I got up around 0900. I had a turkey bacon sandwich and my espresso. Then I decided that if they had lavash bread, I’d get some turkey breast and have it for lunch rather than buying donuts. They didn’t have lavash bread so I got flour tortilla. It will do perfectly. I’ll also put in some cranberry sauce and it will be a yummy roll up. So my fat Friday was cancelled.

On the way home, I stopped at a convenience store to get quick picks for the lottery. The powerball just went up to half a billion dollars and the Mega Millions is like 300 million. Either would be nice to win. Then I went to Walgreens to pick up my Zofran. I was disappointed that the pills weren’t the ones that you put under your tongue. It was tablets. Oh well. The covering doc gave me a 90 day supply. I am lucky if I go through 30 in a year. I don’t use it that often, only when I get a migraine with nausea. Usually I’ll have the nausea before I get the migraine. So I am set for the next two years with this med.

Last night, the pit of despair surrounded me. Every year from Aug to Oct, I get really depressed and suicidal. This has been happening since 1994, when I had my first major depressive episode that landed me in the hospital from Aug till Jan 1995. I think that if I didn’t have a great psych resident at the time, I would have taken my life. Things were awful. I couldn’t go to school or work. I just slept all day and was in a severe depressed state. Nothing really happened to trigger it, as far as I know. But it has been happening every year since then.

I emailed my psychiatrist before I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time falling asleep because of pain and psychache. I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook. I hope it is a good group in which I can get support when I am feeling suicidal. The next few months are going to be rough. I can already feel the depression starting to set in. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping most days the last few weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend. She can be a little bit too caring and set in her ways. I told her next week is going to be rough for me because I have back to back appointments. It’s going to be exhausting for me. She just replied that I should get a ride to the appointments. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the point and then she said at least I wouldn’t be walking. I told her sitting is just as bad for me. I really don’t want to use the ride because it costs money and I hate being a passenger with someone I don’t know driving. I also hate traffic. I rather take the T to where I am going. I know it will be exhausting so Wed I am not going to plan on doing anything. It’s the only day that I don’t have plans. Mon I have therapy, Tues is my neuro appt, wed rest day, Thurs seeing a friend for coffee, and Friday seeing the dentist for a check on my gums. It’s the first week that I have a busy schedule.

I need to call the place that made my AFO. The part that braces my leg is very dirty and worn. I tried cleaning it with a baby wipe but only some of the stuff came off. I noticed there were cracks in the material so I think it needs to be replaced. Only problem is I need a car to get to it as it’s not T accessible. It kind of is, but it’s a long walk from the station and I can’t walk that far. I noticed today that the part is removable. I am going to try plain old soap and water. If that doesn’t work, I will call. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had the AFO so it might need some tuning up.

I’m hoping to finish Tom Sawyer this weekend. If I do, I will move to some SE Hinton books called Tex and Rumble Fish. I haven’t read those books in a long time. I follow SE Hinton on Twitter and she is a very nice person who responds to any question, usually. I’ve loved her since I was a teen. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote an adult book called Hawkes Harbor. After I read Tex and Rumble Fish, I will start that book. I think that is all the books that she wrote, other than The Outsiders, That was then, this is now, and Taming the star runner. I love all her books. I wish I could write like her. I keep thinking of writing a short story about sci fi and Star trek but I can never think too much about where to begin. I’ll write it one day. I just need to try and write if from a third person rather than first. I tend to do that a lot in my writing, only because it’s easier for me. Maybe I should take a creative writing class or something. I did take one in college but because of my psych issues, I had to withdraw from class midsemester. I miss school.

Saturday Blog 84

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Saturday Blog 84

I woke up around 10 because my bladder said to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I made coffee. After my coffee, I went to Walgreens to pick up my script. It was really hot out but not humid. As I was trying to find my dark chocolate, I came across an ankle compression sleeve that supposedly helps your heel. I hope it will help my Achilles. It was $13 so I bought it. I will use it the next time I go out or when my Achilles flares up around the house.

I had no problems walking, which was good. I never know if my ankle is going to go berserk on me or not. I didn’t wear my AFO brace. I thought about going to the square but I had my burger fix last night. I am just going to lay low today and maybe read Huck Finn as I haven’t touched it in more than a month now. I am half way through reading it. I am getting behind my reading because my pain is so bad I don’t feel like cracking open a book.

I joined a CRPS group on Facebook. It is mostly people in the UK but I haven’t been able to get accepted in any US based groups. I requested to join and haven’t had a response. It’s been good joining this group as people have been responsive to my posts and seem more accepting than the other group I was in. I left it because there were people against my use of opioids for my treatment of pain. They are under the idiotic impression that it’s just an addicting drug and shouldn’t be used at all, only for short term use. It’s bullshit as I would be dead without my meds. The pain is not relieved by any other drug that I have tried.

Today is Boston Pride day and there is a huge parade in Boston. I don’t go because I don’t like crowds. They give me anxiety. So on Twitter, I talked about coming out as trans. I wrote a little story about it using the hashtag Pride2017. I got one like and that was for my post on my memoir. I don’t care. If people read my story, hope it can help others struggling with coming out. I will write a longer blog about it later today. I want to talk about it because it is freeing and lifts my burden. Eventually I will come out to my mother. I am getting close to getting the courage to tell her. I know she isn’t going to accept me for being a man. That is the only thing keeping me from telling her because I fear her rejection of me. It’s bad enough she doesn’t like my haircuts and the clothes I wear.

My new watch came in yesterday and today for some reason, I feel naked without it on. I usually don’t wear it in the house because I have my phone to tell me the time and date. Guess I am just excited that I have a new watch. Tomorrow I think I might go to my little cousin’s graduation party. It’s going to be a long day for me so I am not sure I can handle it. I feel like using a zipcar just so I can have my own transportation home if I need to leave. I can only handle the family events for so long before I get bored and my ankle acts up. My cousin’s house is by the beach. I think the weather is going to be similar today but a few degrees cooler. It will be perfect beach weather. I am not a beach person but I do like to stick my feet in the water. I just hope my pain is manageable tomorrow or it’s going to be difficult for me to go. We’ll see though.

A Treatise of What is to Come

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

A Treatise of What is to Come

Author: G. Collerone
Copyright: February 23, 1992
Publisher: Global Issues – Mr. Bennett

When I was graduating eighth grade, I thought high school would be hard, offering challenges that would be difficult to make. But freshman year seemed easy once I’ve gotten to know my teachers well and the work was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I’m a sophomore now and it’s more difficult to keep the grades up than it was last year. Last year I studied so much mostly so I could keep sane. Problems at home made me want to study more just so I wouldn’t think about them. Now that the problems are resolved, I’m sort of not as motivated as I was before. That doesn’t mean my grades dropped considerably, they just slipped a little bit.
My goal in life is to join the Navy and become a doctor or a researcher in the medical field. Someday I would like to find a cure for AIDS or cancer. By the time I graduate from college, I hope to have settled on a career path.
I want to join the Navy because while I was in eighth grade, I had the opportunity to tour the “U.S.S. Alwynn”. It is a frigate class ship that was docked at General Ship near my school. Captain Hess, the commanding officer, invited us to lunch and I got to sit at the captain’s table. We learned a lot about the ship and the Navy. I even got to see a torpedo. The feelings I got, made me feel I belonged in the Navy. I then decided that day to join when I got older. I knew that the Navy would pay for college and possibly medical school. If I chose that profession. The branch I would like to be in is the Reserves. The way I’d go into it would be to join an NROTC (Naval Reserve Officer Training Corps) unit at the college that I choose. Not all colleges have a NROTC unit so I have to pick one that does and hope I like it. They also offer good scholarships that will benefit my education. But the real reason I want to join the Navy is the chance to get away from home, be independent and explore the world.
Right now, I’m studying to earn A’s in every subject. If I am to get a scholarship to college, I’ll need this average. The Navy also requires high average persons to handle the high tech machines it operates. The subjects in tenth grade are tougher than they were ninth. So it’s harder to keep such a high average. After school I play basketball. The positions I play are guard and forward. I used to hate playing forward, but now I’m starting to like it. I play on the school team. Last year I also played. I was on J.V. (Junior Varsity). This year I play both JV, which is now called secondary, and Varsity. Last year, the team made it to the city and state finals. We didn’t win. Hopefully we will win. Basketball is my favorite sport. When I’m not on the court, I’m watching TV or listening to the radio. If nothing is on, I’m either reading, studying, or hanging out.
When basketball season is over, I’ll be hanging out at the social center. I am a member of the Boston Youth Network (BYN). What the program does is basically keep kids off the streets and off drugs and/or alcohol. We go on field trips, have odd jobs around the neighborhood, sports, tutoring, games, groups, and other fun things. The program is run by Laurel Lamont, who, in my opinion, is an air brain, literally. But she’s a good person. I met her this past summer at my summer job. I worked at the East Boston Playschool down at the Harborside Community School. I was a counselor’s aide. I helped take care of five to six year old kids. It was a good summer for me. I relaxed from a hard school year. I know I said that freshman year was easy, but that was the school part. The hard part was home. My parents were always arguing and having to put up with it day in and day out was pretty difficult. Then during the middle of the year, around March, my mother had enough of it and said she was getting a divorce. The way I felt then, I didn’t know exactly how to feel. Parts of me were happy, because the arguing would finally end. But other parts were sad and hurt at losing a parent, which happened to be my father. So when summer came, and I had a job, it gave me responsibility and some time away from home which I needed badly to clear my head. After a long and tiring day of working with about 30 five and six year olds, I was too beat to deal with life at home. So I just put it aside and became a little happier than I had been in a long time. But unfortunately, the summer came to an end and so did the job. Then I was stuck with it. When school started in September of this year (well last), my mom kicked my father out. Things for me seemed pretty good, well much better than they had been anyway. I miss him quite a bit. I try to see him at least 2-3 times a month. It’s kind of hard because I’m so busy. At one time in my life, before the past year, things changed so much so that it was like I hardly knew him anymore. I knew that one day something like this was going to happen, but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. In a way I like him being away. Things are less tense. But in other ways I don’t. Since He’s been away and since he changed so much, I’m not so close to him anymore. It’s not that I love him less, because it’s quite the opposite. I love him more than a lot. It’s just that his change made us move apart instead of closer. Things are sort of the same with my mom, except we were never close. Maybe when I was a little kid, but not anymore. I’d rather have it better being apart than close because once I join the Navy, I’m not coming back. So why get close to people you’re not going to see after you graduate from high school anymore. It isn’t that my mother and I don’t get along good. Well sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t. But most of the time we do because we stay out of each other’s way.
Besides living with my mom, I also live with my two younger sisters, M and S. I’m the oldest, M is the second oldest and S is the youngest. S and I get along fine. M and I don’t. We’re always arguing and fighting and doing everything sisters do when they mad at each other. We cuss each out, cat fight, etc. We’ve been this way since we were little kids. Now that we are teenagers, we fight but not that often because we stay out of each other’s way and when we don’t we have a little (sometimes big) arguments. Other than that we get along fine.
Of my two sisters, S is the one I feel closest to. Her and I talk about everything and anything. If I have a problem, I go to her and vice-versa. Or when we just need someone to talk to, we go to each other. She’s my little sister. I take care of her and she takes care of me. M and S sometimes gets along but not always. Event though S is my little sister, she sometimes acts as my older sister. One thing that I like about her is that she makes me laugh. Whenever her and I and/ or her best friend are together, we all crack up laughing. She tells me what happened while she was in school or what happened afterwards and it’s a riot, for us anyway. I guess you can say we are more than sisters, we’re best friends. I feel more comfortable with her than my other sister and mother.
Aside from family matters and home life, things are pretty good. My best friend T, have a good friendship. We’ve been friends for thirteen years now. Through our years of friendship we’ve gotten our share of good and bad times. We got into arguments and made up the next day or the day after. The longest argument we ever had lasted a week.
When we are together we have a great time. We do almost everything together. When we were growing up, we wanted to be many things when we got older, from an auto mechanic to cable installers, to firemen to paramedics. You name it we wanted to become it. But as we got older we decided to become auto mechanics and start our own business. Things changed when I started junior high. Since he had stayed back a few years, I had started without him and we didn’t see much of each other after school. When we caught up, I was in my last year of junior high and our ways separated quite a bit. He wanted to become a police officer and I had wanted to become a doctor and join the Navy. But it didn’t affect our friendship. We exchanged career plans and started hanging out more and getting more goofier together as we didn’t so. Then in December of last year, we became girlfriend and boyfriend. We had a good relationship for a while but it didn’t last. Our feelings were different so we had to break up. We did. I think our friendship, plain old friendship is better.
I like collecting stuff. When I was thirteen, I started collecting baseball cards. I have over five hundred cards. I lost interest in collecting as I got older so I stopped. But I still have the cards. I then started collecting “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (STTNG) books. I love the books and the TV show. I’m a real trekkie (Star Trek fan). To boldly go where no one has gone before! I’ve been watching the show since it first began in 1987. I started collecting the books, manuals, pins, etc. about two or three years later. I’ve become a real fan of the whole crew, especially Wil Wheaton who is the youngest cast member. He plays Ensign Wesley Crusher. He’s also played in the movie “Stand By Me”. I’ve been such a big fan that I joined his fan club called “Wil Power”. I’ve been a member since 1989. I’ve also joined his pen pal network, which is members who want other members as pen pals. I have four pen pals, one of whom I’ve written to for a little over a year now. He’s from England and we’ve become good friends. It’s been a real good experience learning what it’s like outside Massachusetts and the US. I really like it a lot.
After high school I plan to go to college, get a pre-med degree and then medical school. Before that I am going to join the Navy. I want to go to college out of state. With the Navy, I hope to see the seas and the world. To see what the world is like and to get to know what life is like outside of Massachusetts and the United States. I don’t travel much outside of Massachusetts. The only time I’ve been out of state was to see a tour of a beer factory in New Hampshire and that was when I was 10 years old! I’ll never forget that place. It smelled nasty and was cold, very cold. It must have been like 60-70 degrees outside and zero degrees inside. I swore after that I was never going to drink beer as long as I live. Not that I could at that age, since you had to be at least 21 or older.
The way I see it, the Navy can let me be independent and self-disciplined so I can support myself and have time away from friends and family. The Navy can offer opportunities no one can match. They train you to do the job you want and pay you. No employer can do that. I’d like to be a commander some day. I hope the Navy can make that dream come true.