Bad mood kind of day
I was up half the night again. Yesterday, I spent a few hours helping my sister go through my stuff she is clearing from my office. First she wanted me to do one thing and then later that evening, she wanted me to do something else. Well, in order for me to do the something else, I need to do the first thing she told me, which was to organize and go through my clothes. I got rid of about two bags. I had a bag of my button down shirts that I was going to take to the cleaners but they probably don’t fit my anymore so I just got rid of them. I haven’t worn them in years anyways.
Last night I was in a worst mood. I felt really overwhelmed with what my sister was telling me about my things and how SHE wanted it to be. I felt like I couldn’t have MY room the way I want it. It’s bad enough most of the stuff in my office now needs a home in my room, which means I have to clear it up and get rid of some stuff. I am not fucking happy about any of this. She was telling me I don’t need a lot of binders and other office supplies. Sorry, but I do a lot of writing and DO need those things, especially when I print off my research articles or other papers. I am not going to get rid of them just so I have to buy more later on. They are fricken more expensive now than they were back when I was in college!
I was also getting stressed because I got a pain flare up that kept me up most of the night. I had sat and stood for those few hours I was doing things, even though I rested in between doing the different things I did. CRPS doesn’t care if you rest, you are still going to hurt. I talked to a couple of friends of mine from the CES group that understands you can’t be doing shit without consequences. I was in such a mood, I emailed my psych to tell her and then told her a little about the prep I have done to end things. I didn’t say when or how I would do this, or if I was really going to go through with it. Then I had moments where I wanted to go through with it last night. It took all I had not to get up and get my means.
Yesterday, as I was eating, my back tooth started hurting me. It has been hurting on and off the past couple of weeks. I meant to call the dentist this morning but I was so damn sleepy I didn’t. I don’t know if I was up at 6 am or if I woke up, but I took my meds and then slept until noon then fell asleep again till 3pm. I never called the dentist because I forgot. I will try and call tomorrow as I got a lot of time tomorrow to do so. I have PT so maybe I can do it before I leave or when I come home.
I have been craving pizza the past few days. Think I am going to get some before I come home tomorrow. I don’t know if I want Sicilian or regular. I will get two slices. Not sure I will eat both but at least I will have it later if I don’t. My appetite has been awful lately. Yesterday, I just had a burrito, and even that I had to force myself to finish it. I don’t know why my appetite is gone. I was able to make an egg burrito when I got up before I did anything as I was hungry. I just been eating one meal a day or maybe a couple of protein bars. I have lost like 11 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks. I am not sure it is real because sometimes I weigh myself on the scale and it will say I am down and then I go a few days later and I weigh more than I did in the beginning.
I emailed my PCP’s social worker to see if I can see her. I told her that I don’t think she could do anything but at least she is someone I can talk to until I get a therapist. I haven’t called any places because I am waiting for my damn heel pain to be less than what it is. There is one place I am thinking about but I am not sure where it is and how far I will be walking. There are two locations, one in my town and the town next to me. I think I will try the one in the next town over as Google maps says it is where my ex-therapist used to be. It is a block from that location and close to Harvard Square. I don’t know if it will be easier getting there like the therapist I was with and have a temporary hold on. I kind of want to go back to see him but then I don’t. I don’t even know if this place will take me or not so, no point thinking about it until I call. I want my foot/ankle to get a little bit better before I do call. But until then I am stuck without anyone to talk to. UGH. I hate this. I have never been without a therapist this long. It is going on for at least three months now.