I’m just tired

I’m just tired

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of missing people. Tired of missing out. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of not being able to let go. I’m tired of pretending. I’m Just Tired. ~author unknown

This was a meme that popped up in my Instagram “memories”. It is fitting for today because I am tired. So very tired of being. I don’t want to be anymore. It is too hard to continue on. But I am also too tired to do anything about it so I sit here like a glob. A big fat glob. One of my TG friends showed a pic of his new chest. It looks good. I want that so bad but I got to lost like 30 pounds to do it. I know I can do it, unhealthily. It just takes some will power to do it. I’ve lost that weight before and I can do it again. I just need to want to do it. And right now I am too tired to do it. Wouldn’t matter anyways. Even if I lost the weight tomorrow, I still wouldn’t be able to have the surgery with the virus going on. Everything is on hold. I feel bad my NP had to reschedule her surgery because of the virus. She seems okay with it but I know it hurts. I would be hurt if it were me.

I read some of Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is a good book that I decided to reread as it has been ages since I last read it. It is a memoir that resonated a lot with me. I don’t have bipolar disorder but this book captures the ups and downs so eloquently.

I am feeling tired even though I slept through the night. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. I usually wake up at least once to pee. I think my bladder nerves are healing as I have been able to cath less. I am only cathing right before bed to make sure I am empty before I lay down to sleep. There might be one or two times during the day where I cath because it has been more than 3 hours since my last void and I want to make sure I am empty. I don’t want another UTI or bladder infection. I am not sure if I am emptying completely or not. I will have to cath after I pee to find out. Last time I checked, I wasn’t emptying at all but that was a few weeks ago.

My hair is the longest it has been the past few years. I can’t stand it. I hope my barber opens his shop up soon. I really miss him! Just hope it won’t be mad busy when I see him, though. I don’t know what kind of restriction they are going to have. He most likely will have to wear a mask. I don’t care if he has to wear PPE up the ying yang. I just want my hair buzzed again! I miss the feel of it. I could do it myself but I know I will mess up and then it will be a disaster. So I am not going to do anything for it. I just have to wait like everyone else.