Sunday Blog 18102020

Sunday Blog 18102020

I have been in pain most of the day. I made my breakfast and my back cramped up on me. No matter what the fuck I do, my back cramps up on me and I don’t know fucking why. I am so annoyed. I hope when I see the PT on Friday she can give me some answers. It is the middle of my back more than the lower back where I had surgery. I hate these cramps/spasms so much because I can’t do things. Even folding laundry my back was cramping. WTF.

I did my exercise today. I walked the length of the house four times as I brought my mother a cup of coffee before bringing my tea upstairs. By the last leg of the walk, guess what happened? My back cramped up! I am in agony right now and am contemplating taking an Ativan because the Zanaflex doesn’t seem to be working. I am so damn tired from it though, which is why I made some tea. It is tea from England, a Twining Everyday tea. It is really good. I still have my Yorkshire tea that I have not had in a while.

I just talked my mother into making grilled cheese for supper. I have been craving it the past few days. I would make it but I always seem to burn it. I don’t like burnt grilled cheese. My mother makes it better than I do anyways. I don’t know why that is. I got to watch her make it to find out her secret. I think she puts more cheese in it than I do.

I have been reading a book by Glennon Doyle. She is a gay author and a feminist. I am learning so much from this book. It is making me want to write a second memoir on feelings or something like that. My first memoir was good. I sold and continue to sell copies. I think more than 100 books have been bought, between Amazon and my personal signing. I haven’t written a book since 2016. That is a long time.

I see my surgeon this week and I am going to tell him about the spasms/cramps in my back. Maybe there is something he can suggest that I can do or take for it. I also see PT later this week. I have a jam packed week of appointments every day this week. Tomorrow is therapy, Tues is pain psychologist, Wed surgeon, Thurs Psychiatrist, and Fri PT. I am going to be tired. Luckily the only appointment I have to leave my house for is PT. The rest are virtual. I am nervous about seeing the pain psychologist because she isn’t the one I wanted to see. I wanted to see the guy because he isn’t heavily into CBT. I have sort of that with my therapist and I don’t like it like I thought I would. It is a lot of work.

Tomorrow I am going to bring up the last blog I wrote that was only 165 words. I started writing about my grief and things ended there. I couldn’t really go on writing so I just ended the blog there. I am not happy about it because it was so short, probably the shortest blog I have ever written. My therapist knows that when I feel powerful emotions I tend to stop. It is something to work on.

My ankle has been bothering me since around noon time today. It feels like someone is trying to stretch the fuck out of it. I just feel this pull on it. It hurts so bad. I took a pain med for it but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I have tried keeping it in the “L” position and that hasn’t helped either. No matter what position I have it in, it hurts. This is the umpteenth day in a row that my ankle has been hurting. Walking seems to temporarily stop the pain but soon as I am in a resting position the pain comes back. I can walk the length of my house but my back cramps up on me. I fucking hate being in pain every single day with either or both my ankle and back bothering me. It is getting me down and I don’t see getting out of it. It is making me feel hopeless. I hope the pain psychologist can help with some of this stuff, which is why I am seeing her. My only goal in seeing her would be to better cope mentally with physical pain. I just hope she doesn’t give me fricken DBT shit or I will lose my shit.

any thoughts?

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