therapy and stuff

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.