Category: Bipolar Disorder

PCP appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP appt and other things

I woke up in pain, again around nine. I used the bathroom and took my pain meds. Then I just laid in bed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew that would mess me up. I really didn’t want to go but this appointment was the next step to getting my transition started. My mood really sucked so I had to push myself for most of the day. It was exhausting and pain didn’t help matters.

I got to Starbucks and a woman approached me. We had met during my last hospitalization and she is now living in the area. I asked her if she still had my number. She did and she said she’d call. I doubt it. I haven’t heard from her since I left the hospital and I totally can’t think of her name. But it was good bumping into her.

I had something to eat and my espresso. I tried writing but was distracted. My ankle bone was really hurting. I tried to do some imagery exercises the PT wanted me to do to distract myself. I only got so far. I then started doing some of the belly tightening exercises she wanted me to do. That didn’t help me either. I did like 5 of them before I stopped. I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I used the bathroom before leaving and went to my appt.

I got there with time to spare. Supposedly my doc was on time, but I didn’t see him till 20 minutes past my appt. He read my psych’s note and found I wanted to be called he and G. I said yes. I told him I needed the notes from today so I could go to my next step for transitioning and he almost started to talk me into going there for my healthcare. Don’t think so buddy. Least not for now, anyway.

I then brought up that I wanted to be put on a longer acting pain med. That is when my being fat came into play. He said because I was obese, I might have a sleep disorder and that is why I wake up in the middle of the night not because of pain. Yea okay. He wants me to have a sleep study done before he thinks about going on a longer acting med. Fine, whatever. Did I mention I was hurting NOW?? I emailed my psychiatrist. I think she is fed up with me because she hasn’t responded to any emails I have sent her the past week. I’ve sent her whacky things the past few days, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep due to pain.

My suicidality has increased. I don’t know what the point in sticking around is. My doc said that the neuro says I have a nerve injury and, just like I thought, that pain meds are not good for it. It will be only a matter of time before he takes me off them. I hope I will be dead by then.

PT, painsomnia, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PT, painsomnia, and other things

I had a rough night sleeping because of pain. I didn’t get to sleep till around 0400. It was really bad. I had set my alarm for 8 so that I could take my blood pressure pill. I have been bad in taking it in the morning. I also set the alarm for 11 so I could possibly make something to eat before going to my PT appt. I was too tired to do that when the alarm went off. I didn’t want to get up. My ankle bone was hurting me. I really wanted to stay in but it was too late to cancel.

I played on my phone for a bit and then got dressed. It was warmer than it was yesterday, but not by much. I decided to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It was too warm for the sweatshirt and I took it off when I got to the PT office. The PT wanted me to give her an update on how I was. I told her I was in pain and for the past few days, it has been really bad. She wanted to know some things and I told her. Then she went over some things she wants me to do. She gave me some exercises to do for my back. My back didn’t like it after three tries. I had written down a lot of stuff so I could remember what to do. It’s not that hard but It all depends on my pain levels. My foot/ankle were really hurting by the time I left and then waiting for the bus didn’t help. The bus I took home had a maniac driver. He was heavy on the gas. I didn’t get up until the bus stopped when it came to my stop.

I am really tired and I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her that I will be begging my PCP for a longer acting pain med or I might kill myself. I’ve had enough. I can’t go on this way. I’m going to take my night meds and go to sleep. Till tomorrow all

just another day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve been having not so good a day. I woke up late, around 11 after going to bed around 0230 because of pain. I was in a rotten mood. I had eight straight hours of intense pain and I was losing my mind. Last night, a few hours after I took my night meds, I started to feel nauseous. It has been happening the last few nights so I will be decreasing the Zoloft to 100 mg starting tonight. I emailed my psych about this but haven’t heard back from her.

I was able to shower and brush my teeth. My ankle started hurting really bad after I washed up. It was difficult to get dried off and dressed. I didn’t bring down my PJs or my glasses or my phone, so I had to go up to my room to get it. I didn’t want to be walking around in my boxers as it’s cold out today. When I got these things, I made lunch, which further stressed my ankle. I took breaks but my ankle didn’t care.

After I ate, I got my laptop and my special screwdriver tools to see the connection and part number for my laptop screen. I was able to remove the sucker but had a hard time putting it back! Fucking thing. I had to watch a YouTube video to find out where the pins went in. I was able to put it back and then I turn on my laptop. The screen was worse than it was before. FUCK. I tried moving the lid to see if that helped and that just made it worse. So now I am using my older laptop. I will be using this until I am able to buy another screen next week. I hope that with me playing with the connector I didn’t damage it.

I decided to make coffee and used too much water. Coffee didn’t taste good. Then the brace clinic called. Their next available is Nov 28th. Not like I need the brace NOW or anything. This just topped my day. And of course, when I came back to my room, my ankle bone and the tendons under it flared up. I am in so much pain. I have been using the app the PT told me to use. I have been finding that I do poorly when my pain is high but I do better when it’s medium or low. So when my pain is high, I am not going to use it. I am so disgusted with being in pain all the time. I can’t wait till Thursday when I see my PCP. I am going to demand being put on a longer acting med so I can get some relief at night. If he doesn’t do it, I am going to end it. I can’t go on like this. It’s maddening. Draining all hope, making me fatigued, can’t socialize with friends. What kind of life is that?

lost track of the pain days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost track of the pain days

Seems the days I have been in pain have been endless. The only time I am not in pain is when I am sleeping, and even that is broken up when my pain meds wear off. I could not get going today. I had woken up around 0330 and struggled to get back to sleep after taking pain meds. I really didn’t want to go to therapy, hell, I didn’t want to leave the house but I went. And I am glad I did. He listened and validated my feelings. He said that I am more overwhelmed than hopeless, which I am having some difficulty understanding. I needed his reassurance I wasn’t hopeless and he said he doesn’t work with hopeless people. That helped.

Before time was up, my ankle flared up. And I was dreading going home. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving his office because the damn train was delayed, which meant I wasn’t going to catch the 1710 bus. My bladder was not happy with me at all. Oh well. The temps never got as high as they said they were going to. In fact, the temp dropped as the day wore on. I wore jeans and a sweatshirt but walking around made me hot and I was sweating a lot by the time I came home. I could really use a shower but my foot is hurting too much. I will try and take it tomorrow morning when I know my pain levels are down, or at least should be until I start moving around.

I had made a bacon and egg burrito for my lunch. It was very filling and I am not hungry to have supper. If I am later this evening, I will just have a bowl of cereal as my go to, or some oatmeal. I can’t wait to buy some overnight oats next week when I place my grocery order. I am trying to keep the order less than $200. It’s not easy because I’ll want something ordered and then delete it when my craving goes away.

I went off on Facebook this morning because someone keeps reporting me after I post being depressed, suicidal, or having bad thoughts. I have no idea who this person is as the reporting is anonymous. Just pisses me off because I am shut off from my account until I basically say I am okay, I don’t need to call someone. Hell, I have the numbers in my phone if I want to talk to someone as well as my Facebook friends, which did respond to the post, like this asshole could have done. I feel like I am being prosecuted for having suicidal feelings all the time and that talking about them is bad, when it shouldn’t be this way. It helps me to express my feelings of being suicidal. Holding them in is just bad news and makes me more likely to want to act when I feel that way. I just wish people would talk rather than be jerks about it. Obviously, they don’t know me as I have been posting suicidal messages for years now and guess what, I am still here. It helps me cope with the intensity of the moment. I know it will pass, it usually does. It’s worst at night because I want to sleep, I am exhausted, and I am just more vulnerable but can’t sleep for whatever reason, usually pain. My damn physical pain gets intolerable and death would be so welcome at the particular time. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this nerve injury that is not going to get better and may get worse. I have stopped using CRPS tags and hashtags because that is not what I have. I would have felt better knowing I did have CRPS because then I knew what was involved. I just don’t know what this nerve injury is going to involve but now that it’s affecting the bones in my ankle and foot, it doesn’t look good. I also know that since it’s been 7 years since the injury and it’s has gotten worse instead of better, the nerve is not likely to recover. That is such a severe blow to me. So my suicidality is peaking right now because of the hopelessness of knowing this. I am not going to get better, ever. That is a hard pill to swallow.