Category: Bipolar Disorder

Painful Sunday, too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Sunday too

Not having a good day. Woke up with my ankle screaming, particularly my ankle bone. Took some meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. Went back up to my room where the pain then spread from the bone down to my pinky toe. I took an Ativan and a strong pain pill and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I got hungry around 11 so I carefully went downstairs to have a bowl of cereal. I then made a cup of tea as I didn’t have anymore half and half. The one I had had gone bad and there was no way of me going to the store in my painful state. I texted my brother in law and asked if he was going to the grocery store, to pick me up a quart of it. He said ok. I was grateful.

I brought the tea back up to my room and just read Twitter. The game was on and there were a lot of tweets about it. Then my feed got filled with news about Nebraska hiring a new athletic director. I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or not or what it would mean for Mike Riley, their football coach. The Huskers are having a horrible season. Riley has been with them for the last three years. They have not had rankings or championship games for a while now.

The Pats won and I was happy. Brady, our quarterback was not happy that he had a helmet to helmet hit that wasn’t called. I don’t blame him. That is how you get brain injuries. I am glad they won. After the game, I went downstairs for dinner. I was going to have sliders but my mom made pancakes. I wanted to make them today but couldn’t because of pain. I scored! I had three or four of them before my mother yelled at me. She thought I was going to eat the whole plate, LOL. That would be too many for me. I finished the one I was eating, washed my hands, and then went upstairs again.

Pain shot out of the woodwork. My bones in my foot were now hurting. I took some more pain meds. I cried because I am in such pain I just want to die. I seriously was going over my plan, except I changed the location of where I would do it, again. I thought of calling my psychiatrist but she would only tell me to go to the hospital and what are they going to do besides aggravate me? I tried to get into BPDChat but they were talking about emotions and I just couldn’t deal. I was in a bad place and didn’t want to contribute or talk about how I was feeling. I always get ignored anyway. I haven’t attended chat in quite some time. I just am not up for it or I forget about the time.

I had emailed my PT about how I was not able to do all that she wanted me to do because of pain. Today I used the app and did poorly on it. I just can’t focus. I also told her I was feeling hopeless about everything and not sure if PT is going to help me. I’ll still go but not quite sure how it is going to help seeing as a nerve injury is not something you bounce back from right away like a sprain or a broken bone. I still am trying to wrap my head around this. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow. Hopefully talking it out helps me a little bit. I know he isn’t going be suggesting things or anything. It’s just not his style, which is pissing me off. I wish he would validate what I say I little more. I just want to be heard and understood. Is that so terrible?

I emailed a friend to see how she was doing and I found out she is off social media sites so the best way to contact her is email. She is doing well, which I was happy to hear. I told her I was thinking of using Kratom as a pain relief med and she gave me the pros and cons of it. The sucky part is that it’s not in pill form. It’s a powder that is very bitter and that you need to sweeten to swallow it and drink fluid with. There is also a lot of trial and error with it as the dose varies from person to person. Great. Not something I am into then. She told me about cannabis and how it is helping her as an edible. I don’t want that either so I guess I will stick with what I have.

I’ve been thinking of my father today. I was tempted to call my sister to see if he was coming over today. Then I remembered he is no longer with us and I was sad. The other day when I was coming home from PT, the bus drove by his apartment building. It stung. He has been on my mind ever since.

Ok my laptop is driving me crazy with the stupid screen. Next week can’t come soon enough. I only have one appt next week (other than therapy) and I can order my new screen and hope it solves the problem. Otherwise I am screwed!

hurting Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting Saturday

I woke up at 6 in pain. The ankle brace I was wearing was digging into me. I took some meds and then went back to sleep, not caring if I never woke up again. Unfortunately, I did, around 1300. It hurt to move my ankle. I took some pain meds and went downstairs. I thought about brushing my teeth but I was going to eat so what would be the point. My mother had made some fried eggplant so I had some of that and then a bowl of cocoa pebbles. Then I made Hawaiian coffee. It was perfect, even if I was in pain.

I thought about reading a book when I went back upstairs to my room, but read Twitter instead. Someone on Facebook posted a pic of a response to Cheeto’s “Merry Christmas” campaign. I tweeted the pic to the jerk. I really detest him and hate Congress more for keeping him where he is instead of getting rid of him before he causes a war.

The music in my head got really loud. I emailed my psych again, saying I think it is dependent on my pain levels because I have noticed that when I am in a lot of pain, the music is louder than it normally is. I played my new favorite album by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. I had his new single, Round Here Buzz, on repeat. I love this song. I was so happy to hear it on the radio the other day. Now I just hope they release “Mixed drinks about feelings”. Love that song too. There really isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like. I have listened to it for days when I first bought it. The music is so good.

I am really tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to keep track of the OSU/NEB game tonight. It’s going to be hard to watch because I love both teams. But I have a feeling NEB is going to get crushed. OSU is just a really good team.

Going to lie down and hope this pain goes away. If this is a nerve injury, then I think my nerve is shocking my bones really bad right now. It’s so painful. I put lidocaine on and it didn’t do anything. I am so upset over this. The last few days I have been in such a bad mood. Feeling hopeless is the worst of it. I just want to die. I don’t see a reason to go on. What is the point? More pain?

Monday I have therapy. I really don’t want to go. I just don’t see the point. Course, I don’t see the point in anything right now. I just keep on going and not quite sure where I am going.

pain, pdoc appt, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain, pdoc appt, and other things

I once again woke up around 330 in pain. I took my pain meds and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I think I fell back to sleep around 5ish then woke up one minute before my alarm went off. I got up to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. Then I got dressed and caught the bus to the Square. I had to stop and deposit money in my checking account because I was short on funds. I’m glad I checked my balance because I would have been overdrawn. A transaction I made the other day I forgot about. Oops. I then went to Dunkin to get some pumpkin donuts. Then I went to Starbucks for my espresso and a breakfast sandwich.

I got on the train to get to my pdoc appt. The appt went well. I told her about the bitch coordinator for the pain group. If she knew who ran it, she would contact them. I told her not to bother as I don’t want to go anymore. This bitch just ruined it for me. She went over the notes from the neurologist appt yesterday. She has no clue about the bone scan he ordered. I have no clue either but I gather through my Twitter buddies that it’s a radioactive test. Guess I’ll be glowing in the dark, haha. We also talked about my mood and how sucky it has been. She agreed. She said that if I need to contact her this weekend, to use her cell phone number. I said ok.

I had to go home a different way because the bus I take from the Square was being detoured. It took me longer to go home. My ankle/foot is not happy with me right now. I am in a lot of pain. I took some Neurontin and my strong pain pill. The weather is cold so my spine is aching, too. I thought of going to Rite Aid for some half and half as I was out but changed my mind. I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I also need to go to Walgreens.

My mood sucks right now. I’ve been thinking of suicide for most of the day, partly due to feeling hopeless about my ankle being FUBAR and partly because the depression is just so bad right now. I really hate this and sometimes I am scared that I will go ahead with my crazy plan I keep fantasizing about. I don’t know if I will act on it. I really want to but I know my immediate family will hurt and that keeps me here, as long as I don’t have constriction (blinders). I hate that I have to suffer so others won’t. It’s a real struggle when you lose all hope of getting better. I know that if PT is successful, I might not be in as much pain. Which might get me a little more active than I have been but as I told my pdoc today, I don’t think it will rehab me enough so I can work again. Hell, just walking the 3,342 steps today going out and back home is doing a real number on my ankle right now. I was only out of the house for a few hours and I am toast. I really need to rest this weekend, though the only thing I have planned is to change my sheets and try and find that backpack I’ve been wanting to use. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t remember where I left it last. It might be in a different part of my office, under some jackets or something.

I really would like to do some writing in my journal again. Lately I have been so tired because I wake up in the middle of the night that I just don’t have time to sit at Starbucks and write like I used to. Or I just been too distracted to write. Lately, I just can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember the last time I opened a book. I just am not interested in reading anymore.

My ankle is really hurting me right now. If I had a chainsaw, I would chop it off. It’s bad enough I feel like slicing it open with a knife. Somehow I think that will stop the pain by cutting out the pain. Weird thinking but it’s driving me crazy having to take this pill and that pill then waiting for the pills to work. It’s aggravating. You just want relief now and it doesn’t happen. I’m starting to have anxiety so I took one of my blood pressure pills. I didn’t take it this morning, again. This is the 3rd day I missed my morning dose. Luckily, when I saw the neuro yesterday, they took my BP and it was normal. I hate having to be on two medicines for my blood pressure. I especially hate having to take one twice a day. I should put the alarm in my app back on so I don’t miss the dose. I only stopped it because I was waking up in the middle of the night or going to bed really late and I didn’t want to be disturbed. I need some sleep.

feeling more hopeless after my neuro appt

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling more hopeless after my neuro appt

I woke up around 330 in pain. It was a hard decision whether to try and go back to sleep or stay up. I decided to go back to sleep and paid for it as I woke up late. I had just enough time to brush my teeth and get dressed before catching the bus. It was cool out and the sun had not shown itself yet. I just wore my glasses but brought along my sunglasses as I knew it would show itself later.

I went to Starbucks and had breakfast with espresso. I wasn’t in too much pain, but then I usually am not that time of the morning. Because I left late, it left no time for writing. After I finished eating, I left for the train station. I was feeling nervous and didn’t know what to expect. I would know soon enough.

I got to the neuro’s office and checked in with about 10 minutes to spare. The train was crowded so I had stood most of the way. My foot didn’t like it. After the medical assistant took my vitals, I waited for the doc. He was a few minutes late but he came. I explained what had happened and that I was hoping he could confirm the CRPS diagnosis. That’s where things got tricky. Because I have a previous nerve injury, I don’t have the “typical” signs of CRPS. When I told him that cramps had set off my pain, he became under the impression that the cramps had cut off blood supply to my nerve in my foot/ankle and thus I was diagnosed with nerve injury, not CRPS. He tested my foot and showed me the nerve branch he thinks is affected. Unfortunately, the area is not likely to show up on an EMG and the test itself could cause a significant flare up. He ordered some blood work and a special bone scan to either confirm or deny CRPS, but he thinks it is just a nerve injury. He started naming some medications that I never heard of. Only two I hadn’t tried. I can’t repeat them because he said them so fast and my knowledge of the class and what they would treat was limited. He said the treatment for the nerve injury and CRPS would be the same. I guess that is good. He didn’t really say what that treatment was, however. He is going to wait for the blood work and bone scan results to go over things with me.

I was stunned and left feeling deflated. I didn’t know what to think. I got my blood drawn and then headed home, hoping I would catch the 0930 bus. I did. The first person that I talked to about this was a friend on Twitter. I didn’t go into much detail, just summarized for her. I also told my CRPS group that I will let them know when I can process it and that it wasn’t good. I emailed my psychiatrist, who is not heavy into diagnoses anyway. She said that maybe it’s not a matter of what it is called but how it is treated. She wants me to get relief, which is what I want, too. I was hoping that I would get diagnosed properly and then finally be able to get on a longer acting pain med. Now that doesn’t seem likely. I don’t know if I will be able to continue on my pain meds. I’ll really be upset and suicidal if this happens.

I ordered McDonalds as comfort food and then took a much needed nap. My foot cramped for a few minutes before I finally woke up. I was hot as I shut off the ceiling fan and I needed to go to the bathroom. My mother made something and it smelled horrible. It was asparagus and eggs. I felt nauseous. I went to the bathroom and then went back up to my room.

My cousin had called me about an hour after I got home. She invited me to her house on Saturday for some painting thing. I told her it would depend on how I feel. My sister is going so if I feel up to it, I will catch a ride with her. We had a good talk. She is accepting of my being transgender and is happy that I am moving in that direction. She just wants me to be happy. She also told me to look into weed for pain control. I told her I was scared because I had a bad experience when I was a teen. I really don’t know if I can take it as I am under a pain contract with my PCP. I will need to discuss it with him. I rather take a pill than smoke it. I don’t know if it will be effective. Some people have found it to help them. She explained to me the different kinds. I just yes’d her. MJ is now legal in my state. If anything, I think using CBD oil might help so I can put the stuff directly on the area that hurts. It’s something down the line. I really want to try Kratom but need to research it more as there are different strains just like MJ as well as not so potent places that sell it.

I thought next week was pay week but it’s not, it’s the week after. I am bummed because I really want to replace my screen on my laptop. It’s getting worse and I don’t think it will last till December. I got to take it apart again and take a pic to send to my computer friend. The wire that connects the screen is securely taped. I’m not sure if I remove it, I need to put it back in place. Just another headache.

Tomorrow I see my psych after not seeing her for a month. It’s an early morning appt and because there is a funeral processesion going on in the late morning, I need to go home a different way. That is going to be fun. I just hope I remember.