Category: Bipolar Disorder

New Blog Look and Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New blog look and therapy

I had an unfortunately reaction today while at Starbucks. I bought their new Morning muffin and though, I can’t quite prove it, it has ginger it in. My throat started to get all scratchy about half way through eating it. I went to see the manager to see what the ingredients were. It just listed “spices”. I sent a message to Starbucks on Twitter to see if they could be more specific. The Benadryl I took earlier has worn off and now I am feeling my throat feel scratchy, sore, and I am all congested. This happened the last time I was exposed. Took two days of non-stop Benadryl to settle it. I hope it doesn’t get worse. I told my mother to check on me when she goes to bed and I asked my sister to hear out for a “thump”, in case my mother has a hypoglycemic episode because there will be nothing I can do. Benadryl makes me dopey.

Therapy was good. I told him of my writing and promoting problems. I told him I would like to talk to the independent bookstore that is down the street from him. I told him I can picture myself going in but not being able to speak or if I do speak, they look at me like I am crazy and kick me out of the store. I need a pitch of some sort and I don’t have one. I never done something like this. He said to put something on my blog so I changed the theme and a friend said it looks more professional. I didn’t want flashy pictures or anything. I wish I could link my books but I haven’t been able to figure that out. Plus with me editing my book right now, I don’t want to link the 2nd book yet. My book is published but a friend said there were errors and I had to find them, and found at least 10 in the first chapter. I am so disappointed in myself as I should have caught them. I found at least 2 in the second chapter. So I will have to reload the file once I am done. I am glad the stories are short, lol. Makes for easier reading and editing. I might change things as I go along or add something. I don’t know yet.

I spent most of my time in therapy talking about writing or reading or blogging. I still have the postcards I bought that are just sitting on my bureau. I had wanted to hand them out at train entrance ways but my biggest fear would be someone reading it and then trashing it. I spent a good amount of money on them and though they might end up in the trash, I rather not in front of me or on the ground. I would mail them but not sure where I can mail them to. It is not like I have a huge mailing list or anything. I just feel stuck. I am not a good self-promoter. That is what stinks when you are a self-publisher. I have been thinking of sending them to my DJs at the radio station I listen to. One of them have been looking for Christmas cards. I bought them today so I think I will slip in a postcard. Might not go anywhere but you never know, which only means I need to really work on the editing this book faster than I wanted to. UGH. It is one thing to have an error on my blog but a book? I just don’t think that is okay, especially as that is MY book! LOL I found the thumb drive that has the last edited copy of the book before I uploaded it to Amazon. Now just got to edit, edit, edit! LOL

I just called the pharmacist to make sure that Benadryl and my pain meds didn’t interact. Fucking stupid allergy! I was panicking. Only thing is that I will be more drowsy, which I am. I won’t be editing tonight as I am just too tired. I hope I can get some work in tomorrow. I am not doing anything. I got therapy again on Wed, off Thurs, and then seeing my psych Friday where I will be having my bloodwork checked again. I am not sure if I will have to go to the pedi blood draw place, which I hated, or the adult one. My psych is a child psychiatrist as I started seeing her when I was 17. If I can choose, I prefer the adult one. Much better phlebotomists! I am feeling better so I am sure the sodium is close to normal. I still get tired after I do things but it’s mostly when I go out then come home. Even a trip to the pharmacy up the street from me will tire me out. I am not sure if that is just my chronic pain fatigue or the low sodium tired or both.

I want to make cookies tomorrow but I am not sure I will be able to because I have the editing to be done. I might do it Wed. I bought the chips a while ago but haven’t had a chance to use them. I was going to make beet brownies but I suck at making brownies. I like cookies better! I am the cookie monstah!! Ha ha.

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

I had a big flare up Wed after I came home from therapy. My foot pain was really bad. I swear the pain was on a scale of infinity. I was taking my meds but it didn’t seem to work. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until my mother got up around 7 or so am. I slept all day with her calling me at least twice to “find out where I was”. Yesterday I was in a horrible mood. I came down in the morning and my mother was just being sarcastic. I didn’t even talk to her. I just used the bathroom and then went back to my bed. I stayed there all day. I thought today I would be able go to Starbucks and read but I was much to exhausted. That flare took a lot out of me. I barely had anything to eat. I am not hungry. I thought about ordering food but I really didn’t want to go all the way downstairs to get it.

My mood still sucks, though it should be good seeing as the dufus in office is getting close to being arrested or something. It will come out soon enough. I just hope we aren’t in a war by then.

I miss baseball. It was the one dependable distraction I could count on to help me deal with the pain. Now I got nothing. Facebook has a new thing about ads. OMG. I used to just have two taps to get rid of them, now I hide them, and I have to answer why I don’t like them before I can make them go away forever (for that particular ad). I am getting so sick of Facebook. Twitter just has nothing of interest. For every one dog or cat post, there are at least five about gun control and the NRA. I followed one doc and now she retweets everything. I get it is important but I don’t want to see the damn tweets every single day around the clock!! Fuck! I really don’t know what I want my social media to be about anymore. It isn’t entertaining like it used to be.

I don’t know, maybe it is me. My interest in things are low. I really wanted to finish the book NeverWhere and though I am half way done, I am still not close to finishing it. I tried this week but the damn pain flare threw me out of whack. I tried to read it tonight but my brain just couldn’t focus. Happens when I sleep all day for a couple of days. I end up in this stupor and don’t really know what day it is. I am still in pain but it is not as bad as it was before. Even typing this on my laptop, I am finding the letters to be a challenge. I guess I am just not with it.

My mother put my cake in the fridge. I don’t think it is supposed to be so it is probably hard as a rock. I’ll probably have to dump it and I am pissed about it. Fucking bitch thinks everything goes in the fridge or can be frozen forever. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with her the last few days because I was sleeping. She was really getting on my nerves. Someone in my support group mentioned finding a roommate and renting a place, but don’t tell my family. How the hell am I supposed to move out without them knowing?? Some people just don’t think before they let their ideas out. I hope me being up this late doesn’t cause me to be sleeping all day again. I got to get my pain meds tomorrow and I want a steak and cheese for supper. I took out burgers for lunch. I got to eat something more than cookies. I had coffee today but it didn’t help me stay awake. Maybe I should have some more now, LOL. I am drowsy but every time I lay down, my brain goes into a million things. I can’t shut it off. Drives me nuts. Pain is not helping because it is giving me anxiety, which just fuels the brain fire of thoughts. I am going to try one more time and if I can’t sleep, I am reading the Neil Gaiman book. I don’t know what else to do.

Flare, writing from phone, bullshit of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

Foot and ankle are in indescribable pain. The pain level is so high I don’t think a number can be assigned to it. It went out on me when I was going up to my room after dinner. I’ve been trying to control it. Nothing has helped and sound seems to be making it worse. I can’t make any movements or my foot goes berserk. I am in fucking hell.

My mother has annoyed me all fucking day since I got up. You would think after all this time she should know not to talk to me first thing in the morning, unless I initiate the conversation. I’ve been telling her all day that I hurt. I swear if I knew how to say it in Italian, i would. Maybe then she would understand. She wanted me to take the trash and recycling down. My sister was up this morning when I used the bathroom so why didn’t she ask her to take it down? Fuck. I cannot hold something while going down the stairs when I am hurting. Too much of a risk of a fall.

I took an Uber to my therapist’s area. I had some me time finally. I wrote a page and half in my journal. I ate my favorite Starbucks sandwich (holiday). My foot was not tolerating the sock but it was freezing out so I wasn’t going to not wear one with my sneakers. I am not going out again till maybe Friday.

I feel totally horrible because of pain. I need quiet when I am in a flare but the TV downstairs was loud. I could hear it as if it was in my room. No point in asking my mother to turn it down. I am “resting” so can’t be in pain. When my ankle gave out on the stairs, she asked where my cane was and I told her my room. Then she quipped I should have rested then. Like what the fuck does resting going to fucking do? Doesn’t matter if I rest all day or not. I flare nothing is going to help!! I’ve been in my room for nearly 3 hours. Taken meds and “rested” and pain has not gone down a notch. I have a heating pad on it and it feels like I have lead on it. The pad feels so heavy on my foot. But it got cold and there was no way I was attempting to put a sock on it. That would seriously be suicide. I’d rather kill myself than try that. I took extra pain meds. I figure I would write before I was toast.

I did my transition selfies today as it is day 63. I look pitiful in them and madder than hell. I wasn’t in a good mood so didn’t care. I tried a few time not to look like an asshole but it didn’t work. Oh well. I had a member in my group go off on me. Um, no you don’t. I gave her a warning for being hostile. Didn’t want to but she was so out of line.

I wanted to read tonight but ha, that is a joke. Meds are already starting to kick in so before my writing on my phone gets garbled, I’ll end here. Ciao.

Baking Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in baking, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baking Tuesday

I had back pain throughout the night. I just woke up with pain that immobilized me. I couldn’t move so getting something to stop the pain was difficult. I woke twice hurting. I was late in taking my morning meds because I fell back to sleep after I shut off the med alarm. I got up around 11 or maybe a little after, I don’t remember. I went downstairs and my mother was sleeping sitting up. I woke her up to see if she was okay. Her back was hurting her too. I looked at the temp as I was waiting for my pancakes to heat up. Temp had dropped like 20 points in less than 24 hours. Fuck. No wonder. Didn’t matter what the barometric pressure was. Whenever a temp drops or goes higher than 10 points, I hurt. It is like my spine can’t take the change. I was determined to make this cranberry cake, though. I had to stop a few times as I just couldn’t stand. It came out okay, though I used too much butter. My brain was foggy so I couldn’t count tablespoons. I am very upset with myself because I love this cake. It is still good, just buttery. I will give some away to my barber and therapist in the morning.

I have decided I am going to use Uber for my therapy appointment. I am not messing with the bus getting there. I might take one home. I haven’t decided yet. It will depend on how I feel. I just don’t want to leave my house three hours early and not have a fricken hour to write in my journal when I take the bus and it being late. I am so sick of that. I haven’t decided if I am going to let the driver let me off at the Walgreens or Starbucks. Might be Walgreens as they have a little drop off there right at the bus stop whereas the Starbucks doesn’t.

It is supposed to be cold the rest of the week. Yesterday’s high temp was a tease. I took a nap after my baking. I was knocked out but then I didn’t sleep really good last night. I had another hard time going to sleep because of pain. By the time it settled down, it was after 1 am. I got into the book NeverWhere. I think it will be the last Neil Gaiman book I read in a while. I am going to read some more after I write this. I want to see if I can finish it by the end of the week. I don’t think I am going to complete my book challenge. I might have to lower it to like 18 books or something. I want to finish this book and then the suicidal helping book. The suicidal helping book is good but I need to reflect after I finish the chapter. There is just so much information in the short chapter and then I want the references that she puts in there, some of which I have. I am up to Tip number 19 and there are 89 so I have 70 to go. If I can read these two books for this month, I will call that a victory. I don’t think I can finish Trail of Tears as that book is very tough to read. If I can read some more of the White Fragility book, that will be good. It is not a big book, like maybe 200 pages or so. But it is not an easy book because it challenges your perception of racism towards people of color. I also want to start “The hate U Give.” So many books and I just bought two more, the Michelle Obama book and Crimes of Grindewald. I am a Potterhead! I should get Fantastical Beasts and where to find them first. The movies look amazing. I rather read the book though. Grindewald book is a screenplay so it probably is like The Cursed Child. I kind of don’t like that because it just doesn’t seem like a book where there is no description of the background or what someone looks like. I had such difficulty reading the Cursed Child because of that. I do have other books though. There is another John Grisham book, actually, I have like five books. Two hardcover and maybe three Kindle. I swear one of these days, I will get to them. I hope next year I will read more but I say that every year and it never happens. I seem to be lucky to read 14 this year.