Category: bipolar

white noise and sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

White noise and sleeping

Probably while I was writing my blog late last night, I was having a reaction to the Moscow Mule that I had. My tongue felt swollen and my throat felt really funny. I took some diphenhydramine. It took about two hours to work, but I finally felt like I wasn’t going to asphyxiate. I was in pain so I couldn’t go to sleep right away. I turned on the white noise machine to try and settle my brain from the panic I was having at having a drink I shouldn’t have had. I finally went asleep around 5. I emailed my psychiatrist telling her I wasn’t going to see her because it was like 2 am and I wasn’t asleep yet. I am glad I canceled because I didn’t get up till noon.

I woke up with a very sore throat. It hurt to talk or swallow. I wasn’t hungry so I just went downstairs to have a dessert. I told my mother what happened. Then she asked if I would call the phone company because there was sometimes static on the line. I told her I couldn’t talk because it hurt. I tweeted to the phone company but that didn’t get me anywhere. They responded and then sent me a link but I couldn’t open it on my phone. I was feeling sleepy as I took more diphenhydramine and the white noise tends to make me sleepy, a double whammy.

I didn’t know if I would blog today as I was pretty much knocked out. I just had dinner, leftovers from last night. I was shocked I didn’t get any spaghetti sauce on my shirt. The breadstick I had was good but it would have been better warm. I don’t know why their breadsticks are so damn good. I just took some more diphenhydramine because my throat is hurting.

I have been following the American Association of Suicidology conference on Twitter. Every year I get inspired by the work these people are doing. It kind of makes me feel less suicidal and wanting to go on despite of my pain and illness but then the conference ends and I am alone with my thoughts again.

I heard from the pain doc today. The secretary called to make an appt with him. I was shocked. I see him in two weeks. Maybe I will get relief or just get more annoyed than I already am.

Sad Sale Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad Sale Day

I woke up around 6 with hammering going on in my ankle bone. I took some meds but it took a while for it to settle for me to go back to sleep. I then woke up around 11 with the same hammering. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. I then heated up a burrito and made a cup of tea. I went up to my room and just read social media until I was out of tea. I wanted to read some more 1984 so went down stairs again to make another cup.

The game was just starting so I turned on the TV. Chris Sale was pitching. He faced his 3rd batter and then was hit by a line drive to the hip. I heard the hit and when they said Sale was down, I freaked out. I was on my phone when the pitch was made. I saw the replay after the play and ouch! He bruised his hip and came out of the game. There are 5 days before Opening Day and he is slated for the start. I don’t know if he will be well enough by then. Sucks because starting pitching is dwindling. I don’t know what happened to Pretty Ricky (Rick Porcello). One of their starting pitchers is going to spend the first 15 games suspended due to domestic violence he did last Oct or Nov. My poor Sox. Right now the Sox are up 3-0. I am now listening to the game as the appeal for watching was gone. I like to be resting my ankle anyway as it hurts so bad. Sitting would only aggravate it. I was happy to learn as soon as I turned on the TV that my favorite new catcher (sort of new) Christain Vasquez was signed an extension 3 year contract. Love him so much. He is like a young Molina (he did follow them before coming to the Sox). He throws out stealers of second base so quick. I loved him the first time I saw him in Spring training a few years ago.

I was late in taking my pain meds. I was supposed to take it around noon and just looked at the time. I am 2 and half hours late. I hate when I am late. I got so wrapped up in baseball. It was a good distraction for my pain. I am so glad it is back!

Windows finally realized I don’t have enough space on my hard drive so allowed me to use an external drive for some updates. I don’t know if it the updates that the stupid Win 10 assistant update thing is for. I think I might have to buy another 128GB thumb drive. I had transferred files from my 64 GB thumb so I could make a boot up thingy for my laptop because I thought I was going to get a new larger HD. I still need to call Dell to find out what are the components on my laptop as they do not match the manual. I really need to get my other laptop fixed. It might cost me $200 but I think it will be better than this piece of shit. I really should have spent the money fixing it rather than buying a new laptop. But live and learn, I guess. I will never get low memory again, either on RAM or HD.

another useless therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another useless therapy session

I was able to sleep till 1315. I didn’t want to get up but I had to. I am glad I didn’t sleep later than that because I would have been screwed to catch the bus to therapy and wouldn’t leave me time to have my much needed espresso. I had five shots today rather than four because I was so tired. It’s starting to wear off and I am getting sleepy but my foot/ankle are acting up again.

I walked to my therapist’s office. It was drizzling out and cold. The train was held up at Harvard so I was right on time for my appointment. I asked him about transgender transition and he had no clue. I was shocked. He said just to go to the LGBT clinic in Boston. He didn’t offer me any support in the matter and I felt standoffish. We talked a little bit about why I wanted to go ahead with my transition but the guy was not getting it and then he started fiddling with his fucking nails again. My mood dipped by the end of session and I felt like therapy was useless with this guy. He said time was up, see you next week, and I left.

I feel like cancelling next week’s session. I honestly don’t want to go back, at all. I think I am only going to please my psychiatrist. If I am not getting any help from the sessions, what is the purpose of going? This guy doesn’t offer any guidance and just expects me to talk for 45 minutes. I can have more fun talking to my voices than him! I want to call that female therapist back and see if she is taking new patients. I know it’s been a month since she left me a message, maybe more than that, but I got to do what I feel is right. I can’t keep feeling like a piece of shit after therapy or that my time is wasted because I didn’t get anything out of it and feel unsupported.

When we were talking about the transgender, he didn’t offer me anything or reassure me that what I am feeling is valid. He hasn’t yet to do so and it’s pissing me off. Why am I seeing a therapist if I am not going to feel supported and have my feelings validated? He hasn’t even said anything sympathetic to me like, I’m sorry or “oh no” or anything that would reassure me that he gives a shit. It’s been almost two months that I have been seeing him and I just am not feeling like there is a connection going on. I just feel like he wants to bill my insurance and listen to me rattle on and on about whatever without really hearing me and my distress.

dentist, baking, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dentist, baking, and other things

I went to the dentist this morning. I wasn’t spared a cavity and need to go back tomorrow morning to have it filled. UGH. He also told me that I need to brush better on my back molars or I will get another one on my back tooth. Trouble is, that area always makes me gag so I am careful to avoid it. Now I will have to take Zofran before brushing my teeth or something. I hate getting my teeth drilled. I’m glad I went as I was sure I was going to have to cancel because of the weather.

It snowed but it has pretty much cleared by the time I had my appointment. The streets were wet but not icy as the temp had climb up a little bit. I was sweating by the time I reached the office building with my heavy sweatshirt and jacket. I didn’t wear the jacket on the way home. I was too warm and the office was really warm. I needed to cool off some.

I still plan on making my cake today. I need to rest right now as my ankle is being a brat. My right ankle was hurting as I was walking for some reason. That pain has gone away, thank god. I can’t have both ankles hurting me. That will so suck. I need the pain meds to do their magic before I start baking.

I took a nap for a couple of hours after I made some breakfast. My niece was pounding on the back porch door and woke me up. My mother wasn’t home yet so I had to go downstairs and let her in. I thought it was odd that my mother wasn’t home as she left early this morning. Then I remembered that she had a funeral to go to and those usually last all day. I had just started making my cake when she came home. The cake came out awesome and I put chocolate mini chips on the top of the cool whip. I need to let it cool completely before having a piece. I will probably have some tomorrow.

By the time everything was said and done, my ankle was barking at me. I even sat while mixing the cake so I don’t know why it’s so angry. It’s so damn finicky. I had emailed my psychiatrist sometime before going to la la land last night but haven’t heard back from her. I didn’t sleep well as the stupid strong pain pill made me dopey and only let me sleep for two hour intervals. It sucked. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up in time for my dentist appointment but I did. I hope tonight is better. Least now I know that when I have that slicing, piercing pain to take the strong pain pill because the regular pain meds just aren’t going to cut it.