Category: blogging

Forgot how good country music is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Forgot how good country music is

I have been listening to the Country Countdown the last few hours with my favorite country artist, Hillary Scott. She is talking about her new album and her miscarriage that happened about a year ago. I feel so bad because it’s such a tragic thing to happen to women. I am glad that she was able to write a song about it to release the feelings associated with loss.

As I have been listening to the music, I have been feeling energized despite feeling tired. I want to buy the songs that I really like but thankfully I have no money in my account. I definitely going to get Blake Shelton’s new album and Sam Hunt’s song “You’re Gonna Miss Me”. I have to get Sam’s songs individually because there are some songs that I don’t like on his album. I am also contemplating getting Kelsea Ballerini’s Peter Pan. That song is really sweet. And I found another song that if I ever get married, the song by Dan and Shay is going to be it.

I was talking to one of my friends that has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We basically got caught up with our illnesses as it has been a while since we last talked. It was good talking to her again. I am glad she didn’t bring up that she wanted to have lunch. I really don’t want to meet up with her. She lives west of me and it’s kind of in the boonies of Massachusetts. I don’t think I can drive to where she is without getting lost so there is no point in meeting up.

I am glad the countdown will be over in about a half hour. I don’t think I can make it past midnight. My head is spinning though. I am feeling really hyper yet tired. It’s weird. I feel like I am sort of in a mixed state. I might have to take another trilafon to calm down.

Do Nothing Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do Nothing Sunday

I listened to the ballgame today and that is the extent of my activities. I woke up late though I wasn’t intending to. I woke up around 0845 and the next thing I knew it was 1300. I fell back to sleep. I heard my mother get up and that was the last thing I heard before returning to the dream I was dreaming.

Sox won and I am happy because they almost lost it again. They had an 8-3 lead that they squandered. The final score was 8-7. Porcello gets his win and though I usually call him “poorfellow” he is actually the best pitcher next to Wright. They have the most wins on the Sox.

I had to take a shower because I need to leave early tomorrow and I am not sure I am going to wake up early enough. Lately I have been sleeping past 0900 and I need to catch the 0950 bus tomorrow. I am seeing my psych. I hope she will agree to writing me a script for taking the trilafon twice a day but we’ll see what kind of mood I am in. Sometimes I will ask for it if I am in the mood but sometimes I am not. I am not good at getting what I need only because I am afraid to ask.

My left thigh has been killing me most of the day. I woke up with the pain so not sure what I did during the night to cause pain. It’s been another hot day so I didn’t go out. Just making breakfast/lunch in the kitchen was causing me to sweat. It’s so hot in the house. I have been taking my pain meds to ease it but I am afraid it hasn’t been doing much for it. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or what but I just know that I am in pain.

I filled my pill box and realized I needed refills on four meds. I thought about getting them today but I got lazy. I really just didn’t want to go to the store just to work up a sweat. Then I would have to shower. I need to go out tomorrow so will get them then. I don’t need them right away. My blood pressure pills came yesterday so I am good with them. I am so glad the doc sent them to the right pharmacy.

If I am able to leave my house early tomorrow I will bring my psych book to read while I am at Starbucks. I hope to get paid tomorrow but it might not be until Tuesday. Drives me crazy because technically, I am supposed to get paid today but because it is Sunday, the bank is closed. I have just enough funds for an espresso over ice. Whenever I do get paid, I need to get coffee for the house because I am out. I am going to experiment making iced coffee once I get more coffee. I think 3 scoops of coffee to the same amount of water over ice might be perfect. I might have to play with it to get it right.

I really want to see my therapist this week. I am going to try and make it happen. I would like to see her the week of her birthday but I don’t think I can swing it. I got a huge grocery bill to get because my mother wants meat and I want my steak. I decided to get a filet mignon so I can grill it. I plan on marinating it first with the other steaks that I bought. Hope the marinade is good. It’s the first time making it. I have been trying to keep the grocery bill between $150-$200 but I am not sometimes successful. I do review the order and then take away things that are expensive or junk food.

My mood has been down for most of the day. I think it’s because I have been sleeping more. The psychosis seems to be controlled. I have been trying to just take 1 pill a day and see how I do because I only have 6 pills left. I need to wait for the refill to come in, which won’t be until later this week because my doc called in the mail order instead of the retail pharmacy. Now that I think of it, I could have taken the bottle to the pharmacy for a faster refill, duh. Oh well.

Saturday Blog 57

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 57

It’s another hot day. We are in the middle of a heatwave as the temp has been above 90 for more than three days. The humidity sucks. I was going to go out today but I overslept. You really have to get up early and go to Starbucks or you might not be able to get a seat. It was too hot out to attempt it so I just stayed in. I made my own coffee, which I think I only have one cup left. Hope it’s enough to get me through till Tuesday when I get paid next.

I read a little bit today. The story just seems to be dragging on and on. No real drama or action. I am close to being in the middle of the book and still have no idea where the story is heading. But I will read the book anyways because I am a stickler like that.

I didn’t have lunch or breakfast until about a half hour ago. My mother was asking why I didn’t eat. I told her because I was sleeping. Then I had coffee and it killed my appetite further. The house is really hot so I try not to be outside my room for too long. I think for supper I am going to make a tuna sandwich. I don’t know why I have been craving tuna lately. It’s like my go-to food when I don’t know what else to eat.

I have been feeling down since last night. I thought about my father and it brought about a deep sadness. I texted my sister and she said she felt the same way whenever she thought of him. Then I was a little bit haunted by suicidal thoughts. I just thought about what it would be like if I was dead. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know why I am living. My life just seems stupid.

One of the clinicians I follow on Twitter was looking for readers for his upcoming new textbook. I emailed him to see if I can read one of the chapters and give him feedback. I told him I am not a student but I have lived experience. I hope he doesn’t turn down the request. I plan on getting the book anyways but if I do read it, it will be a free copy and my name will be in the book.

I keep perusing my blogs hoping to find one “good enough” for my book. There hasn’t been many that I have come across yet. I know most of my blogs are just my day to day struggles and accounts of my daily activities. Most of the blogs deal with my never ending nerve pain or some type of pain that I am having in my foot/ankle. I think I wrote more about my pain than about my suicidality/depression. Now my blogs are mostly about my psychosis and dealing with voices. I am still in pain but I just don’t write about it.

I also used to write about my father as he was always the source of aggravation for me. Since his death, I just been dealing with his loss. The memories of what he went through the last four months of his life are still fresh in my mind. I never got to finish the story of his last hour of death. Maybe it’s better to keep it in my mind rather than on paper.

my new book and other musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My new book and other musings

Last night I was struggling with fixing the errors that my word doc had on it on my new book. I wanted to see how many pages I had so I knew how many more to write. After all was said and done, there seems to be about 99 pages to go. If I work at least 2-3 pages a day, I might be able to get it done by the end of the year. I have been going over my blogs that I have written over the past year and sort of picking out which ones I deem “best” for my book. It’s a lot of work as I have a LOT of blogs as I write nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. But it beats having to open up word docs on my screen and reading them. This way here if something seems interesting, I just pull up the word doc, and then pasted it in the template that I have, once I edit it to make sure there are no errors.

I didn’t do anything except make coffee today, so far. I had a crappy sleep as I kept on waking up every two hours or so. It was so annoying. So I slept late right through the afternoon. I haven’t had anything to eat except for two cookies. I am out of my coffee. I seriously have to buy some more next week. I can’t be without my coffee. I might have to use my sister’s Keurig this weekend. The Keurig cups she has is decent coffee. It’s not Starbucks quality but close enough. I am going to try the new Brazil coffee next week and see if I like it.

I started reading a new book on how to write a novel by Lawrence Block. I don’t think of myself as a novel writer but after the new book is written, I will have to write something else. I don’t know if I can do it but I can try. I know I am no Neil Gaiman or even Lawrence Block but writing does come naturally to me.

Yesterday I was bored so I decided to clean out my junk hamper. It was a collection of all suicide research articles and books. I don’t know how they accumulated there but they did. Unfortunately, the book I was hoping to find, wasn’t there. I have no idea where the book is so I marked it off my reading list as “read”. I was half way through it anyway. It bothers me that I don’t know where this book ended up. I will find it when I am looking for something else.

I was going to shower last night but I got lazy. I think I will today after dinner. It’s a really hot day, again and the house is hot. I was hoping for it to cool down last night but it never did. I want to try and go out tomorrow to get an espresso over ice while reading the psych book I bought. It would be nice to finish the chapter.

My friend in Canada sent me the link to her post office. They have Canadian Star Trek stamps that I want to get for my brother-in-law and I. I think he will really like it as he is a Star Trek junkie like I am. The stamps don’t come out in the US until September. I plan on getting several sheets to save as well as use, not that I use snail mail that often. Or maybe I will just save them.