Category: blogging

Addicted to Mr. Misunderstood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Addicted to Mr. Misunderstood

Since buying Eric Church’s latest album, I have been listening to it nonstop. The harmonies and lyrics just resonate with me. While I was driving down to see my cousin today and especially while driving back, I was jonesing for the music. It was the first time that I ever wanted to listen to my music over the radio. It’s been a week and I am getting used to the songs and they run through my head and I will have to listen to a song.

My meet up with my cousins went well. We had a good time. I really didn’t want to leave but it was getting late and the traffic was bad. They had a football and hockey game today so there was a lot of traffic. Once we passed the city, it was smooth sailing. My cousin gave me some stuff of my Godfather’s. It was nice of her to give me his school yearbook and other little things. She even gave me my favorite cookies that I like. She doesn’t help my diet. I told her I am just a cookie monster when it comes to cookies. I am sure they won’t last long as well as the other goodies she gave me.

OSU lost today. Their first loss of the season. It made me sad as their winning streak came to an end. I really thought that they would stay undefeated but they were playing a tough team.

I came home and got really cold. I needed to catch some sleep. I didn’t mean to nap. I just wanted to get warmed up, take my meds and then fall asleep for the night. That what was running through my mind anyway. Didn’t happen. Now I am awake and can’t really sleep. I hope I get to sleep soon. This staying up most of the night and then sleeping during the day sucks. Fucking pissed me off the other day when my mother came into my room to “check” on me because I didn’t answer her phone call. I was sleeping and she fucking woke me up. She just doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night. I have tried telling her this and all I get is that I am lazy. Just depresses me further.

There won’t be a quote for today. I just haven’t the energy to find one. My heart is just too heavy.

Tolerating depression and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Been reading “Suicide as Psychache” by my buddy Edwin Shneidman. He is such a verbose writer. And he uses obscure words. Reading it is like swallowing a dictionary. I just read a section that deals with highly suicidal persons in psychotherapy. He describes how to lower the perturbation and lethality to keep the person alive. As I was reading this, I was thinking about the first responders and police officers who deal with suicidal situations all the time. Their judgement must be quick. They don’t have the time to pull out a piece a paper and write down the reasons of their perturbations. They just have to quiet down the person enough to take them to the hospital for possible treatment, assuming the suicide was in progress when they approached. It is different than what goes on in the private office of the therapist.

I also have been thinking about my own suicidality. It’s hard not to when you are reading a book about the subject. I know I want to die. But as Shneidman states, death is always inevitable, so why rush it? I feel like I don’t want to get older. My birthday is coming up and I just cannot bear it. It has never been a source of joy in my adult years. I always dread it. It will be taking place in a little over a month. My therapist keeps on harping on the frustrated needs that I have that are pushing me to my death. It isn’t all about my needs that are pushing me to my death. I feel like I am not making a difference anymore. I hardly have any friends that I talk to on a regular basis. People think of me and I think of them but no contact happens.

Today I will be visiting my cousin’s wife. She is the wife of my Godfather who I was thinking of last week as it was his birthday. I will be going with my other cousins that I am close to. One of them is sympathetic to my depressions and suicidal states. The other is not so sympathetic. We have about a 45 min to an hour drive to see my Godfather’s wife. The ride is going to be interesting. I am nervous about this. I am not in a suicidal state, so that is good. But I am depressed. I know that I will put on my “happy” face so that I don’t worry them as we take this long drive.

I wish my menses would stop but I am still in the middle of the cycle. I so want to go back to wearing boxers. My cousins don’t know that I am transgender. It’s just not something we talk about. But then there are a lot of things we don’t talk about. One of my cousins just became a grandmother so I guess we will be talking about that for most of the ride. I have yet to meet the grandbaby. I hope I do someday. I am not that close to my “little” cousins as I once was. It’s hard when you don’t have a car. But it’s also hard when you don’t get invited to events in their lives.

I still feel empty inside, like I got nothing inside me. My heart is heavy. Nothing tastes good. I found an article about an antidiabetic medication that helps with depression. I passed it along to my pdoc to see if this med might work for me. It’s supposedly good for those with insulin resistance and I also have that. I hope my pdoc considers it. I will take anything that will help me at this point. If it will help fill this void that is called my life, I will try it. I haven’t looked into the drug. I will when my pdoc gives the okay to take it. I will look at the side effects and such. All I have been doing lately is tolerating my depression and suicidality. It’s all I can do lately.

Quote of the Day 21 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

Most suicide is a dreary and dismal wintry gale within the mind, where the vital issue that is being debated is whether to try to stay afloat in a stormy life or willfully to go under to nothingness. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Wiped Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wiped Out

I went to see my father today. I had to go to Stop and Shop to get one of his meds and while I was there decided to get some powerade. I got seven bottles and didn’t take into account their weight. I drank one while I was at my father’s because I was thirsty and I figured it would lessen the load. Wrong. I had to walk all over the building because he wanted me to check his mail and empty the trash. When I left and got to the station, I realized I had his keys in my pocket so had to go back to return it. My ankle wanted to kill me. I found the ace bandage and was wearing it. I have a nice indentation of the swelling marks from all the walking that I did. I am so glad I didn’t wear my OSU hoodie. I would have died as it got really warm when I left my father’s. I was sweating by the time I finally hit the final stretch home. I am tired and I am glad my mother didn’t go out shopping today because I wouldn’t answer the phone.

I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well and been going since 0400. I did manage to call my doctor’s office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. Like crack of dawn morning. I have to leave my house at 0700 to be there on time. I am going to be sore as anything tomorrow. I have to be up by at least 0600. I am going to try and take a shower tonight. Depends on how cooperative my ankle is later. I last took a shower yesterday morning, like at 0200 because I thought it would relax me to go back to sleep. Yea right. I am sure I will sleep tonight, though. I won’t take any Neurontin but I will take a couple of Ativan. I hope that will ease the soreness. I hope I don’t have to go through the entire history of why I need hormone pills to stop my menses.

I gave in and bought Eric Church’s new album and I am glad I did. I love this album! I haven’t stopped listening to it. There isn’t a song that I don’t like. I have two songs that I constantly have on repeat. One is obviously, Mr. Misunderstood. They other is “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. I printed out the lyrics for my therapist. There is a chance I might see her next week, depends if I get the Zipcar card. I got approved for Zipcar today. I am so excited. I got wheels when I want them, which is good because my father needs to see his doctor. I had to cancel his last appointment due to lack of transportation.

My mood is just tired. I am still depressed and kind of suicidal but not so much. I just feel blah, not caring about anything. The voices are still kicking around but are not too “loud”. I think that is because I am so tired. If I was anxious or agitated, I think the story would be different.

This month I decided to keep track of how many times I use the bus and train to see if buying a monthly pass was worth it. It is, as my preliminary data shows. I haven’t passed the dollar mark, but I am close to it, and the month isn’t over yet.