Category: blogging

two shots of gin

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

Two shots of gin

The bottle of Beefeater gin was staring at me all day. So I had a few shots. I know it wasn’t the smartest thing I have done but since I left the hospital, I have been thirsty for an adult beverage. Today my pain isn’t bad, so I don’t have to worry about mixing the alcohol with my pain meds.

I did something good today. I walked 1.2 miles. The first time I ever walked that distance. I am pretty sore but I will be resting tomorrow. My foot wanted to turn the more fatigued I got so it is hurting and feels like I have a blister forming. I don’t know. There is nothing there right now but might be there in the morning. My foot is also swollen so I really have to be off my feet for the next 24 hours. I then found out that the temp today was 90 degrees. No wonder I was a sweaty mess. I didn’t think it was that hot but damn, what a stupid thing I did. Oh well.

I got my editing done on the short story piece that I am working on for my next book. My book is now 50% done. I just need to edit a few blog entries and it will be ready for publication soon. I was on a writer’s website today and they said that short story collections don’t sell well. I was bummed but I am going to put one out just the same. It can’t do worse than my book. It is going to be a risk, but I think this time, I am going to market my book better than my first one. If it doesn’t sell, I will pull it.

I also took a chance on the same writing website by trying to get an agent. I sent a query, which I have never done before. I will know in 1-4 weeks if she will accept my book. If I get a different publisher, it will be great. Maybe I will also get more publicity for my book, which will mean more sales, hopefully. I told my writing partner but haven’t heard anything back from her yet.

Other than being exhausted from my little hike I took today, I am feeling okay. My foot is hurting but that is my normal pain. I am nervous about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It is all about the transgender piece that I wrote. She might go off and I will have to hear her rant all session about how I should go to the next step in my transition. That will be painful. And once she starts, it is so damn hard to shut her up. I might be able to change the subject, if I am able to get a word in edge wise. I just want her opinion on the article and see what she thinks about it. I don’t want to talk more about it than that. Maybe she will cancel on me…

I have been listening to the radio most of the day today. I can’t tell you how many times they play the same songs every four hours. I don’t listen to repeats on my MP3 player so even though listening to new country music was refreshing, listening to my favorite songs that I had on mp3 more than once was killing the song. I have listened to the songs over and over so I know every word to the song but usually I like to listen to the song once a day and that is all. I get my fix. If I want to hear it again because it is stuck in my head, that is a different story. I think the radio kills so many good songs because they just play them over and over again. Pisses me off. I finally shut the radio off just now because they were playing “banjo” by Rascal Flatts. I can’t stand that song! It just annoys me. Nothing to do with them playing the song over and over again, it is just that I like ballads from the Flatts boys.

I couldn’t remember if I took my blood pressure medication this morning or not. This morning was kind of rough. I woke up around 0630 due to a bad dream. I had taken a bunch of Neurontin to quiet the nerve pain that I have been feeling all day yesterday so I was kind of out of it when I woke up. It took a cup of coffee and some breakfast to get my brain back in working order. I think I took them before making breakfast but I am not sure. I would count the pills but I mixed my old script with the new one so I really don’t have a correct pill count. So if I missed taking them this morning, oops. I hate taking pills in the morning. I really like to take them around noon when I am somewhat more awake. But I am still sort of on hospital schedule for meds. I am trying to break out of it but I keep failing at it. Because of my sleep difficulties, I have been trying to go to sleep later but take my meds around 8 PM. Doesn’t always work out that way but I try. This way I am asleep, hopefully by 9 or 10 PM. Only trouble with this line of reasoning is that I wake up around midnight or one in the morning. Fucking sucks. That is what happened last night. I woke up at one because of a stupid crazy dream and decided to take Neurontin to get back to sleep. I was expecting to sleep most of the day but I woke up instead at 0630 due to another crazy ass dream. And I can’t even recall it now. I wrote down the other dream in my journal as I wrote before the meds knocked me out. So because I didn’t sleep more than eight hours, I was kind of foggy this morning. No, I didn’t take the meds to harm myself. I have taken large doses of Neurontin before so I know the drug well. Only side effect other than being foggy is an appetite of a horse. Though my appetite has been okay for the most part today. I will probably get the hungry horrors tomorrow.

agitated ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t have therapy today. I was hoping a spot would open up but it never happened. Now I have to wait till Tuesday to talk to my therapist again. This sucks. I had a very busy day and need to talk about it.

I took my father to his appointment and surprisingly, he didn’t cause my already high blood pressure to skyrocket. I went to my appointment and just as I thought, my PCP increased the new blood pressure medication that I am on. Luckily, I was spared the weight issue/reprimand.

I have been feeling anxious all day. I have been up since 0530 and I can’t seem to calm down. I took an Ativan when I took my morning meds, hoping that would calm me down some but it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am such a friggen wreck. I am wicked tired, actually, I am beyond tired. I know that I won’t be able to rest as I am too restless to stay still long enough to sleep. I just have been going all day. I had a bad dream that caused me to wake up at 0530. I don’t remember what it was about now. I know it had to do with my mother. I just hope the dream doesn’t come true.

I think most of it has to do with the transgender piece I wrote yesterday, not the public version but the password protected one. I don’t think my therapist has read it yet and I am nervous about it.

I got an email from my pdoc asking if I can come in earlier tomorrow and I am like whoa, our appointment isn’t until next week. I really don’t want to do ANYTHING tomorrow because my leg is acting up. I got the nerve pain zaps last night and my foot has been on fire since it happened. I haven’t been able to calm it down because there is nothing I can take for it. I need a day to rest after I spent most of the day in my AFO brace (ankle/foot orthotic). My leg is also angry at me because my PCP had to press on my leg to see if it hurt. Fucker. Now I have to take my pain meds to quiet that down too. I am just going to have a party tonight with my meds and see what works and what doesn’t. I got to get rid of this anxiety first though. I think I will take an Ativan and hope for the best. Then I can take the nerve pain med and hope it puts the fire out in my foot. It sucks to have your foot constantly burning and knowing there is nothing you can take for it. I was driving today so I was limited in what I could take. It is just driving me crazy and I know that is probably one of the reasons why my anxiety is up and why I am so restless. I just can’t sit still. But writing has given me something to focus on, least for the time being.

I don’t really feel like I am hypomanic as I do not have a good mood. I am still really depressed. This agitation is killing me though. I think I am going to take some of my nerve pain meds and see if that calms me down. If it doesn’t, I will take an anti-psychotic. I just cannot stand being like this. And I really want to take a nap, though it is getting close to bed time so I probably shouldn’t. UGH!!! So frustrated.

I am happy that my PCP didn’t restrict the number of pills I got for my pain meds due to my psych hospitalization. He asked if I did something and I told him no. He doesn’t need to know what lead to the hospitalization, just that I was there because my blood pressure was crazy! This is the second time that my blood pressure was out of control during an inpatient psych visit. I don’t know if it was because of the stress that I was under or what. But I do know that I need to lose some weight to keep it under control with ONE medication rather than two. My biggest fear is that I will become hypotensive (low blood pressure). But I have been monitoring my bp at home so I don’t think that will be a problem. I take my blood pressure twice a day and the pressure seems to be worse at night. Happened while in the hospital too so no change there. Though I did want to slap one of the mental health workers when she asked me if I was drinking enough. Stupid dumbass. My pressure would be low if I was dehydrated. And I drank lots while I was in the hospital. Mostly ginger ale and juice cocktail (OJ and cranberry juice). I wish I could have had some vodka with the juice sometimes. I swore I was going to have a shot of gin when I got out but I still haven’t had it. I lost the feeling for drinking. Plus, it doesn’t mix with my pain meds.

I took my nerve pain meds. It better knock out the stupid burning pain that I am experiencing. I don’t usually have this type of pain. I usually have a physical type of pain that is helped with pain meds (narcotic kind). The nerve pain meds are not narcotic. And it doesn’t make sense since I have increased my mood stabilizer as that also can knock out nerve pain. Man, things are really messed up. I am on too many meds. I got to find a way to get off them.

ramble 072

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Ramble 072

I had my therapy session today. She was overwhelmed with the amount of letters I had written to her while I was in the hospital. We talked a lot about what transpired in the hospital while she was on vacation. I don’t remember if the letters contain what my stay was about, chances are they will give more detail than I can remember.

After my appointment, like my routine goes, I went to Starbucks and actually did write up the short story I wrote while in the hospital. I was hoping to add to it while typing it out but no such luck. I just have a little over 500 words. I don’t even think you can call it an essay.

I forgot how I wrote the short story piece. It was very personal and yet depressing, leaving me feeling like I was boxing myself in on purpose. But it wasn’t clear why I was doing so. Sure, I gave a few reasons but it still wasn’t clear what it was that was causing the pressure to build up, fueling the suicidal feelings and depression that went with it. I know that if I answer this question, I might be able to write a longer piece to place it in my short story book. I am not going to publish it as a blog because I want some part of my book not to be blog entries. Right now, ALL of my second book are blog entries. I know, real original.

I didn’t walk too much today than my normal route to and from Starbucks. I did have to stand a bit while waiting for the bus that was late. It didn’t come till almost 20 minutes later. That is a long time for me to be standing. Luckily, I bumped into a former co-worker and we chatted while we waited for our respective buses. But I guess standing for that length of time, my leg is hurting me. And I still had the block and half walk home from the bus stop. My foot and ankle are swollen like I have been on them all day and they hurt. I just hope it doesn’t keep me up at night like last night and the night before last. I have been waking up in the wee hours of the morning in pain. Last night I waited out my night time meds and I was still up till three in the morning. Luckily, my niece came to my room around 9 to say her good-bye to me. She is leaving for college today and will be now spending time in her dorm. She is not far, she still will be in Boston just not at home so often. I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. I miss her terribly already and she has only been gone since this morning.

I am feeling depressed today but I have forced myself out of the house today and I felt a little better. I was able to get a seat at Starbucks, one with a table for two rather than the large common table to write. I was sitting on the bench side but had to move to the chair because the cushion was like a water bed. Every time someone moved, you moved with it. It was making me seasick. I am glad I forced myself to get out of the house. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it after my therapy appointment because I was down and tired afterwards. Therapy can be draining at times. Though today it wasn’t that bad because I was just getting caught up of what was going on while I was in the hospital. She too frowned at the thought of the case manager (CM) trying to stop me from being a suicidologist. In fact, with me writing another blog for the AAS, I am sure she (the CM) would be having a fit right now. But I am free from her clutches. She just doesn’t understand suicide the way I do. She thinks it is triggering. But really it is not, if you see things in a clinical type of way. And I mostly read professional articles on suicide, not so much people’s blogs about how they attempted to kill themselves or that they are going to kill themselves. I know my blog is about that. But it is my blog and I will write what I WANT. No one is going to tell me what I can or can’t write when it comes to my personal experiences on suicide. I struggle too much with the thoughts to give a damn what people think and if it is too much for them, then go find another blog to read. There are many out there that has nothing to do with suicidal thinking or chronic pain or struggles with being a transgendered person.

In fact, I am struggling right now with the TG issue because I had to stop my birth control pill to have a mense. I was getting too many days of discharge and it had to be done. Supposedly, I am only supposed to go three months on and one week off then continue. I can go for up to four or five months without having to have a break. And I am hating it because I have to wear female clothing and feminine products. Not to mention the bleeding that messes with your mind. But no one understands this except another FTM (female to male) person. I really need to find another transgendered person to talk to about this because it really does a number on me mentally. I know they exist somewhere. So if another blogger knows of one, please comment so I can get to know you, if you are comfortable doing so.

Runaway Train

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

“Can you help me remember how to smile
make it somehow all seem worthwhile
how on earth did I get so jaded
life’s mysteries seem so faded”

These are the lyrics to Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train. These lyrics have been resonating with me over the past few days. The meaning is quite clear. I feel I don’t remember how to smile. Life seems jaded, far away from me. Another line is “somehow I’m neither here nor there” I ave been struggling with my alter Mr. Hyde the past few days. Last night he really wanted to come out and play. So I let him write yesterday’s blog and the lyrics to this song for my therapist. He seemed satisfied.

Runaway Train has been my favorite song since it came out in the early 90’s. The lyrics touch me very deeply. It’s a song about abuse, neglect, and the need to escape these things. Yet not matter where we go, they always follow us. Like the lyrics state “Runaway train never going back, wrong way on a one way track, seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I’m neither here nor there”

Every time hear the song my heart aches because I can never escape the pain. One of the tracks is “bought a ticket for a runaway train, like a madman laughing at the rain, a little out of touch, little insane, Just easier than dealing with the pain.

I interpret the ticket with suicide and how pain is dealt with. Suicide, for me, has always been my ticket out of this world. I read about it to understand it better. I write about it to feel better. Yet I know one day I will lose the battle, like Robin Williams, and take my own life. There is no way I can educate my family for my loss. For they refuse to acknowledge that I have mental illness. According to my sister “there is no mental illness on her side of the family”. This was said three weeks after my last hospitalization for depression. It’s tough to deal with. Yet I have no strength to educate them after all these years. I am surprised my brother in law hasn’t called me. But then, he, too, is in denial about things.

The last line of the song always gets me. It says “I runaway but it always seems the same” And it’s true. No matter how many times I have a depressive episode, it’s like my first and aways feels like it’s never going to end. Then I remember, usually by the scars on my wrist, that things were worst. Things always seem the same with depression but they never really are. Each episode takes a piece of you that cannot be replaced or taken back. Each episode tears you apart ad brings you to the edge of suicide nearly every time. And it hurts in ways you cannot describe. So I am on the one way track, trying never to go back, but I’m neither here nor there.