Category: blogging

Saturday Blog 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 7

Woke up in pain early this morning. Then my stomach joined in the fun and I have been aching ever since. It is the worst gastritis I have had in quite some time. I have taken all the usual antacids you can take to quiet it down and nothing has helped. Eating makes it worse so I have been trying to not eat but I am hungry. I wish I could make some rice but I am so bad at it. I always burn it or overcook it. I need the 90 sec rice by Uncle Ben. I made the mistake last night of eating pizza around 9pm. It was very greasy pizza and it is still with me. My stomach did not like it as much as my taste buds did.

I did too much today but not in “normal” people terms. I stayed in. I haven’t left the house since Tuesday but I have been up and down the stairs most of the day as I just feel cooped up in my room. I also took a shower which inflamed my leg. It looks more like a tree trunk than a leg right now. So I am back in my bed, with the AC. It is really warm today. I don’t do well with heat. I haven’t since my nerve injury. I have become more intolerant over the years.

I haven’t pushed my book all week. It is hard being a self-promoter when you are in a lot of pain. I still have to send my book off for review. I am hoping that the AAS is kind to me. I also plan on donating a couple of books to my hometown library. It’s just a matter of getting there and right now walking is too difficult.

I still have not made my way to the pharmacy to refill my pain meds. Today was not a good day as I could barely walk between my stomach hurting and my leg flaring. I have been up since 4 and it sucks. I really hate hurting this much. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

I stayed away from coffee today and elected to have chamomile tea this morning. It helped some, though not as much as I was expecting. I wish the stomach pains would go away. I really hate it hurting. If my stomach wasn’t hurting, I would have had coffee today. I really am getting into having it at home and that is making me stay at home more because why have coffee at Starbucks? It is making me more of a hermit. I hardly have reason to leave the house anymore. I know I am supposed to be resting, and I am for the most part. But not leaving the house for almost a week now is a record for me. I don’t have any doc appointments until the following week. I talk with my therapist on the phone because I don’t have a car to go out to see her. She is thirty miles away from me. She used to be in the next town over but as she moved along in her road, I have followed her.

I should, if the swelling in my leg is down, I will go out on Monday, or try to. I really miss having my Kati Kati iced coffee. It’s a coffee from Africa and I love it. Last summer it came out and it was so good. It is one of my favorites. I am NOT going to buy some for home because I really will never leave the house, unless I run out of half and half!

Daily living activities and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daily living activities and pain

I made dinner tonight. Nothing extravagant. Just boiled some potatoes for potato salad and my mother made grilled cheese. The whole peeling the potatoes killed me even though I was sitting down while I peeled them. My foot just couldn’t take the pressure on the floor I guess. I must have stood maybe ten minutes to get the potatoes in a bowl and cool them off some so we could eat them. I made potato salad with vinegar as they were too hot for the traditional mayonnaise. I will make them tomorrow as we still have some potatoes left over.

I am in so much pain from doing a little cooking. I made myself breakfast this morning and it wasn’t as bad as it is right now. I can’t believe that just standing for a about 10-15 minutes caused my pain levels to explode. Granted I am not supposed to be doing any of this. I am supposed to be resting to get my swelling down but I just can’t stay in bed all day. I am really bummed out that doing something simple hurt me so bad. I was going to take a shower today but that is off the list.

I am supposed to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to drop off my prescription for my pain meds. I have no fucking idea how I am supposed to walk there when I am in this much pain. My sister has a graduation party to go to so it’s not like I can borrow her car or have her drive me. I am so doped up it’s probably good that I am not behind the wheel. I am going to have to force myself to walk the three blocks to the pharmacy tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it because I know I am going to be hurting. I might as well stay and wait to have it filled as I don’t want to pick up the script the next day. I will just be in the same position as I am in now. I still have to walk the three blocks either way.

My cousin called me today and pissed me off. He asked where have I been and said he left a message the other day. That is bullshit because I don’t have a call from him. I checked my phone log and the last time he called me was last week. I hate liars. Then he said maybe I didn’t get the message. That really ticked me off. I quickly got off the phone with him as I said I wasn’t in the mood to talk. But he would let me off the phone without knowing why I was so pissed off. UGH. I don’t know why I answered the phone to begin with!!

I finally got the number for the junk car company to remove my car in the driveway. Now I just have to make the call. LOL I was talking with my writing partner about this. My family has been hounding me to get rid of the car. I don’t know why. It’s not like it’s bothering anyone. But they just do it to annoy me. My sister even volunteered to call for me. But I got mad and said I would call, don’t be rushing me. I stormed out of the house and went back to my room. I have been in a lousy mood and it’s hard to call people when you are hurting. My family just doesn’t understand how much energy it take just for me to go down the stairs to pee. I hate being like this but this is what my life has become. I can’t do simple things anymore. I am just too depressed and overwhelmed. My family thinks it’s because I am lazy but I am not. I just am too overwhelmed with stuff. And I hate talking on the phone. I get worried that I might not get a good deal for the car and I will get screwed. One place already tried to get me at a lower price than what is advertised in the paper. I will call tomorrow. I have the paper by my bed and hopefully by noon, I will call one of the three numbers and see what I can get for the car.

I know my sister wants some money from me because she cleaned out the car. I didn’t ask her, she just did it on her own. It was nice of her to do it but I hate that she now wants money for it. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

I am really worried about one of my blogger friends. She is going through a rough time. I wish I could help her but she is across the country, on the west coast of the US. We chat usually late at night if I am up but my late at night is early evening for her. We have a three hour difference in time so it’s sometimes hard to arrange a chat. I just hope she gets through whatever she is going through without harming herself. She is talking about going back to the hospital as a defeat and I wish she didn’t think of it as that. She needs help and the hospital is there to help her. I think that is part of the stigma of having mental illness. People that are frequent visitors of the hospital take it as a personal setback of some kind when it shouldn’t be viewed as such. It’s reaching out and admitting you need help and that takes more courage than anything. I used to think like her but I realized that my life is complicated and I have severe mental illness. It requires me to be in the hospital time and time again. There might be some shame in that but it really needs to end if we are to end the stigma around mental illness.

I know a blogger/twitter person that instead of calling it mental illness, she calls it for mental health. To me, that is different. People who are mentally healthy don’t end up in the hospital a few times a year or take psych medication on a daily basis. They don’t struggle with their illness every day, be it bipolar, depression, or schizophrenia. It pisses me off when people try and pawn off one thing for something else. Yes, I would like to be mentally healthy but that is never going to happen and I am not being pessimistic. That is reality.

Ideas are like Stars

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ideas are like stars

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I am writing this. The name of the album is “Songs from the movie”. She has a song called “Ideas are like stars” so I thought that would be my title tonight.

I had a visit with my writing partner. It really hurt to go out to see her but it was worth it. I have the rest of the week to be on bed rest. I am icing my ankle as it is pretty swollen. After the visit, my father wanted me to help him with something but I was unable to. It was a wasted trip. But at least I made the effort. That really flare up my pain. On the bus ride home, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to walk home the block and half. But I did ok once I started walking. I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t walk. I probably would start crying from despair.

I really have been thinking about my last blog post about DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder. My therapist and I talked about it most of session yesterday because apparently I shifted tones in the blog and I didn’t even notice it. We talked more about it today as I read through the blog last night and didn’t notice any shifting. I read her the blog and it was when I started talking about suicidal gauge that she noticed the shift. It was very subtle, least to me anyway. She thinks that I may have dissociative disorder not otherwise specified because I am so good at it. Even when I am in severe pain, I don’t feel it most of the time because I just block it out of my mind. Like I am doing right now. My ankle is hurting me really bad but only if I focus on it. As long as I treat it as “background noise” it doesn’t bother me. I know I will have to take some pain medication because it is getting to be a 10 soon. There is only so much dissociating I can do before I break down and need to take something.

We did the SSF (Suicidal Status Form) again today to assess where I am at. I am still partly suicidal. She asked about self-hate and I told her I was ugly. That set off a long discussion about how I am not. Also brought about the body image issues that are contributing to my self-hate. I sent her a picture last night of my writing partner and I and she said that I was “adorable”. I thought I looked retarded in the picture. I am guessing we will talk more about this our next session.

Normal people sleep at this hour. But those in chronic pain are up fighting the demons that are keeping them awake. No one knows of this battle. It is kept in silence because no one wants to hear it. Tomorrow when I wake up grumpy for my coffee I will make sure no one is home so I can drink it in peace. People think that because I am in my room all the time I sleep. I hardly do anymore. The pain demons keep me up. It is a battle I face night after night. I am alone.

Midnight demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Midnight demons are out tonight

Since Midnight I have been in some serious pain. I got very distress and despondent. I thought about killing myself and was cursing my therapist for allowing me to still exist. A blogger friend was posting blogs so I asked her if she wanted to chat and we chatted for a few hours. She had to go because she had some stuff to do in the morning. Which is fine. I understand.

I still am in pain three hours later despite taking pain meds and using a pain gel. I don’t think I am going to sleep tonight and all I can think about is killing myself. I posted on FB that I wanted to use a chainsaw to chop my leg off. I seriously wonder if that is the better course of action. Just cut out the part that is hurting. I know there will be something called phantom pain afterwards but it can’t be worse than what I am going through right now. At least then, I will know WHY I am in pain. There is NO FUCKING REASON why I should be in pain. I didn’t do a damn thing today to warrant this pain. There is nothing wrong with my damn foot and ankle. Yet it hurts really bad. And it is burning me so bad. Pain is so bad I can’t even describe it. All I know is that I am hurting and want to kill myself. Just everything is dark and gray. I feel so hopeless. I know I am never going to get better.

I was talking with an ex-coworker tonight. I missed talking with her and she answered my text. We chatted for a bit and she asked when I was coming back to work. When I said I didn’t know if I could because of my pain, she chimed in that if I stop complaining maybe I would have my job back. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe she would say something so insensitive. My pain is real and I suffer greatly. I don’t know why I suffer the way I do but I do. I got really upset. But then I thought she is ignorant and doesn’t know what I go through every day. She doesn’t know how hard it is going down the stairs or that I have to limit my standing time or I will pay dearly for it. Sure I can suck it up and not complain. But then it will only fuel the demons. I kept quiet about my internal psychological pain for years and where did that get me? Nothing but psych hospitalizations after psych hospitalizations. Lead to cutting and drinking and more hospitalizations. So when I can finally express myself, why should I keep my physical pain inside? That is one of the reason why people kill themselves because people don’t know just how bad their pain hurts them. That is why people see their doctors only to get turned away because their pain doesn’t show up on any test. My x-rays and MRI shows there is nothing physically wrong with me. Yet my pain is real and it hurts really bad right now. So bad I am thinking of taking my life. So how can that be made up? How can it be held inside? The longer I keep it to myself the deeper it grows. They say that if you swear after stubbing a toe it lessens the pain. Well no matter much I swear, there is no lessening of this pain. I must rely on pain medication to help me deal with my pain. I wish it worked on my psychological pain but it doesn’t. Nothing helps my psychological pain. When both flares up (physical and psych) I am in the deepest waters struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. When I am not, someone comes by with a dinghy and I stay afloat.

I think my foot hurts just because it wants to. I think that I have been in pain for so long it doesn’t know what else to do but hurt me. And that causes my demons to worse and give me self doubt that this is all in my head. My therapist thinks that because of PTSD I have to be treated for my pain for my own safety. That if I am not treated, my PCP might as well just sign my death certificate. She is partially right. But I have a high pain tolerance and I haven’t been in this much pain in sometime. I know it is because the weather changes and having Hurricane Arthur pass by didn’t help me much. Plus this whole up 90 degrees and then down to 70 degrees really wrecks havoc on me. That’s a 20 degree difference. It hurts!

I keep looking at my pill bottle and wonder what will happen if I empty it. I have never OD’d on Tylenol before so I am kind of scared that it will cause me liver damage that I will regret. I think that is the only thing saving me from taking the rest of the bottle and hoping for the best. If I had a barbiturate or some other powerful sedating drug handy, I would take it. I just need/want some sleep. It’s 0330. I am glad I don’t have to get up early tomorrow. But I know I am only going to get a few hours of sleep and wake up. Probably wake up at 6 or 7. I might as well wait till 0400 to try and get some sleep. I took two pain pills to try and get me to calm down this pain. I just need it to be a 3 so I can sleep. It is a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I am sure that once I get nice and comfy, I will have to use the bathroom. Never fails. UGH how I hate that.