Category: blogging

Wednesday’s Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, PTSD, transgender

Wednesday’s musings

I had a hard session in therapy Monday. We talked about mourning my mother for not being the mother I needed. It was hard realizing this is what I have to do to get past all these negative emotions I have about my mother. Right now she is in the hospital with either pneumonia or fluid around her heart and lungs and I just can’t deal. I was worried when she wasn’t up when I got up this morning but I didn’t think she had pneumonia. Her sugars were extremely high yesterday, so high that her monitor couldn’t give a number. I care for her as another human being but it is hard when I don’t get respect. The hospital called me to get her medication list and I was deadnamed and I am sure misgendered as well. I was probably called daughter as well. It’s things like this that hurt so much.

I also talked about the weight clinic and how my weight is keeping me from completing my transition. I wrote this on Twitter the other night: “In a frank mood right now. Kind of depressed and suicidal. All because I am a woman who desperately wants to be a man. I’ve dreamt of the day I would get these fucking things off my chest but b/c of a BMI I can’t have surgery. Which leaves me feeling suicidal. People always talk about saving trans lives but they never look at what is in the way of transitioning. I need to be a certain weight for me to be who I am. Totally sexist and discriminatory. I have weight issues and body issues. Going to a weight clinic seems shameful to me. Which only adds to me calling me a fat fuck who should die. Going to a weight clinic is not going to solve the BMI issue when losing weight already fucks with my head. Need to lose weight shit I will starve myself to that end before going to a clinic. And who’s to say once I lose the weight there won’t be another issue to prevent me from being a man? But apparently I can get my uterus out without a problem. Breasts seem to be an issue all the time. I just don’t know if my suicidality will end up killing me before I am a certain BMI.”

It fricken sucks that a number is keeping me from transitioning to a man. I told my therapist I would have my pcp make the referral to the weight clinic and see what they say. She reiterated to me that they are not my family and so wouldn’t abuse or shame me. I am so scared of doing this because of these reasons. I hope that I don’t have to become a salad eater to lose the weight I need to lose. I can only eat salad with a ton of dressing on it. I really like spinach salads but my mother always ends up boiling the spinach on me no matter how many times I tell her not to. She drives me crazy.

I have a UTI that I am waiting to be treated for. I hope they will treat me. I am going to call in a half hour if they don’t call me first. I need to know because peeing hurts so bad and I am going every two fricken hours. I feel so depressed about this. I have been in pain with this infection for the past ten days and I am sick of it. I called my doctor and am waiting for him to respond. I hate waiting. I really do.

Mother’s Day Weekend 2021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Mother’s day weekend 2021

I’ve been having difficulty sleeping. Friday I woke up around 1 and never went back to sleep. I stayed up the whole day and didn’t go or try to go back to sleep till 2300 or so. I still didn’t sleep soundly because my shoulder kept waking me up in pain. I still am tired but can’t seem to sleep. I just want one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

Sox won last night and I was happy. My buddy Eddie got the win. He is 5-0 this season so far. I am happy for him. He is my favorite player. I need to get his jersey or t-shirt. I will get it sometime this year.

I still have this bloody UTI that hurts so bad. I am peeing like every two hours, regardless of what I drink. Such a pain. I woke up at 345 then again at 545 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I just had coffee. I am not sure if I am going to go to the pharmacy to get a card for my mother. Just the thought of getting her something fills me with disgust. I hate this holiday more than any other, probably more than my birthday.

I really do not like my mother after the treatment she has given me over the years. She still doesn’t accept me for being trans. And I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for the abuse she put me through when I was younger.

The other day I was having gender dysphoria really bad because my weight has gone up now that I am back to eating. It triggered me so I wrote to my pcp about how much it is bothering me that I have to be a certain BMI to have top surgery and his response was to go to a weight clinic. Not helpful. I don’t need to feel more shame than I already do around my weight thank you. I sent the same message to my therapist so I am sure I will be talking about it tomorrow when I see her. So much stuff to talk about.

Other than therapy, I have no other appointments this week. PT was booked so I get the week off. I still need to do my exercises she gave me. I don’t get off from doing that. My shoulder has been bothering me the past few days for some reason. I have been trying to massage it out but it’s difficult to do with one hand. I can’t seem to reach where it is bothering me. I have gone back to taking Zanaflex to try and ease it a bit.

I finally cleaned the dust off my ceiling fan blades. I was growing bunnies but it was weird that only one side had more dust than the other side. My ankle is hurting from standing on my toes for the few minutes it took to dust. Now my nose is full of dust. I need a nap. I don’t know what time I am supposed to go to my sister’s for dinner. She said she was going to make steak. My brother in law is working out in the yard so I don’t think he will be eating soon so maybe this evening. I’m listening to Taylor and am going to relax for a bit.

Back on Twitter!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, transgender

Back on Twitter.

I am back on Twitter. I was really getting down because I couldn’t access my account and Twitter support finally reached out to me to clear the error that was causing the text messages not to go through. I took a screen shot of the backup code so that I would have it should I get locked out again. I missed my tweeps so much. I deactivated the acct I was using.

I sent this to my therapist and PCP: “hi,

I am having a hard time with the gender dysphoria around top surgery and the stupid limitation of the BMI. I can be so suicidal at times because I can’t stand to look at my chest and knowing weight is what is keeping me from this goal is killing me. I lost some weight due to covid but gained some back once I started eating again. I’m not good with diet and my appetite is either there or it isn’t due to the depression. I am 192 right now and was 187 last week. This is stressing me out and I am not sure who to talk to about it.”

I hate that a BMI is preventing much needed suicide prevention work. I am in the mood to take a lot of pills right now but I won’t. It is just a feeling that will pass. I hate feeling this way. I don’t know why there is a restriction for surgery. This is so fucking stupid. I feel like it is discrimination against obese people. I just want these things off my chest! They don’t belong there. And it sucks that now they are hairy and will only become more hairy as the T dose has increased. I just want to be flat chested. What is wrong with that? I am a fucking man for crying out loud. I don’t even care if I have nipples or not. Just want the damn things off.

My therapist canceled therapy yesterday due to an immediate personal problem. I guess dealing with my mother on this Mother’s day is all on me. I have decided to get her a son card. I will get it tomorrow when I mail my letter. My cousin sent me a box of her husband’s things. Her husband is my godfather. I haven’t opened it yet because I am so emotional about other things that I just can’t deal with more grief. I miss my godfather so much. He was such a good man.

I am so tired today. I have been up since 0100. I have tried going back to sleep but I keep failing. This UTI is kicking my ass. It still hurts to pee and my urine is cloudy. It probably smells but I can’t smell things right now because of covid. I had Covid PT yesterday and it killed me. Made me so fricken tired. I thought I would sleep through the night but I only slept for a few hours before waking up at 1. The UTI is making me pee every 2 fucking hours. It sucks. I can’t do anything until I finish the antibiotics. I haven’t cathed at all because it hurts.

Love Story vs Don’t You

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

Love story vs don’t you

As you may know by now, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. Her latest album, Fearless (Taylor’s version) has been playing since I have been able to download it to my phone. There are two songs I absolutely love. One is Love Story and the other is Don’t You. I am having a hard time deciding which to put on repeat because I want them both on my top 25 playlist. Right now the numbers are below 50 for Love Story and over 50 for Don’t You. (The numbers are how many times it has been played as recorded by my MP3 app.) I have been thinking of making a playlist with just those two songs so that I can listen to them back to back. I might just do that. Don’t You has been really talking to me, but not in a psychotic way. I just can really relate to this song so much. Taylor’s new music has been really good and there have been songs I can finally relate to. I feel like that her new music has been grown up as she is older now. My other dilemma with her music is that I follow her lyric bots for the album folklore and when a lyric plays and I don’t know the song, I want to listen to the album to know what the song is. It is driving me crazy not knowing.

It is almost 2am. I woke up an hour ago because of pain. And I had to pee as it has been six hours. I was able to void without cathing so I am happy about that. I am not happy I have a uti. My culture came back positive for bacteria. I haven’t heard from the NP yet if she is going to treat it or not. I have been feeling yucky the past two weeks since the cramping started. I have had busy back to back days and am really tired but cannot seem to sleep. I want to change my sheets but it will be a hassle as I have stuff on my bed again. I got Amazon packages surrounding my bed. I just have to take two downstairs to put on my porch. It is my new coffee that I love from Starbucks called Spring Day. It is limited so I bought a bunch while I had the money.

I was able to wake up early this morning to get my first vaccine shot. It took less than twenty minutes and I was early. I had to stay a little longer than the usual 15 minute observation period because I had an anaphylaxis reaction to ginger. Ginger is not in the vaccine but they wanted to be cautious because I had this reaction. The only reaction I am having right now is a sore arm and a headache which Tylenol helped very much. I had to ask my doctor if taking Tylenol on a daily basis is good. He said as long as I don’t go over the 2000 mg dose a day I am ok.