Category: Chronic pain

Just when I think…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

Irritable Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

All day I’ve been in an irritable mood. My mother never called me to put on her socks. Then she got mad at me because I wanted pizza for supper and I left the house without telling her. I picked up my scripts and the person at Walgreens was slow as molasses even though she has been there for a few months. Then when she was checking me out, she was having a conversation with the pharmacist that obviously was more important. Pissed me off because I was in pain from standing up. I was wearing the boot and it was throwing my hips off. I was just in a lot of pain and just wanted to be home.

I get home and it smelled of chemicals from the roofers. I had an asthma attack. Then I felt dizzy from the smell even though I opened my window. I had to go to my sister’s to get some air. I never ordered pizza. My brother in law was telling me stories about how the place is going out of business. I have yet to hear anything. He just has been hearing things from people so who knows if it is true.

My mother opened the kitchen window but the house still smelled. I opened the window in the dining room and in the hallway. I just need to close them because it is going to fricken rain the next two days. Guess I won’t be wearing my boot because my foot will get soaked.

Because I won’t be home tomorrow, my mother doesn’t want to put on her socks. I won’t have a wake up call. Yay! I can sleep in. I hope anyway. Hope this irritablility goes away. I know it is because of pain and possibly the bipolar stuff. I rather just be depressed.

Pain, not sleeping, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

I was up till 3 slept for an hour and then got up a few hours later. I was so tired. I was having serious pain where I have the part of my ankle that lost muscle (atrophied). Nothing was really working and standing was not a good idea. I think around 2, I decided to put the compression sock I bought on. It took about an hour for it to decrease my pain enough so I could sleep.

When I got up around 10 or so, I had some mini wheat cereal. When I poured the cereal, it just made a mess and I overfilled the bowl. Great. I picked up what was on the floor and then cleaned off the counter where shredded wheat had dropped. I put almond milk in my cereal. It was good. A couple hours later, I got hungry again so made a tuna sandwich with carrots and celery. It was really good. I didn’t end up using all the tuna so I will have lunch tomorrow or maybe a midnight snack. One never knows.

I then slept for a while. My mother called me to say dinner was ready but I didn’t get up. I slept for another hour. The house smelled like cabbage. My mother had cooked it. I was going to try it but the smell was bad when I took off the lid. No, thanks. I just had the spaghetti my mother made.

Now I am hoping to listen to the ballgame. My ankle is kind of sore. I had to take the sock off as I felt it was too long that I had it on. I’ve been having minimal pain most of the day. Hope it stays that way.

Shitty cold day but no snow yet

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I slept like every hour until I had to get up to send my niece off to school, starting at 3! I was so tired. My mother called me twice and I told her I was sleeping. Then she left the stupid kettle on and the noise woke me up. She went to the bathroom after she turned it on. Pisses me off when she does this because there usually is hardly any water in it. She doesn’t fill it like I do. So I was grumpy and she got mad. I made a burrito, just one as I was hungry and wanted to go back to sleep.

While I was sleeping my phone kept going off. The LGBT doc office called to remind me of my appt. I don’t know Why they have to call when they text and email me. Might be a settings thing. Then my mother called again to say dinner was ready. I wasn’t hungry, I wanted sleep dammit.

My ankle and foot have been going back and forth all day as to who is going to hurt me more. Snow hasn’t started yet. I wish it would. Maybe I would get some pain relief. I hope I will be able to go to the pharmacy to get my meds filled. Depends on how bad the snow is and if it is walkable. Some places have already called off school.

In my painsomnia state, I post a pic of my scars on IG. I have no idea why I did it. I might delete the pic. I had started self harm 27 yrs ago this month. I started when I was 15 and stopped around the age of 24, when I met my ex therapist. I was slowly stopping it before I saw her but the urges are tough to go away. I still have them but I cope better with them. It is not frequent. I sometimes think I traded self harm for being suicidal all the time.

I bought a new book called Helping the Suicidal person. I was supposed to start it last week but never did. I’d like to review it. We’ll see.