Category: chronic physical pain

Another blog by phone

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, transgender

I am still feeling crappy. Yesterday in was so exhausted after seeing the doc, I slept, had dinner, took my meds. And pretty much slept through the night. I woke up once to pee and take a horrible selfie. I felt like taking the shot of T then but i was too tired to be that coordinated. I had to wake up early to check to see if my niece went to school on time. I got mad at my phone for waking me up, snoozed, got mad again, and never got up. I woke up a half hour later and went downstairs. She wasn’t home so that was good. It is freezing out. I went back to my room and fell back to sleep.

I got up around an hour ago. I had messages, one was a provider letter. I read that but it was just for my urine test results. I still haven’t heard anything about my blood results so I sent a message. My sodium is down again, lower than it ever has been. No wonder I feel so crummy. My psych said to reduce my water intake (I am not reducing coffee!!) This is hard because I kind of am thirsty since she said it. I’ve just been taking sips with my meds. Figures not eating and drinking would knock it down. I asked her if we could lower the oxcarb by 300 mg and she agreed. I feel a little better today but still feel so tired. I was supposed to meet up with my barber to get my baking dish but I couldn’t be bothered. I am just too tired. I will get it next week.

So I guess I am to just sleep until my medical doc figures out what to do with me. The rest is helping my plantar fasciitis. Heel was hurting so bad last night from all the walking I did. I didn’t ice it just rolled a tennis ball under my foot while waiting for dinner to be ready. It really helps reduce the pain. I have been doing the app thing for my foot. My scores are better but not 100 %, dammit lol. The OT wants it above 80%, which they have been so that is good. I see them tomorrow. I haven’t done the stretching because I’ve been in a flare. Even yesterday while on the way home felt like my sneaker was going to rip the top of my foot apart. It was fun going around the house with two feet hurting so bad. Yikes!! I’ve been doing the heat stuff so hope she isn’t going to be a bitch. I also been doing the heel lift she wants so 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. My foot is still bothering me today. I haven’t had this bad of a flare in a while. Hope it settles down.

Last night some idiot called with a restricted number. I thought it might be the doctor’s office so answered. It was some document recovery bullshit. They had a document I had to sign and would I be available between such and such hours. I was yes-ing them to death. Bastards never came. Assholes. I get these calls at least twice a year and it is always we are taking you to court and we can’t give you the information, you need to call the 800 number. Okay. Scam bastards.

I am not sure where my blog writing is going. If I feel up to it, I will write. Otherwise I won’t. I just don’t have the energy. Oh, and today is day 42 of my transition. I will write a separate post for that, though it will be just a paragraph as not much has changed.

More tiredness that is sticking around

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

So over the weekend I emailed my repro endo doc to say I’ve been really tired and described how tired I was and could it be the testosterone? She said most certainly not. I should see my pcp. Well today has been a real fucking day so why should calling my pcp be easy. He isn’t available until January. So again, I am seeing one of his colleagues, a doc I don’t think has any brains but is playing doctor. Okay, I will see him. I flew off the handle. Fucking January? I got to see someone else as my pcp. How are you to have a relationship with someone if you only see them every 4 fucking months? And when something comes up. You have to see someone else because your doc isn’t available. That to me is unacceptable. My former doc always saw me. Hell I remember one time I had to see his colleague and he purposely found a way for me to see him once I was in the office. That is my kind of doctor.

I had therapy today and talked his ear off about shit that has been happening. He brought up a good point, people around me don’t think I am important. I almost started bawling. I think I was at this point anyway but him saying that just brought more tears. [**I am typing on my phone so if you see a typo, please tell me**]

He gets that is most likely causing my misery. My family treats me like crap, especially my mother who doesn’t accept me for who I am. She has it in her head that I am this beautiful, cute baby girl and now I am turning into a man. Well I was all along but I had to hide myself for ten fucking years because I afraid she wouldn’t accept me. And I was right.

Halfway through session, I got a wave of exhaustion. Like I was completely drained. And I still had to go home. Fuck. I came home and I swear I thought I was going to pass out. I never felt that tired before in my life. I’ve had therapy sessions and appts and stuff and never felt that drained. Something is wrong. And I swear if this jerk of a doctor tells me it is a virus, my cane is going to be swinging. I want my blood count and thyroid checked. Though more so my blood count as testosterone can cause weird blood counts.

I got my prescription today. I had to wait in like and I swear I thought my heel was going to divorce me. It hurt so bad. I was walking with my cane because I had to take the pressure off my foot. I took it out when I got to city hall after therapy. I had to rest there for a bit. Both feet were barking. I wish I had money for an Uber. I hate that I have impulsive spending. I spent my last 8 bucks on nic sticks. I am so stupid. I nicked myself pretty good and had to use a bandage as the bleeding wouldn’t stop. Just hope it doesn’t get infected as I looked at the razor and there was some rust on it. My stupid mother never cleans it right. Or at all. Drives me nuts. She has her single edge but uses mine. Brat.

I am in pain and not sure if I am going to pull an all nighter or not. I just took a breakthrough med so I hope I will sleep. I just got to keep my damn foot still. Though it was still when it felt like someone was ripping off my 5th metatarsal. Ugh. CRPS sucks. You never know what kind of pain you will have next and for how long. Last night it took until 2 am for it to settle down. Probably would have been sooner but my fucking Kindle did an update and now won’t recognize the SD card. I had to find a thing to read it on my laptop to see if it was defective or the Kindle was. So annoying.

I did the calf stretching before I left the house. My heel wasn’t bothering me until I left Starbucks. I had to leave an hour earlier so I could fucking write. I finally had time to journal. I just wrote about all my fucking aggravation with the bus and shit. I fucking hate when people block the entry of the bus and people can’t get off or on. So rude!!!!! I sat away from the jerk or I probably would have muttered under my breath. The when i was on my way home. Guy came on preventing me from getting off. Fucking asshole. No one has courtesy anymore. Pisses me off.

I did the app exercises a few times today. I had varying scores. Sometimes i did above 90 and sometimes i did below. It is annoying me. I do it three times and if i don’t improve or get the same score i just stop. No point in going on. I haven’t done the warm heat. I keep forgetting to being the damn thing to the kitchen. Though how i am to apply it once it is hot i have no clue. It is my outer ankle so kind of hard to put on. All logistics. I’ve been using a heating pad as my damn feet get ice cold and tonight it took 4 hours to get hot. Frustrates the hell out of me. My right usually gets warm before my left (CRPS foot) but it was cold in my room so took as long as my left. I think it helped the plantar fasciitis pain. I haven’t stood yet but damn my ankle is fucking killing me (CRPS).

Hope I feel tired again so I can sleep. I got to be out of the house by 8 am for the doc appt. But with this pain, I doubt I can sleep.

Sunday Blog 11 11 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 11 Nov 2018

To the Veterans, Thank You for serving and your sacrifice!

Today is my Godmother’s birthday. I sent scheduled messages to my cousins, her caretakers, at 11:11 am. I was up till 0430 as my pain was really bad. Started at 8 PM and just continued throughout the night and early morning. I pretty much slept all day. It was kind of hurting me when I woke up and stood up to use the bathroom but wasn’t really bad. I decided to take a shower after I brushed my teeth. I had to go back upstairs as I forgot PJs. I was damn near finished when the pain got worse. I got a pop tart from the back porch and cookies. My mother wanted me to bring some bleach to the kitchen so I did that as well. I made my coffee and ate what I brought out. I love the Starbucks iced coffee I bought. I sent a message to PeaPod asking them why their price was higher than the store price. It is ridiculous that I have to pay fifty cents more for it so it could be delivered.

Last night I was going through my pics as I wanted a pic of my Godmother and I to post on FB. While doing so, I found some pics of some baking photos of a cake I was making. I remembered I got the recipe from my friend that recently passed away. I plan on getting some cranberries so I can make the dish. Oh shit, I actually can’t make it as I need the baking dish that my barber has. I will text him tomorrow so I can get the dish Tuesday. Buses are running regular schedule tomorrow. I have my appointment with my therapist so will leave at 1030 am so I can try and write a bit before leaving for his office. I haven’t been too successful catching the 1137 bus so maybe an earlier bus might do it.

It’s cold in my room so I checked the temp. It is 40 degrees F. Barometric pressure is 30.23, which is up from last night of 29.98. No wonder I am in pain. I know there is a storm on its way. Something is going to hit Tuesday. Weather is going to be bad and we might get snow, but I think they said it would be up in the mountains. We’ll see. I have been trying to keep track of the barometric pressure but it has been difficult. I have a page in my notebook for it but I sometimes forget to write it down. I am a bad record keeper.

what a week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

What a week!

I am sorry I haven’t been writing as frequently as I have. I have just been so exhausted by the end of the day that I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep. I am not sure what is going on, if I am having another depressive episode or if the testosterone is plummeting my energy. I haven’t been eating, and if I do, it is only one meal a day. If I remember to eat, it maybe two. I just have no appetite but have not seen any weight loss. I usually don’t have significant weight loss during these low appetite days anyways.

I have been going to my appointments. Wednesday was therapy and it went okay. We didn’t talk much about anything. I just talked about anything I could think of to pass the time. It is hard when he doesn’t ask questions about how I am doing so I just pass things off like I am okay. I had to skip two appointments with him because of pain. My heel pain is plantar fasciitis. I saw a podiatrist on Monday as I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He wanted to give me a cortisone shot and I said no. Everything is cortisone, but I don’t believe in them. There hasn’t been good data on them helping so I don’t even know why they are still offered.

Thursday I had the pain program. OT wants me to work on using the Recognise app. It is to help train my brain to know my foot is there or something along those lines. I am just to do the basic and to do it a few times a day. I haven’t done it at all today because I was so busy. PT wore me out. She had me walk for six minutes and then I had to do squats with a chair for 20 seconds. My legs were killing me. Then she had me do some stretching exercises for my calf. That set off a flare last night. I was not happy. I didn’t do that shit today either. I thought I might be able to while baking (see below) but I didn’t have a chance as I was in so much pain with my heel. I think I might have to wear sneakers around the house rather than slippers.

Today my mother wanted me to do an errand for her. Then I had to go to the post office to mail something for a friend. The half and half that I just bought curdled in my coffee so I had to go to Stop and Shop to exchange it. While I was there, I bought a few things. I wanted pulled pork so I got that and my probiotic orange, pineapple, mango juice. It is so good! Expensive, but good. Also got my coffee and some more honey, which was on sale. I had just missed the bus so I had to wait.

I came home and then started baking. I wanted to make pumpkin cheesecake bars. Thing was a bitch. I honestly don’t know if they came out okay. The mixtures tasted good, so they probably did. I was just annoyed because it said to chill or freeze but didn’t give a time as to how fricken long it was supposed to do that. The directions were poorly written. I complained to Tasty as I got the recipe from them but haven’t gotten a response. Then the topping was a bitch. You had flour, brown sugar, and butter. And in the video, you just whipped it up. Yea okay. It wasn’t easy doing as it was in the video. I tried using the mixer and flour went all over the place. I was getting so annoyed. My pain levels were astronomical. I just wanted to get this thing done so I could nap. I melted the damn butter and then mixed it. Then I sort of separated it into smaller pieces but not small enough to cover the pan. I didn’t care. I thought it would melt. It didn’t. I took it out of the oven and then let it cool. Instructions said to let it refrigerate overnight so I will have it tomorrow. I hope it is good otherwise, it is going in the trash. I took a nap for about 4 hours. I was completely wiped out to the point of passing out. The TV downstairs was annoying the fuck out of me. I was in mega pain. I put the whisperer thing on and fell asleep within 15 minutes. I hear my mother was on the phone with my cousin so I put my phone on silent in case he called me after. He sometimes does this and it annoys the fuck out of me. He will call me to see how she is and then call her to see how I am, fucker. I really haven’t talked to him in over a month.

Monday I am going to leave a message for the repro endo doc about my energy levels because they suck. Every little thing I do just exhausts me and that is unlike me. If I was working, I would be toast the first 4 hours. I just can’t seem to do things like I used to and I am not sure if it is the testosterone or the depression. But then, the testosterone could be affecting my mood so, I don’t know. I thought it would give me some energy, not take it away.

My CRPS ankle is killing me right now. I guess the events of the day have finally caught up with it. It was hurting while I was baking but now the pain is worse. I wish there was something I could take for the heel pain. Nothing seems to help that. I have been taking ibuprofen and it helps a little bit. I watched a video last night about how to “cure” plantar fasciitis and it said to use a tennis ball, take magnesium supplements, and something else that I don’t remember but wasn’t going to do anyway. He was a naturalistic doc so was saying to eat better and shit. Okay. Every ailment has that prescription. I have the magnesium as I take that for my spasms. I will try anything to lessen the pain. I used the tennis ball today, it hurt but it did decrease the pain. I can’t use it in the kitchen as the crevices in the floor make the ball go all over the place. I had to use it in the living room while my mother watched TV on full blast. UGH. I hated that but it was the only room I could do it.

For the first time all week, I woke up from my nap rested. I haven’t been sleeping great at night. Seems every two hours I am awake. I don’t know why. I feel like I am sleeping like a baby waking up every few hours. I haven’t been taking my extra dose of Ativan so maybe that is why. I have been taking Neurontin and that causes me to feel sleepy within an hour. I posted the pic of what I baked today. Will let you know tomorrow how it came out.