Category: chronic physical pain

6 August 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

6 August 2018

I’ve decided for the month of August, I am going to use the date as my title, unless I can come up with a fancier title. I have found that I am just reusing my previous titles and coming up with something fresh is hard, after 6 years of blogging. Can’t believe this blog is 6 years old but it is.

Today started okay. I woke up around 0530 to use the bathroom and my mother had to as well. I waited for her to finish. I then changed the time for my morning meds so I could sleep a little later. It went off and I didn’t want to get up. I felt like I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep. I said I would get up at 0930, but didn’t feel like it. I said ten and when I looked at my phone next, it was almost 11 and shit, I had to get up and do things. I checked on my mother. She was okay. The PT person was already come and gone. My mother just needed her ice bucket filled. I took the top off and water went everywhere. I got a towel and then took it off again. I emptied half of it and then filled it with ice. Brought it back to the living room. My mother plugged it in and then I went to check on my niece.

She was reading a book (a real one, not an electronic one). I didn’t say anything as I was just in awe. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked why and she said she wasn’t hungry. I said did you eat last night? She said yes, her sister made her some eggs. Okay. I got my braces on and my sneakers. I was about to leave when I realized I forgot my cup. I had to go up the stairs with these damn braces and then back down. Thankfully, I did okay.

It was wicked hot out. I was sweating and almost soaked by the time I reached the bus stop. The sun was just beating down on the stop. I realized while I was waiting, I forgot to protect the sore that had popped up on Friday. I would take care of it when I get home. I had to buy the antibiotic cream anyway. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a bagel. I wish I brought another T-Shirt with me because I was drenched. But I didn’t and the other one would just get wet by the time I got home anyway so it didn’t matter. I wrote in my journal for a bit but didn’t write long. I left for the train and that is where my day went south.

The train came at a slow pace and by the time we got close to the next stop, it stopped. Something was wrong with the power. We had to get off the train after being on it for like 15 minutes, stuck in the tunnel. I texted my therapist to say I was going to be late. I waited for the “train that was behind the disabled train”. Which was another 5-10 minutes. Every stop had a hoard of people. I got off my stop as I had to yell coming out! Damn idiots with huge backpacks wouldn’t move to let me pass! I was so annoyed. Then I waited for the bus. It was another 10 minutes before it arrived. I was 15 minutes late for my appt and I wasn’t happy. I hate being late. I told my therapist about things in the short session. He was quickly realizing that I was doing all these things for people yet was not getting much in return. He was right. With the exception of my psychiatrist, no doctor was really helping me. The last few minutes I spent explaining how I was wearing a brace on my right ankle.

I decided to walk to the elevator after my appt rather than go down the narrow stairs with two braces on. I was so hot and tired but I still needed to go to the store. I wanted some protein bars and the antibiotic cream. I wish they had a mix and match with the antibiotic cream and bandages as each were buy one, get one 50% off. The protein bars that were 4/$5 didn’t have my flavor I liked. But there were other bars for 5/$5 that did have my favorite flavor. I got 5 of those. I then trekked home. I was so fricken hot and knew it was only going to be hotter in my house. It was slightly cool in my hallway, but the doors to both apartments were open so the heat was causing it to be warm. I checked on my niece and she didn’t eat anything but cereal. She said she was going to make a sandwich. As I took off my AFO, I saw the sore was all red and looked like the skin was worn away. I needed a shower. Every pore was full of sweat. Even my diaper was soaked (not the part that is supposed to catch urine, the part that goes around you). I went upstairs and my baby cousin was over. She looked at me and was gonna cry. She just looked at me like she didn’t know me, even though I saw her the other day. Kids are funny. I sat in front of the fan as I tried making her laugh. My feet were killing me and I was dreading the shower. I went upstairs to change, totally forgetting my aunt was over as I came down with just a change of clothes for the shower and the t-shirt I was wearing. Oops. I covered myself as I rushed to the bathroom. I grabbed a towel as I let the water run. Went back to the bathroom and shaved my head. My razor needed to be changed but I took off most of the hair that grew from yesterday. I shaved my pits while in the shower. I was going to use the trimmer but I had put deodorant on in the morning and didn’t want to clog the blades. I just used the razor in the shower. Then I washed off and tried to stay under the cool water for as long as I could stand it. I dried off and then wrapped the towel around me. It was longer than the other one so covered me. I then hurried upstairs before I was soaked again. My feet were barking. I cooled off a bit before I put the cream and a bandage on my sore.

My sister made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. She didn’t make them like my mother. They were extremely mushy. Might as well have been mashed potatoes with hot dogs. She didn’t use my hot dogs because my mother “buys shit hot dogs” but used my brother in law’s which is worse as it’s a mix of pork, chicken, and beef. I buy all beef hot dogs. I gave her a look when she told me. She said why and I said because we have like 4 packages of hot dogs! And they are all beef. Then my aunt was saying something about it because she had to put in a word about it. I was hungry so just ate them. She didn’t burn any hot dogs, which is a shame as I like them burnt.
Now I am just going to relax as there isn’t a game on tonight. I think I am going to try and finish Norse Mythology. I wish I could drop the Poe Shadow book but I am already half way through it. It is just getting boring and seems to get more made up as it goes on. I know it is fiction and all, but usually the book has a beginning, climax, and end. This book’s climax seems to be going all over the place, which makes me weary on reading the author’s other books.

Sunday blog 5 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 5 Aug 2018

I’m listening to 1989 again. I spent most of the day sleeping because I woke up around 0530 in pain. Tomorrow I got to go to the pharmacy and get more meds. I can’t fill the ER ones but I think I can fill the ones I take as PRN. Sucks. My mother was in a lot of pain. By the end of the night, she could hardly walk and it was stressing her out. I have no idea if going through this type of surgery at this time of year was a good idea. But I guess it was better than during the winter. The humidity sucks. I will be giving my AC a break tomorrow when I go out. It has been running non stop for more than a few days. I will be going out MWF so I will shut it off then. It is supposed to be hot all week

I have been reading more. I finished the chapter in the Poe book today. I read it this morning before the meds made me sleepy. I took an Ativan because I wanted to sleep. When I got up, made a pizza for lunch. My brother in law brought up some leftover mushroom pizza. My mother had that. I don’t like mushroom. I just made the deep dish pizza I like. I have like three boxes of them. It is good personal size pizza. My mother doesn’t like it.

After I ate, I made coffee and then shaved my head. I was too hot to shower. The coffee made me sleepy so I just took another nap for a few hours. My sister called wanting me to check on her daughter. My other sister was making my mother dinner. My aunt was over with my cousin who has a 5 month old baby. I played with the baby for a bit before going in the shower before I sweat a lot. I had brought a change of clothes with me but it was too humid to put them on. I quickly dried off, wrapped the towel around me and made a dash to my room. I sat on my bed drying myself off again. I cooled off before I got dressed again. Then my sister wanted me to look after my niece. I went downstairs and she was in bed. She didn’t want anything to eat. She said she would call me when she was hungry. I said okay.

I went back upstairs. I didn’t have dinner yet. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was cooling off in my room. My aunt and cousin left. I decided to make bacon. I had to make it before it went bad. As I was making it, my cousin with bipolar disorder came over. He had done some stuff on his phone and wanted me to fix it. I asked if he wanted a sandwich. He did. So I cooked all the bacon. My mother didn’t want any. He was such a pain in the ass, asking about my mother every five minutes, like any minute she was going to have a problem or something. He was getting on my noise. I had a few bites of my sandwich and then undid what he did on his phone. He was done with his sandwich by then. He wanted me to fix his time out lock. I did that too. His settings were all messed up. He must have had all the phone “cleaners” that were available. I uninstalled all of them and those that were not supposed to be there. I then cleared his browser history and prevented pop ups from happening, which was how I think he ended up with all that shit on his phone. He was talking to me about his mother or my mother the whole time. I was sweating bullets. He looked at my haircut and said the guy did a good job. I said I shaved the sides and back. He was incredulous. He said I did a good job. I finished with his phone and handed it back to him then finished my sandwich. Luckily he took off after saying goodbye to my mother. He said he would come up tomorrow. I hope I am not home, LOL

Saturday Blog 4 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 4 Aug 2018

I woke up in pain around 0800. I decided to take my morning meds early. I used the bathroom. My mother was eating breakfast and my sister was doing something in the kitchen. She was walking all around so I have no idea what she was doing. I went back to my room and slept till 1100 or so. I wanted bacon but it was so damn hot to cook. I thought about putting it in a frying pain and just sticking it on my back porch for the sun to fry but it was cloudy. It would rain in a few hours.

I got up and made the bacon. I asked my mother if she wanted some and she said no. She wanted a cold cut sandwich so I made her one. My aunt made her a sandwich yesterday and didn’t close any of the bags properly which pissed me off because the cheese fell on the floor. I was so mad. The bags couldn’t be easier to close as they have the zip closers on. She completely destroyed one of the bags. Idiot. I had my bacon sandwich and it was good. I haven’t had one in a long time. I mostly been making bacon and egg with toast. I might make that tomorrow morning. I wore my aircast, once I had it on right. Damn thing is a bitch to put on.

I went upstairs after I ate and was going to sleep. My mother called saying she needed something. I said I would be down in a minute but I drifted off to sleep. My mother was mad. Oops. I went downstairs to give her what she wanted and then asked her if she wanted coffee as I wanted some. She said yes. I made it and brought it to her. Then she says she wants some pie. I got her the pie. I was walking back and forth from living room to the kitchen. My ankle was killing me. I emptied the ice trays as we had little ice. I used some for my coffee as I made it iced. She uses a lot because she likes her water cold. I don’t blame her as it’s really hot in the house.

I went back to my room and just played on my phone, reading Twitter as I drank my coffee. I thought about reading but didn’t feel like it. I read a long chapter in Norse Mythology last night. It was kind of funny. You will have to read it to understand it. I love this book so I don’t mind taking my time with it the second go round. The first time I read it in a day and a half. I couldn’t put it down, and it has been a LONG while since I have been able to do that. Most books I struggle to get through a chapter, except the Harry Potter books. Those I can read without a problem because I love them so much. It is a nice escape. I bought another Thomas Waite book because it was 99 cents. I haven’t read the 1st book. He is coming out with the third in the series. I got the 1st book when I was paranoid and delusional. The book is about cyber spying so I knew it wasn’t a book to read at the time as I have a tendency to get lost between reality and fiction, especially when I am psychotic.

The game was starting when I got hungry. I asked my mother what she wanted and she didn’t know. I went downstairs and she said to make her one of the frozen dinners, the Salisbury steak. I really like them. I made it for her as my burger was cooking. My middle sister was sleeping on the couch. I have no idea why. My mother finished her meal and so did I. My sister comes in the kitchen and then yells at me not to buy those dinners anymore. WTF. Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t buy??? My mother told her she doesn’t eat them all the time, just once in a while. My sister proceeded to tell her how bad they were. Go the fuck home! I was so annoyed. I buy them so on days I can’t cook because of pain, I will have something to make.

After dinner, I was so fricken hot. I needed to cool off in my room before tackling the dishes. My mother needed a pillow case and my sister said the sheets in the dryer need to be put on the bed. Great. So when I was cold, I went downstairs and did what I needed to. I had to ask my mother what to do with the bacon grease. The heat kept it from congealing. I didn’t want to throw it down the sink. My mother said to put it in a plastic bag and throw it away. OK. I did that as the other frying pan soaked for a bit. I then washed my coffee pot and the pans. I was sweating bullets. Surprisingly, I didn’t take a bath while washing the dishes like I usually do. I went in the living room to rest for a bit. It was slightly cooler with the ceiling fan going. I then tackled the bed. It was hard because it is a day bed so has a rod on the side. I had to move the mattress to get the sheets wrapped around it. UGH. Then my mother said I didn’t make it right. Tough! I told her I wasn’t her so she would have to live with it. I asked her if she needed anything else. She didn’t so I retreated to my cold room. I am staying here, unless I need to use the bathroom. Tomorrow I got to shave my head and shower. I wanted to do that today but my ankle was hurting too much.

3 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

3 Aug 2018

I left my house around 920 and didn’t come home till around 1645. It was a long day. I made breakfast and packed a lunch. I didn’t finish it all so I might have it for dinner. I wore my black air cast in a white sneaker and my white AFO in my black sneaker. It was mismatched. I didn’t care. My psychiatrist commented and I said I think I am going to keep this set up. It was funny. That was the only laughter of the day.

I met with the pain doc. He was not helpful. He said I could find someone else, he didn’t care. He wasn’t changing my dose as he didn’t think it was going to do anything. I told him I was in a lot of pain and there were times I was suicidal it was so bad. He didn’t listen. The only thing I got out of him was to take my breakthrough med before appointments. Thanks. He gave me the exact same things and I left. I can’t fill them until next week because they are the same. I might be able to get my breakthrough meds on Monday because I technically got about ½ a month of meds. I am so fed up.

I met with my psychiatrist and I nearly had a breakdown. I told her it was over. She said she was here next week then gone for three weeks so she said I was “unstable” so therefore I am seeing her next week. Whatever. I don’t care.

I went back to the cast room as I wasn’t sure how to put the stupid thing on and it was bothering my Achilles. It was a different person and she said it was too small for me. Okay. So now I got an extra cast as she couldn’t re-use it. Don’t know what I am going to do with it!

I got home and was just a sweat bucket. It was so fricken humid. The little rain we had did nothing. Someone has been eating my snickers bars. I am not happy. I don’t know what happened to my regular size Milky way dark bar is. I was hurting and sweating so much I just grabbed what I could find and went upstairs to cool off. I am glad I wore my diaper as I leaked. Not a lot but it helped to absorb the sweat and stuff. I felt so much drier wearing it, even though it was annoying me by the 5th hour.

I noticed when I was finally resting in my bed, that the stupid AFO caused a sore on my leg. I might have to put some moleskin on the circle thing. I know it is because the humidity is so crazy right now. I told my sister today that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the booze cruise in a couple of weeks. There is no way I can maneuver the stairs with two braces on each ankle. I had a hard time managing last year with just the one brace. The stairs are really narrow to, it being a boat and all. I feel bad. She said she will see if her husband can go. I think I will be wearing the air cast for at least 6 weeks, maybe longer depending on how well my tendons and stuff settle down. I am still mad that I am hurting after 17 years of dealing with CES. It just never goes away and just when you think it is, it shows up again. I told my sister and she was like how can you trip over your own foot. I didn’t answer. I felt bad enough.

My legs feel like jelly right now. I just have to go to the bank tomorrow for my mother. It will be in the morning. Maybe I can get some pizza for lunch. I don’t know. But that is the only things that I plan on doing. I am not going out to the Square. I am going to try and hug my AC as much as I can. I think I am going to change my sheet Sunday. I just wrestled with the foam thing to put it on my bed so it isn’t hang off my bed and on my nightstand. It will probably last a day at most before moving again. I really hope duct tape works.