Category: chronic physical pain

unstable and need more therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had very little sleep. I finally went to sleep around maybe 5. I had set my alarm for 3 different times and didn’t actually wake up till the last one went off, when I knew I had to get up or I would miss my psychiatrist’s appt. I really didn’t want to go to either appointment today. I really had the why bother feeling.

I got to Starbucks and had my breakfast so that put me in a slightly better mood. I had 6 shots of espresso because I was so sleep deprived. When I was finished eating, it was time to catch the train. I was a little bit close to on time. I am almost always early for my psych but the train was kind of slow going to a few stations and they were announcing something about shuttle buses but I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying.

My doc called me and she asked what was up. I told her not much had changed since I last saw her except that I moved my date to a week later. I didn’t tell her why. I told her I was miserable and I didn’t like that. I was tired of being in pain. She said that she thinks the pain doc is going to prescribe me the longer acting med. I told her I wasn’t hopeful about the upcoming appt. I didn’t tell her I was being screwed with my pain meds, though I felt like it. I told her I didn’t know if I should start hormone therapy. She said something about being stable and I asked if she thought I was and she said no. Great. Tell me something I don’t know. So much for faking things with her, haha. So I am unstable. She asked when I was seeing my therapist and I said 2. I had to find the bus stop as walking is difficult right now. She will see me in two weeks and I had the urge to email her saying forget it but didn’t. She said to let her know about my appt with the pain doc and I said okay. I will be in touch.

I left for my therapist’s office. I got off at the wrong exit and walked like two blocks to find a bus stop. I checked to see when the next bus was coming at this stop and found I walked by a closer one. Nice. Just what my ankle needed. The app said the bus would be here in 15 but I think it was closer to 20 minutes. I still had plenty of time. I got off at the stop after city hall, which was closer to my therapist’s office than city hall so it worked out well. I had about a half hour to kill. I used the bathroom as the espresso was running its course. I wish I bought some water as I was thirsty. The waiting room didn’t have a water cooler. That kind of stinks.

I saw my therapist and about 10 minutes in I just burst out crying. I have no idea what came over me. I must have cried for fifteen minutes and I don’t even know what I was crying about. I told him how frustrated I was with pain, and walking, and family not understanding, friends not understanding, not being treated with the right pain meds. It just all came out. I told him I even thought of not even bothering with therapy. He said that is a good idea, sarcastically. I asked him if he thought I should be in therapy after I was finished crying and got some what control of my emotions. He said he thought I needed more therapy, maybe twice a week. Then time was up and that was it. Thanks for nothing buddy. I was annoyed but felt better, sort of.

I stupidly walked to the station. It was raining most of the day so the stairs to the station were obviously wet. I almost missed a step going down and it scared me. My ankle was not happy. It was raining harder when I got to the Square. I went to the barber shop to see if my barber had my baking dish. He wasn’t in and the guy there didn’t know if he had it. I sent him a message and his wife said he would bring it tomorrow. I told him/her that I would be in the area Wednesday. That might change as I just ordered my groceries to be delivered between 11 and 1. If I feel up to it after I put my stuff away, I will go. I need to get my laptop fixed as this POS can’t be upgraded so I will be changing OS to Linux once I figure out how. I am going to try a factory reset first to see if that fixes the memory issues but I doubt it. I don’t have too many programs installed so I am kind of pissed the memory is gone. And I keep getting the windows update saying I need 8GB of memory to install. WTF Sorry, not happening! I am tempted to just buy another laptop with a larger memory storage. I have no idea if I get my other laptop fixed if there will be other issues. I haven’t used it since Oct. I am sure there are a shit load of updates and I know I will have to buy McAfee as it expired. Might just be worth getting a new fricken thing. I will check and see what they have available. I hate doing it but if it will save me a headache, it will be worth it!

I don’t know if my therapist will see me twice a week. I guess I will ask him next week but it will be tough to see him regularly. As it is right now, I am just seeing him like twice a month, if I am lucky there are no Monday holidays. He didn’t say if it would be a temporary or permanent thing. He wanted me to have the space to talk as I am not getting that right now. I’ll have to think about it because that means $30/wk as opposed to $15.

My ankle pain just spiked. I still need to figure out dinner. I should have bought Chipotle while I was in the Square. I could go for a burrito.

Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Painful Sunday

I had put on the compression sock before I went to sleep sometime last night. I wasn’t in too much pain until I took it off. The elastic bothered my foot so bad that it was intense pain. Luckily it settle down some, on its own. I was determined to make the crispy buffalo cauliflower bites today. It was costly though and they didn’t come out that great. My mother didn’t like them and complained there was not salt or pepper. I saved the sauce and cauliflower. I don’t know if I will make it again but it was good to try it. My mother think I should have made it with egg. Everything is better with eggs which is why we go through so many. We should just own a few chickens. It would be easier than buying them.

I didn’t answer when my mother called me saying dinner was ready. I was so mad at her. In the end she ended up cleaning up the mess I made. I felt bad but there was no way I could do it. I could barely stand after the cauliflower was done. I got hungry and even went downstairs with the boot. Damn thing didn’t stop or help the pain. I had trouble going back upstairs after I ate. My mother said to “rest”. I got mad again and punched the wall. I was so damn aggravated. I picked a new date as the date I had originally was too close to a birthday.

My loud mouth aunt joined facebook. I have no idea if it is her or not. She requested to be friends with me and I blocked her. No way she is knowing my business so she can gab about me behind my back, not like she doesn’t do this anyway. I just don’t need her calling my mother after every post, telling her what I post. My cousin did that and I blocked him. I don’t know if she now knows I am trans. I guess I will find out soon.

My laptop is fucking up. I have shit for memory and it finally has been filled up by god knows what. I cannot fucking wait to fix my other laptop or buy a new one. I don’t care at this point. It will be better than this piece of shit, though what I will do with it, I have no idea. A friend of mine was telling me about a different OS that takes up less hard drive space so maybe I will fiddle with that. I honestly just need this junk to have word and internet so I can post my blog. I can’t go on Facebook anymore because it eats RAM. I settled for using it just for Twitter but I can do that with my phone, which I am grateful I have pics hidden because one of the accounts I followed showed snakes and I am very phobic about snakes. If I went through via the internet the picture wouldn’t have been hidden and I might have had a panic attack. On Facebook you can’t do that, which sucks because a friend went to a friend’s house that had pythons. UGH. I manually hid that post so fast. Freaks me out!

I hope my fucking pain doesn’t keep me up tonight. Last night it kept me up till midnight but I slept for most of the day so it wasn’t bad. Plus I woke up around 0330 in pain so that wasn’t so great. I had to use lidocaine to ease some of the pain as it was just awful stabbing pains and I was getting a little crazy. My cousin called me and left a message to call him so I did. I automatically block his number because he annoys me. I told him I just don’t feel like talking every day. I rather text or email.

A little about my day and CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders

I’ve had a rough day. Despite sleeping for most of it, I am still in a lot of pain. Have been in a flare since noon yesterday. I just can’t seem to get on top of the pain.

I was hungry when I woke up around 2. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just left my room once in the morning to use the bathroom. I brushed my teeth as well. My mother called me saying she was going to my aunt’s for a party. I heard voices downstairs and wondered if it was the TV. I carefully went downstairs and sure enough the TV was on. I had a bowl of cereal.

Came back to my room and took my pain meds. Also took some neurontin hoping for it to help. I couldn’t get comfortable on my right side so rolled to my left. I must have been there for a bit when it felt like I was being stabbed in my ankle and top of my foot. My phone rang and I got a couple messages. My niece had called asking how I was as my mother was worried. I decided to order pizza and dessert. I shouldn’t have but fuck it. I wanted pizza.

The following is the myths and truths about CRPS:

Fact versus Fiction: the Truth behind the CRPS Myths

Like many other things out there that scare and confuse people, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome has spawned so many myths about it. The bad thing is, these myths tend to perpetrate beliefs to people who suffer from CRPS that leads to their detriment. Listed below are seven of the most prevalent CRPS myths that are circulating, and the truth behind the myths.

Fiction # 1: Complex Region Pain Syndrome is a very rare disease. You have a small chance of getting it. It is also a new disease.
Fact: Substantiated reports of CRPS have been recorded since 143 years ago. It was during the Civil War when Doctor Silas Mitchell Weir and his contemporaries first wrote about it. It was given many names such as Shoulder-hand Syndrome, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy and Post-traumatic Dystrophy, to name a few. The term Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy was junked during 1995 when the International Association for the Study of Pain, or IASP, feels that RSD did not truly cover the signs and symptoms that the illness presented. They were the ones that coined the term “Complex Regional Pain Syndrome”.
Fiction # 2: CRPS is a localized disorder, and will not spread.
Fact: In as many as 73% of the recorded and confirmed cases of CRPS, the pain actually started in one part of the body, and then started to spread. In the worst cases, it actually affected completely healthy internal organs as well.
Fiction # 3: CRPS is a relatively quick disorder, and can be gone in as little as 6 months.
Fact: CRPS is like riding a bicycle. Once you get it, it never leaves you. At present, there is no cure, only treatment and maintenance to relieve pain, and even this does not work for everyone. There are a very few lucky ones who experienced remission, but found that even little to no stimulus at all could trigger a relapse.
Fiction # 4: The pain of CRPS cannot be alleviated by opioids.

Fact: Studies have shown that the use of opioids does actually help patients suffering from CRPS. Opioids can lower the level of pain significantly, allowing patients to be able to receive physical therapy. In some cases, they can even help the person lead a pretty normal life. Many patients would not be able to survive or bear the level of pain that they would feel if they were not given opioid treatments.
Fiction # 5: It’s all in the mind. CRPS pain is a psychiatric one.
Fact: The pain that a patient feels can actually register on a pain scale, and the symptoms that accompany it are also very tangible. The signs of the pain are all very visible, such as changes in temperature, color and bruising. Limb atrophy or contracture can also be seen. This myth is quite prevalent, as even some medical professionals put stock into it.
Fiction # 6: CRPS can only be caused by major injuries.
Fact: Records show that, surprisingly, CRPS is most often caused by small injuries or surgeries. The most common reasons given when asked the CRPS cause were sprains, broken bones and minor surgeries such as carpal tunnel surgery and removing a foot neuroma.
Fiction # 7: A definite sign to know if you don’t have CRPS is if you don’t get relief when you use a sympathetic nerve block.
Fact: Just because it doesn’t get affected, doesn’t mean it’s not CRPS. It could mean that your pain is what is called as SIP, or Sympathetic Independent Pain. For those who are suffering from CRPS that do get relief from sympathetic nerve blocks, they are suffering from SMP, or Sympathetic Maintained Pain. If you get a series of blocks, you may put your CRPS into remission. Also, it can result in longer periods of being pain-free. Because this myth is also a widespread one, many people have delayed seeking this kind of treatment, believing that they do not have CRPS.
Always take everything you hear with a grain of salt, and remember that the best weapon is knowledge. It won’t hurt to read and talk to an expert about Complex Region Pain Syndrome so that you’re better prepared to deal with it, and the life that comes with it.

Just when I think…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…