Category: chronic physical pain

Sunday Blog 27

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27

I’ve been in pain most of the day. I tried sleeping it off but my mother was baking and needed help with some stuff. Then while I was resting, she screamed my name and that jolted me awake. She was okay, but needed help with dinner. I made dinner, ate and then went back to my room. I got hungry a little while later so I went and ate some more. Now I feel full.

I did my meds for the week. Because I wasn’t feeling good, I decided to hold off on changing the foam topper on my bed. I just don’t have the energy to take the stuff off my bed and then wait for my brother in law to help remove the old and replace the new. I am just too tired. Even now, I feel like I can fall asleep but I can’t because it will mess up my bed time sleep. It took me a while to fall asleep last night. I think I fell asleep sometime after midnight. I did end up taking a strong pain pill because I was hurting so bad. It was almost at suicidal proportions.

I took a nap anyways. I woke up when my mother went to bed. I thought it was late because the past couple of evenings she has been going to bed later than usual. But it was only 1945 so I was safe. I feel better now that I slept. I took my meds and hope I can get back to sleep soon. My allergies are acting up though so I have been sneezing my head off. I’ve been blowing my nose so much that it hurts. Hope I am not getting sick. First time in five years that I managed not to get a cold all winter long.

Saturday blog 80

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 80

Well, after a month of having to manually adjust my setting on word to have borders, I finally fixed it so that I no longer have to do that. I am so relieved because it was a pain in the ass to do that on every document.

Today was my brother in law’s birthday party. I lasted as long as my pain allowed me to and then I returned to my “cave”. The pain exploded soon as I came back to my room. It was so bad, I thought I was going to cry. I took my pain meds and might have to take my strong pain pill because I am hurting way too much. I stood just a little bit too long.

The party was the usual crowd, which consisted of my street neighbors and family. My niece brought her friends over and I was kind of shocked that her best friend was gay. She had a girlfriend over the house and was showering her with affection. I just shook my head.

I was talking with a friend of mine on Facebook messenger before the party. Actually, I was talking to a bunch of friends on messenger today, all at around the same time. It was weird as I usually don’t have more than one conversation going at a time. Anyways, my friend from Texas and I were talking because she had post something about Amy Bleuel, the founder of Project Semicolon, and I had written something about it on her post. She wanted me to know that she was there for me should I need her. I thought it was kind of her to reach out to me. She knows of my history and that have suicidal tendencies. I told her that I was having trouble finding a therapist because most are not taking new clients, least the ones that I have called. I would be doing okay if I had someone to talk to about my pain every week and ways in dealing with it. It’s hard when you no longer have a support to talk to anymore.

I took a shower when I got up this afternoon. I bought a new shampoo and wanted to try it. It’s supposed to help dry hair. I hope it alleviates some of the itchiness I get because my hair is so dry.

snow came early so no cereal

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Snow came early so no cereal

The weatherman said that we were supposed to get snow tonight and it came around noon. Fuck. I should have left my house and went to the store to get my Cocoa Pebbles when I had the chance. I was up early this morning, around 0630 and fell back to sleep around 0900. It was sunny then.

My psychiatrist called me back late last night. She apologized as she meant to call me but there was no private space she could talk as she was in the ED all day. She doesn’t want me to feel discouraged about not finding a therapist and that she will find one for me. She also said not to give up. Sorry but I feel that way as I have no fucking luck with therapists. She also reschedule my appointment for today. I will see her on Monday. I had a feeling she was going to reschedule the appt.

When I got up, I had a ton of messages. Today is Transvisibility day so I came out on Facebook and Twitter. I wish I could come out to my mother so I can start my transition but I am too afraid of rejection by her that it might bring me to suicidal crisis. I got a ton of support from my Facebook friends. I haven’t had too many responses on Twitter, which isn’t unusual.

For those that know about Project Semicolon, the founder, Amy Bleuel, ended up dying by suicide last week. It has affected the entire suicide prevention community, including me. I wrote somethings on Twitter about how it affected me. I just wonder if the same fate is in my future. I have been suicidal a ton of times but luckily, I have not tried to attempt. I might have planned my death more than a few times but it gives me comfort more than a way out, so to speak. I told readers this and that if they didn’t know it, they should, especially if they were in the suicide prevention field. I usually don’t give out numbers because my blog is read internationally, but if you are in the US and have thoughts of suicide, you can talk to someone confidentially at 1-800-273-8255 or text the word “help” to 741741. I have used the Crisis text line more than once and find it helpful, once you get someone. Sometimes depending on the time of day, it’s difficult to reach someone but don’t give up. They usually get back to you, eventually.

I hate that I have to wait till Monday to talk to my psychiatrist because I am having trouble with my bladder. Since I have been using my strong pain meds more frequently, I have trouble urinating where starting is not so easy. It take a long while for me to know when I need to pee thanks to my nerve injury but the retention also makes me leak more which I don’t know about until I get the signal to pee and am in the bathroom. It upsets me because I will be wet and not feel it. I then have to shower or change my underwear because I don’t want to smell of urine. It’s just troubling me because it’s been going on all week and it’s been a few days since I last took a dose of strong pain meds. It could be the trilafon causing this as well as I have been on it for so long now. I’d just feel better if I had some input about it. My stream is okay and I am feeling like I do empty my bladder so I am not worried that I need to see a urologist but I might have to, which will suck. I know he will just tell me I have neurogenic bladder and to just deal with it. Not exactly reassuring.

Fatigued ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fatigued ankle

I did way too much yesterday that my ankle is still fatigued. I still taxed it today by going out as I had to get a few things at Walgreens. My mother needed some stuff there as well, though they were out of two of the things she needed. Always happens when things are on sale.

I came home and paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to call her today. She still hasn’t returned the page. I guess she is busy. She will call when she can. I am in no rush to talk to her. I then made breakfast which my ankle didn’t like. I didn’t make lunch. I ordered from my favorite sub place because I wanted roast beef. It was good but I couldn’t finish the whole thing. I will have it for tomorrow.

My mother’s back is hurting her pretty bad so I wanted to make her dinner. She said she is going to have what she made last night. I said okay. Then my ankle started to spasm. I’m no longer cooking dinner and will be ordering Chinese food. I just can’t stand for too long to make the pasta that I want. Fucking sucks. I had to take an Ativan to calm the spasms. I probably will take a nap.

My mood has been rock bottom all day. My ankle feeling fatigued is the worst because there is nothing I can do for it except rest it. It’s not painful (aside from the spasms) but it’s letting me know it’s there, which is annoying the crap out of me. Yes, I know I have two ankles but one likes to say hello more often then the other one does. It’s so frustrating. I hope this fatigue is better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych. I also need to go to my former work place to get my stuff that was in my locker. The manager cleaned it out and is asking if I want my things. I have no idea what is in there as I haven’t touched it in 5 years. Hard to believe I have been out of work for that length of time.

I’m seriously thinking of buying a chainsaw on Amazon and getting it shipped the next day so I can chop my foot off. I am so sick of it hurting so much and causing me grief. Maybe if I am an amputee I can work again or go back to school or something. Now my foot is burning. WTF. If I need to take Neurontin (which I probably will), I will be toast the rest of the afternoon/evening.