Category: chronic physical pain

no sleep and a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No sleep and a lot of pain

I woke up at 0300 and didn’t go back to sleep at all. My check came in so I bought my groceries and paid some bills. I took a shower as I was in minimal pain. I waited an hour for the next bus to the Square so I could get my espresso and breakfast. I wrote for a couple of hours and then I left to go to my PCP’s office so I could get my prescription. My ankle started hurting but it wasn’t bad. I was getting tired as I had been up so early. I went back to the Square to get my haircut.

I got a nice cut and then I took a cab home as I just missed the bus. I went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. I was getting sleepy so figured I would nap when I came home. My ankle was throbbing but not too bad. Until I laid down to nap. Then all fucking hell broke loose. I have been in pain since 1500 and haven’t been able to quiet it down. I took two strong pain pills and some Ativan to get to sleep and I am still awake. The pain is a 20 on a scale of 1-10.

I feel physically sick because I am so sleep deprived right now. I had to take a Zofran so I wouldn’t throw up. I am so tired but I am kind of wired because the pain is so bad. It’s got me thinking bad thoughts. I think if I didn’t have my grocery delivery tomorrow morning, I might do something. But I won’t. I want to but I just can’t. I am so sick of this shit. I can’t take my regular pain meds for another hour.

I plan on taking my night meds soon. I think that will be the final straw to knock me out for the night. I think I am just so overtired that I just can’t sleep. Doesn’t help that my fucking neighbors are working on the house and are hammering away constantly day and night. My mother turned up the heat so my room is a sauna again, even with the ceiling fan going. I might have to open the window but it’s really windy so I don’t want to. Temps are supposed to drop severely tonight. I don’t care, I rather be cold than hot. I was having a blast as I had to put on my long sleeved t-shirt and thermal socks because I got cold before the heat kicked on. I didn’t mind being cold. But I have to protect my feet because they will cramp on me if they get too cold, especially my nerve damaged one.

I have no idea if I am making sense or not. I feel like I am just rambling. I hope I can wake up in time for the delivery. I will set my alarm as they are coming between 0730 and 0930. I rather they come that early than me wait all day for them. I want cocoa pebbles soon as I put everything away. I have been dying for that cereal for two weeks. I hope my ankle is feeling better tomorrow because I want to make Shepard’s pie. I love it. And my mother does, too so she can have dinner with me. Ativan is hitting me pretty hard so I will stop here for now. Until domani.

A sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A sleepy and painful day

I woke up around 0330 with my ankle in agony. This is the first time in a long while that pain woke me up from a sound sleep. I took my meds and couldn’t settle down. Then I got my second wind so decided to take some Ativan to get back to sleep. I didn’t fall back to sleep till around 0700 or so.

My mother was visiting my aunt and called me a few times while I was sleeping. This interrupted sleep really made me groggy. I finally got up around 1100 and made pancakes. They were good. I wanted to do the dishes but I felt tired so I went back to sleep. I slept on and off for the next couple of hours until my niece came home from school. I let her in and she went downstairs. It was around 1500 and I still didn’t get a call from my PCP’s office about my prescription. I called and they now have it ready for me.

The therapist I called yesterday called me back. He isn’t taking anyone new. I kind of figured as much. Seems every therapist I call isn’t taking new clients. He told me to go to Psychology Today’s website to find someone. I said thanks and hung up. I felt defeated. There is one more place I can call before I totally give up hope. I will call tomorrow.

I got a big headache when I went back to bed after I let my niece in. My head just felt so damn heavy I didn’t want to move. My ankle was acting up again so I took some more pain meds and some headache medicine. After more than an hour, I still have the headache and no energy. My mother thinks I sleep all the time. I have tried telling her that I don’t but she doesn’t believe me. I give up. Let her think what she wants. I made a cup of tea and did the dishes in the sink while the water was on to boil. I didn’t make coffee today because I didn’t feel like having it.

The pancakes have made me so full that I haven’t eaten anything else today. I am not hungry, yet. I still feel groggy and weighed down. I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep again. I’m going to try and take a shower later but I don’t know as my foot/ankle are really hurting. If not, I can always take it tomorrow morning. I have a few errands that need to done tomorrow so I hope I wake up before 10.

Looks like ibuprofen and tea helped my headache. I still feel kind of tired. I hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning again, though usually on pay day I do. If I do, I will order my groceries before the website goes down for a few hours. I would like an early morning time for delivery on Thursday. This way here, I can make my Shepard’s pie for dinner that night. I plan on cooking meats and stuff the next few days. I want to make my “dirty” gravy so I can have it with penne pasta. Gravy is just the Italian version of a tomato sauce. I don’t know why we call it gravy but we do. I also plan on making my Nantucket cranberry cake. I want to use up the cranberries that I have in the freezer. I love this cake. I plan on making it next week so I can bring some to my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. If there is gravy left over, I will also give her some. Usually my gravy disappears because my family loves it so much. I don’t plan on making a big batch as I only bought a pound of beef. I might add meatballs but that might over do it. I also bought steak so I will have that one night. I will be a cooking machine next week. Hope my ankle can keep up!

Record Year

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Record year

Been listening to this song by Eric Church for the last couple of hours. I just can’t stop listening to it. It’s on the “Mr. Misunderstood” album that I love so much. My former therapist texted me this morning saying she misses me, she is having a hard time packing up my “belongings”, and has not received my book yet. It set off a pang of missing her really bad, similar to this weekend. And this song just fits right now. I texted her back saying it was okay and that I am in no rush to get my things back. I also have not found someone new and even my psychiatrist has not succeeded.

I woke up with just enough time to catch the bus to go to Starbucks. I went and had coffee and breakfast. Then I wrote in my journal but listening to this song kind of made writing difficult. I just miss my former therapist so much. My mother called while I was at my home away from home. She wanted to know where I was. I told her and said I would be home soon. It was a good thing I left when I did because my bowels soon unleashed soon as I walked in the door. I just made it to the bathroom in time. She then asked where I was going when I walked in the kitchen. HUH??? I said I just came home. She is losing it.

I called one therapist today. I am waiting for a callback. It is so frustrating waiting. I read the Robert Lowell book last night. It went a little better but still the same pattern of mania, hospital, depression. Lowell had a daughter in the mist of the craziness and he explained his illness to her when she was old enough to understand. He was straight up with her, which is kind of remarkable. Most parents want to hide their illness from their children but Lowell was direct about his treatment in the hospital and why he had to be put in. I finished the chapter feeling devastated for the guy. I am kind of torn because if he grew up in this day and age, his creativity would be hindered and he probably wouldn’t have been a great poet. I find it amazing that people with bipolar illness are creative untreated versus treated. Thing is, Lowell grew up at a time where there was no treatment for his illness. Lithium wasn’t approved yet and if it was, he obviously didn’t take it like he was supposed to, which is typical of the illness. Why take something that hinders the creativity. Or he just felt the mania was gone so he no longer needed the medication. Jamison doesn’t dwell on this aspect. I am only interpreting what I know of the highs and lows of bipolar disorder.

Pain has been minimal the last few days, except at night. Last night I accidently took double my pain meds because I couldn’t remember if I took them or not. I was having a lot of pain, from my ankle down to my toes. I ended up taking Neurontin and then the doses of regular pain meds hit me hard and I crashed. I slept fairly well and did not want to get up. But my mother didn’t wash my French press last night and I didn’t feel like doing it, so I left to go to Starbucks. I am glad I went out because the weather was warmer than it has been. It’s supposed to be a little warmer most of the week. I hope that means no heat turn up. I have been roasting in my room from the heat of my radiator. I had opened the window last week and it took three days to cool off my room. Last night I thought I was going to have to open the window again but my mother turned down the heat so I was saved.

Despite having four shots of espresso, I am still very tired. My mother is making pork chops tonight. I think the 900 mg of Neurontin is kicking my ass. I just can’t get my brain to wake up. I want to nap so bad but dinner will be ready soon. Maybe I will take a nap after dinner.

I entered a Stars Dash with Starbucks. You make five purchases and you get stars which leads to getting free stuff. I should have bought something before I left because I am one purchase short and the deal ends today. Oh well. I am sure they will have other deals in the future.

Sunday blog 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 25

I woke up late with my app for my medications beeping. I thought it wasn’t so late as the thing was set to go off at 0815. It was 1115. Oops! I was late in taking my blood pressure pills. I took them and then went downstairs to take a shower. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to wait. I thought about what I was going to do today but nothing came to mind. I thought it was going to be snowing most of the day but it wasn’t and even the sun came out later in the afternoon.

I made coffee and a sandwich after my shower, which went without incident. I wasn’t feeling too much pain at this point so I didn’t take any pain meds. I brought my coffee up to my room and read Twitter and Facebook. I found a tweet about a free coloring book and got the link to save the PDF. I then tried printing it but it wouldn’t print for some reason. I tried different settings and no go. I then was worried something was wrong with my printer so I randomly printed something. It printed just fine. I just couldn’t get the damn coloring book to print. I am going to have to look into it. I might have to adjust the settings a special way or something. It would be neat to have this coloring pages as it is a stress relaxer.

About two hours later, I got hungry again. My mother made a turnip and stunk up the house. It killed my appetite for the time being. My mother was going to make a pasta dish but not one that I really like so I decided to order a burger and onion rings. I waited over an hour for my food and they were skimpy on the rings, again! This time I was going to complain. I usually don’t because I don’t like confrontations. But I paid for the onion rings and I wanted my money’s worth. The manager told me that they weigh the rings and that was why I got so few. What ever. Next time I am going to order them separately so they don’t come with the burger. I really like this place and would seriously hate to stop ordering from them because they are skimpy with the rings. The manager said he was going to tell the owner, and I hope he does because otherwise, they will lose a customer.

I went on to BPD Chat. It was a good chat tonight, talking about emotions. I kind of felt like it wasn’t for me because the intense emotions of BPD (borderline personality disorder) I don’t usually feel. The only intense feelings I get are suicidal ones or panic when I am triggered by pain and PTSD. I know most people with BPD also have PTSD but that isn’t always the case.

Before I ordered my food, my ankle was saying hi to me. Then my toes were. Then both my ankle and toes were. I felt I had to order something quick before I became incapacitated to go down the stairs for delivery. I still am hurting but it’s not so bad because I took my pain meds at the start of it. Now I am just dealing with remnants of pain. I don’t have anything to do except read my book. I need to finish the chapter I am on. I hate being in the middle of a chapter without a clear break in the text.

I don’t have any appointments this week. I do have to go to my PCP to pick up a script. I am hoping to do that Wednesday when my check comes in. I also plan on getting a haircut. I will go earlier in the day so I am not waiting so long. Tomorrow I got to call a therapist and see if he will take me. He is in my town, down the road from me, very accessible by bus. I hope he works out otherwise I am going to have to call this care center place that is not so easy to get to. I would have to take two buses to get there because I can no longer walk down one end of the street all the way to the end. I used to walk it all the time when I was younger way before chronic pain entered my life. Now I am lucky to walk a few blocks without pain and that is on a good day.