Category: chronic physical pain

feeling depressed and the need for oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling depressed and the need for oblivion

I was reading some old blogs from late 2015. It’s good to read them because half the time, I forget what I write after I have written. I came across a few blogs about my former therapist and how we were struggling, even then. The blog I read was about a session where her phone wasn’t working and we had to text mid session. She wanted me, even then, to see someone new, face to face. I just felt really down because I have still haven’t found anyone in the last two months. Not that I have been actively searching. In the blog, I wrote that I gave her a number for a center in my town. It will be difficult to get there. I knew the street it was on. Monday I am going to call. I also found another therapist down the road from me. He will be easier to get to than this center but it’s worth a shot.

I am feeling hopeless because I am in pain and it’s both psychological and physical. My ankle pain started around 1500 and is still going strong, despite taking my strong pain meds. Then I read this blog and it activated my psychache because I am missing my therapist. I feel like she has done me wrong yet she really hasn’t. I just became too much for her to handle. I probably will do the same to my psychiatrist one day, even though we have been seeing each other for a greater length of time.

I just feel so horrible and that I am never going to get on top of this pain that I feel, physically. Meds are failing me because I am so used to them now that they aren’t touching my pain. And because I have a new doctor, I don’t think he trusts me to go on a longer acting pain med or go up on my current meds. Each prescription that he writes has my psych diagnoses are on the script. I find this stigmatizing because I am not on pain medication because of my mental illness. I had mental illness long before I had chronic pain.

I am having a hard time managing things right now. I am thinking of ending things but I can’t really go through with it. I just don’t have the time, least today, to take a bottle of pills. My heart is aching me deep inside. It is panging with the loss of my therapist of sixteen years. I want to end my suffering. I don’t have a noose or a firearm to end things quickly.

I have been suicidal most of my life. I know one day I will end my life by my own hand. Warmer weather is coming. Maybe I will go through with the plan to end things at my sacred place. I will drag my leg if I have to get there. Or maybe take a cab. I don’t know. I am in pain and suicide always enter my mind when it reaches a certain level and dealing with psychache doesn’t help the suicidality. I need rest from pain. I need cessation. I need oblivion. I need to die.

Saturday Blog 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 78

I’m having a rough day. I can’t seem to stay awake. I am drinking coffee. It’s stronger than I would like but maybe it will keep me awake. I really don’t want to take a nap. I did one errand today and that was to go to the pharmacy for my meds. It’s cold out but by the time I walked back home and came up the stairs, I was sweating. I am glad I wore a light shirt because a sweater would have killed me. I still had my window open as it was still warm in my room. I had shut the ceiling fan off because it was cold. I wanted to air out my room a little bit.

I ordered pizza for lunch and when I came back to my room, I had to close the window. It was really cold. The birds were chirping this morning like it was a spring day. Very weird. As I was making coffee, I watched some of the baseball game. They tied it up. I wanted to rest my ankle so I came back upstairs.

I placed some more items on my growing grocery list. Trouble is, the frozen items are going to have to be put in the basement freezer because there is no room in my freezer for them. My mother went shopping last week and bought a lot of frozen items. I think I am going to make a garden burger for dinner. I haven’t had one in a while.

I don’t see my psychiatrist again for two weeks. I kind of miss seeing her every week. My mood has been up and down, depending on pain. I haven’t had any bad suicidal moods but thoughts of dying have crossed my mind the past few days. I didn’t tell my psych about them because they didn’t last long. She usually doesn’t ask me at all about my suicidal stuff. She leaves it to me to bring it up. It’s how we have always worked.

She didn’t have any luck so far in finding me a therapist. She wants to get through to the triage line but can’t get a hold of a human to talk to. Welcome to my world, doc. She said she will get in touch with me if she finds someone. It’ll be almost two months since I have been without a therapist. This has been the longest I have been without seeing someone. It is weird not talking to someone every week.

St. Patrick’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

St. Patrick’s Day 2017

I had a rough start to my morning. I woke up around 0430, again and made the mistake of going back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and was in severe pain. I didn’t want to leave my bed. But I had to see my psychiatrist so I took some meds and hoped it worked. I wanted to catch the 1050 bus so I had to wait a couple hours. Ample time for the meds to work. I played on my phone while I was waiting.

I got to Starbucks and had a sandwich and my espresso, which I missed terribly. I was still tired and I just wanted my bed but I still had my appointment to go to. I kept snoozing in Starbucks, in between sips of deliciousness. I started writing in my journal after I finished my sandwich. I wrote about two pages. My mother need some things so I went to CVS to try and find it. They didn’t have what she was looking for. I left to go to my appointment.

I had a good appointment with my psych. I made her laugh several times and that made me feel good because she usually doesn’t laugh. I got my refills. I didn’t look at the Ativan refill when she handed it to me. I did while waiting at the pharmacy and found she cut my supply to less than what I was taking before. Shit. Oh well, I guess I am going to have to watch my pills from now on.

I told her about my father’s birthday and anniversary being next week. I am glad she didn’t want to see me that day. I would have been a wreck. I was almost a wreck today as I saw the bus I used to take to see my father go by after I finished shopping at Walgreens. I was walking toward Rite Aid as I needed some half and half and Walgreens didn’t carry the kind I use. I almost started crying but I held it in. Just thinking about it is making me sad. I still can’t get his last day out of my head. From the moment I walked into his room at the nursing home to basically his last breath runs through my mind nearly every single day for the last eleven months. The other night, I swore I heard his rasping crackle as he breathed. I never want to see someone die ever again. So my mother better live a long time and never get sick like my father did.

I told my psychiatrist what my sisters and I plan on doing with his ashes. She smiled and said that could be a blog. I’d write about it anyways as I am sure it will be emotional for me. After the trips to the stores, I came home and started to rest. I was dying of heat as the weather warmed up some and I was overdressed. My t-shirt was soaked. I got undressed and cooled off in my hot room. Once my body temp went down, I got dressed. I was planning on taking some pain meds but decided to play on my laptop as a distraction. While reading Facebook, my mother called saying she needed help with dinner. I thought shit, how is this going to work? My ankle is already being a brat so I sucked it up. It was chicken stir fry and rice so nothing too complicated. But I had to be on my feet to stir things around.

After we had dinner, I retreated to my room where my ankle and foot blew up on me. Pain med time! I am wicked exhausted so I think I am going to take my meds around 1900 so I can be asleep by at least 2100. I just have to pick up my meds at the pharmacy tomorrow and drop off my other pain med. I would have dropped off both the pain med and the Ativan but there have been reports flying that the combination has been leading to overdoses. I didn’t want there to be a problem on a Friday afternoon to get both meds when I really need my Ativan as I have just enough to get me through till Monday. So I just handed in the Ativan slip and will fill my pain meds tomorrow. If there is a problem, I think I can wait it out till Monday as long as I don’t have a flare up until then.

Random 215

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around 0430 and didn’t go back to sleep till around 0800. I had breakfast. After breakfast I took some pain meds and an Ativan to get back to sleep. I also took some Neurontin. That was my downfall because when I woke up, I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I had wanted to go to Starbucks, just to get out of the house, but I needed a shower and it just wasn’t happening. I was too groggy. I made coffee, hoping that would give me more energy but it made me sleepy. Or it just wasn’t strong enough to override the need for sleep.

I called my PCP’s office to see if my prescription was ready. It was but wasn’t. No one printed it out for me to pick up. That would explain why I never got a phone call saying it was ready to be picked up. I hope to pick it up tomorrow either before or after my appt with my psychiatrist.

After that, I called my mother to see what she was doing for dinner. She was going to heat up some lasagna from Sunday night. No thanks. I ordered a burger and onion rings. I waited an awfully long time for it to be delivered and the food was not as hot as I wanted it to be. Plus, they were very skimpy on the onion rings, though they did put some in the burger. That was weird as they never did that before. I still ate it and it’s probably going to be the only thing I eat today.

I am going to try and shower after I write this. My ankle is giving me grief so I am not sure I can just say fuck it and shower anyways. That usually has dire consequences. I am running low on my pain meds because it’s close to the end of the month so I can’t afford to take “extra” meds to quiet down a flare right now.

Last night was torturous. I had really bad pain, which began around 2 in the afternoon. I took my strong pain pill and then hoped for the best. Around 10 PM, the pain was still there and worse so I took another pill. While waiting for it to kick in, my ankle went berserk on me and I did, too. I got this band feeling around my ankle and that triggered my PTSD. I was flipping out I was going to get CES again. I tried to calm myself but the anxiety took over and I was very, very scared. I called my psychiatrist and had her tell me I wasn’t getting CES again. That seemed to calm me down some. I stayed up till around 1 am. I got hungry so I had something to eat around 0030. After eating, it seemed to settle me down so I could sleep for a few hours. I knew my sleep was going to be bad because I had taken two strong pain pills within 24 hours. It happens every time. I don’t know why.

I need to go out tomorrow so I will be going to Starbucks. I need to see my psychiatrist because I need some refills. Actually, all my psych meds need refills on them. I hope she has had better luck trying to find a therapist than I have. I’ll find out soon enough.